Uncontrollably Falling For You

Chapter 10

It was the middle of June, and school was out of session. The last month of school had gone painfully slow, and I was relieved for it to be over. What I wasn't happy about was the terrible summer heat that had already begun.

I'd made attempts to stop talking to Felix as much as I usually did- but it always ended up failing. As much as I tried, I just couldn't resist him. He hadn't stayed over since the night we'd gotten intimate or whatever you wanna call it... But that didn't stop us from drinking or getting high together and enjoying each other's company.

But since that night our friendship wasn't without a bit of complications... I hadn't ever gotten around to breaking up with Olive. He wasn't happy with it. I think I gave him the impression that I was going to leave her as soon as he left that day or something, which I should have done. I wasn't entirely sure why I was afraid to lose her.. appearances? The fact that I loved her and didn't want to hurt her? But I didn't want to lose Felix over it, either. I wasn't entirely sure who I wanted to be with, I guess.. Or maybe I was too much of a p***y to admit to myself that I wanted to be with a dude.

Olive hadn't been too suspicious of anything. There was only one time that she questioned if I was actually with Felix when I told her I was... of course I was, but little did she know she actually had a right to be suspicious. Since that night I had actually been able to f**k my girlfriend. I was pent up with so much s****l frustration from Felix, and I attempted to use her as an outlet. It wasn't nearly as satisfying as I wanted it to be, but at least she seemed happy. At the end of the day it made me feel like an even bigger piece of s**t, though.

It was the first Thursday after school let out, and we all had plans to go to Brody's to celebrate his, Felix and Lexie's graduation. I was looking forward to it. I'd been kind of avoiding parties since that whole thing with Felix and I, but I decided I needed to get back into the groove of things.

I sat in the front room, waiting patiently for Evie to arrive to pick me up. She had gone to get Olive, and then they were going to swing by and pick me up. Jayla had decided to go over earlier, which was fine, but I wasn't quite ready when she had been.

I watched out the window as Evie's familiar green Honda pulled up to the curb. I stood up and walked out the door, immediately greeted by humidity despite it being eight at night. I hated summer... Luckily, I'd decided to wear shorts. I got into the back seat and greeted my girlfriend and friend.

I couldn't pay attention to the boring conversation the two girls were having. I had too much on my mind. So instead of listening, I pulled out a cigarette and smoked silently in the back seat. "What's wrong?" Olive asked at one point, turning in her seat to look back at me. I shook my head with a smile.

"Nothing's wrong," I lied. She grinned and turned forward again, believing me without a second thought. Truth is- I was nervous... I was showing up to a party with Olive. A party that Felix was going to be at. I knew he would be annoyed with me- but I also knew he would never call me out. As much as he wanted me to leave her, he didn't want people to know the truth about him.

After what felt like much too long, we pulled into Brody's steep driveway. Jay, Lillian, and Felix's cars were all there, so I was guessing we were last to show up. I took a deep breath before getting out of the car. I was slightly taken aback when Olive wrapped her arms around me tightly, leaning up to kiss me on the cheek. She seemed to be in a good mood. I cast her a crooked grin and lead the way inside.

I stepped through the door leading into the basement, my eyes subconsciously searching the room until they fell onto Felix. There was a grin on his handsome face as his eyes met mine and I gave a sheepish grin back. I watched as his expression fell and he averted my gaze, annoyance tugging on his lips ever so slightly. He must have seen Olive walk in behind me, her hand lightly gripping onto the back of my shirt. I sighed inwardly and decided to avoid sitting too close to him. Instead, as Olive greeted Lillian, I wandered over towards Jayla and Brody. They were sitting across the room from the couch, both on ottomans.

"Hey, little Mark," Jayla greeted with a smile, a Miller High Life in her hand. I put my hand up to both of them and sat down on the floor heavily in front of where they were seated. "Hard day?" she asked, looking slightly sympathetic. Should I try to play it off? No... Jay always knew when I was lying. I nodded, tugging on a loose strand of fabric from my pants.

"Lemme get you a drink, Li," Brody offered before standing up and heading upstairs to the kitchen. I felt like somebody was watching me, and somebody probably was...

