A love like yours

Let there be light... Plenty of it

My prayer is that my paths light up. I want to have my child in a pre-school as soon as I can so that she can grow up intelligent like me. I want her to have a future that is better than mine.

I have everything that I need here, but I'd like to go to varsity and have things of my own. I'd like to have my apartment someday. I've been applying to different colleges behind Rey's back because he doesn't want me to go there. He argues that there's nothing that he doesn't do for me so why then would I want to go to varsity. He thinks I want to leave him for somebody else.

I've tried explaining until I got tired of it. I decided that this journey is mine alone and ultimately, I'll have to walk it alone. I'll tell Rey when he realizes what's going on.

It feels lonely being in this huge house with no one to talk to when King is out with his father, especially now that we've had yesterday's discussion. I still stand by my words, those two were both wrong for crawling out of whatever hole they crawled out of and coming here to disrespect my daughter. Rey thinks that just because he took me in, I should now be submissive no matter what he says. I should know act... like I can't differentiate between right and wrong. I hate feeling this vulnerable. No one should have control over my life like that.

I'm thinking of planning a getaway just for the two of us. Royalty can stay with her grandparents. I feel like we need it, just to reconnect.

Parents, I wish I had parents I could open up to, leave Royalty with, ask for advice from, spoil with gifts, parents that I could make proud. I disappointed them at a very early stage in life and I wish I could just have a conversation with the timekeeper, ask him to turn back the hands of time so I could fix my mistake. I can't say that I had a tough upbringing or anything, all that was running through my mind when I fell pregnant was adolescence. My home is also very respected in our neighborhood, I come from a family of well-educated people who've got their values and morals intact. I wished to have a twenty-first birthday ceremony. I'm Zulu by origin and in our culture, being a virgin at age twenty-one is celebrated. I find it very beautiful. It's a celebration of one's purity, one's innocence, and that on its own is beauty defined. It's a special kind of beauty that comes from within.

I'd lie and tell and tell my mother that I was going for evening classes when, in fact, I'd be going out for sleepovers at Rey's parents' previous house.

we were not expecting to have a child though because we played it very safe, I had an injection once every month to stop myself from ovulating. I should've listened when they told me that these things are not a hundred percent accurate. I didn't know that it didn't work well if you're taking antibiotics. I felt so normal throughout the entire course of my pregnancy. When she popped out, I was beyond scared. I immediately started crying. It happens when get I overwhelmed. I've never been too happy.. somehow.

It's no use crying over spilled milk though. I was very fortunate to have been given a daughter to a person who could afford to have her well taken of. I'm very fortunate that I didn't become a part of the stats of women whose children were denied by their fathers or whose fathers are absent... by choice... and the fact that I got to be loved on top of all of that is the best part.

It's my wish to visit my mother on one of these good days. I feel like if I can at least touch ground at my birthplace, doors would start opening in my life. I'd be able to accomplish all that I've ever dreamt of. Moreover, I'd like to get both her and my father's blessings before I start to attempt to pave the way to a better life. I hope that if I do find them, they'll try to accept my daughter and make her feel welcome. It's been a whole three years already.

I'm scared, I won't lie. I'm afraid of what will happen, what I'll find when I get there, I'm scared to find nothing there. What if they've passed on? What if things are still are same and I still won't be accepted?

Royalty: I'm back mom! Daddy bought me a car!

Me: A car? I went outside and was greeted by a white Mercedes Benz C Class replica. I looked at her and she was beaming with excitement.

Royalty: Daddy said he's going to teach me how to drive it! isn't it beautiful mom?

Me: It looks very beautiful my baby and I'm sure it's super-fast, just like daddy's car.

Her eyes grew wider as she charged towards it. To say she's happy is just an understatement, she's elated.

I still have to talk to Rey about his spending habits and tell him to stop spoiling this child so much. I sigh and shake my head. He just doesn't understand that it's for her good. she needs to learn good values and understand the true value of money.

After watching Royalty play with her new toy, we went inside and had dinner. Rey's parents wouldn't be back today.

This would've excited me if I didn't have a child. Now we have to tiptoe around the house and make sure we're super quiet when we get down and dirty.

I've been telling Rey that we need to have our room soundproofed because honestly... I'm not enjoying my man as I did at first. I laugh a bit, I hope I don't have another miracle baby.