A Killing in Swords

CHAPTER IThe Death of Don Juan The mayor of San Francisco was stabbed to death at approximately ten thirty on the evening of October twelfth, while Alastair Alexandrovitch Timuroff was at the opera. This was fortunate, for on a number of occasions Mr. Timuroff had stated publicly that the city, and indeed the world, would be better off if His Honor came to an untimely end. The people who afterward remembered this and made unkind remarks would have recalled it much more vividly and unpleasantly had there been any doubt as to his whereabouts. Timuroff always took his closest friends to hear Don Giovanni: Liselotte Cantelou, dark and full of fire, who was Viennese and his mistress; his secretary, blonde Olivia Cominazzo, and her husband, Inspector Peter Cominazzo of the homicide detail; and Judge Clayton Faraday, small, elegant, precise, who was as devoted to Liselotte as he was to the opera. Timuroff had first taken them to dinner at the little Russian restaurant on Hayes Street, a block from the opera house, which he said appealed to the Muscovite in him because it was rather like dining with Nabokov’s Pnin, and to the Scot because its charges were so moderate. Then they had gone on to a really splendid performance, marred only when their neighbors in the front row of the dress circle recognized Liselotte, began to buzz about it, and had to be quelled by the Cominazzo frown usually reserved for culprits in the morning lineup. They stayed, applauding until after the final curtain, and left their seats only after the crowd had thinned. “Memorable! Absolutely memorable!” exclaimed Timuroff as they walked down the staircase. “The Don Giovanni was the best I’ve heard since Ezio Pinza’s. As for the Dona Elvira—ah!” He blew a kiss in the general direction of the muse of music. “One soprano only, in all the world, could have done it better.” “Thank you, dear,” murmured Liselotte. “But I was remembering Elisabeth Schwarzkopf!” said Timuroff, all innocence. “Beast!” She dropped his arm. “For this, never, never will I let you make an honest woman of me. Go away!” She stamped her foot to punctuate the statement, which had already attracted the attention of three old ladies and a plump young clergyman. They stared, first at her in some astonishment; then at Olivia, bright and tiny; then at the contrast between Pete Cominazzo’s football frame and Judge Faraday’s small-boned fragility; and finally at Timuroff s five-foot-eleven fencer’s figure and the scar that ran from his Tartar cheekbone to the trim corner of his graying moustache. The old ladies drew back, twittering. The clergyman smiled doubtfully, as though unable to decide whether their social standing merited a stern rebuke or an enlightened tolerance. And Liselotte, trilling her famous laugh, daintily slapped Timuroff’s behind, repossessed his arm, and told him that she loved him anyhow. “Oh, I remember Pinza,” Olivia said, “though I only saw him once when I was little, in South Pacific. He looked just like Pete.” “Now that’s true love,” declared Timuroff. “Most wives would’ve said Pete looked like Pinza. So you love Pete, and Lise says she loves me—though she loves her alimony even more. And tonight’s performance was a splendid one. Let’s celebrate. Champagne must flow.” “Not for me,” said Judge Faraday. “I’ve a hard day ahead of me tomorrow.” “But tomorrow’s Saturday,” protested Liselotte. “Yes, dear Lise—but a man’s last year on the federal bench is as demanding as any of the others. I have my homework to get done if I’m to be worth my salt on Monday.” Clayton Faraday’s parents, both Kentuckians, had endowed him with a patrician nose, a surprisingly deep and well-modulated voice, and a stem courtliness which evoked the law’s majesty wherever he presided. People seldom argued with him. Liselotte made a face, told him that she was désolée because only he could keep her Timmy out of mischief, let him kiss her hand, and then suddenly embracing him, kissed him good-night. They parted with regrets and promises. “I just can’t get used to it,” Pete said. “He’s a great guy, but somehow I always see him in black robes, under the Great Seal of the United States.” He shook his head. “Well, how about coming up to our place? We’ve a couple of bottles already chilled. I’ll make the drink that ex-cavalry character invented at Fort Bliss—jigger of tequila, jigger of brandy, fill it up with champagne. Smooth as a horse’s nose, he said it was.” “He didn’t invent it at Fort Bliss,” said Timuroff, wrinkling his nostrils. “He invented it in Juarez, across the river, where liquor was cheaper.” “You see?” commented Liselotte pleasantly. “My Timmy was also in the cavalry. We wait, and all comes to light. Now at last we learn why he did not remain in the army of the Argentine Republic. Evil companions and this terrible drink made him seduce his colonel’s wife, like me. It was a great disgrace. In the army of the Argentine, they are even now forbidden to mention him by name.” “Dear Lise! How much more fun it would’ve been if it were true. But—” he touched his scar—“I was separated from that service quite honorably after a serious motor accident in Uruguay, which I must tell you all about some day. Think of it, except for that, I might now be dictator of Argentina, or at least