Shade of Human

Four - SoH

Four:

Dread was almost palpable in the air as a tangible matter likened to dreary mist. Central Bucks West was a powerhouse in boys' football and girls' soccer for years now. My school was also in the top one thousand nationally for education. I know I must sound like a freakin' brochure, but you hear this crap enough and it just pops into your head at random.

Dread infused me largely because I was a member of such a prestigious institution. Like all high-ranking schools, the competition is ferocious. The kids are even more ferocious still. Not that I imagine kids are perfect fluffy bunnies in the less competitive schools. High school is cruel, something that most merely survives. Because I was such a physically well-developed and athletic person with a posh girlfriend, I had never experienced too much of the razor edge of drama. I mean, there is always drama.

You might think I am being a bit too theatrical, maybe you just haven't done the perp-walk amid your classmates with the very unfashionable matching wrist accessories. No one forgets seeing you hauled out in handcuffs. This is high school. This is the place where your every misdeed is placed under a microscope then tweeted over at nauseum. My i********: still has memes flooding in every day, with part of my perp walk or the deputy shoving my head down as he forced me not so gently into his smelly cruiser. Not sure where he found such smelly people in our little sleepy town, but his cruiser stunk of rotten eggs and moldy gym socks.

Hashtag jailbait was one of the most popular circulating tags referencing back to my arrest. When people are too afraid to live their own lives, they live through those who are active in their communities. In a lot of regards, video games have existed throughout time, just not always in the digital format we are accustomed to.

Clarke handed me a spare notebook and a few pencils and pens.

"You can at least look like you came to study."

He said, I smirked and accepted two offered items. He was right. Besides, all the better to doodle with! I loved to express things on paper when I was alone. It helped me to convey issues I was working through. Hell, my mom figured out I was gay because she kept seeing me sketch Ariel. She soon realized they were romantic, because of how much I seemed to draw her lips and her other succulent features. Not really pieces I had intended to allow a rent to see, period, but parents seem to nose their way into every aspect of a girl's life.

"Sure, I could study some, once you peeps catch up to me."

I murmured sarcastically. Clarke snorted in amusement. His eyes were bespoken of his lack of surprise at this statement. Clarke has known me all our lives. He knows that I am always caught up on classwork. Not so much because I am studious, more because it comes ridiculously easy for me and I hate having impending deadlines dangling over my head. I also hate owing people money or favors. You want to drive my OCD mind cra-cra, then in debt me to you in some manner, then I will drive myself nuts to be free of the debt.

High school seems to drive us all mad. We all learn soon enough that not all of us are guaranteed to survive the storm. It is a harsh and visceral life lesson and one I know intimately this year.

"Come on, let's get to class."

Clarke said to me, his tone was encouraging. I gave him a half-hearted smirk. He was not buying what I was selling, yet he indulged me with a bright smile. It felt like the first night in juvie all over again, except this was the outside world and I had once been the queen of these halls. Now, as I pulled up and walked through the student parking lot with Clarke, all eyes were on me again. This time they were judging, condescending and many even looking down and away, moving quickly, hoping not to be approached by the juvenile leper chick. It was like a cliché from a teen flick, only it was real and happening to me!

Everything felt alien to me. My life was no longer my own, and I felt my chest tighten. My body tingled and numbed quickly. I recognized the symptoms of a panic attack setting in rapidly. I breathed consistent deep breaths, and I kept walking.

By the time I reached the doors and opened the blue door into the cafeteria, I was half-mad with the anxiety of being the centerpiece of everyone's morning. The fallen queen's return was anything but triumphant. It felt void at school without Ariel to cling to me as my sweet feminine support system.

As I walked the halls, ghostly specters of my memories haunted me at every single turn. Everything was a reminder of some moment with my girlfriend. Ariel and I had made memories at every junction in this school. We had so many firsts shared on campus, and many more laughs and jokes exchanged. Our sacred ground had become desecrated by the voyeur and the ravagers of the hallways. Echoes of the recent past played out in my keen mind. I was now cursed with the clarity of my memory. I could remember every single solitary moment I had with my dead love in this place. I could linger forever on the endless array of hauntings of this terrifying institution.

