A Way Out

CHAPTER 3

We were in the car, mum was driving while my head was laid against the wound up window as I watched the passing trees and houses that were in full speed, not able to recognize my surrounding. How could I it had been so long since I left the warmth of my safe home, I couldn’t even remember the year I last stepped out of my front door. I knew it was one of those days after dada left. If dad was around, I was sure to go out often he understood that I had to know my surroundings, that I had to learn to feel safe outside of my home. I had to be able to adapt to other people around me. he made me fond of him, he was the only one who understood me and who I could say very well that I trusted. But he left, the sadness in the family increased it became clear that he was the one binding mother and me together, he was the one who held the family together, the one cheered everyone up. He was the one who made us see the reason to live, who showed us the importance of life he thought me how to live. He gave me reasons for that and then I couldn’t even remember the reasons at all. My mother pulled in front of this compound and the gates were opened for us to get in. I came down from the car without saying a word as my mother went to find a parking spot for the only we had now. I stood in the corner of the compound and took my time to study my environment. There were two buildings one at each side of the compound. They were both bungalows and they were painted yellow with stripes of red, blue and green at the top just below the roof. Then there was this one building, it caught your eye immediately you got into the compound. It caught your eyes not because it was magnificent or elegant but simply because it was different. It was a one storey incomplete building and it stood right in the middle of the compound. I felt a pull on my hand and I looked up to see my mother dragging me towards the building slowly. When we got closer to building, I could finally see what the board at the top said “NIGERIA POLICE FORCE” No wonder the colors of the gate and building looked so familiar. We entered the building and it was noisy, extremely noisy. I never dealt with noise well, it made me uncomfortable. This building reminded me of school. The annoying yelling, banging of tables falling of desks hitting of the board drumming crying and so on. I couldn’t stand any of this. I could hear screams from deep inside the building, they were screams of torture, of pain. They sounded like how I would if I could scream. Then there was the clanging probably from banging of iron with iron. We got up to a counter and mom began talking to the men in black behind the counter. “We are here to report a case of r**e and assault sir and we have proof” mother said hurriedly not really directing it to anyone. “Madam olo-oyinbo cool down first, we no dey run start from beginning “ one of the men said, his voice sounding slur and alcohol ricked from his breath. I began to shake, and my head began twitching, I clasped my hands together and they were really sweaty. I looked up to see the attention of most people in the room were now on me, a look of disgust written on their faces. A woman dragged her daughter to her side, away from the weird and strange man in front of them I began seeing everything in a daze.”Wetin dey do this one now aunty English u no tell us say na mad man u bring come here. If you no carry am comot from here we go arrest una two” the same slurry voice said and only his words were what I needed to start hyperventilating. His words and their looks reminded me of the fact that I wasn’t wanted, I was a mere waste of space. I wasn’t needed, I didn’t fit I never fitted in. I was just so different and strange that nobody could tolerate or understand. I didn’t realize that we had gotten to the car or that I had stopped hyperventilating I didn’t even notice the angry woman boring holes in my head with her death glares. I contemplated within myself whether to look at her and I decided not to I didn’t want to lose control again. “What is wrong with you?” she finally yells at me making me flinch in fear. “Why did you have to make them believe you are mad?” Oh so she thought I was mad, that was what she thought, she believed I was mad, that I was insane, that I was crazy. She was just like everyone else, why did I think that because she was my mother, she would be any different I was so stupid, just like everyone else she thought I wasn’t normal. I knew I wasn’t normal but I didn’t ask for it and I didn’t want tom be treated any different. I didn’t like that I was treated like a very dangerous virus that should be separated from the world. I didn’t like that, yet I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop the stares from the judging eyes of everyone who saw me. I couldn’t get the disgust away from their faces I couldn’t do anything to change what was happening. “Don’t you dare block me out” she said breaking my line of thoughts. I was too scared to look up so I just stared down, why was she so angry, one minute she was nice and the next she was angry. She should at least know that I didn’t act like that on purpose. She used her hand to flip my head so that I would look at her. I made the mistake of looking at her and all I saw was disgust and hatred. I began shaking my head furiously and involuntarily, I didn’t like the feeling I was getting inside of me. Why did she have to prove me right? Why did she have to prove aunt right? Nobody loved me not even her. I started banging my fist on the window, weakly but firmly. I wanted to get out, I wanted to be free, I felt the space begin to close up, I began feeling the sweaty dripping from my body, the car was becoming too small I started feeling claustrophobic, all I wanted was to be free. She suddenly hugged me from behind to keep me calm but I began shaking, my body didn’t like her touching it, I didn’t like her touching me especially not in that way. Hugging me in that way only brought back bad memories, old painful and agonizing ones. Ahhh!!! I let out a loud scream, it was ear piercing and it held every single emotions and feelings I felt. From fear, to pain, to sadness, to worry, to disgust, to sorrow, to anger, to hatred every single emotions. But happiness wasn’t there, the joy I had felt the previous day wasn’t there, the joy was gone and long lost. She let go of me, maybe because of fear or surprise or because she understood the message I was trying to get across to her but I doubt that. She began driving back home, away from the police station. I only sat there in a tensed position staring into the distance ahead of me, everything was now in a blur, I laid my head on the head rest with a thud, my brain couldn’t take any of this any longer, my eyes began closing up slowly, I felt someone tug my hand roughly but I was too weak and tired to fight back or even flinch from the touch. The last voice I heard was momma’s voice coated in panic “Tobi please open up your eyes.