a general, instead of humbly selling antique arms in San Francisco.” “Uh-huh,” said Cominazzo. “Humbly” “How else?” asked Timuroff. “Pete, I don’t think we ought to go to our apartment. Tonight’s been so much fun, and you know what’ll happen. Kielty will phone you, or Harrell, that someone’s just been shot or something, and everybody’s sick, and can’t you help out just this once? Just this once! It’s happening twice a week. It—it simply isn’t fair!” “Sweetheart, tonight the chief himself couldn’t roust me out. We’ll crack those bottles, and fix some lobster archiduc. Like in Vienna, Liselotte. You know, young hussar officers trying the routine on lovely ballet girls, and ancient field marshals trying it on lovely ballet girls? With Strauss waltzes played by poor Gypsies hopelessly in love with lovely ballet girls.” “I do not understand. In the convent, they did not tell me of such things.” She gave him her best mother superior look. “Perhaps this used to happen long ago, when our good Franz Josef ruled. Or maybe you have just been reading naughty books?” Olivia giggled. “They confiscate them from juvenile delinquents,” she said, “but there’s not much in them about ballet girls, or field marshals, or even lobsters. Well, okay, I give up. Only I warn you, the lobster and champagne’s just a blind. Pete has The Pistol out of safe deposit, and he’s all set to show it off, as if we all hadn’t seen it fifty or a hundred times.” “Ungrateful wench! Who was it helped me trace my Italian ancestry to the greata Lazarino Cominazzo of Brescia? Who gave us this pistola made by him? Your boss, that’sa who. He gets lobster and champagne. Tim, you’d like to see the great pistola, wouldn’t you?” “Absolutely!” said Timuroff, loyal to his wedding present. Olivia winked at Liselotte. “A nice little station wagon would’ve been more practical, and it would’ve cost less.” “Or a platinum mink coat,” suggested Liselotte. “You have to buy those,” said Timuroff. “You can’t just trade collectors out of them.” They waved good-night to the uniformed sergeant directing traffic out of the opera parking lot, and drove off in Liselotte’s apple-green Rover, up Van Ness, then a block east on Greenwich. Timuroff, at the wheel, talked of his ancestor, Alastair Drummond of Skrye, who had escaped from Cromwell to serve under the czar Alexei Mikhailovich, father of Peter the Great, and who had died in Muscovy full of years and honors in 1696, the very year of the great Lazarino’s passing—giving Pete a chance to mention the great Lazarino’s artistry once or twice. Olivia and Liselotte put in a few pointed remarks about how silly it was for men to waste so much time on outdated firearms and ancestors deader than doornails. They kept it up in the garage and the elevator, breaking off only when Pete unlocked the door. He headed for the kitchen; and Timuroff, making an unkind remark about people who thought only of their base appetites, took The Pistol from the mantelpiece. It was a lovely Brescian snaphaunce, its steel mounts carved and intricately pierced, made while Charles II still reigned in England. He regarded it with affection: it was in perfect condition; he had obtained it for a quarter of its value; by giving it he had rewarded one firm friendship and cemented another; it was one more pleasant grace note to the evening. There was a muffled pop from the kitchen, and presently Pete came in again, grinning, carrying a silver tray with chilled glasses and a champagne bottle. “Come on, girls!” he called over his shoulder. “Mr. Lobster can wait while we drink a few toasts.” “To me?” Olivia called back. “To the pistola,” Pete replied. And then the telephone rang. The silence was instant and complete. The thing rang again. Olivia and Liselotte appeared at the door. “It’s for you, Mr. Inspector Peter Cominazzo,” Olivia said bitterly. “If it’s your friend Harrell, with the news that someone’s aunt’s been murdered, tell him that your little wife hates his guts. If it’s Kielty, make that a double.” “Damn.” Pete put down the tray. “Darling, I told you. Don’t worry—” He picked up the phone. “Cominazzo,” he growled. Then, “Oh, for God’s sake!” A long pause. “You’ve got to be kidding!” A much longer one. “Well, who did it?… Yeah, I know you said that, but what kind of pigeon do you take me for?… Hell, of course I’ve heard of him, who hasn’t? Nutty as a fruitcake. Oh boy, just wait until the press gets hold of this!” His tone had changed; its anger suddenly had vanished. All of them, even Olivia, realized that something had occurred that made the spoiling of their party unimportant. Pete said nothing more for two full minutes, while the phone talked at him. Then, “All right,” he told it. “I’ll be over. Half an hour be okay?… Uh-huh.