Choosing paths

Broken

I didn't know what time it was, I didn't know where I was, I would be surprised if I even knew who I was.

I smiled bitterly, oh heavens, was this revenge? Was this retribution? I leave to be happy and you take that happiness from me knowing I have nowhere else to go.

Is this a power tussle? You know, the kind where you show me your almightiness and I bow in awe of your grace.

I screamed silently at my reflection, all the b***h did was scream back, I punched the mirror over and over again not caring about the tiny fragments that lodged themselves deeper into my knuckles.

I stared at the damaged wall in front of me, glass was everywhere, my blood unfortunately wasn't, I walked through the glass carelessly, not satisfied with the blood that trailed behind me.

I walked into my room, what was once soothing turned cold and dark, it was just a room, I couldn't muster any courage to show shades at this small cocoon, I mean it was the only thing that wanted me, who was I to judge.

I was useless anyway, I walked back into the bathroom not minding the glass, I stepped into the shower, I watched the water wash the blood away.

Why couldn't it just wash me away? poof, non-existent, good riddance to trash.

I didn't bother cleaning up my knuckles; I took out my most depressing clothes, a black hoodie, a black ripped jean and my black Nike.

I stared at the glass on the floor, searching for various reasons why I couldn't just end it right now, I told myself I would end it tomorrow, promised to spare myself the agony.

I walked through the halls silently, everyone had caught the news real quick, even the Christian groups looked at me with pity, pathetic.

The conversations would thin out whenever I walked past, heads would shake, on a good day some tears would be shed, all in all nobody had laughed in my face cause honestly I would have laughed right back.

I blocked out everyone, tuned out every heart felt conversations, a few people even came out of the closet, I guess I was that girl people would always bring up as examples to their children.

Cherry had resumed too, gone were the days of 'Good morning texts' or 'I love you', gone was everything, she acted like I didn't exist, whenever our eyes met it was like she saw right through me.

My heart did backflips anytime I saw her, I waited for her to wake me up one day with 'it's a late April fool's day honey, I'm sorry please forgive me' but the shiny light from her wedding ring always brought me back to real life.

Where those things didn't just happen

Everything hurt here in real life, if my eye brows could bleed too, they would join the bloody symphony in my body.

I wove through class in a daze, trying to remember what I was taught and not caring that I didn't.

Nature did wonders for me now, did anyone just love how the wind caressed the branches of a tree like a lost lover? Or how your view of the clouds were blocked by two faces, two very similar but unwanted faces.

"Hi there" Asher beamed at me

Who smiles this bright in the morning?

"Katya let's go get a burger"

Who says burger? Is this the 1940's, did I travel back in time.

"You can't sit there all day and pretend you don't hear us" Asher said softly

Of course, treat me like a wounded pup won't you?

"Look, all Asher is trying to say is, we miss you and I really want to hang out with you, so come on" Raymond said dragging my unwilling self-up, "can we get a burger now?"

I shrugged, they whooped, I tuned out their voices immediately after, I just wanted to be in my head, it was safer in here.

Asher touched my arm from time to time, I found it strangely comforting, Raymond had me laughing in minutes, I didn't like them invading my me time but I appreciated their effort.

Raymond went to get the burgers while Asher and I walked off to find a booth, he came back minutes later with three mouth watery delicacies and some soda.

I zoned out again, staring out of the window just watching the day go by, two weeks from now I was happy, I had my life in order, I wa- thought I was in love.

So far into space I didn't catch how silent Asher became or the defensive pose Raymond took on.

"Hey guys" a very familiar voice greeted.

What was today? Everybody wanting to meet me day

"Can we join you guys?"

Sure jump right on to our train, don't mind me

"Katya is that ok?" I stiffened from the sound of her voice, what did she want now? She was here with her husband too, shoot me.

I shrugged, it wasn't like I had the heart to tell her off, my heart was too stupid. She scooted in beside me, Nate joined Asher and Ray on the other side, just great.

"So... how are you holding up Kat?" Nate asked

Anyone could feel the air chill, I took deep breaths to steady myself but it was failing, Asher glared at Nate so hard he blushed, he stuttered out an apology for the slip up.

How was I holding up? How wa- deep breaths, how wer- deep breaths, I was this close to a panic attack when cherry placed her hand on my thighs, my skin tingled in a good way.

I cleared my throat several times to get my head back on the road, to remind myself of my reality while I enjoyed the feel of her hands on my skin.

"I'm really sorry Kat, I thought it was done and over with, I'm really sorry this happened" I accepted Nate's apology with a smile

"I'm really sorry too Katya, Nate and I have been engaged for so long, since I was 15, that was five years ago, I just came to this college to feel what it felt like to be free again, I love you Kat I really do but I love Nate, I'm married to him now, I don't know how or when you can move on bu-"

The scraping of my chair halted cherry in her speech, she stared wide eyed at me, I stared right back, the eyes that did nothing but amaze me still did, it was pathetic, I shook my head making my way back to campus, back to my room where it was safe.

I heard the faint yells behind me, I put one foot in front of the other, I took a step at a time, my mind seemed to have blurred out everything but my legs knew the way to go.

I unlocked the door, letting myself slowly in, the room felt eerily calm; I stared at the glass littered on the floor with my dried blood coated on them.

I walked towards the glass like a moth to a flame.

I knelt down not caring about the tiny shards prickling my tender skin, just one cut, I thought to myself, just one clean cut, it would all be over.

I held onto a handful of glass as tears streamed down my face, oh! one cut wouldn't be enough.

One cut wouldn't help anything, wouldn't heal anything, I blamed the stupid glass and I blamed God, I blamed everything.

I couldn't kill myself.

I was too much of a coward to blame myself.