******* ******* ******* ******* *******

I opened my eyes wide and quickly recognized my surrounding I was in my room, in the house I dreaded so much. I turned around, shoving my thoughts aside as I felt the urge to pee. As I turned, I felt something unusually smooth under my bare skin. I looked down to see a white sheet of paper with something written on it. I picked it up and read it without any difficulty, being learned had its perks.

‘Tobi I had to go back to the police station to give my statement and submit the video and since you were still passed out, I decided to leave you

Love Mum’

So much for love and care I thought to myself, you loved me and you still decided to leave me when I was unconscious. I knew that one way or another I was still had to go to the police station, at least to give my own statement, I mean the victim’s statement was always more important than any other person’s. it didn’t take long for mother to come back, and take me back there. She didn’t understand that I had gone through a lot for one day and that I deeply needed rest no she just wanted get everything over with. The scene at the police station was the same, only this time they managed to get my statement. Apart from that, it was the same, the rude men behind the counter, the judging eyes, my embarrassed mother, everything was the same. We got home early, but I wasn’t ready for mother’s words so I hurried to my room and went to sleep, remembering that we were to go see the lawyer the next day.

I was woken up by momma in the morning, I really didn’t want to get up I was tired, I needed rest but she wasn’t getting any of it. She woke me up at about 6 am ruining my beauty sleep. And what was her excuse? “The law firm is really far we have to get there I already booked an appointment so we must catch up with it.” I wanted to ask her why she couldn’t go herself but I wasn’t ready to start up a conversation. I wasn’t going to lie, I was terrified, I didn’t want to know how the lawyer would react when he found out that his next case was that of a crazy person, I wasn’t ready to behold the look on his or her face. I reluctantly got dressed and headed downstairs and I could hear voices coming from downstairs, I wondered who it was momma never had any visitors. No one ever came home apart from a few family members, no friends no nothing. I walked down the stairs slowly, not really curious or anxious to know the person or people sitting in my living room, I just prayed whoever was there left before I got down there but I knew that would be impossible. I didn’t want to go down but there was a war going on in my stomach and I had to stop it. After walking down a few steps I quickly decipher the voice as that of a female and I turn back the few steps I had climbed. I wasn’t ready to face anyone, I wasn’t ready to face any lady, I wasn’t ready to have a break down and I wasn’t going to have one. I quickly scurried up the stairs, into my room and waited for fate to take place as I really hoped that I wouldn’t have to do what I didn’t want to. I laid on my bed and stared up to the ceiling as I drifted far into my thoughts. I thought of many things I thought of dada I thought of momma, I thought of Aunt Shelby I thought of everything. About thirty minutes later, mother comes into the room and sees me laying on the bed she looked really angry. “I came about two hours ago, telling you to get ready and instead of coming downstairs, you decide to go back to sleep” she said calmly trying to hide the anger in her voice. “Come downstairs now I have something for you” she said whilst going outside my room. What did she have for me? Did it have anything to do with the unknown lady? Were we still going to the lawyer? What was her plan? All these questions came to my head in a wave of thoughts, making my head to pound and ache. I decided to stop the line of thoughts but as usual it was really hard and impossible so I stopped because I knew that if I had tried any harder, it would only have increased the head ache. I stalked my way downstairs, reluctant to go, I had a feeling that the lady was still there and I wasn’t ready to face a female stranger. As I got closer, my suspicions were confirmed by the unfamiliar still lingering perfume scent that attacked my nose. I could already hear them talking loud and clear, and even if they hadn’t noticed me, I didn’t want to eavesdrop. Over the years