… Yeah, sure, I’ll bring him with me.” He hung up and turned to face them. He seemed a little dazed. He said, “Don Juan is dead.” Timuroff raised an eyebrow. Liselotte giggled. Olivia said, “Yes, dear. We know. They sent the statue clomping after him to pull him down into the flames of Hell. We were right there.” “I don’t mean that Don Juan. I mean our Don Juan. You know, Lover Boy. His Honor Errol Vasquez Munrooney, all things to all men, one thing to all women, and mayor of San Francisco. He’s been murdered.” “Not shot, I hope?” exclaimed Timuroff. “Any man who wanted a police permit for every flintlock musket in the city deserved a baser death.” “Don’t worry,” Pete replied. “He didn’t give his antigun pals any ammunition. He got stabbed.” “I don’t suppose the Devil sent a stone Commendatore after him?” said Timuroff, pouring the champagne. “He was much too cheap a wolf to rate VIP treatment.” He passed the brimming glasses and raised his own. “Well, here’s to the public benefactor who sent our Errol to his just reward.” “Timmy!” Liselotte was genuinely shocked. “You must not speak this way. It is not funny that this man was murdered. He was a human being, with a soul. Are you not ashamed?” “All right,” grumbled Timuroff, “for your sake I’ll try to be ashamed. But all my sympathies are for the poor girl who stabbed him.” He turned to Cominazzo. “It was a woman, wasn’t it?” Pete nodded. Abruptly, he drained his glass and held it out to be refilled. “Have they arrested her?” “They haven’t, and they aren’t likely to. Her name’s Lucrece. She wears a flimsy sort of toga thing, and lies on a chaise longue, and recites poetry. It happened at a party, at this Dr. Grimwood’s—” “Not the Dr. Grimwood’s?” exclaimed Timuroff. “That’s right, the one and only. I guess I’ve never quite believed he was for real. There was this party going on, about forty of ’em, mostly little big shots, would-be jet-setters, one or two names in the news, and a lot of weirdos. They all say Munrooney was alone with her upstairs in her room. She has one all to herself, just like the other two, only hers has Roman plinths, and statues, and all that sort of jazz.” “Do you mean that this doctor has three petites amies,” asked Liselotte, “all in the same house together?” “Girl friends? Well, yes and no. He’s a retired brain surgeon, with enough dough so he’s eccentric instead of just plain crazy. He’s got a hobby.” Inspector Cominazzo blushed. “He—well, he makes these mechanical women in his basement. There’s Lucrece, and there’s Muriel Fawzi—she’s a Middle Western belly dancer—” “Surely you mean a Middle Eastern belly dancer?” interrupted Timuroff. “No, Middle Western. Her father was an Arab, but her mother was a little girl from Cairo, Illinois. She plays some weird kind of instrument and does this belly dance. Then there’s a beautiful brunette who—I’m quoting Harrell quoting Dr. Grimwood—won’t be born till Tuesday.” “The man’s a genius!” laughed Timuroff. “Gears and springs and all sorts of good things—that’s what pretty girls are made of. I’ve always suspected it.” He looked Liselotte up and down. “What could Errol have been trying to do to her?” “Ha! I do not believe she was mechanical. Why would any man make such an automaton when—when—?” Liselotte gestured expressively at Olivia and herself. “It is ridiculous.” “They wouldn’t have to buy them drinks or dinners, or clothes or furs or diamonds,” Olivia told her. “They could spend all their money on lovely guns and swords.” “That would be nice,” said Timuroff. “But let’s be serious for a moment. Today’s senseless tragedy should be a lesson to us all. To protect our dedicated, self-sacrificing leaders, mechanical women must be registered/” He finished his champagne. “And now, if our host and hostess will be so kind as to attack the lobster and the other bottle, let us return to our revels.” “Quit kidding, Tim.” Pete put his own glass down regretfully. “You know what the man said. Maybe we’ve got time for just one more, a quickie. Then let’s get on our horse.” “We?” “We. Us. You and me. The chief’s there, personally. He’s riding Harrell, and Harrell says I’m to be in charge. To make it worse, Judson Hemmet and Mario Baltesar—you know, Munrooney’s law partners—they’re out there raising hell. So everybody’s going to be riding me. Where you come in is this: Lucrece stabbed Lover Boy with an old dagger—a real antique, with gold on it and a stone handle. You’ve got to look at it and find the murderer.” “What murderer? According to the Constitution, English Common Law, and probably the Code of Hammurabi, mechanical women can’t commit a murder. They’re not legally responsible.” “Okay, the guy who programmed her, the fiend who took advantage of her clockwork innocence.” “Our public benefactor,” said Timuroff. “I cannot do it.” “Come on, let’s get rolling.” “By all means!” Olivia glared daggers at them both. “You know you wouldn’t miss it for the world. Roll on out of here, you party-poopers! One real pig and one honorary one. I hate you!” “Madame”—her husband bowed—“after one more glass we shall remove our porcine presence from your sight.” “The police are not allowed to drink on duty,” asserted Liselotte. “Judge Faraday would not permit it, and when I tell him he will be greatly shocked. Besides, I hate you too. Olivia and I shall devour the lobster. We need the bottle to get drunk on.” “Then we’ll go down to—to the Edinburgh Castle, and dance wild Scottish dances, and pick up two big sailors from a Belfast freighter.” “You’ll find it pretty much a waste of time.” Timuroff smiled. “They’ll make you buy their beer, and fill your lovely little heads with boring anti-Papist propaganda. Take my word for it—I’ve read their slogans on the men’s room walls.” “Already you are jealous!” cried Liselotte, laughing and shooing them toward the door. “Now go away.”