The Forever Love Journey

Reflection under the star

Afterward, I lie still inside her with my head on her chest, feeling her pulse race as she rests against the sleeping bags, running her fingers through my hair. “You have the softest hair,” she whispers with an exhausted sigh.

I push up from her and look her in the eyes. “Is that supposed to be a compliment? Because I’m not sure if a guy’s hair should be soft,” I tease.

She continues to rub her fingers through my hair. “Yeah, it should be. And yours is the softest.”

I chuckle under my breath and then return my head back onto her chest. It gets really quiet as she continues to run her fingers through my hair. I listen to the fire crackling outside, the sound of an owl in the distance, and the river flowing through the trees.

“God, it sucks that we have to head home tomorrow,” I say, letting out a loud breath.

“I know you’re sad,” she says. “And I’m sort of sad that we won’t be spending as much time together, but at the same time I’m really, really excited about taking a real shower.”

I smile, shaking my head. “Not me. If I could, I’d keep doing this forever.” I yawn, feeling exhaustion take me over. “Although, I’ll admit. I do sort of get sick of driving. I’d love to take a break from that.”

“You will,” she says. “As soon as we get home, we can go on a driving strike.”

“Yeah, that sounds nice, but it’ll have to be after I go back home for my mom’s birthday in August.”

Her hand stops moving through my hair. “You’re going back to Star Grove in August?”

I glance up at her. “Yeah… didn’t I tell you?”

I can’t read her expression, but she seems tense. “No, you never mentioned it.”

Shit. I think I might’ve messed up on that one. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I thought I told you about it a while ago.”

She shakes her head, not looking at me but up at the tent roof. “Well, you didn’t.” She pauses, and I can feel that she’s struggling to breathe. “So you’re going in August?”

“Yeah…” I’m not sure what to do to make her feel better. I didn’t mean to not tell her. Sometimes I just sort of f**k up, forgetting that I can’t just do things based upon what I want—that I’m in a relationship now. “I’m only going to be gone for a few days. I promise.”

“Okay.” It’s all she says, which makes the situation way worse, because she’s obviously bothered by this. But I wonder if it’s just because I didn’t tell her about it or because I’m going alone. Or maybe it’s something else entirely—she’s been upset a lot lately. “Jessica , I can tell something’s bugging you, so will you please just talk to me?” I skim my finger across her cheekbone, causing her to shudder. “You seem upset and if you’d just tell me why, maybe I could help.”

“I’m fine… I promise.” She closes her eyes and inhales deeply and I think she’s on the verge of crying.

“I wish you’d just talk to me more about stuff,” I say quietly, not just hoping she’ll tell me what’s bothering her now but hoping she’ll finally break and spill what’s been putting her in a downer mood for the last couple of weeks as well. “You usually do.”

But she stays silent and I let her play with my hair for a few more moments before I carefully slip out of her and roll onto my back. She follows me, hitching her leg over my stomach; then she traces a circular pattern across my sweaty chest.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so cranky,” she whispers in a choked voice. “My head’s just been in a really weird place. And I don’t care if you go see your mom on her birthday—you should.”

“It’s okay to be cranky sometimes,” I reply, wrapping my arm around her and pulling her closer to me. “But you should really just talk to me and let me help make you feel better. No matter what’s bugging you, I’m here for you.”

She shakes her head and nuzzles her face against my chest. “I don’t want to talk about it tonight, but maybe tomorrow.” She sounds so sad and it hurts, not knowing what’s causing it. If it’s something because of me.

Whatever’s bothering her—and has been bothering her—she doesn’t want to tell me, and even though Jessica has opened up to me about a lot of things, I still know from past experience that she can keep a secret like no one else. All those years of popping pills and no one ever knew.

Minutes later she falls asleep in my arms and I stroke my finger up and down her back, listening to the quiet around us that only being in the mountains can bring, attempting to sort through my thoughts.

She’s been really up and down since Chicago, ever since we went to visit Ella and Micha a couple of weeks ago. I’m not exactly sure why, but I think it might have to do with the fact that she wants to get married, something that was brought up during Ella and Micha’s wedding last Christmas. Yeah, I knew Jessica had certain things she wanted out of life, but I hadn’t really thought she’d need to say “I do” one day, until she started rambling about it while she was helping Ella plan things for the wedding. For a week straight, it’s all I heard about—that and babies, since Ella’s sister-in-law was pregnant. I tried to shrug and nod whenever she brought it up, and it seemed to be working for me, until she flat out asked me for a response.

“Where do you see us in five years?” she’d asked while we were tying bows at Micha’s mom’s kitchen table.

I’d glanced up from the bow I was tying, a little startled by her question. “Huh?”

Jessica peered up at me with her beautiful blue eyes. “You and I as a couple. Do you think we’ll still be together in five years?”

“I’m not sure…” I’d squirmed uncomfortably in the chair. “I mean, we’ve only been dating for like a month.”

“Dating, yeah,” she said. “But we’ve been friends for longer and Ella and Micha were friends first, which makes the fact that they’re getting married so young understandable, at least from my point of view.”

I finished tying the bow before I spoke again, deciding just to be honest with her. “Honestly, Jessica , I don’t think I can ever see myself getting married… if that’s what you’re getting at.” I wasn’t sure it was. She was utterly confusing me.