The End of the Situationship

It was me who pulled Jay into my world. I walked up to him in Atlantic City, New Jersey and I nicely told him that I liked what I saw and that he was coming home with me, point blank. I had all intentions of making him my first one-night stand,my sister side eyed me and whispered, "biiiiish, don't do it" , shaking her head but me being the rebel I am, I didn't listen. So after a few exchanged words, like "what's your name", he met me back at my house after the outing was over. I didn't want to talk, I was on a mission. I wanted exactly what I got, him. The night we had was intoxicating. Jay was aggressively gentle and understood the assignment, so I thought. When it was all over with and we exhausted every ounce of energy we both had, we said our goodbyes. I had no expectations to ever see or hear from Jay again. The next day I got a knock at the door. I really didn't know who to expect to see at my door being as though it was midday and at that time all my friends were either at work or preoccupied during the day. I got up, got halfway dressed to be presentable enough to answer the door and when I opened it Jay is standing there. I am baffled because we never exchanged numbers and that was purposeful on my part, so I ask "what are you doing here?" I look around to see who is watching then I look at him and he just smiles. I didn't immediately let him in because I wasn't sure if he understood that he was violating my unspoken rule of a one-night stand. The whole time I was looking at him wanting to have round two but I was playing checkers and he was playing chess. he asked me if I was going to ever let him in and I said no but my eyes told the truth. I left the door open then I turned and walked away to my bedroom where we had been the night before. Jay followed. A set on the couch in my room. + did the same and then he said "yo you crazy" with this bashful manly laugh and I ate it up. This time we did talk for a little bit before things got x-rated but only for a little bit and then round two happened. Afterwards he left but this time he had my phone number to get in contact with me. Needless to say, my one night stand was diverted. The encounters grew more frequent and I grew more interested in this man I knew nothing about and we started to spend more time together than apart all while remaining single. Until one day he didn't call. Two weeks went by and I was genuinely concerned so I got in contact with Jays brother who was close with my sister and he told me Jay had been in jail. That was my way out but I didn't take it. Instead, I wrote him a letter telling him how I was concerned and asking if there was anything I could do because that's just my nature. Jay wrote back with an explanation and expressing how he appreciated that I cared and for reaching out. He went on to tell me how odd he thought I was and that he liked it. That one decision turned into me doing a bid with a man who was not mine, writing letter after letter which escalated to weekly visits after 12 hour shifts at work. I had took the whole concerned friend thing way too far. I was in too deep already even before we started exchanging "I love you's" and things. One visit that stood out was about seven months in. I sign in and I was informed that there was already someone there to see him and that I had to come back next week. I was pissed, but I really had no reason to be and when he called, I cussed him out like he stole my bike. He had some lie that he told me and I just didn't care to fight him on it so I still played my position but with a sense of clarity on what was actually happening. I continued to visit and take his phone calls but I made it clear that I was done. It's comical because nothing really changed except that I started dating. Then I met Ahziz. My visits with Jay became few and far in between them they stopped when he was about 2 years in. I wasn't clear on when he would be out and I honestly didn't really care because I had seemingly snapped back to reality or so I told myself. Ahziz was a confusing man but very passionate and smart. We started out as friends but that quickly turned into a real relationship with actual titles. With the titles came the expectation of monogamy and I did just that but what I didn't realize was I was purely addicted to Jay. I kept every letter and drawing he ever sent me and Ahziz did not like that at all. We got into a big fight about the letters and my feelings for Jay and I tried to explain that we were never really in a relationship or anything but Ahziz wasn't hearing any of it. He threw away some of my letters from Jay but only because he didn't find the rest of them. Then he left me. So when Jay called, I picked up. I told him about Ahziz and the whole 'letter-gate' and to my surprise Jay was so angry at me.I didn't understand why but there was nothing I could do, he stopped calling me and I was disappointed because we were close. When Ahziz came back home a few days later we were better than ever. So good that I ended up pregnant. This was not planned, nor was it intentional but there I was knocked up with my third child in an unstable relationship. Ahziz and I started to fight often and every time we fought, he left. He left so much that I became accustomed to it but I wanted to try to fix things every time. One day, I was sitting home minding my business, pregnant as hell and I get a phone call. I didn't recognize the number so I answered it with caution, it was Jay. I hadn't heard from Jay in months. He called me and said, "I'm coming over" but I explained that he could not because I was in a relationship and I was expecting. Then he responded and said "meet me at the mall or I'm coming over there and I'm going to knock your man out". I was so conflicted. I didn't want to want to see Jay because I was being loyal to Ahziz but I didn't want either of them to go to jail for something so stupid so I got in my car and went to the mall around the corner. Jay met me in the parking lot and asked me to get out of the car and I hesitated, like I actually did something wrong. Finally, I got out and his face broke my heart. I had grown so infatuated with this man. Jay really couldn't believe I was pregnant by Ahziz. He told me that I betrayed him by having a baby on him while he was locked up and I was so lost. I asked Jay, "How could I have a baby on you when we were never actually together?" He looked like he wanted to fight me. That was the first time the situation "ended".