The Mask

❝I can make mistakes that I said I would never do. I can leave the past in the dust. I can quit. Slowly fading like those ships that stand strong despite the waves of the sea, I may disappear. I can dream of the flooded future, My body is slowly sinking. This is me that no one wants to be.❞ When I came to the end of the poem, my gaze shifted to the sea view. I marked the page I was on with my dried rose and began to study the book carefully, as if seeing it for the first time. Although its black cover looked depressing, it had a complex signature with white gilding that overshadowed that blackness. Other than that, there was nothing else. Neither the name of the book nor its author was known. When I noticed it in a second-hand bookshop on the corner, I couldn't control my curiosity and when I glanced at the yellowed pages, I understood that it was a poetry book. I took it because its mysterious side attracted me to it. Good thing I got it. It has been a loyal friend to me for many years. Whenever I needed it, I would open it, read a random poem and involuntarily dive into the distance. Although every word in the book illuminated the corridors of my mind, touching every single line of typewritten quotation marks gave me incredible pleasure. It was the best therapy to clear me of my toxic thoughts. The edges of the book were frayed because I hardly ever took it out of my bag. With trembling hands, I put the book back in my bag and continued my restless wait. Even though I was in a room with the most heartwarming view of the city, the walls were against me. I was not a patient person. That's why the wait bothered me. The hands on the clock seemed to sink into time like the devil's pitchfork. This would be my seventh job interview this week. It wasn't even midweek when the first six failed. I was having a hard time reining in feelings that were pregnant with a new disappointment. Although I had successfully graduated from one of the most prestigious universities in the country, and I had not been satisfied with this and improved myself in many different fields, I could not find a decent job to hold on in the software industry, which has a big role in the business world. Creatures called bosses were making dozens of requests to hire us white-collar slaves of the modern age, snapping their whips on their huge towers that spoiled the silhouette of the beautiful city, and they added the most brutal item to those stupid requests: At least three years of work experience. I'm sorry, but they didn't graduate us with additional features like multi-functional household appliances, all from schools that provide four-year education. Besides, if you want three years of experience and another five years, how would new graduates find a job? That's how I was looking for a job for months. Of course, there were also workplaces that hired inexperienced employees, but they were also hiring employees for ridiculous wages that could not even be tried under the pretext of teaching business. Realizing that I was getting more and more nervous as I thought about these, I took one last look at the CV I had prepared to distract my mind. I knew it wasn't very impressive. The undergraduate education I received at a good university, the master's degree I left due to some setbacks and some program information I designed, a reference letter from the workplace where I did my internship and a good teacher known in the sector, the internationally valid exams I took for the two foreign languages I speak, one at a good level and the other at an intermediate level. There were some certificates that I had obtained from a few programs I attended during my university time with the results. I had no work experience, not counting the compulsory internship at the university. According to legal records. Otherwise, I was in these works for about eight years. More precisely, in the underworld. I compare myself to a tired warrior. After three years of struggle, I had neither the strength nor the will to struggle anymore. But after this point, I was too aware of what was going on. It all started three years ago with the sudden death of my father. When he left this world, he didn't just leave us alone. The debts he left behind, the questions why and how he made these debts disappeared with him. It was tough times for us. Before we could get over the shock of my father's death, we started to think about how to continue on our way. Such was the world. Those who left were saved, the real burden was on the backs of those who remained. We had a good arrangement while he was alive. The only person working at home was my father. My mother quit her job before my brother Öykü was born and started to deal only with my brother and the house. On the other hand, I was attending my school, which I earned with great efforts. There was one that I loved. And now… I was now the only working member of the family. My mother had to take care of her because Öykü was too young to take care of herself. We didn't have anyone else to take care of my sister if she wanted to work anyway. Good day friends, it's been a long time since they left us. I believed that whatever I had done until now, I had done it well. I worked at the same time while I was studying at school. I wasn't the only one who did this anyway. I knew that somewhere, someone was experiencing a similar fate to my own. That's why I was never offended. On the contrary, I made plans to stand up straight and build the future solidly. In the first place, we sold off a few real estates left by my father to pay off the debts with my mother. We would pay the remainder in installments gradually. Our order would settle in time. It did not happen. That's when I realized that there is no single stone wall. The money I earned was only possible for me to pay the debts while managing us. The debts did not end but accumulated as they accumulated. So, I started doing things that would turn my skills into money. These weren't all that cute, of course. However, as I did not dare to fully cross that fine line between me and crime, this also did not yield any results and things turned upside down. I've been waiting to be called for a job interview now. My curious eyes wandered over the other people in the room. Candidates, mostly young people, were waiting excitedly for the job interview. Since I kept my excitement inside, I must have been showing a calm but at the same time dull impression. I hope that I would maintain this controlled state in front of the people I will interview. This was my last chance. I had to make a living doing legal work. That's what it should have been. I couldn't help but think brooding about the debt securities that had to be paid. I don't know how much of this I could have paid if a positive result was obtained from the meeting I will hold shortly. Let's just ignore how much I'm going to pay. How could I manage other creditors? Yeah. I guess that's the question I needed. At best, even if I was put in charge of the company—it was just a dream—I wouldn't be able to clear the debt before five years. Creditors wouldn't be so patient. While he was calculating on the bills, the door of the waiting room opened. A well-dressed young woman stood at the door and looked at the papers in her hand, then looked at me. “Özde Saygin,” I shuddered as she called out. “It's me,” I said in a quiet voice. Damn! By now my voice was trembling. “It's your turn,” she said, and I hastily packed my things and went to the interview room with the woman. When we stopped in front of the