"What's wrong?" Jayla asked in a lower tone. I shrugged.

"Nothing really, just... I don't know," I sighed. This was the most difficult lie I'd ever had to hide from my sister. How long could I keep it up? She was about to say something else when Brody came back. Her eyes snapped up to him and a soft smile appeared on her face. I didn't miss the look of affection heavy in her eyes when she saw him. Was I as obvious as that when I looked at Felix? The thought made me feel slightly panicked.

"Here you go." He handed the beer down to me and took his seat.

"Thanks man... I feel bad; it's supposed to be a party for you, after all," I laughed before cracking open the can.

"Nah, man. Don't worry about it," he insisted. I nodded and took a large sip of my drink. Before I could say another word, Olive was sitting down beside me, resting on her knees and shins.

"Hey, Olive," Jayla greeted with a smile. "How're you?" she asked. I hadn't really been having Olive over at the house much, so Jay hadn't seen her for a bit.

"I'm good!" she replied happily. I noticed some sort of drink was already in her hand.

"What's that?" I asked, gesturing to her cup.

"Evie made it for me! It's orange vodka and red bull." She smiled at me and kissed my cheek again. I grinned back at her and nodded before taking a sip of my beer. It probably tasted better than Miller High Life...

We were all sitting around bullshitting with each other as the night went on, and I found myself unable to keep from drinking at a fast pace. I glanced over at Felix to see he was chatting with Evie and Rhett on the opposite side of the room, his back towards me. What a relief that he wasn't staring at me...

"Did you guys break up or something?" Jayla suddenly snickered. I looked back at my sister, an eye brow raised.

"W-what?" I stuttered, my eyes narrowing.

"You and Felix... It was a joke," she replied awkwardly. "Man, what is with you tonight!"

"I'm fine, seriously!" I laughed. I guess it was odd for me to ignore Felix... but I hadn't really said much to Rhett or Lillian, either. I just wasn't in the mood to socialize. I took a final sip of my beer and stood up. "I'll be right back." I turned and looked in his direction again, only for our eyes to meet for a split second. I cursed to myself silently and headed upstairs. I turned into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I searched for a moment before settling on a Guinness.

"Mark," I heard a cold voice from behind me. My stomach dropped as I turned to see Felix standing a few feet away from me. I cracked open my drink and cast him a sheepish grin.

"Uuuuh, hey," I greeted awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck. I knew I should probably congratulate him on his graduation, since I'd yet to do so.

"Don't feel like talkin' to me today?" he asked, a crooked smile on his face. I shook my head, my brow furrowing.

"No, that's not it-"

"I know, I'm just f*****g with you. I know why you don't want to talk," he cut me off before snorting with laughter. "You should be happy I'm so jealous." He shook his head before grabbing a beer from the fridge for himself. I took a sip of mine, feeling torn. There was no question, with the alcohol flowing through my veins, I would rather be hanging out with him than Olive. I sighed quietly, averting my eyes from his. Instead I stared at the floor in awkward silence. "Well, maybe I'll get to chat with you sometime tonight," he spat bitterly before brushing past me. I closed my eyes briefly, feeling like such an ass. I reopened them and took a large sip of my beer.

"Congratulations on not dropping out," I grumbled. "God, why am I such a d**k?" I shook my head before returning back to the basement. I was dismayed to find that Olive was standing with Evie, who was by Felix, talking loudly and happily. He glanced over at me, expressionless, and then looked back at my girlfriend as she spoke. I made my way over to Brody and my sister, stumbling slightly as I went.

"Whoa there, Mark," Jayla laughed. "You aren't playing games tonight, huh?" I laughed back, a bit too obnoxiously. I was trying to pretend to be more happy than I was, hoping it would actually make me feel better. It wasn't working thus far... She gave me a wary look and then continued to laugh. I noticed the two of them had inched closer in my time away. That's when something hit me.

"Is Lexie staying home tonight? I thought it was supposed to be a party for all three of you!" I asked Brody. He and Jay exchanged glances.

