Facing Crossroads

XVI – Tug of War

                                                         Theo

I always believed there was a boogeyman. Someone who patiently wait for you to lose your consciousness and grabbed you by the neck, sucking the air out of your system. It had claws that marred your skin, digging its nails deeply, tearing your flesh. The heavier the pain, the happier it made the boogeyman.

Mom once scared me, saying the boogeyman would snatch me if I don’t sleep early at night. It worked, as I forced my eyes shut, letting sleep take me. But as I grew up, I had learned that boogeyman could take different forms. And I could instantly spot one.

“You okay?” I asked, my voice low, smoothing her back. I hurried toward my mother’s room the moment her screams reached my ears. I turned on the mini lamp on her table. If I could manage, I didn’t want to see the same fear lurking in her eyes every time she had nightmares. But I wanted her to know that I could chase away her boogeyman. I wanted to stare at her eyes and remind her that her life now as different. That she had me now.

Her smile was forced. Her eyes staring blanky. “It’s one of those days, you know?”

I nodded, scooting closer to her, ignoring her flinch when I invaded her personal space. Moments like these made her look like a lost child, scared and utterly tormented inside. “You dreamed of it again, don’t you? You’re back there again.”

Mom sighed, shaking her head, eyes seeking mine. “Sometimes it’s hard to forget.”

I wished I could say I understand but I would be lying. All I knew was she suffered enough and I wanted her to forget all of it. “You always had nightmares when he’s around you. Didn’t I tell you that?”

This time, her smile wasn’t forced. Her rough hands touched my face, ruffling my hair a bit. “If anything, your father made me feel at ease.”

“Mom, why do you always do that?”

“Do what?”

I hated it when someone feigned innocence. “That man isn’t your hero. The sooner you realize that the sooner your nightmares will be gone.”

“That man is your father, Theo.”

I bit back my smirk, looking away from her round eyes. “I wish I have the power to make you forget.”

I felt her embraced me, her head resting on my shoulder. “But that’s the thing, you know. Sometimes you have to remember where you’re from to help you see again where you wanted to go.”

“And where you wanna go?” I asked, hearing my voice getting hoarse.

“I’m already where I want to be, silly boy.” She playfully elbowed me. “What about you? Where do you want to go?”

I opened my mouth to answer then closed it again when I couldn’t find the words to her question. Where did I want to go? Would I want a place where my family would be so I could protect them or a complete different path for me to take my own journey?

I don’t know. I had not contemplated about it yet.

“I need to be at school in three hours for the stage play.”

Mom smiled at me, shaking her head. “I’ll go prepare your breakfast, then.”

I stopped her, raising an eyebrow. “It’s only four in the morning. I can prepare my breakfast, stop treating me like a kid, mom. Besides, don’t you want to sleep some more?”

“You are still a kid.”

I groaned, standing up and headed to the door. “Get some sleep, mom.”

***

“Uh, I didn’t know you invited her to watch,” Jellaine said, her eyes focused on someone in the audience.

I peeked from the thick red curtain, seeing people started to consume the seats in front. Then I saw her. Sandy. I felt my stomach tensed, unsure what to make of it.

“I didn’t,” I muttered, stepping out of the stage, pushing her image out of my mind for now. This wasn’t the right time to be distracted. Jellaine followed me to the back, knocking on the Drama Soc room, wanting to check on the rest of the members. “Hey, everyone okay? Ready?”

Meryll appeared before me, her eyes twinkling. “I am so nervous, Theo. What if I forgot my line?”

“Don’t think like that. You’ll be good. You’ll do great, for sure.” I saw J’s worried face and I wanted to do my role as the one giving courage. She needed me to be that person today. “I’ll check on in with the rest of the cast, J.”

She mouthed her thanks to me as she made her way out to check on the backdrop.

Everyone was already in their costume, murmuring their lines over and over as they stared at themselves in the mirror. Checking in with the rest of them, I realized Shay’s not in the room. I clicked my tongue, scanning the already crowded area. She wasn’t here.

Where was she then?

Leaving the room, I looked for her on the stage, wondering if she was rehearsing with J one las time. But no, she wasn’t there either. I pulled out my phone and was about to call her when someone caught my attention.

A familiar man I only heard in passing when my father was visiting the house. A man so powerful in the underground that one bark of his order could end someone’s life. The man my father detested, someone they marked as an enemy. A boogeyman. A nightmare to so many people. And that man was talking to Shay at the foot of the stage, a smile on his smug face. Looking closely at her, I could tell she couldn’t wait to leave.

And I was right. She instantly turned her back at him and hurried to the backstage to where I was.

“Shay,” I called out, seeing her in a blue flowy silky dress.

When she turned to me, I felt relief to see a genuine smile crossing her face. For a brief moment, I was stunned, as if placed under her control.

“Hey you,” she said, approaching me. “Do I look okay? Farrah’s here to support us, you know. She even did my make up.”

“You look great,” I replied, trying not to get too mesmerized. “You good with your lines? Blocking on stage, the exits- “

She raised her hand, stopping me. “You just sounded like Ms. Marj and Jellaine. I think I’m good. We’ll be fine.” She nodded, as if convincing herself. “We will be, right?”

That confirmed my hunch. She was faking her confidence. I couldn’t blame her. This wasn’t her thing but she was still giving it a go. But I just knew she could pull it off. Shay got that kind of attitude.

“You’ll be okay.”

Shay took a deep breath. “You think so?”

I nodded my head, giving her a smile. “I know so.”

She just smiled and waved her hand. I watched as she walked toward the dressing room, hugging J as she passed by her. All the members cheered on her, saying their best wishes, throwing words of encouragement. She thanked them in return, turning to look over at me before she closed the door. I forced myself not to follow her. I didn’t want to be the moth attracted to the fire, flirting with something that I know could burn me.

But why am I feeling that? The instant connection whenever she would be too closed.

I had no idea why I cared about her as much as I wanted to admit myself or why I had this urge to tell her my story. Maybe because we weren’t much that different and our world has the same sun and moon, played by men dubbing themselves as influential whereas they were nothing but a bunch of law breaker and power-hungry idiots. She was a mere stranger to me not long ago, nothing but just another beautiful face in the crowd for four years.

But all that had changed.

My mom’s voice echoed in the corner of my mind. What about you? Where do you want to go?

I looked at the dressing room, my shoulder tensing. I felt like there was some sort of internal tug of war inside me. One was pushing me to follow her, to take that step to find another path. But there was this heavier pull, wanting me to just turn my back, whispering that she’s a place I had no business venturing into. Not after seeing a man like Detalla circling her, as if announcing she shouldn’t be touched.