The Luna Gypsy

Hayden POV The world is dead to me, sucked of all its life. I live in an empty void. I wallow in the darkness that consumes me. My life has no meaning anymore. Every breath I take is a painful reminder that Amelia no longer takes any. With each breath though, I’m one closer to my last, then I can join the only person I ever loved in the lunar kingdom. I feel like I’ve had my heart ripped from my chest, that it’s been held in the palm of a cruel mistress who squeezes it tightly every time I think of my mate, the love of my life, the light who fought away the darkness, the only person who truly mattered to me, Amelia. Every time I open my eyes from the little sleep I have gotten, a small flicker of hope ignites inside of me. Hope that it was all just a bad dream. Hope that she’s not really gone and that she will walk through the door at any moment. Hope that I get to see her beautiful face one more time. Hope is just a painful reminder that I don’t get to roll over and see her beautiful face ever again. I will never get to see her smile or hear her laugh. I will never get to wipe her tears away and tell her everything will be ok. I will never get to smell her unique scent that makes my mouth water or kiss her deeply and passionately. I will never get to see her with a swollen stomach carrying my child, and I will never get to tell her how much I love her or to call her my wife. Hope is cruel. It taunts me of what was robbed from me. I swing my legs off the sofa in the room I shared with her. I can’t entertain the thought of sleeping in the bed, even though her scent still lingers there. I want to preserve it for as long as possible. Everywhere I look is a painful reminder she’s no longer with me. I won’t let anyone enter the room. I don’t want it touched. I want to keep it the way she left it before she was taken from me. I want to conserve her last moments here. Her Luna dress is still flung across the bed, all tattered and bloodied, her shoes by the door where she kicked them off and the bed all crumbled and untidy from where she curled up on it. I step into the shower and let the cold water hit my body, waking me up. The water slowly starts to heat up, but I get out before it gets hot. I don’t deserve to have hot showers, not when my mate and the love of my life is no longer here to share them with me. I close my eyes and try to remember the last time I shared a shower with Amelia. My mind flutters to the morning of her Luna ceremony. I stood leaning against the door of the bathroom watching her, her fingers lightly fluttering across her delicate skin. Her eyes inviting me to join her, her scampish smile so teasing, but full of promise. I shake my head of the memory. It’s too painful to relive. I get dressed, avoiding looking over at Amelia’s clothes. They’re still hung up the way she left them. I can’t bear to get rid of them. If I do, it means that she really is gone. I know that she is. I saw her die with my own eyes, but deep down inside of me I refuse to believe it. It’s like I can still feel her through our bond. Every now and then, it's like I can feel her inside my head. Her emotions run through me and it has me plummeting down the dark spiral of thinking her death was all just in my head. That this is all just a bad dream, that then leads to optimism flourishing in my heart and the disappointment that comes after takes me to the darkest depths of my mind. I head into the office in the town to start my day. I tend to work here more than at the pack house now because every inch of the place is just a painful reminder of Amelia. I go through the motions I’m supposed to, doing everyday tasks, but I’m not really here. It’s like my body is on autopilot doing what I’m supposed to, but my mind is elsewhere. My mind is replaying that moment that will haunt me until my dying breath. The moment I wish I could forget but can’t, I see it when I close my eyes each night. I see her eyes, the way she looked at me before she plunged the dagger into Randall’s heart. She looked at me with so much love that thinking of it brings me to my knees. “Arrhh!” I sćrėam as the pain stabs at my heart. I stand up, feeling furious. Rage boils over and I’m no longer able to contain it. I flip my office desk onto the floor. The loud crash makes Milo and Zak run in. Looking at her brothers causes me more pain. I’m the reason their baby sister is no longer walking this earth. I’m the reason she is gone. She sacrificed herself to save me. I’m worthless and she was everything. “Hayden, why don’t we go back home,” Milo says softly. It’s