The Dreams that changed Ellie

The Nightmare

“Breathe, Ellie. Breathe.” Christian was pointing at the oxygen tank. "I think I need one of those. I'm out of breath." The poor guy was so pale while holding my hand. He was sending me to the Delivery Room. Inside, I had one of the most painful yet beautiful experiences I could ever have. I struggled to push the baby out and the doctor was about to lose hope. He was about to call for CS but I finally managed to deliver the baby safely. I was about to close my eyes and rest but I couldn’t help but look at the blood on the floor. I smiled because I remembered. So that's what it was. Somehow, my dad was telling me what my life would be. He was telling me that I would be okay. I slowly fell asleep.

Sabrina was a year older and a daddy’s girl. Christian had been so overprotective towards his ladies that he needed to remind me about securing the locks on the doors and checking the CCTV regularly. For some reason, I insisted we don’t install digital locks. I'm not really a big fan of high tech things. I feel like these machines could get hacked and compromised. We use keys to unlock and lock the doors. I usually keep my own keys and lock the doors from the inside and Christian can unlock them with his own set of keys too. “Babe, don’t forget to lock the doors.” he showed me the keys. “Yes, babe.” He laughed. "What?" I asked. "I just like listening to you calling me babe." "We need to talk about that. I say we stop it." "What? I can't hear you. I'm going out. Bye, babe!" He hurriedly tried to go out the door when his phone rang. It was Jerry again inviting him to a party. “Oh well, keep safe then.” “I won’t be long.”, he said goodbye and went out.

That night I was reading my notebook, trying to figure out if I missed anything. I thought about my father. Then I called my mom. She was not getting any younger. We talked in the wee hours of the night and told her how I missed her. “We were planning to go on a trip this Christmas season and we would want you to come.” “Oh dear, I would love to. Anyway, you need to get some sleep. Send my kisses to Sabrina.”, and we hung up.

It was Christmas day and Sabrina’s first time in the snow. We were in a cottage out of town. My mom was preparing dinner while we were out. She used to visit this place with dad back then. I tried to make it a tradition for the family to visit this cottage as often as we could. It was a simple celebration filled with warmth and laughter. It was just me, Sabrina, Christian and my mom. Even a small family like this can be a joy to watch. My little daughter was stealing the show. That was me a long time ago. My dad used to carry me on his shoulders dressed as Santa. The three of us will just cuddle beside the fire sipping hot chocolate. My dad and his bedtime stories kept me up so late at night. I had so many questions lined up for him and he was always eager to answer them, even if he just made them up. I laugh so hard thinking about it now. I have moved on, daddy. Thank you for helping me.

It feels good to finally make a sense out of something so ambiguous before, but that night I had another dream. It was my dad. He was trying to tell me something. He opened his mouth but was unable to speak. His head was inflated and it grew thrice my size. Then he was slowly being pulled away. Something must have pulled him away from me. I ran towards him but I couldn’t catch up. His screams were loud and desperate until they faded into an echo. “Daddy? Daddy!” I sat up, gasping for air. Christian woke up and turned the lights on. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “A nightmare.” I said. I was trembling and crying. "I have to go back to sleep! Daddy's saying something to me." I buried my face in my hands, trying to figure out what happened. Christian hugged me and covered me with a blanket. “Ssssh.. It’s going to be okay. It's just a dream.” "No. No. What is it now?" I whispered.

The next morning, I told my mom about my nightmare. "Honey, it's just a dream. You're okay now. Just calm down, we're here for you." It was difficult to believe that it was only a dream when I had held on to it for many years. Yet, I thought, maybe it was just me trying to find an escape from misery and now I don't need that anymore. I am okay now.