The Wolf Within

Chapter 4

It's been nearly 3 years since I was committed. I wish I could say I had been released and was back to normal life but that isn't my story. Not yet at least. 

 When they first committed me, I had to be heavily sedated for a while. I was too scared and when I realized where I was and I would panic and start fighting or screaming. My memory is a bit fuzzy during this time but my parents came to visit me once during this time. But even in my sedated state I was angry at them for allowing me to be locked up like this. I just sat and glared at them refusing to say a word. 

 At some point, I grew sick of being constantly drugged and decided to stop fighting. I started cooperating with the psychologist. I was honest with him, hoping he could help rid me of this voice. I told him everything. Everything the voice had said. In the end, it earned me medication after medication to try and to inevitably fail. I was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia and I had started to believe I was actually crazy. 

 The voice never went away. Sometimes it was my only company. A lot of the people here were much further gone than I was. Full on crazy. Occasionally, someone would be here for other reasons, like being suicidal, but to them I was the crazy person. I was lonely here. I longed for my life back. 

 After 2 years of treatment, I lost hope of any amount of medication making the voice go away. I was tired of being here. Trying to cooperate and trusting the therapy had got me no where. So I started pretending the voice was gone. Sometimes it was hard to do. When I was angry, I had to work really hard to maintain control. Heightened emotions triggered the voice. The more emotional I was, the louder the voice was. So I learned to control my emotions more and more. 

 My parents had visited a few more times in my first year here. When I got past the anger, I struggled with despair at times. I could tell seeing me like this was hurting them. When I was trying all the different meds, I would be so out of it I would struggle to talk without drooling on myself. It must have become too much for them because eventually they stopped visiting all together. When I tried to call them, they stopped answering. I had recently tried to call them, to tell them I would be released soon, only to realize they had changed their number. They had written me off. I no longer mattered to them. 

 Lacey sometimes visited but it had been a while. She had graduated and gone off to college out of state. At first she expressed a lot of remorse for sharing my secret with my parents and the doctors. I wanted to be angry at her but if she hadn't told them, I probably would have been hit with assault charges instead. Still, I doubt my punishment would have been this severe. 3 years was a long time to be away for beating up a girl who probably deserved it anyways. 

  At least it would all be over soon, I told myself. I was getting out next week. Just a few weeks before my 21st birthday. I had convinced them that the newest medication was the big breakthrough and the voice was gone. I couldn't wait to be out of here. 

 In recent weeks, I had made a new friend. Ashley was here originally on a suicide watch but she had other issues too. She was a cutter. She told me her father had abused her when she was young. He had been a drunk. He would come home wasted and would either beat her Mother or sexually abuse her. Her Mother was terrified of him and had turned a blind eye to what he was doing. The one time she did object, he beat her so bad she didn't come out of her room for a week. When he died in a car accident, Ashley had been happy to be free of the abuse. She thought her Mom and her would get a fresh start and for a while it seemed like she was right. But then her Mother met Frank. Frank was more manipulative than her Father had been. He still abused them both but constantly made them feel as if they deserved it. He told Ashley she was trash. Tainted goods. No one would ever want her. After a while she started to believe him. That was when she started cutting herself she said. She just needed to feel something. Her depression was so bad at this point that she mostly just felt numb. Sometime later she made her first suicide attempt. 

 Ashley's story broke my heart. She had been through so much. She was much younger than me, only 17. I felt myself growing protective of her as our friendship grew. I was worried for her though. What would happen when she got out? Since she was still a minor, she'd probably have to return to that house. It was something I couldn't think about too often. Thinking about my friend being hurt again would enrage me, and of course that would trigger the voice. I had to keep control, I told myself. 

 I was only a few days from getting out of here. I couldn't have been happier about that. I would have to leave Ashley behind when I left. She wasn't ready to leave yet. So I decided to try and spend as much time as I could with her until it was my time to leave. I made my way out to the common area to find her and she was there. She smiled when she saw me. I sat down beside her. The tv was on but there was never anything interesting. They wouldn't allow us to watch anything that was violent or could be upsetting. So normally it was just reruns of old tv shows. 

"Ashley" I started to say "when you get out of here and turn 18, would you want to live together? We could be roommates?" I asked. 

Ashley's eyes lit up and I knew asking her had been the right thing. I had thought if we planned this it would give her some hope. That when she got out, she wouldn't have to stay at her Mother's for long. She could leave as soon as she was 18. 

"Yes! That sounds great Carrie!" She said enthusiastically. "I'm not sure when I'll get out but, yes!" I smiled. 

"I'm sure it won't be long Ash! But once I get out I can start getting set up. Find a job, get a place." I had to start from nothing. That was going to be the hard part. I had no where to go once I got out. My family didn't want me, I couldn't stay with them. I wasn't even sure if they still lived in our old house. It was going to be really hard at first but I knew I could do it. 

 Suddenly something caught my eye on Ashley's arm. 

"What is this?" I asked, seeing 3 fresh cuts . Ashley started trying to hide them. "Ash, you're cutting again?" I was so concerned. I thought she was getting better. I hated to think of her hurting herself again. 

"I...uh..no...I" she stammered "Carrie, I didn't do it this time." She whispered. I was shocked. She had always admitted it to me before so I couldn't see why she would be dishonest now. But that meant someone else was doing this to her. I could feel the rage inside me starting to build and had to swallow it down. 

"Then who did?" I asked. "Because they're going to die" the voice interjected. I ignored it and focused on Ashley. 

Ashley looked around, making sure no one was listening. "Have you met the new nurse?" She asked. I shook my head. 

"He just started. His name is Paul. He's actually kinda cute. He's been sneaking me cigarettes and little hostess snacks. But yesterday we were hanging out and he was asking me about my cuts. He was curious and wanted to see them. I showed him. He asked me if it hurt and I said not really. So… he wanted to see how it couldn't hurt. So he asked if he could cut me. I said no at first. But he reminded me that I did owe him for all the freebies so I gave in. I thought he was gonna only do it once though." I sat there numb with shock. He cut her? A nurse? 

"Ashley! What the hell?" She let him? I was shocked and angry. This guy was definitely some kind of predator and he was preying on my friend. Leave it to Ashley to think this was her friend. She was so used to abusive relationships, she couldn't see this was one. 

"Carrie, please don't tell anyone. He said he's gonna bring me some more snacks and stuff today. He's my friend." I rolled my eyes. 

"Ashley, he's not your friend. Friends don't hurt you like that." 

"You just don't understand Carrie. Just promise you won't say anything." 

I looked at her trying to decide if I would. I couldn't be ok with this. But if I told it would get Ashley in trouble. 

"I won't say anything this time Ashley but if he does it again, then I'm not promising anything."