The CEO's Secret

Chapter Seventeen - Decisions

I was in denial for several weeks after finding out I was pregnant. I didn't talk about it with anyone aside from giving the bar minimum answers to Megan and Ashley. I made it clear I didn't want to talk about it until I was ready.

After about six weeks, I knew I was approaching the end of my first trimester. I had done some research on Google and calculated based on my last period. I was roughly ten weeks when I realized this was really happening and I had to make my decisions.

If you'd asked me before I found out I was pregnant what I would do in the event that I got pregnant, I would've scoffed and said I'd get an abortion without a second thought. Now that the decision was actually here to be made, I didn't feel that was an option at all.

If I was being honest with myself, it wasn't that I was already in love with the baby or felt incredibly attached to it. In fact, I barely felt one way or another about the ball of cells currently occupying my uterus. There was no instant connection that is talked about in the books and movies. I didn't forget I was pregnant, but never truly put weight behind the word. It rarely felt that there was another human being inside of me that was genetically part of me. It made no sense that I wouldn't get an abortion. I felt no sense of guilt or attachment that would prevent me from doing so. What I did have was a gut feeling, a sinking feeling in my stomach any time I considered the option. It didn't sit right with me, and it left a gnawing feeling in my chest. I threw it out as an option because there was a reason it felt so bad to consider it.

Keeping the baby was a crazy idea, too. It felt right, intuitively, but logically, I had no idea how that would work. I didn't know the first thing about children or motherhood. I'd never even held a baby, I'd never babysat for family and friends, I'd never been interested in children. I'd never thought about having a family or yearned for a child.

There was no part of my lifestyle that would make motherhood easy. I hadn't prepared for it even a little bit. I knew that becoming a parent was never an easy road for anyone, I'd heard all the old cliches that you were never truly prepared. I was probably the least prepared that I could possibly be.

I had a good job, that was something I had going for me. However, even before throwing a child into the mix, I struggled financially. I could easily cut spending to make it work, but I didn't know how I felt about giving up material things to support a child. Trading take out and nights out at the bar to afford diapers and clothing wasn't something that sounded at all appealing, but I didn't know that there was another choice for me. I also had no clue how to find childcare or how to be a working mother. Getting up hours earlier to get a baby ready and lug them to daycare before my workday was not tempting. Giving up my time to unwind after work in favor of feeding a baby and struggling at bed time with a screaming toddler wasn't something I imagined I'd like doing.

My living situation was less than ideal. Megan and Ashley both expressed their willingness to keep me as a roommate even with a baby in tow, but I didn't know how I could be a functional and respectful roommate while also being a mom. Babies required a lot of gear which meant our shared apartment would be overflowing with baby swings, bottles and changing tables. Not everything could fit in my room and things would no doubt spill over into space that was also theirs. I knew this would be a conversation that needed to be had, but truthfully, finding my own place in the city was not doable.

Then, there was my job. There was Shane. I hadn't decided if I should tell him. I knew that no one could know the baby was his. He would get fired and lose the company. Getting fired for getting your subordinate pregnant would probably make it impossible to be hired anyone else. I didn't feel strongly about protecting Shane, but part of what made it appealing to tell him was that I knew my baby would have a father who could support them. Without a job, a lot of the benefits that came with telling him went out the window.

My motives were purely selfish, but Shane's actions made it difficult for me to want to consider his feelings. I felt used and broken. He ghosted me after we had s*x and it made me feel like I was only good enough to meet with until he got into my pants. Then, I was no good anymore. He got what he wanted and he left.

On one hand, I didn't want to tell him. I didn't know him as well as I thought I did, apparently, so the side of him he showed me that made me believe he would take responsibility and care for me and the baby may not even exist. If I told him, what if he fired me? What if he treated me worse? What if he tried to get custody and take the baby away? There was also the small part of my heart that did want to protect Shane.

On the other, if I did tell him, there could be a lot of benefits. His salary would be incredibly helpful and a lot of my worries would be gone if he was willing to help financially. My child would have a father. I would have help.

I was overwhelmed by the decisions that needed to be made, and decided to call to book an appointment with an OBGYN to at least start getting prenatal care. I would research everything and decide from there.