"Yeah, I'm not sure why she decided to stay home. Why?" he asked back , looking slightly confused.

"I dunno, just wondered. She's kinda a b***h anyways," I blurted out before I could stop myself.

"Mark!" Jayla growled, but Brody let out a loud laugh.

"No, it's fine... She can be pretty bitchy. Especially lately. I don't know what's been going on." He shook his head, looking annoyed even at the thought of her. Oh how I knew that feeling. "Things haven't been going the greatest. You're lucky you have somebody like Olive." That sent a pang of guilt running through me. I looked over my shoulder at her. The whole group was laughing with each other, even Felix. I faced forward again and sighed.

"Yeah...," I muttered. I didn't want somebody like Olive. I wanted somebody like Felix. The thought sickened me, but it was true. I finished my drink and stood up, trying to be as steady as possible. I wasn't sure why but the alcohol I'd been drinking was suddenly kicking my ass. My whole world was beginning to spin. I stumbled up the stairs and made my way into the bathroom. I took a much needed piss before walking to the kitchen. I grabbed myself another beer and peered out the window into the dark back yard. Just as I was hoping, Felix entered the kitchen.

"Do you wanna go out and have a cigarette with me?" he asked and I noticed a pack in his hand. I nodded and followed him silently to the side door. He led the way onto the porch. It was quite dark since there were no outside lights in the back of the house, but I was fine with that. It didn't take too long for our eyes to adjust. We sat down on the bottom step of the porch and I made a point to sit close to him. I watched as he put two cigarettes in his mouth and lit them. He took one out and handed it over to me with a sly smile. I snorted with laughter and took it between my fingers from him. Somehow it ended up on the ground in front of me.

"God dammit!" I hissed and leaned down to grab it. Luckily I had set my beer down somewhere... not sure where.. because I fell forward and had to steady myself with my other hand. I grabbed my cigarette and sat back up.

"You good?" Felix asked, amusement in his voice. I nodded before taking a drag. "You seem pretty drunk." I laughed and leaned over closer to him.

"That's because I am drunk," I told him in an exaggerated whisper. He shook his head, still smiling.

"You're making it quite difficult for me to resist taking advantage of you," he whispered suggestively. I couldn't help but laugh.

"I would like it too much for it to be taking advantage." I took another drag of my cigarette. I glanced over once more to see he was smiling, clearly amused. God he was so f*****g good looking. Why did it have to be like that? "What?" I asked, unable to keep from smiling either. He shrugged.

"You're just funny... you're so difficult sometimes," he explained before taking a drag of his cigarette.

"Psh! So are you," I retorted, patting my hand on the deck beside me to feel for my beer. I found it quickly and picked it up to take a sip.

"Me?" Felix sounded astounded I would say such a thing. "No, I'm not. I'm pretty simple. I wanna be with you... I thought I made that pretty clear." He was still smiling as he spoke, clearly trying to keep the conversation light. His words made my stomach burn. "You, on the other hand, pretend not to like me unless you're shitfaced." That wasn't true... "Then you can't seem to keep your f*****g feelings to yourself.. and on top of that, you have a fuckin' girlfriend." His voice got harsh and bitter quickly as he spoke. I sighed, trying not to get defensive. I wasn't sure if it was the best idea, but I put my beer down between my feet and reached over to entwine our fingers together.

"I don't wanna argue with you, Felix," I told him quietly. "We're alone right now. I wanna make the best of it." I heard him sigh loudly, but his grip on my hand tightened. We sat in silence for a few moments as we smoked. I let my leg lean against his, enjoying the feeling. The crickets were sounding all around us, and I found it extremely relaxing.

"Do you remember when we first met?" Felix suddenly asked, his voice sounding much less tense than earlier. I shrugged before shaking my head. Unfortunately I didn't really remember.

"Not really... I mean, I remember meeting you. I just don't remember specifics," I explained. "Why?"

"Just wondering," he told me with another small sigh. He took a deep drag of his cigarette. "You had white hair... kinda like Jay does. I thought it looked so cool." I laughed and nodded.

