The Forever Love Journey

Unspoken Words

She shrugged, reaching for a roll of ribbon. “I wasn’t getting at anything. Just wondering, since you seem so against marriage.” She swallowed hard, looking upset. “Glad to know where you stand.”

I sighed as she pushed her chair away from the table and got to her feet. “Jessica , I—”

She’d held up her hand, silencing me. “I wasn’t expecting a proposal anytime in the near future, but the fact that you can never see yourself getting married sucks.” Then she’d left the room and I felt like the biggest asshole.

Still do.

But I can’t help how I feel. Or how I think I feel. I’m honestly unsure of what I want or how I can figure it out, since I hate figuring heavy stuff out. I don’t like complications and weddings and marriage, and forevers are more than complicated, at least from what I’ve seen. My parents’ marriage was full of fighting and abuse and that’s the last thing I want. Plus, making things really complicated means there’s a chance they could fall apart and then I’d be left dealing with the outcome. I had a girlfriend, London, who I thought I loved—although now that I’m in love with Jessica , I’m not so sure I was really in love with London—and then she fell out a window and got amnesia and everything I had with her was lost. It was really hard to get over. If something like that happened with Jessica and me… if I lost her in any way… I’m not sure I could ever get over it.

There are so many reasons why marriage and a future scare the s**t out of me and I don’t think can’t picture myself doing it. I really can’t.

Jessica eventually let the marriage thing go, obviously, since she’s here with me seven months later, but I can tell whenever the future comes up that she’s waiting for me to tell her what I want, but I still don’t have an answer to give her. I want her. That much I know. She’s amazing and smart and brave. She’s more beautiful than she realizes and even though I hate to admit it, I love giving in to her and letting her have her way… most of the time anyway.

But I’ve planned on living my life carefree and doing whatever I want, whenever I feel like it, like I am now without worrying about other stuff. And if five years down the road, I want to get up one day and take off in my truck and just drive off into the unknown by myself, I still want to be able to do it without hurting anyone or worrying about what will happen to those around me—worrying about life. That I might be breaking someone. Or that I won’t be able to because of my own feelings and attachments to certain things. But if I’m married, then that means I’ll have a wife to think about, a steady job, a house, and one day maybe even kids. God… I’m not sure how I feel about that.

The only thing I am sure about is that I never, ever want to lose Jessica . She’s the only girl who’s ever made me feel like a relationship is worth the risk. And she’s not even just my girlfriend. She’s my best friend. The only person I’ve ever felt comfortable enough with to talk openly to. I tell her as much personal stuff as I tell my journal. But if we don’t want the same things, I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to hold on to her.

It’s our last day here—on the road together—and I’m both sad for it to end and kind of glad to be going back so I can take a real shower and eat food that doesn’t come in a can. I’m trying to keep as upbeat as I can even after my little meltdown last night. I didn’t really mean to almost cry last night in the tent, but then he started talking about how he was going up to Star Grove for his mom’s birthday. He never told me he was, which stung a little. But the worst part is that he didn’t even invite me to go with him. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose. I just think that he’s not really thinking about the future as an us yet. It painfully reminded me even more that I have no idea where we’re going to end up—if I’ll ever visit his parents’ with him. And what added more heartache to the situation was having him near me, touching me like he does. It sets off how much I want things to always be this way.

Forever and always. Just him and I.

I just wish he felt the same way, but I’m starting to wonder more and more if he doesn’t.

Still, I pull myself together and manage to make it through breakfast smiling. The only time I let my mood drop is when it’s time to get cleaned up, but that’s for an entirely different reason. No matter what section of the country we’re in, all places share one thing in common. The streams and ponds are freezing. Taking a bath outside and actually staying in long enough to get clean is a challenge. It takes a lot of mental preparation. As I strip off my clothing and stare at the translucent water rolling over the rocks in front of me, I shiver, even though the sun is beating down my bare body.

It’s an amazing sight, really. The small pond is tucked between rocks and trees, the water a clear blue, and there’s this little waterfall toward the back. But I know from experience that the beauty of it is going to be lost the moment I step in and I start to freeze.

“You know, you were sexy as hell before,” Moses says from behind me. “But that tattoo makes you look so goddamn gorgeous.”

I smile to myself, remembering how I’d finally decided to get a tattoo right before we left for this road trip. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted, but then decided on a sparrow when I found out it meant freedom. It seems fitting since I’ve never felt freer in my life. Per Moses’s suggestion, I got it right between my shoulder blades. It hurt, but it was totally worth it because with each prick of the needle, I felt freer and freer from my dark past and my parents’ control.

I am free now.