with aunt, I had learnt to not let my curiosity get the best of me. I always stayed within my limits not peering into her business or anybody’s business. I was brought back to reality when mother called my name “Tobi” she started “This is the reason why I called you downstairs” I cringed at her obvious tautology, even I knew that was a wrong statement. “This lady is our lawyer and she would help us get justice from the court. I knew that you would have been very uncomfortable with the eyes staring at you and you wouldn’t like the attention that you got from strangers so I just decided on bringing her over.” I looked at my shoes, knowing very well that she just lied through her teeth. I saw a hand come in front of me waiting for a hand shake as I heard a raspy voice say ‘hi’ I ignored both gestures. As my lawyer, she was meant to know everything about me and shouldn’t expect me to say high or make physical contact with a stranger; I hardly even did that to my mum she didn’t have to expect anything different. After realizing I wasn’t going to reply the gesture, the hand retreated. “Tobi why don’t you say high to Miss Amanda?” “Don’t worry if he isn’t comfortable with the gesture I understand” It felt like they were talking to a child but that didn’t bother me. what bothered me was the height at which my mother’s selfishness had grown and the way in which it grew. She lied to me trying to cover up her selfish intentions but I knew very well that she was just putting up a show she reminded me of aunt Shelby right now. I knew she didn’t bring the lawyer here because of the how people’s reaction would affect me but how it would affect her. She didn’t want to be disgraced, she didn’t want to be known as the lady with a crazy son so she took the easy way out. And then out of all lawyers, she decided to bring a female lawyer and then she wants me to communicate freely with her. “Have your seat please” she said to me. I really didn’t want to do that, I was not comfortable around her and I was hungry. “Tobi” she started, “I’m really sorry for all what you had to go through” she said I gave her my best glare, I wasn’t pathetic, I didn’t need pity. Why did she have to act so sympathetic even though she wasn’t? I’m sure she was into this not for the justice but for the money. She didn’t seem to notice the disgust and anger that came with my glare as she continued. “I would just like you to try to recount whatever has been happening between you and your aunty and for how long.” She said that as if it was a mutual understanding between me and aunt, as if we agreed on doing something together, as if we both were accomplice who had committed a crime and I was the only one who got caught. I looked down not ready to answer but mother didn’t seem to understand “Tobi she is asking you a question why don’t you answer her” I looked up to the so called lawyer who clearly didn’t know the meaning of feelings. She already had her notepad and pen out, ready to write down whatever I said. She caught me staring and before I could look down, gave me a weak smile as if telling me to answer her or else she would be left embarrassed. How did they expect me to recount those horrible moments didn’t they put my needs in front of theirs for once why did they have to be so heartless they wanted me to remember the hate, the pain, the fear, the anger, the scars, the grips, the videos but I didn’t want to. Before I knew it, was already having flashes of those hurtful time and I began rocking myself back and forth. I didn’t know how my legs ended on the couch and how my knees were pressed up to my chest, all I knew was that I was rocking myself like a deranged child while my ears picked up random words that fell out the mouths of the lawyer and momma. After I calmed down, mum still made me speak of what had been going on, ignoring my pleading stares. I totally doubt if the lawyer understood what I had told her because I didn’t understand myself. She left after telling mom that she would send file for a court order so my aunt would be sued in court and she would start on her own personal investigation. She also urged my mother to try get her hands on the video that she gave to the police unit as evidence as it would be of help to us. I watched as she left, my mother escorting her outside. I went up to my room I suddenly lost my appetite and I wasn’t ready to face my mother. I soon fell asleep.