double-doored room at the end of the hall, the woman opened the door and said, “Here you go,” and stepped aside. I took a deep breath and calmly walked inside. The door slammed shut once I walked in. At that moment I realized where I was. After so many failed attempts, I should have gotten a little smarter, but no, my hands and feet began to tremble again for fear of making a mistake. I wasn't normally this panicky and insecure, but knowing that time was running out for me was discouraging. I carefully examined my surroundings. Three people, one of whom was a woman, were seated at a rectangular table. There was an empty chair about three meters ahead of them. I walked towards the chair and sat down. I didn't know what to talk about. For example, should I say hi? Would they find it incongruous? Standing like a moron didn't make sense either. They might think of me as rude. “Hello,” I said in a vague voice. After the trio said “Hello” as if they had agreed, the woman continued. “Özde Saygin, isn't it?” she asked. She was staring at me with her dark eyes from behind her glasses that were lowered to the tip of her nose. “Yes,” I answered the woman. “You graduated from Istanbul Technical University Computer Engineering department with a high degree. It says that you dropped out of your master's program in software at the same university. May I ask why?” I was prepared for this question. Of course, it was something that left everyone wondering what happened when I had such a successful education life. “For some family reasons, I had to leave my graduate studies. I plan to continue after I've got it in order,” the woman nodded in understanding. “You have a good school background, you speak two foreign languages. The projects you submitted to us in the application are also interesting,” said the gray-haired man with hazel eyes. I couldn't help but smile at his words. The woman and the young man beside her listened intently to the man speaking. Seeing me relax, the woman spoke as if she had sworn to spoil the moment. “Why should we choose you when there are so many people out there waiting to get this job?” Here is the crucial question. Really, why? After thinking for a while, I started to speak. “I have a hunger for learning. Therefore, I think that I am an innovative and open to development person. Since innovation is now a necessity of our age, it is not possible to talk about building a future without it. This is a sector where I can improve myself and produce new things. As you said, there are people out there waiting to get this job. I'm sure there are people among them who have achieved serious success and proven themselves. I think what sets me apart from them is my passion for what I do. While I was choosing this field, I didn't just look at it as a job. Being an informatics is more than a job for me. Just like writers, I create a new world. This is a universe beyond imagination. By working for you, I want to make the virtual world more useful and just as interesting as the real world,” I concluded. “Impressive,” said the young man. I had seen that glint in her hazel eyes that showed he was impressed. He was obviously an idealist, and it was encouraging to see him support me. “If you don't have anything to add, the interview is over,” the woman said, after asking a few more typical questions from the training I've received and in interviews. “No, that was it,” I said. “We will email you the result of your interview in a few days. Have a good day, Ms. Özde.” “Have a good day,” I said and left the room. The woman who greeted me smiled when she saw me and accompanied me again to the exit. I came out confused. When the suddenly shining sun made my head spin, I threw myself into a nearby cafe. I couldn't believe the meeting was over. Everything was so fast. Worst case scenario, I would get rejected. And that brought another bad scenario into play. I didn't want to get involved in illegal business again. These thoughts were cut into place by another thought like a knife. By working for you, I want to make the virtual world more useful and just as interesting as the real world. That was the height of the lie! I couldn't believe my own words. The virtual world was like a sheet covering secrets, and I was cutting patches on that sheet like scissors and hijacking other people's privacy. Not knowing what I did wrong or what I did right, I asked the waiter for a cup of filter coffee and took out my laptop from my bag. While I was waiting for the computer to boot up, I still had the previous interview in my mind. I was probably mediocre in their eyes. Everyone was getting a college education now. Knowing a second language was something like God's command. Since I was no different from the others in their eyes, it was inevitable that I would be eliminated. Also, my speech was below average. “When I chose this field, I didn't just look at it as a job. Being an informatics was more than a job for me. Just like writers, I create a new world. This is a universe beyond imagination.” It was not genuine at all. When the computer was turned on, I checked to see if there was anyone around, then I entered the betting site I opened and started to check the winnings. 12278 liras* (Lira: Lira is Turkey’s currency). It must have been a short day's profit. Thanks to the algorithm I created, I folded small amounts and convinced the bettors that they had won, and as the number got bigger, I was reducing the odds of winning. In the end, they were the losers and I was the winner. I had prepared the system so cleverly that I was in no way harming it. It was a typical social engineering strategy. My target audience was those who were concerned about making a quick profit. As soon as they enjoyed winning small stakes and played larger stakes, I was the real winner. I would earn better profits if I increased the spam ads that drove people to my site to double my earnings. For now, I put it on small sites with a lot of security holes. After a while I had to take care of the site. As soon as the site reached a certain member limit, the deficits in the algorithm were revealed. There was also the licensing problem. I did not create the site legally. Thus, short-lived sustained attempts were essential to avoid falling under the cybercrime unit's radar. Finally, after checking my e-mails, when I was about to turn off the computer, "Özde Saygin?" someone called me. I looked up from the computer and looked at the man in front of me suspiciously. I don't think I've met this young face before. He must have been in his late twenties. He had grayish blue eyes. His brown hair fell in unruly tufts over his forehead. He wore a sporty but elaborate dress. I looked for signs on his face that I knew him from somewhere before, but no, his face didn't look familiar to me. He knew my name, although I was sure I had never seen him before. "Who are you?" I said without hiding the surprise in my voice. He ignored my question and pulled out the chair opposite me and sat down. I turned off my computer and stuffed it in my bag, then continued to stare at him with a scowl. "Do I know you?" “Maybe yes, maybe no… But what does it matter? I know you." In the face of his unpretentious attitude, I changed my tone and added a threatening tone to my voice. “Don't be babbling. Who are you? How do you know me?" The man straightened his seat and folded his arms across the table. His hawk-like eyes were watching my every move. But he still didn't give me the answer I wanted. “Onat Ayanoglu,” he said, extending his hand to shake hands.