"Ah.. It was a f*****g b***h to keep bright," I muttered. "But I liked it too... I think I'll stick with red for a while. I think it looks good on me." He smiled over at me and nodded.

"Yeah, it looks great," he agreed. He let go of my hand to run his fingers through his hair. He let out a long sigh that ended in a laugh. "You don't know how f*****g bad I wanna kiss you right now." He shook his head, taking a drag of his cigarette. I smiled at his words and leaned my head to rest on his shoulder.

"What's stopping you?" I asked. He snorted.

"You kidding? Anyone could walk out here and see that shit." He took a final small drag before flicking the butt into the yard. I took a drag of my cigarette as well and did the same.

"I guess you're right," I sighed. I sat up and grabbed my beer. "You ready to go back in?" I asked.

"Yeah, I guess." He stared ahead for a moment before standing up. I followed suit, having to grab onto his arm for support once I was up. We walked inside, and just as I expected, there was nobody in the kitchen. Before I could stop myself, I grabbed onto Felix's arm. He turned to look, his eye brows furrowed. As he did, I not-so-gracefully pressed my lips against his. I closed my eyes and slid my tongue into his mouth, moving my hand up to grip onto the hair on the back of his head. He kissed me back just as fervently as I had, his teeth grazing over my bottom lip. That's when he suddenly pulled away. "I can't do that," he breathed. "I'm gonna get too horny," he whispered. My face felt flushed with his comment. He reached his hand up to run his thumb briefly over my bottom lip. "It's a little red... but I don't think anyone will think anything of it. Let's go," he sighed, turning to walk down the stairs. I hesitated, taking a sip of my beer, before following him.

I felt dirty as I entered the basement. Nobody looked like they suspected anything, but I felt guilty. I felt like you could read it on my face. I stumbled over to my normal spot for the night and sat down heavily. "Hey!" I greeted the group drunkenly. Jayla and Brody stared at me, both smiling. "What?" I asked, eyes narrowing.

"How much have you had to drink?" Jayla asked.

"s**t, I don't know... not that much!" I waved my hand dismissively. She shook her head, laughing.

"I'm pretty sure this is the seventh beer I've seen you with," she insisted.

"How do you know this isn't the same one I went upstairs with?" I challenged.

"Because you went upstairs with a Guinness and you came downstairs with a Lionshead...," she stated matter of factly. I looked down at the bottle I was holding... yup, it was indeed Lionshead- and it was indeed a bottle and not a can. I simply nodded and took a sip of my dwindling drink. Had I really had seven? I glanced over to see Olive making her way to me. Oh, god, I had to avoid her. I had only moved into a better position to stand when she was suddenly sitting beside me again. She was about to say something when I kissed her forehead and interrupted.

"Hold that thought! I have to piss!" I staggered to my feet and walked as quickly as I could to the stairs. God, going up and down all night really got old! I walked into the bathroom and began pissing into the toilet. I had exaggerated a little so that I could get away from her, but I did actually have to pee. Once I was done, I didn't feel like going back downstairs. So I sunk down to ground, my back against the wall, and stared ahead blankly. God, I was drunk.

As the night went on, things became a bit fuzzy. I continued drinking to the point of feeling nauseous. I ended up laying down in the spare bed, without letting anybody know, and falling asleep.

At one point, I woke up, aware that there was somebody beside me. I rolled over and scooted closer, still in a sleepy daze. Disappointment struck me as I realized it was Olive. I shook my head to clear my thoughts before slowly getting out of bed. I didn't have my pants on for whatever reason. I stumbled out of the room, nearly stomping on Lillian and Rhett, who were asleep on the floor, and entered the bathroom. I took a piss, nausea mildly tugging at my stomach, and then went into the kitchen to get some water. Once I drank some, I quietly headed downstairs.

I looked over in the direction of the couch to see Felix laying on the opened up futon, a cigarette between his fingers. Queens of the Stone Age were quietly playing on the stereo. I walked the remainder of the way down the stairs and took a seat on the edge of the futon.

"What's up?" he asked. I shook my head.

