Choosing paths

Numb

My roller coaster ride began from there, when I looked myself in the mirror it didn’t matter what I saw or that I felt nothing, just a body I would think to myself, a body without a soul.

The bars downtown had become my friend, I wasn’t much of a drinker- oh no! I was here for something else, something much better than alcohol, that would be s*x.

I thought it, felt it, needed it, craved it like a drug so I overdosed every time, the next time deeper than the last, the void just kept getting bigger, the more s*x I had, the emptier I felt. I couldn’t help it, it was the only thing that didn’t change.

The loud music irritated my eardrums but the view was kind, women in all shapes and sizes lurked around, I could feel some eyes on me, I knocked my drink back trying hard to keep my facial muscles in check.

“That bad?” I blinked twice to clear my vision, focusing solely on the woman pulling out a chair beside me.

“Nah, vodka is just not my friend” I said hoarsely.

“I can see that, you have a lot of admirers, why are you sitting here all alone?” she tapped her beautiful chin “School tomorrow?”

“Something like that but I’m flexible, I’m almost done anyway”

She arched her perfectly shaped brow “Finals?”

“You bet, I can’t wait to put this all behind me, college and stuff you know, the assignments, frustrations and the constant tiredness” I threw a glance in her direction “I’m sorry, seems I’m boring you”

“Right now, you could never bore me, I’m just thinking of the numerous things your beautiful mouth can do” I fought the blush trying to make me look like a light bulb. “No comebacks? I can’t say I’m disappointed, just very intrigued, I don’t think I can control myself anymore, come home with me?”

“Sure” I gulped down the rest of the vodka scrunching up my face so hard she laughed.

We made it to her apartment in record time, I know she broke a couple of rules to get here. Nothing severe, just a couple red lights and sharp turns, we sat in front of the window for a while praying the cops wouldn’t pull up.

“Well that was fun?” I smiled taking her in, she was absolutely gorgeous, what was it with me and blue eyes?

“You’re a convict now, just wait for the cops to pull up, you’ll be in prison by noon” I teased exaggerating an ‘ow’ when she hit me.

“Oh hush you big baby” I pouted blinking my eyes at an awfully fast pace. “That won’t work on me, besides you look hideous, I’m the beauty you’re definitely the beast.”

I gasped dramatically turning away from her, hearing her laughter behind me brought a smile to my face.

“I’m sorry, come on, it wasn’t that bad, I was most definitely not lying” I glared at her “Ok! Ok! You’re the beas- I mean beauty, you’re definitely the beauty”

She caressed my face lightly with her fingers causing goose bumps to adorn my skin, I shivered in delight. I had forgotten about whatever mock anger I was supposed to retain. A sigh escaped my lips when she began to massage my shoulders.

“Damn, I don't think college is that hard, your muscles are like rocks, you seem really stressed”

“Your hands are really good, just keep doing what you're doing” I mumbled catching a moan just in time before it rang out. She kept on with her torturous massage, leading me far far away from my senses, when she reached a particular spot I couldn't hold the moans, God damn it.

I squeezed my thighs together trying to lessen the ache, the need to be filled up by this woman was painfully, if her hands were any indication, she was going to be a beast in bed.

“Are you uncomfortable?”

I tried to focus on her voice but I was too far gone to be saved, I stared shamelessly at her lips, blushing profusely when she smirked knowingly. I tried not to shy away from the look in her eyes, the desire drew me in only to push me out, I fought the urge to whine.

“Do you want me darling?” she asked trailing her fingers down the front of my shirt to rest on my thighs, the heat from her hand made me clench my thighs harder, Jesus. I gulped audibly trying to get the words out of my throat, her hands moved dangerously close to where I wanted her, I shivered.

“I'll take that as a yes” she claimed my lips then, capturing me in a searing kiss. I tried to break it to breathe but she didn't let me, she dunked me into waters I wasn't familiar with, I tried to reach the surface multiple times, every time I got pulled back under. I gasped for air when she released my lips with a 'pop' sound.

She wasted no time with my clothes, I handled her clothes better than my ripped ones.

I held out my hands trying to slow her down, she effortlessly pinned them above my head.

I opened my mouth silently pleading with her to rock my world gently, she bit my n****e so hard it brought tears to my eyes then licked it afterwards, she did that several times making me squirm under her.

“Pl-ea-se” I pleaded

Hovering over me, her right hand did wonders to the bud in between my legs, it took everything in me not to scream.

“Two fingers or?” I tried to tell her I was too tight for more when she plunged two fingers inside me.

“Ahhhh” I cried out.

“I'm sorry love, it'll get better I promise, I'll kiss it better” she cooed while gently extracting her fingers from me, I watched her dip those fingers into her mouth, moaning as she licked them clean.