like he’s trying to calm a wild beast. He has his hand held out in front of himself as he takes small soft steps toward me. “I’m fine.” I snap, not meaning to be harsh with my words. It's just that I no longer have any joy left. All my happiness died that day when Amelia did. She took my heart, my light, my everything. I slump down onto the floor, feeling like a díck for snapping at Milo. Milo doesn’t care, though. He sits beside me on the floor. Zak comes over and sits on my other side. “Hayden, we miss her too. This isn’t good for you, though. You have to forgive yourself.” I growl at Zak’s words but he’s not bothered, he’s used to me growling as my response now. “Hayden, Mason told you that Amelia knew exactly what she was doing. She knew she would have to,” Milo stops abruptly, his voice cracking just before he did. This just makes the turmoil and rage that is my one consistent companion inside of me brew more. I can feel my skin itching as the fury prickles against it, trying to escape its confines and erupt. I’m the reason he can’t finish that sentence. “She was a stubborn ass who would have done it for any of us. Hayden, she wouldn’t want to see you like this. Let’s go back to the pack house.” Zak finishes for Milo. “No. I don’t want anyone else cleaning up my mess. I'll be ok.” The two brothers both looked at each other before standing up and leaving me alone. I’m always alone now. I could be standing in a room full of people, but I would be the loneliest person there. I lift the desk up and place it back upright. My laptop is smashed so I throw it into a bag for the bin. Smashed glass cracks and crunches beneath my feet, and then I see it. The picture I had of Amelia on my desk. The frame is broken, and the glass is smashed. I pick the picture up from the shards as a tear slips from my eye. My heart feels like it’s been squeezed by the devil himself as the pain cripples me. My stomach feels like it’s been twisted and pulled in different directions, and I find it hard to catch my breath. “Are you ok?” Her sweet voice makes me smile. Instantly calming me and chasing away the pain. I look up and see her standing by my desk, looking around at the mess. Her hair doesn’t cascade down her back anymore, it falls below her shoulders in soft waves, truly angelic. Since her death, my descent into madness comes quicker with each passing day. Reality and fantasy merged together for me. I’ve been imagining her. When I’m feeling down or upset, she just appears out of thin air.It’s becoming more frequent the longer I’m away from her. The mind is a powerful tool. I’m even able to feel her and smell her and when she is near me like this, I swear I can feel exactly what she feels.It’s mostly excitement and happiness, but it’s there. I live for the few moments I get with her. I find myself excited for it. Sometimes I make myself upset just so I will see her. I think this is why I refuse to accept that she's really gone. Because my mind won’t allow me to. I also see her in my dreams. My dreams are different, though. My dreams haunt me. I’m plagued every night of her last moments on earth. It taunts me, letting me know how I failed my mate. How I let that piece of shìt take her from me like he said he would all along. “I am now,” I say, walking towards her. I can’t withstand the distance between us anymore. I need to feel her in my arms. Even though it’s just my mind playing cruel tricks on me, it feels so real. Her cheeks flush a shade of pink as I get close to her. She seems timider now, but I can still see that fire burning in her eyes. I reach across and pull her into my body. Holding her like my life depended on it. She relaxes and wraps her arms around my body, pulling me closer to her. I feel her pulling away, but I’m not ready for that yet, and hold on tighter. If I keep a tight hold of her, maybe she won’t disappear this time. Maybe I can keep her here with me forever. Right now, I would rather live inside my mind if it meant I was with Amelia. She places her hands on my chest and pushes away from me softly. She glances down at her hands and her blush gets brighter. “Did you do this?” She asks. Her eyes look beautiful, they sparkle in the light. I can’t help but look deep into them. “I was upset. I was just about to clean it up.” I run my hand down her cheek, her eyes twinkling as my skin connects with hers. I lean into her, desperate to taste her lips one more time. I don’t get to though, I’m alone in my office with the mess surrounding me. Loneliness is my only companion now, and I’m grateful for it. I don’t deserve to be happy.