Facing Crossroads

XIII - New and Improved

                                                                 Shane

I could count on my hands how many times my father raised his voice. At eight, I didn’t have the same normalcy other kids had, and it wasn’t a big deal for me to only see my dad every Sundays. But this time, his mouth furiously moved, hurtful words coming out, as he fought with my mother.

“I swear it, Sharlene, I swear it to mother f*****g hell!” he yelled, gripping my mother’s arm, pinning her in place. “You let your brother near my daughter again, I am going to kill him. And you have to know it’s a guarantee!”

I felt my body tensed, a lump in my throat. Looking down at myself, I saw bruises, my skin tainted with purples and blues.

“Don’t you threat my- “

“Shut up! Shut up!” He shook her and she winced from his grip. “I’ll raise her myself!”

My mother flailed her arms, trying to free it from him. “You do that! You get her out of here! I don’t want any connection to your filthy job, you bastard! Take her away!”

“Go pack your bag, Shane,” I heard my father say.

This time, I saw me. I saw the eight-year-old me, watching her parents fight, hurting themselves. I understood every word they say but I couldn’t understand why my mother cried when daddy dragged me out of her small apartment.

After all, it was her who chose to give me away.

I watched as my father and the little me get in his car as it drove away, far away from her. But I stayed and looked at my mom, crying and hitting herself, murmuring her sorry for me.

Just then, I woke up, my chest heaving, heart pumping double time. I was out of breath and saw the digital clock on my bedside table read 4:00am.

A dream again. Same dream.

I sniffed, realizing a drop of tear at the corner of my eye.

****

Things got more busy as the third week of November approached. Exams and quizzes, projects and of course, Drama Society. Eagerness to leave college life was one of the things that pushed me, aside from getting the money my father left for me.

His attorney said that the transfer of money will take effect once I graduated college. That was what my father wrote in his last will.

I smiled to myself as I parked my bike. My 2011 Ducati Monster 796 was maybe the most precious gift my father gave me. He hated it when I wished it for my birthday but he let me have it, anyway.

When I stepped into the auditorium, Kevin and Rosie were wearing costumes, swords on their hands.

“Time for you to fit your costume,” Rosie said. She looked excited about the whole thing. She was in her third year, a psychology major.

“Are we having costume rehearsal today?” I asked as I checked a navy blue dress.

“What, nobody told you?” Theo asked, appearing from behind me.

“You’re the secretary, isn’t that your job to make sure everyone knows?”

He feigned innocence. I just smiled.

“Alright, everyone,” Jellaine called out with a clap of her hand. “I know some of you are making thesis or feasibility studies, and really, I appreciate that you still put a lot of effort for our club. We’ll have our stage play in the first Friday of December, giving us two weeks to polish everything.”

Theo leaned closer to me but his eyes remained on Jellaine. “Our director looked exhausted,” he whispered.

“It’s because of the fantasy-type theme of the script.”

I felt his eyes on me but I steadied my head straight.

“So, we blame me now?” he asked, tone in a low hum.

Smirking, I shrugged my shoulder. “Of course not. Chill out, scriptwriter.”

When Jellaine announced that I would be trying out the harness for some of the exhibition, I hurried to her as some guys helped me out secured it.

I found it incredibly fun to practice the stunts. It made me focus and alert. But it also made me forget some lines, ruining the scenes. Stuff like that needed some time getting used to.

After the practice, I asked if they would be hanging out again, since it was a bit early for me to go home. My mother never spoke to me after our fight and I also didn’t try to talk to her. What will I say anyway?

“Not today, Shane,” Jellaine answered, looking tired. “Long exams are coming.” She hugged me, saying goodbye. “But I promise we’ll hang out after this,” she added as she retreated, waving her hand.

“How about you?” I turned to Theo as he zipped his backpack.

He glanced at me. “What about me?”

I shrugged. “Just finding a reason not to go home yet.”

His brows furrowed but didn’t press for more. That was one of the things I liked about him. He brushed the back of his neck as he thought for a moment.

“I’ll be picking up something from one of our dealers. Wanna tag along?”

My eyes narrowed at his wording. Dealers. “What kind of dealers?”

He let out a short laugh, shaking his head. “Not the kind you’re thinking. Come on, Shay.”

****

I left my motorcycle in school.

We sang together in his minivan as the sun started to set. The orangey color of the sky looked so perfect, urging me to paint it. I had noticed Theo could sing, really sing, his manly voice slowly registering in my head.

He threw me corny jokes that sometimes only him could understand. To conclude it, I saw his weird side today.

“You’re awfully cheerful today, Shay, it’s beginning to worry me.”

“Ha-ha,” I replied. But I was surprised at myself too. How long had I last felt this comfort and easiness?

He tapped his pointer finger on the steering wheel as we waited for the light to go green. “No, I’m serious,” he said. “The first time I saw you in Drama Soc, you looked distant, and you threw me an attitude.”

I smiled. I remembered it. What was his word? Difficult. I’m being difficult.

“You refuse whenever J asked you to hang out with us, don’t want to joke with us and preferred to just watch us from the outside.”

“I’m just being careful,” I answered.

He nudged me softly. “And now you realized how cool are we, huh?”

I shook my head. I couldn’t help but smile. “You’re being cocky right now.”

Theo shifted in his seat, squaring his shoulder. “Doesn’t change the fact that you now find us cool.”

I looked away from him. “Whatever, Theo,” I answered in a sing-song voice. How could he easily made me trust him was beyond me. Being raised by a man like my father, I was taught to always be careful. Trust was something too hard to give and my dad taught me that the hard way. That we should hold a certain distance and not let them in our circle.

“Glad to see you all sunshine now.”

The sincerity of his voice made me shiver. But I brushed it off and instead, held my head high. “I’m the new and improved Shane Javier.”

“Ooh, dayum,” he commented, overdoing his reaction. “That’s fierce.”

That made me laughed. It was almost a giggle, actually, and I suddenly realized that I felt good today, like nothing would ever go wrong. I smiled at the thought and looked out through the window.

People walked in haste on the side street, as if chasing time. I bet they didn’t even notice the busy surrounding, as they all boxed themselves to their own bubble. Looking at Theo and the easy way he enjoyed the music while stuck in traffic, as if time was the one who patiently wait for him, another realization struck me.

I wanted to be that.

That kind of person who focus on the beauty of things at hand instead of seeing only the trials.

Then a tinge of fright pinched my gut, knowing that everything would come to an end. And I wasn’t the biggest believer of happy-ever-afters.

Starting anew was maybe one the scariest s**t I had to face.

But I have to try, right? Not for my father.

But for me.