Still Becoming

There are days when I wake up and ask myself, “Ito na ba ‘yung buhay na pinangarap ko?” Graduated na ako, may diploma sa kamay, pero bakit parang wala pa ring direksyon ang lahat? I’m twenty-four-year-old, and somehow, life feels like a long waiting game. I scroll through job postings every morning hotels, restaurants, front desk positions, even small cafés that might need someone with my background. Pero sa bawat “We’ll get back to you soon,” parang may parte ng puso ko na unti-unting nadudurog. Hindi ko naman gustong magreklamo. I know many people have it harder. Pero minsan, nakakaramdam ka talaga ng pressure. Minsan, parang lahat ng tao sa paligid mo umaabante may trabaho na, may bagong kotse, may business at ikaw, nakatingin lang, hoping your turn will come. Pero higit sa lahat, ang pinakamasakit ay hindi lang yung paghihintay. It’s hearing your family say, “Bakit ka pa maghahanap sa malayo? Dito ka na lang, mas madali at mas ligtas.” They mean well, I know that. They only want to protect me. But what they don’t understand is I don’t just want a job. I want growth. I want to step outside the small box I have lived in for so long. I want to breathe a new kind of air, meet new people, and prove to myself that I can stand on my own. Minsan, iniisip ko, baka selfish ako. Baka mali ako. Pero paano ko malalaman kung hindi ko susubukan? Every night, habang tahimik na ang bahay, I open my phone and check job postings in different cities Vigan, Cebu, Tagaytay places that are both exciting and terrifying. I imagine myself walking in those busy streets, wearing my uniform, serving guests in a big hotel, introducing myself with confidence I still don’t fully have. Then reality hits me the voices at home. “Delikado sa malayo.” “Wala kang kakilala.” “Sayang ang gastos.” “Dito ka na lang.” And the hardest one of all “Magastos ‘yan, anak. Wala kang maiipon sa sahod mo. Lahat ng kikitain mo, mapupunta lang sa renta, pamasahe, at kulang pa sa pagkain.” Those words cut deep because I know they’re not wrong. Totoo naman. Life outside isn’t easy rent, food, transportation everything costs something. Pero habang pinapakinggan ko sila, may part ng puso ko na sumisigaw “Kahit magastos, kahit mahirap gusto ko pa ring subukan.” Because how will I ever grow kung palagi na lang akong takot lumayo? How will I ever learn kung hindi ko haharapin ang mundong gusto kong maranasan? One afternoon, habang naglalaba ako, narinig ko ulit si Mama. “Anak, may nagtanong sa barangay, naghahanap daw ng receptionist sa maliit na resort dito lang, subukan mo muna ‘yan.” I smiled, but deep inside, I whispered, “Ma, gusto kong subukan ‘yung sarili ko sa labas ng mundo natin.” That night, I prayed silently. “Lord, kung para sa akin ito, tulungan mo ako. Bigyan mo ako ng lakas para ipaglaban yung gusto kong maranasan.” Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw, pero isa lang ang sigurado I’m tired of waiting for life to happen. Gusto kong ako na yung gumawa ng hakbang. Maybe I’ll get rejected again. Maybe I’ll get lost in a new city. Maybe I’ll cry alone sometimes. Pero gusto kong maranasan lahat ng yon kasi yun ang magtuturo sa’kin kung sino talaga ako. Somewhere deep inside, there is a quiet voice whispering, “You’ll find your peace one day. Just don’t stop searching.” So, I take a deep breath, open my laptop again, and send another application. My heart is still trembling, but this time, I know I’m not just chasing a job. I’m chasing the woman I’m meant to become.