I was entranced with the act, she released my hands pulling me into another world ending kiss. She tickled the bridge of my mouth with her tongue drawing out giggles from the both of us, she kissed the corner of my mouth then my nose, the mere action brought tears to my eyes, I was looking for a meaningless tumble in the hay and here she was loving my body.

She trailed kisses down my chest, ignoring the breasts competing for her attention, they ached in a good way, she palmed them still making her way down to my pelvic region.

“How many rounds before I make you scream my name?” she asked burying her face in between my thighs. I leaned on my elbows to take all of her in, I almost came from the look in her eyes.

I smirked shakily “I don't think you're that good so maybe three”

Her eyes flashed dangerously, giving me a smirk of her own she held my thighs apart.

Only one coherent thought ran through my head, I wouldn't last half a round.

*****

“Morning sleeping beauty” she rasped.

I groaned, my sleep was not to be interrupted, it was a golden rule.

“Wake up you! You need to get to school, don't you have classes today?” I placed a pillow over my head to block out her intoxicating voice.

I relaxed when I couldn’t hear her anymore, tensing when the bed dipped, I held my breath waiting for her attack- she got in behind me instead curling into my back. I turned cautiously staring at her through sleepy eyes.

“Come here you sleepy monkey” I wasted no time burying my face in her chest.

I dozed off, loving the feel of her against me, she stroked my hair lulling me even deeper into my sleepy abyss.

*****

“Kat” She shook me hard

“Hmmph”

“Kat get up right now!” I jumped from the sharpness of her voice.

“What?” I grumbled.

“I found your school ID” she held the card, waving it lightly. That cleared my head quickly “Would you like to explain to me why your date of birth indicates you're 17?”

“It was just a mistake, I turned 18 some weeks ago, it hasn't been changed” I lied sweetly, maybe too sweet.

“A school glitch huh? You're a f*****g minor and you let me sleep with you, oh God!” She paced the length of the room raking her hands through her hair.

“Look don’t make a big deal out of this, it’s just my age”

“Just your age, did you say just your age?” She stared at me in disbelief, shook her head and laughed dryly.

“Please, ok I’m sorry, I’m sorry I lied, w-“

“Get out”

“What? No look, we can wor-“

“I just told you to get out” She fixed a cold stare on me “Lock the door on your way out” she walked out before I could clean up my mess.

Just great.

**

“Jeezus! katya, what’s wrong with you?” Asher huffed.

“Huh! Huh- yea sure”

Asher and Raymond gave me a funny look before Raymond left the table.

“What’s up with him?” I nodded my head in the direction Raymond went.

“The question should be what the actual f**k is wrong with you?”

“I don’t know Ash” I searched the Café for anything to get my mind off this conversation, I didn’t know what to say to Asher, I couldn’t explain it to myself yet.

“Katya, it’s been almost a month, I know cherr-“

“It’s not her”

“Then who?” Asher threw her hands in air, her frustration wasn’t helping me with my predicament.

“A woman obviously. I don’t even know her name”

“So a woman you don’t know is making you gloomy, what I really want to say is, it has made you a b***h, you don’t even know half of things that happen in a day”

“I know alright; don’t you think I know that?”

“No I don’t think you do, you probably wouldn’t have known what you were doing if I didn’t call you out on it, you’re anything but stupid, don’t be that now” I failed to keep the insulted look creeping unto my face.

“I’m sorry if that made you feel bad but I say it like it is” Asher stole the last meatball on my plate, I stared at it till it got lost in her mouth. b***h.

Raymond waltzed back to the table like he was a super star. “I’m sorry Ray” he stared blankly at me before his usual smile broke out.

“I see you talked some sense into her” Raymond kissed Asher fully on the lips, when he tilted her head to deepen the kiss I dragged my eyes away from the alluring scene only to land my gaze on the woman who has been tormenting me for weeks.

She gestured at the chair beside her silently asking me to join her, I averted my gaze pretending not to see the her. I saw her through the corner of my eye waving but I ignored her, staring out the window. A hand gripped my shoulder and I spun to meet the gaze of a waiter dressed in their usual red and white, his bow tie looked funny though.

A warm smile embraced his face and he said, “You have a letter from table 13.”

I returned his smile with a confused one of my own stretching out my hand to receive the letter and a faint ‘thank you’ escaped my lips. I unfolded the letter, scanning through the almost unreadable words- I scrunched up my brows not understanding a thing I was reading, the letters were joined in an impossible use of English.

“I see you got my letter” A familiar voice rang out from behind me.

I folded the atrocity of a letter, placing it carefully on the table still ignoring the voice behind me.

“Are you going to keep ignoring me? At least give me a chance to apologize”

“Uhmm lady I think you’ve got the wrong table, we could help you out if you're lost” Raymond offered.

