Facing Crossroads

XI - Grief and Anger

                                                                   Shane

“How hard is it to answer my call, Shane?” I heard my mom asked, early in the morning.

Gritting my teeth, I tried to focus playing with my younger brother, Alder, who, at eight, couldn’t take his small hands off the toy gun.

“Fleeze!” he shrieked, wonder in his eyes.

I raised my hand in the air, acting scared.

“Shane!” mom called out behind me. “Are you listening? You’re coming home late, beyond your curfew, and don’t answer my calls! Is this how you- “

“How I what?” I snapped, having a hunch on where she would be going. “How I acted back at daddy’s home?”

Alder suddenly stopped playing, his eyes shifting from mine to mom. I stood up from his small bedroom and pushed past my mother, hoping she could just drop it.

“Shane Javier!”

I turned back at her, my chest beginning to get real heavy. “What do you want?”

She gave me an incredulous look, like it was supposed to be obvious. “I want you to grow up! I want you to take things seriously.”

“I am taking things seriously.” My voice got little higher, which I didn’t intend to, but my anger seemed pushing it.

“Really?” she asked, hands on her waist. “I’ve seen your report card. You’re failing Literature? You have low grades on your major subjects. How do you take things seriously?”

I let out a bitter laugh. “I am saving my grades!”

“Really?” she said again. “Is that what you’ve learned from your father?”

That’s it. She lighted the bomb. “Don’t you dare bring my father into this!” I pointed at her, letting all the hate flowed through my words. “My father did everything, everything, to take care of me! He took care of the things that you cannot do because you’re too selfish and stupid and you don’t deserve that little boy!” I pointed to my younger brother, Alder, who at the moment, was now crying.

“You brat!”

“You have no idea what’s it like to live without a mother,” I seethed, my heart hammering in my chest. My chest felt so heavy, but as I let out my rage, it slowly eased the pain I buried deep in me for a long time. “Don’t try to be one now, we both know you’re just faking it. And don’t you ever speak about my father like that again. He’s way a better person than you’ll ever be!”

She looked hurt. Her usual fierce eyes, the same as mine, had tears. “Do you even know what you’re father was doing all those years?”

I glared at her, letting my tears fall, allowing myself succumb to numbness. It was easier to fight when I felt nothing. “Don’t waste your breath. I don’t care what he was. So he made a bad choice in life but he already paid for it with his life. And for the record, I wish it was you. I wish you’re the one who’s gone not him.”

Shock registered into her wide eyes. “You don’t mean that.”

I opened my room then turned around to glare at her, my cheeks hot, anger burning me up. “I do.”

****

I tried to bit back my sob but it kept on coming. So I gave up and succumb myself to grief.

Whenever my dad and I had arguments, I would run to Rocky. He would just let me cry, extending his patience. I never told him anything about the arguments, mostly, it was because of him, and also he never asked. Thinking of it now, I wondered if he even cared.

Jellaine tapped my back softly and smoothed my hair. We were on the parking lot and she was nice enough to accompany me even though I kept my mouth shut on why I was crying. There was a faint growl of thunder, matching my emotion.

“It will be okay, Shane.”

I shook my head, wiping my tears. “You should go to class, J,” I said, giving her a reassuring smile.

She looked anxious, tapping her finger on her lap. “Will you be okay?”

This time, I nodded.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ll come back as quick as I can.”

Her concern made me smile, adding ache to my chest. “Just take your time.”

As she waved her hand goodbye, she hurried to Building B. I suddenly felt guilty for making her late to class. Damn, I’m beginning to be a bad influence to them.

Before I could even get up from my bike, someone started to approach. Someone familiar.

Just great.

“Hey, Shane,” Rocky called out, trailing behind him was Sandra, with the usual scowl on her face. “Skipping class?”

I wiped again my eyes, not wanting them to see me crying.

“Are you crying?” Sandra asked, her pouty lips hung open as she ended her question.

“Come on, Shane,” Rocky said, closing our gap. “I just don’t get why you’d distance yourself from us. I get it, your father died and all- “

I pushed him with force that he almost fell but then he reached out to Sandra for balance.

“You s**t!” he yelled and closed our distance again, anger clouding his face. He never liked being pushed around. But I never really cared.

“Shay?”

We all turned and saw Theo.

He looked like he hurried to be here and I wanted to ask why he suddenly appeared.

“You,” Rocky said, annoyed. “Again.”

Theo glanced at him briefly as he started toward me, not saying anything. I saw Sandra check him out, the usual thing she did whenever there was a new guy. Of course she would find him attractive, I could tell. But he paid them no attention. Theo slightly raised his eyebrow at me, as if asking what was happening.

“Oho!” I heard Rocky sang, sizing up Theo. “He’s your new boyfriend?”

I was about to respond when Theo held my arm gently, silencing me.

“Really, Shane?” my ex continued to comment while Sandra leaned on one of the cars, watching the show. “That guy? He’s one big son of a bitch.”

I felt Theo’s hand tensed, tightening his grip on me.

Rocky was taunting him. “Literally,” he continued.

In a blink, anger flashed in Theo’s eyes that I hadn’t seen before. I was so used seeing his kind eyes and gentle ways that seeing his demeanor shifted to something scary terrified me. For a moment there, I remembered my father, and how his calm mask slipped.

Theo turned around and faced Rocky, heading toward him. “What did you just say?”

That amused the asshole. Rocky really liked it when he bullied someone. He felt powerful in that cheap kind of way.

“I say, you’re mother’s a real bitch.” He looked at Sandra, trying to impress her. “Isn’t she a famous - “

He hit him.

Theo hit Rocky so hard I heard a sharp snap. I gasped, horrified to see Rocky on the cold ground, clutching his face. That alarmed Sandra as well. Nobody expected that to happen.

“What the hell?” Sandra yelled and knelt down, checking on Rocky.

Theo was about to do something when I reached for his arm, stopping him. I tugged at his arm, trying to shake him from his anger. “Theo, stop.”

His nose flared, eyes fixated on Rocky, who curled like a fetus on the ground, refusing to stand. He bent forward, his eyes fixed on Rocky while Sandra looked at him with fright, bracing for a second punch that never came.

“You say that again,” Theo muttered, his deep voice made it much scarier, like he wasn’t throwing empty threats. “You say that again and I’ll hurt you.”

Rocky looked like he wanted to spat the words again but Sandra tugged at him. They walked away in a hurry, droplets of his blood stained the ground.

Watching their retreating form and looking again at the guy who threw the punch, I felt my chest heaved. “Oh my God,” I mumbled.

Theo took heavy breathes, and slowly, he eased up his fists ang rolled his shoulders, flexing his fingers. “I’m sorry, I snapped.”

“No.” I shook my head. “It’s fine. I… I just don’t know what to say.”

He looked around, thankfully there was no guard patrolling the parking area or we would be in real trouble. He checked on his watch, thinking. “I’m already late in class. What do you say about skipping?” he asked.

“Won’t you get in trouble for that?” I said, not wanting to be a bad influence to him.

He shrugged. “Let’s drive.”

Without any other word, we hopped into my motorcycle and hit the streets.