The Godly

2: IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come:

but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish,

for joy that a man is born into the world.

-John16:21

When God announced in the Bible that kids are blessings, believe me, Emilia was drunk in a pub that time and missed the notice. Well, she needed to work her ass off, or else she would get another type of notice... electricity disconnection notice.

Just like how Eve was designed million of years ago, Emilia was giving apples to every Adam. And no, I’m not talking about the apple you get from trees. I’m talking about the apple you harvest when you open a pair of lady’s legs. Actually, that shouldn’t be called an apple, it should be called an oyster. Maybe the first God is allergic to seafood cause I am too.

I grew up to a non-practicing mother, who only remembered that I popped out of her apple every childcare support day. I mean, let’s be truthful about this, not all Eves got that mother-instinct most people are talking about. If I need to name what type of instinct Emilia was in during those early years, I’m gonna say ‘animal’.

What animal? A piranha.

Why? Here’s the scene. Go figure.

“Ohh... yes, Eat! Eat me! Suck me! Suck me, baby! Damn, you eat so good...”

My mouth stopped from eating my diabetes-flavored cereal upon hearing the guy, Emilia was eating, screamed. His voice was then followed by the sound of the headboard banging the wall like there was a World War II re-do happening in the bedroom.

Rolling my eyes, I continued eating my breakfast thinking that my mother was enjoying hers too. Well, talking about getting ‘sausages’ compared to my boring corn flakes, right? She must be having a better time.

“Oh, God! I’m coming... I’m coming... Oh! Yes! Yes! God! I’m coming!”

There. I think his soul is ascending to heaven now. I mean, where can you find God in the first place? Heaven, right? At least this random man’s soul is going upward. I haven’t really tried taking note of where the souls of other guys Emilia took home go, but yeah, I can tell mom was pretty good at being ‘holy’. For Pete’s sake. She has already guided so many souls to heaven, I pity the first God it must be crowded up there due to my mom.

I was already done with my breakfast when Emilia finished hers too. As usual, she walks out of her room with only her cheap lace underwear on. She was also sporting her makeup smudged good-morning-face.

One of the biggest things that confused me back then was why Emilia using face cream every after she put her makeup on. Wasn’t she supposed to dab it on her face after a shower? More so, cant she finds another brand? That clear-cloudy face cream was using smells like chlorine.

“Get out of my way, mouse!” She pushed my chair out of her way and continued trudging to the sink. The man who she was helping with ascension earlier came out of the room after while buttoning his jeans. He looked like he was about to follow Emilia but then stiffened for a while upon seeing me before the table.

“You got a baby, babe?” he suddenly blurted with his eyebrows knotting with each other. He threw me that ‘I-just-saw-an-alien-look’ and then switched his gaze to my mom. “How come I didn’t hear anything last night? I mean... how the hell were you able to hide a child last night? I didn’t even notice she’s with you.”

“Ah... no. You got that wrong, babe.” Emilia threw me a disgusted look, turning her head while scrubbing her face cream off with a towel. Little did I know back then that the face cream she was wiping off were my supposed siblings. “First of all, she’s not a baby.”

“She is a baby--”

“She’s my imbecile housemate who couldn’t even blurt a single word four years after she came here.” Emilia cut the guy off before c*****g her head. “I wasn’t hiding her. She is just naturally not.... a conversationalist.”

“You mean she’s mute.”

“No, just dumb,” replied Emilia before walking to one of the kitchen cabinets and taking out her jar of pills. She swallowed three of it in one go without even drinking water and then yawned. “Too much about that child. I need to buy something downtown later. Where’s my money?”

“Where’s her dad?”

My butt immediately made that number eight twirl on my chair when the guy said the magic word. It was as if my bum was already feeling how Emilia would slap it again non-stop until I can’t use my ass for the next three days or more.

I shot the man who was now fishing his wallet from his pocket a ‘stop-talking glare’ but he didn’t understand what I did. Confusion was almost solid on his face when he placed some dollar bills on the table and then sit on the chair next to me. A few more seconds and he was already looking at me as if I was a specimen under a microscope. “Well, I supposed you didn’t get ‘wind impregnated’, right? That’s not how it works. There should be a man. Woman and Man. What’s this, babe? Immaculate conception?”

“It is an immaculate conception.” Emilia gritted the word before stabbing me a downward stare. She obviously didn’t like the sarcasm that dripped down from the guy’s words. So, she walked away from us and headed to the bathroom.

To that, all I did was shut my mouth, looked up the ceiling, and intertwined my fingers above the table as if I was praying.

Fine, I was the baby conceived from holy electronic sperm transfer.

Probably by text... Hopefully by bluetooth.

But who damn cares... That is just how gods are supposed to be born --immaculate.