I wish I were exaggerating my condition or the impact of trauma on my mind as I entered. It seemed almost as damaging merely to walk here, as it did to hear the whispers, and the rumors about me not so carefully exchanged as I passed by people. The idiots even texted back and forth, snapping pictures of me as I walked by. Like they were doing some spy maneuver and secretly capturing the wild delinquent in her natural habitat. High school was akin to Animal Planet under the very best of circumstances, these being far from the best!

My rage played in my eyes, so much so that girls and even grown boys looked downcast from me as I passed. Fallen queen, I may be, but alpha b***h I still am! I dared them to further f**k with me with every glare. Not so surprising. They all shut up and kept on moving. I was certain they would continue their gossiping from whatever they deemed to be a safe distance from the rampaging delinquent grizzly. Like I even cared about their miserable existence. My dance card was full, between protecting Clarke and tracking down strange dead or undead threats. Not to mention some mysterious detective Clarke had mentioned. I had enough to keep me busy till graduation.

Bubbly had never been something one would ascribe to my nature, but in my return, I discovered now just how annoyed and distant I felt with everyone around me. The discontentedness and the irreparable pain seemed to reverberate in every corridor of my mind and soul. My people tolerance appeared to have plummeted to nil and my usually relaxed vibe was frazzled.

"You know, if we leave now, we could be in Canada before nightfall!"

I said, as I turned and cut Clarke a bemused look. He rolled his eyes at me and he continued to glare challengingly at every bro who passed me in the hall. He was throwing down the bro-down, and they all knew he will throw his fists for me. It was the sweetest thing anyone had done for me in a while—which bespeaks my lot in life more than the sweetness of Clarke's gesture.

"Oh no, you will not haul that fine ass of yours off and outta the country. Besides, isn't it illegal for you to leave the state right now?"

"Technically, yes, but only for like a month."

I said it casually as if it were no big deal. I had been released a month early because I did not get caught fighting. If I did anything for the next two-ish months, they could send me back for another two months. It was annoying and felt like a debt. Which made me hate it even more!

"You going to soccer after class?"

Clarke asked me. I sighed and nodded affirmatively.

"You can take the girl away from the pitch, but you cannot take the pitch outta the bitch."

Clarke sniggered at me.

"I like that. You steal it from someone?"

I shook my head in a wide "no."

"That is a Hannah original right there, you're welcome!"

I said, I turned, smirking cockily at him, as we walked into our math class. Note to whoever wrote this schedule. Never give me math before lunch! It's almost like you administrator types want me to pass out in class! I mean, it is an up-chuck reflex of its own, so I cannot be held responsible for dozing!

Clarke was not the best at math, which meant he usually needed me to help coach him through it—which became napus-interruptus. The class sucked, but at least the teacher was hot and young. Barely finished with her master's degree, and still naïve enough to believe she could affect a change in any of us. I was hardly on the open market for a new endgame, but a girl has needs and eyes!

Texting and low sniggering continued throughout the day. By lunchtime, I considered my options. I knew I couldn't have the table across from the male athletes anymore, despite being the apex female athlete at school. I had fallen from grace, so my social standing was gone. Therefore, it would be impossible to eat while being heckled if I attempted to reclaim what had been rightfully mine.

Maybe six months ago, this would have bothered me more than it did now. I have witnessed death, beatings, and I see spirits and other freaky things. Color me disinterested, so I opted to take my tacos and salad outside to eat in the fresh air. There were a lot of different social types who ate outside, so it was really a safe choice. There were musicians, and there were goths clustered near the bushes or playing their melodies, practicing for the jazz band.

Some social elites were sitting under a tree, opting to eat and dish to each other in peace without the roar of the crowd inside today. There were the loners, and they were all hunched, eating shyly to themselves. Clarke was my constant. He was like my sentinel. He might as well have dressed in his shiny black armor since he was playing the role of gay girl's knight. That image only called up an image of a more delicate princess type of me handing him a rainbow-colored handkerchief and him tying it off on his shiny lance.

(A mind is a terrifying place even in the best of times, so I am not sorry for the state of mine now!)

"Well, at least we have smooth jazz or what passes for it on campus, anyway."

Clarke said in a bemused tone. I snorted and wanted to pop him in the arm again because he made my frown disappear for a half-second. Clarke was devoted to his task of the knight, even though I would never physically thank a guy. It was nearly unimaginable for me, that any male, even my bestie, would allow himself to be drug through my mud, merely for a thankless task.

We would never be lovers, but I knew I loved him irrevocably, forever.