“It’s Jen, i'm not lost and yes I have the right table because the lady I want to talk to is right there” I could feel the burn of her stare. “Aren’t you going to say anything? Jesus Christ! Talk to me”

“I should talk to you?” I asked with sarcasm dripping through my words “Me? You know the one you kicked out without listening to anything I said” I turned fully to look at her then “You remember me? The one you left without any word of reassurance, doors you didn’t answer, the days I knocked and knocked because I didn’t even know your name so I couldn’t find your number in the phone book even if I tried!” I bit down on my lower lip to stop myself from yelling out my frustrations.

“Let me make it right, I’ll make all of it rig-“

“No” I fought her resolve with mine, I had been patiently waiting for this day, the urge to hurt her as much as she hurt me was strong.

“I’ll make it right, walk with me please” she pleaded, the egg shells I had erected round my heart were cracking.

“Walk with her Kat, besides if she’s been on your mind for weeks-”

“Then she means something to you” Asher finished Raymond’s words. They nodded at each other like they were wise shamans.

I weighed my choices, grumbling under my breath while I reluctantly picked up my coat, bumping my shoulders with ‘whatever her name was’ as I made my way out of the café.

“You’re a feisty one aren’t ya?” she huffed and puffed trying to keep up with my fast pace. I ‘hmm'd’ in response.

We walked in silence for a long time, I would have forgotten she was walking beside me If not for her intoxicating presence, I took in deep breaths loving the way her scent made me heady, I didn’t believe in voodoo but this was pure witchcraft. I was calm by the time we had walked down the block.

“I’m a Christian” She said out the blue, a laugh escaped before i could get my rudeness under control. "I know right, it's quite funny don't you think? but it's not, i believe in God and feeling the way i feel for you, it didn't sit well with what i beli-"

"Then you shouldn't have kissed me, you shouldn't have touched me, you should have sat quietly at home reading the book of revelations till you got your sexuality under control, I walked away from my religion, I walked away from the church" i tapped my chest "I walked because i knew it would never mix, i knew i would never be accepted and i knew i would never change. Scratch that, i didn't want to change."

"This" she pointed to herself then me "is wrong"

"Thanks for pointing that out sherlock" I turned around with a deep sigh, I had heard enough "Apology accepted Jane, i'll see you around"

"Whatever the church did to you that wasn't what he wanted, he didn't give up on you Katya, you gave up on him, you took the easy way out- this isn't right still you do it, that isn't what he wants katya but you've drowned yourself in si-"

"Do you think i liked this?" I finally yelled at her "Do you know how terrified i was when i saw a woman and wanted to shag her, did you think i was happy? Do you think it's ok to be confused? i don't even know what i like, i'm f*****g bisexual for godsake!" we had gathered a few onlookers but i didn't care anymore.

"Did you know the woman i gave it all up for is married right now? My own mother didn't want me because i love both genders, my father couldn't care less if i died right in front of him, let's not even go the church, isn't it supposed to be a safe place huh? where were they when i cried and begged to be different, when i begged to be normal, all they did was judge me- they made me feel worse than i already did, you're a christian! i'm a f*****g catholic" someone snorted in the background "if your beliefs were deep well guess what, mine ran deeper."

I let out a shaky breath refusing to wipe the tears from my eyes and said "you don't know anything, so don't preach to me, don't think you know what its like, how it feels; last of all believe what you want, i'm done doing that"

I pushed my way through the small crowd ignoring the calls behind me, i glared at the old women eyeing me "You'll go to hell young lady, a woman loving another woman is a sin, you'll dine with the devil" one of them spat out while the rest turned their noses up.

"I guess you're in luck then because i have a lot of love to give you" the appaled looks on their faces made me feel a tad bit better "Since you want to play God and judge me for my sins i guess i'll see all of you in hell, i hope your wrinkled skin can withstand the heat"

I made the 'f**k you' sign as i walked away, going to my dorm room instead, Ray and Asher would understand besides they would think i went home with 'whatver her name was'

I was trying to open the door when my phone beeped, fisihing it out from my back pocket i read the messages.

Unknown number: It's not jane, it's jen by the way.

Unknown number: I didn't mean to offend you today, i'm sorry i came on strong like that.

Unknown number: Forgive me?

Unknown number: Please say you'll see me again.

Unknown number: oh come on! don't make me look like a stalker. i'm sorry, lunch tomorrow- bills on me.

I rolled my eyes at her audacity, typing a quick response as i shut the door behind me.

Me: Are you inviting me for bible study? if yes i'm not interested.

Jen: Alright i deserve that but it's just lunch i promise.

Me: With me? i don't think you've forgotten how wrong i am with you.

Jen: I'm sorry about that too, let me apologize with lunch please?

Me: Only because you said you'd pay, i'll pick a place and text you.

Jen: Thank you, goodnight.

A good night it actually was until Raymond mistakenly sent me his s*x tape with Asher, i had nightmares and wet dreams after that. damn them.