Hello, Kenzo

A Message after a long Time

The light outside the window was too bright and I could barely see through the haze of tears clouding my eyes. They spilled down my face as though the moisture was running through my veins. I had been crying for hours in my room.

There were no lights on, and there was no movement—not that it would have mattered anyway. There was only me and the darkness inside.

My thoughts were scattered, and my mind was fuzzy. My head was pounding like anvils in my skull. All I wanted to do was sleep. But sleep didn’t come easily to me at the moment. I am tired. My arms and legs felt heavy, like they couldn’t bear my sorrows anymore.

It didn’t help that this day started like every other, just as I had every morning since I came home from La Union. My body felt numb as far as I remembered after passing out last night. I had so much to drink.

"Ahhhh!" I cried, twitching in pain as I gripped the sheets of my bed.

The pain was too much for me to take. I covered my mouth to keep myself from sobbing too loudly. It hurt too much. I curled up and closed my eyes tightly. My heart ached from the sadness. A lot of emotions were just overwhelming and I hadn’t expected things had to end this quickly. I thought for a lifetime that, finally, I might have found the one.The one who would make me whole.

But that never happened. That was over, wasn’t it? And here I am again, alone.

My phone rang loudly, startling me. I looked at the screen. It was Narih. My first instinct was to ignore it. My second was to answer it.

I didn’t want her to know how miserable I was. I just prefer to deal with whatever I am going through right now alone. I would prefer to suffer and break on my own. Maybe the process of forgetting would be faster, and I'd be able to get back on track in time. To get back to the version of myself that never falters, I destroy instead.

My knees trembled as I helped myself up from the bed, taking a few steps before stopping again. I sat on the edge of my bed, leaning my forehead against my knee.

I took deep breaths. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. As my breathing got more ragged, my vision became blurry. It was like a dark mist slowly creeping into my sight.

I had been tormenting myself for weeks. The only thing I did was smoke, drink, and drown myself in sorrow to go to sleep, which I eventually repeated the next day. Well, all structures need to go through the curing process to harden; maybe hearts should too.

“Don’t give in,” I muttered to myself. “You can’t give in to this. You need to fight this. Just... you have to. You have to get better.” My tears seemed to never run out.

I grabbed the phone. I needed to hear someone else’s voice. I needed to talk to someone who knew me better than anyone. Someone I can trust.

I pressed the call button and put the phone to my ear.

“Hello?” Narih said in her most calming voice.

“Narih?” I answered, my voice sounded hoarse.

“Stella? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” She asked, concern laced in her voice.

“No,” I said, choking back another sob. “No, I’m not okay.”

Narih was silent for a few seconds while I tried to steady my breathing, but my hands were trembling.

“I knew it. Every time you go MIA, you are broken. Okay. Tell me what happened.” She said.

So I told her everything. I explained why I had stopped talking to everyone except Kenzo and how we broke up. I also told her that I was still trying to get over that night at La Union and the day after, where I took just cigarettes all afternoon to fill in the hours before my reservation expired. I heaved as I told her that my life was nothing without him. Then I told her about Hina and my guilt, that for once I had the courage to speak up for myself, to let them know that I am hurting too.

Narih listened attentively and patiently, asking questions whenever I had to pause for air. When I had finished telling her everything, she remained silent for a few seconds longer.

And before I knew it, she broke down into tears too.

"Why are you crying?" I laughed in my sobs.

"I just knew it. Everything was just too good to be true." She cried even more. "How could he cheat on you?"

“I don’t even think he cheated,” I whispered, holding onto the phone tightly, my nails digging into its plastic casing. “Maybe he was really with that girl before me. We never really fought, argued, or did anything. We just talked. A lot. And, you know, had s-x."

"F-ck him!" Narih exclaimed. Her outburst shocked me. "Why does love have to be this painful?"

I laughed, despite my misery. "I wish I had answers for that."

"Are you planning to go to school?" She sounded calmer. "Why don't you just go home?"

"I am a teacher, no matter what the circumstances are." I answered tiredly, but feeling lighter. "Then I'll go home."

"Stay strong, Stella!" Narih said encouragingly. "Your students need you. Your family needs you. Your friends need you! Vri needs you! Stay positive!"

"Okay," I replied, wiping away the last of my tears. "I will. I promise."

We ended the call soon after that, and I went to the bathroom to prepare for school.

I tried my best to put on my most beautiful makeup to conceal my pain.

I took a bus ride downtown and walked through the city streets. The sky had turned gray and gloomy, but I didn’t notice it. I walked towards the school gates and gathered the strength to smile.

But the exhaustion of not eating and just drinking for such a long time caught up with me.

"Kids, Ms. Dani will be here in a moment to take over. I am not feeling well." I did the sign language to let my students in and ran to the comfort room after.

I threw up and sat on the cold floor of the bathroom while my chest burned in pain.

Then my stomach growled. I shook my head. I can’t afford to throw up. Not yet. Not until I find something to eat. Or until I'm done crying for Kenzo, which I don't even know when I will be done crying for him either.

I walked to the sink, washed my hands, and decided to inform the main office that I was taking some time off. That I am not really feeling well.

But on my way to the office, my phone vibrated. I stopped walking, and my stomach churned upon seeing who messaged.

"Kenzo."