"Uh... nothing," I replied, my voice raspy. I tried to clear it, but I didn't feel like it was working. "Honestly, I woke up and thought you were in bed with me.. but you weren't," I admitted sheepishly. A small smile spread across his face and he took a drag of his cigarette.

"Well, I could be," he told me suggestively. I snorted with laughter.

"Oh yeah, when?" I asked, scooting so that I was sitting directly beside him, my knee touching his thigh. I was still drunk, but definitely less than earlier.

"Whenever the hell you want, dude," he retorted playfully. "Seriously... I could come over and stay in your bed with you whenever you want." He grinned softly at me, making me feel like I could melt. He took a final drag of his cigarette before leaning over and smashing it into the ashtray laying on the floor. He let the smoke slowly out of his lungs.

"I would like that..," I said quietly. Every fiber of my being was screaming at me to lay with him, to press my body against his. Since I was still fairly intoxicated, I listened to my being. I repositioned myself so that I was laying down next to him in the crook of his arm. I draped one of my arms over his chest, taking a deep breath in. "f**k," I breathed.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I've just wanted to do this all night," I admitted, burying my face in his neck. After a few seconds I began to lightly kiss his skin. I felt his hand grip around my waist. I grinned and grazed my teeth over his skin before biting down gently. It didn't take long before I repositioned myself so that I our lips connected and we began fervently kissing. I didn't want to waste any time being gentle.

"You don't know how hard it is seeing you with her," Felix breathed before going back to kissing me, his fingers gripping onto my hair. I bit his bottom lip, feeling the clang of his metal lip ring on my teeth. I wanted to make him forget about that. I traced a hand down his body until it came to his crotch. I wasn't surprised to feel that he was already hard. I'd never really touched him before, but I felt compelled to that night. I slid my hand down his pants and gripped onto his bare d**k, causing his breath to catch in his throat slightly.

"Right now-I'm yours..," I breathed before beginning to move my hand up and down his d**k. "I'm always yours." I wasn't sure what made me say it.. it kind of just came out. Felix undid his pants and slid them down just enough so that his d**k was exposed, making it easier for me to continue. It didn't take very long for him to come, and I was left feeling pretty happy with myself. I had never jerked anyone off but myself, obviously...

Once that was done, he pulled his pants up and rolled to wrap his arms around me. He let out a deep breath and snorted with laughter. "I wasn't expecting that.."

"Me neither," I told him honestly. I buried my face in his chest and closed my eyes. My happy feeling was slowly fading as I reminded myself that I would need to go back upstairs eventually. I couldn't sleep downstairs with him.. What would Olive think then? Or what would happen if somebody found us cuddling in the middle of the night? I was drunk and tired, my mind drifting the longer I laid there. "I have to go back upstairs," I mumbled, sitting up.

"Yeah... I guess," Felix grumbled, a disappointed look on his face. I sighed and stared at him, a longing feeling pulling me to stay. But I couldn't.

"Will you stay over tomorrow night?" I drunkenly asked, though I knew it was against my best interest.

"Maybe," he replied coldly. "Might not be good for f*****g appearances, though." He turned his back to me, blatantly dismissing the conversation. I scowled, namely at myself, and scooted off the futon. I reluctantly began walking towards the stairs, dragging my feet as I went. I was still unsteady on my feet, and I was beginning to feel sicker as the time went by. I couldn't tell if it was the situation or the alcohol doing it.

I headed into the spare room and laid heavily down on the bed, staying as far away from my girlfriend as I could. The last thing I wanted after dealing with Felix's cold shoulder was to associate with her. To my dismay she turned and scooted closer. I probably should have laid down a bit softer.. "You okay?" she asked, sounding groggy.

"Yeah, yeah... I'm fine," I replied quietly, my body tensing as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

"Good... I thought maybe you were getting sick or something," she sighed, cuddling up against my back. Oh, god...

"No. I was smoking a cigarette," I lied, though I was feeling like I could actually use one.

"Okay. I love you," she said happily, kissing my back where her face was.

"I love you, too," I replied, trying to keep my mind blank as I said it. I didn't want to sound too miserable. I shut my eyes tightly and forced my body to relax. I was beginning to realize that I was the worst kind of person in the world.