TTMA [Complete ✔️]

19. Clean

Dalia's P.O.V

After getting checked by the doctor, I was allowed to take a shower if I promised to be careful with my wounds.

The doctor had just left, leaving Knox and I alone in the room again.

"Do you need help with anything?" He asked, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. I shook my head, ready to smell nice and feel clean again. The faster it happened, the better.

"What's m-my li-limit?" I looked at my feet, which were dangling from the bed, trying to hide the fear, that was slowly creeping up on me again. I knew he wasn't them, but that didn't stop him from having rules like theirs.

"Dali!" He sighed, sounding frustrated. "Do you think I have a limit?" I looked at him, but avoided his eyes as I shook my head no.

"There's your answer then." With that, he got up and headed for the door as I sat dumbfounded by his words.

"Can I, um, ask you something?" Knox asked, stopping himself inches away from the door.

"Y-yeah," I replied, my hands instinctively starting to mess with my clothes.

"Could you, could I, maybe, give you my products to use? He stammered, redness creeping along his cheeks, making butterflies erupt in my stomach. He was a beautiful man, something I couldn't deny. "You know, since you don't have any yet and so other wolves would know you are my mate and off-limits? Kane would like it and-" He rambled uncontrollably.

"Yes," I mumbled, interrupting him. If I had interrupted someone before, especially a male, I would be in pain not long afterwards, but with him, it was different. For some reason, I knew he wouldn't hurt me, and the happiness in his eyes when I agreed proved me right.

"Really?" He asked happily. I nodded, returning his smile. It was contagious, it sent the butterflies in my stomach doing flips, made me want to smile back, and most of all, it made me want to fight, it made me want to stay here with him and becoming his Luna just so I could watch him smile for the rest of my days.

He ran out of the room, returning a few minutes later with a few bottles in his large arms.

"My body lotion, shampoo, and conditioner I stole from Rose." He explained with a sheepish grin, pointing to each one as he leaned over to set them on the bed.

Our eyes met for a moment, making me get lost in the pools of grey. We held eye contact, the whole room disappearing from around us, leaving only his mesmerizing eyes. He was inches away from me, closer than he had ever been, making my heart race.

This time, however, my heart wasn't driven by fear, it raced with gratefulness and hope that perhaps things were meant to work out in the end. It also raced because of his beauty, he looked even better from up close.

He had light scruff across his strong jawline, his skin had not one imperfection. His breath traveled along the side of my cheek. I could vaguely hear his own heart beating, flipping around just like mine.

I pulled away, making him stand up. He coughed, his cheeks painted a light red.

"I'll be back in an hour, my love!" He whispered, slightly out of breath, with a smile of his own as he left the room.

I tried to collect my breath, my hand slowly moving to where his breath left invisible marks on my face. I caressed the skin, still feeling the warmth and tingles, making a small smile appear on my lips.

I shook my head, focusing on getting undressed without hurting myself. I carefully pulled the T-shirt off, although it wasn't too hard since it was much larger than what my size would be. Then I untied the grey sweatpants and kicked them off, attempting to do it without bending down since the wound on my stomach still wasn't completely closed up and I didn't want to risk ripping my stitches.

I grabbed the towel and products from the bed, carefully heading over to the bathroom and closing the door behind me. It was still difficult to walk, especially when I would get dizzy and I had eaten not too long ago so I didn't want to risk it.

The bathroom was simple, it consisted of a toilet and sink next to the door and a shower opposite them. The shower was behind a glass door and the sink had a mirror above it. The room was plain with beige tiles, while all the objects were white. Despite the light colors, everything was clean and well maintained.

I locked the door behind me, sighing in content at the peace and quiet. The only thing breaking the silence was the water I turned on. I let myself enjoy the sound of the tapping against the glass, knowing that no one was watching my every move.

For once in over eight years, my naked body was only for me to see. It was hidden from everyone else and no one tried to change that fact. After so many years, I could finally have the privacy I so desired.

I got under the water, letting it hit my back instead of the glass. It was already warm so I didn't bother adjusting it, but I couldn't help, but feel the anxiety sneaking back into my mind.

What if Knox didn't allow me to use warm water? What if he too thought I was wasting it?

But he didn't. And deep down I knew he didn't care about the water or how much of it I used and it terrified me more than anything. It terrified me because I knew I was starting to get to know him, starting to let my guard down and I didn't want to do it.

I wanted to keep myself away, but one look and his eyes had my full attention, one word and every fear and belief I've ever had melt away, one smile and I believe I could actually have a future. One, with him in it.

Ever since my family died, he has been the only person to show me any kindness. The only person to treat me like I actually belonged and was needed. What if one day he decided I wasn't worth it? Decided he liked someone else?

Then I would lose him, my hopes of a future going away with him. I was tired of losing. Losing my parents, losing the relationship I had with my brother, losing myself, my body, my sister, and my freedom. I couldn't bear the thought of losing anything or anyone again, I was simply not strong enough.

If I had no one, there was nothing to lose, but what if I had him? Would I just live in fear of losing him my whole life? Spend every moment, where he isn't next to me, thinking about how any happiness I received could be taken away in seconds, whether that be of death or something else.

I didn't know what love felt like, but he was the closest I have come to knowing. I wanted to trust him, but how could I? I didn't even know how to trust myself! I had no idea if the way I was living, the choices I was making, were because of fear or intuition. The doctors didn't trust me -they made sure to hide any pills near me in fear I may hurt myself. I pretended I didn't notice, that it didn't bother me, but it did.

They pretended I was getting better, but was I? Was I really doing better if they couldn't trust me with taking my medicine on my own, if I couldn't help, but flinch every time someone moved faster or made a loud noise? And could I really be mad at them, knowing all their motives were completely reasonable?

The only people that trusted me, my parents, were gone. Dead and cold, six feet underground because of me - my brother made that very clear.

He took it upon himself to remind me every day, for years, how our parents died because of me. How my sister was sold and probably tortured because of me. How he would make sure no one I love, no one I start loving, will see a good day.

So how did Knox expect me to trust him, be his Luna and equal? How did he expect me to trust him, have feelings for him, when I know what would follow? How could I expect myself to trust him, knowing what would follow? Knowing that he too would get hurt or killed because of me.

Because that's what happens, I hurt people. I hurt people like how I hurt Raven, like how I hurt my brother, making him watch his mate die in a fire in front of him, like how I hurt my parents, which were killed because I snooped around and found a book I wasn't supposed to, or like how I couldn't save my sister from being sold!

So many people, people I loved's blood was on my hands. Blood, that I could never wash off. Maybe I was getting better, but I certainly didn't deserve to.

I slouched to the tiled floor, my back hitting the wall. The burned skin caused me pain, but I ignored it because the pain in my heart was much greater than that of a wound. Tears silently fell from my eyes, coating my cheeks.

I felt numb, not even the pain of the realization truly hit. I had felt pain for too long, now, I was just numb. I didn't bother wiping my cheeks or eyes, I didn't bother picking myself up because frankly, all that was going to happen was that I would fall again. And suddenly, a smile didn't give hope for a happy future, but one to avoid.

Nothing he could say or do would change my mind. Not when the constant fear and voices in my head spoke clearly every second of every day. I had already been the reason for too much, I wasn't about to become the reason for more.

So he could tell me to trust him, tell me I was safe as much as he wanted, but I wasn't and I never will be. Especially if I let myself love.

***

Somehow, I managed to finish my shower, scrubbing myself clean, before walking out. On the bed, there were clean sheets and some new clothes with a small sticky note on them.

"I hope these fit! -Knox" Was written on the note.

I picked the clothes up, seeing a pink T-shirt and black leggings, which looked like they might actually fit. A new wave of tears prickled my eyes at the gesture. He had found clothes, in my size non the less. I was going to wear clothes, that actually fit for once!

I crumbled the note and threw it across the room with all the strength I had left. I knocked my balance and would have fallen if I hadn't caught myself on the bed at the last moment.

I could no longer stop the tears, letting them flow freely as my thoughts raced. I got dressed in complete silence, this time not being careful with my wounds because I didn't see a point in feeling well if I was going to hurt the one person, who treated me kindly.

I left my hair wet, too exhausted to dry it, and just slipped myself under the covers, letting my feelings out. Someone knocked on the door, making me grateful for being quiet. When they received no answer, they crept the door open.

Knox.

Tears trickled down my cheeks as I desperately tried to hold back a whimper, which was trying to escape. I couldn't do this, I couldn't look at him, knowing he was expecting a mate I couldn't be. I couldn't look at him, knowing that he would be hurt by me, while he showed me nothing, but kindness and support.

I heard his feet shuffle around until there was a dip in the mattress. He sat at the edge of the bed, making me suck in a breath as memories flooded my brain. I could feel my heartbeat fasten, drumming against my chest and pulsating all the way into my brain as I recalled the way my masters used to sit next to me before sliding their hands along my body.

Knox moved and I could feel his hands gently grab my wet hair and pull it towards him. He carefully picked up strand by strand, brushing them neatly, and drying them with a towel. The never-ending waterfall dripped from my eyes and down my cheeks, rolling into my mouth, making me taste the saltiness of my own pain.

After he finished drying and brushing my hair, he got up and I could hear his footsteps as he slowly walked away before his words made me lose it completely.

"I know you're awake, my love!"

A/N:

Hi, Treasures! Make sure you join my F-a-c-e-b-o-o-k group Teddy's Treasures for extra content and discussions! How did you guys find my book? Anyone who’s not here from a group?