We were in

the car, mum was driving while my head was laid against the wound up window as

I watched the passing trees and houses that were in full speed, not able to

recognize my surrounding. How could I it had been so long since I left the

warmth of my safe home, I couldn’t even remember the year I last stepped out of

my front door. I knew it was one of those days after dada left. If dad was

around, I was sure to go out often he understood that I had to know my

surroundings, that I had to learn to feel safe outside of my home. I had to be

able to adapt to other people around me. he made me fond of him, he was the

only one who understood me and who I could say very well that I trusted. But he

left, the sadness in the family increased it became clear that he was the one

binding mother and me together, he was

the one who held the family together, the one cheered everyone up. He was the

one who made us see the reason to live, who showed us the importance of life he

thought me how to live. He gave me reasons for that and then I couldn’t even

remember the reasons at all. My mother pulled in front of this compound and the

gates were opened for us to get in. I came down from the car without saying a

word as my mother went to find a parking spot for the only we had now. I stood

in the corner of the compound and took my time to study my environment. There

were two buildings one at each side of

the compound. They were both bungalows and they were painted yellow with

stripes of red, blue and green at the top just below the roof. Then there was

this one building, it caught your eye immediately you got into the compound. It

caught your eyes not because it was magnificent or elegant but simply because

it was different. It was a one storey incomplete building and it stood right in

the middle of the compound. I felt a pull on my hand and I looked up to see my

mother dragging me towards the building slowly. When we got closer to building,

I could finally see what the board at the top said “NIGERIA POLICE FORCE” No

wonder the colors of the gate and building looked so familiar. We entered the

building and it was noisy, extremely noisy. I never dealt with noise well, it

made me uncomfortable. This building reminded me of school. The annoying

yelling, banging of tables falling of desks hitting of the board drumming

crying and so on. I couldn’t stand any

of this. I could hear screams from deep inside the building, they were screams

of torture, of pain. They sounded like how I would if I could scream. Then

there was the clanging probably from banging of iron with iron. We got up to a

counter and mom began talking to the men in black behind the counter. “We are

here to report a case of r**e and assault sir and we have proof” mother said

hurriedly not really directing it to anyone. “Madam olo-oyinbo cool down first,

we no dey run start from beginning “ one of the men said, his voice sounding

slur and alcohol ricked from his breath. I began to shake, and my head began

twitching, I clasped my hands together and they were really sweaty. I looked up

to see the attention of most people in the room were now on me, a look of

disgust written on their faces. A woman dragged her daughter to her side, away

from the weird and strange man in front of them I began seeing everything in a

daze.”Wetin dey do this one now aunty English u no tell us say na mad man u

bring come here. If you no carry am comot from here we go arrest una two” the

same slurry voice said and only his words were what I needed to start

hyperventilating. His words and their looks reminded me of the fact that I

wasn’t wanted, I was a mere waste of space. I wasn’t needed, I didn’t fit I

never fitted in. I was just so different and strange that nobody could tolerate

or understand. I didn’t realize that we had gotten to the car or that I had

stopped hyperventilating I didn’t even notice the angry woman boring holes in

my head with her death glares. I contemplated within myself whether to look at

her and I decided not to I didn’t want to lose control again. “What is wrong

with you?” she finally yells at me making me flinch in fear. “Why did you have

to make them believe you are mad?” Oh so she thought I was mad, that was what

she thought, she believed I was mad, that I was insane, that I was crazy. She

was just like everyone else, why did I think that because she was my mother,

she would be any different I was so stupid, just like everyone else she thought

I wasn’t normal. I knew I wasn’t normal but I didn’t ask for it and I didn’t

want tom be treated any different. I didn’t like that I was treated like a very

dangerous virus that should be separated from the world. I didn’t like that,

yet I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop the stares from the judging eyes of

everyone who saw me. I couldn’t get the disgust away from their faces I

couldn’t do anything to change what was happening. “Don’t you dare block me

out” she said breaking my line of thoughts. I was too scared to look up so I

just stared down, why was she so angry, one minute she was nice and the next

she was angry. She should at least know that I didn’t act like that on purpose.

She used her hand to flip my head so that I would look at her. I made the

mistake of looking at her and all I saw was disgust and hatred. I began shaking

my head furiously and involuntarily, I didn’t like the feeling I was getting

inside of me. Why did she have to prove me right? Why did she have to prove

aunt right? Nobody loved me not even her. I started banging my fist on the

window, weakly but firmly. I wanted to get out, I wanted to be free, I felt the

space begin to close up, I began feeling the sweaty dripping from my body, the

car was becoming too small I started feeling claustrophobic, all I wanted was

to be free. She suddenly hugged me from behind to keep me calm but I began

shaking, my body didn’t like her touching it, I didn’t like her touching me

especially not in that way. Hugging me in that way only brought back bad

memories, old painful and agonizing ones. Ahhh!!! I let out a loud scream, it

was ear piercing and it held every single emotions and feelings I felt. From

fear, to pain, to sadness, to worry, to disgust, to sorrow, to anger, to hatred

every single emotions. But happiness wasn’t there, the joy I had felt the

previous day wasn’t there, the joy was gone and long lost. She let go of me,

maybe because of fear or surprise or because she understood the message I was

trying to get across to her but I doubt that. She began driving back home, away

from the police station. I only sat there in a tensed position staring into the

distance ahead of me, everything was now in a blur, I laid my head on the head

rest with a thud, my brain couldn’t take any of this any longer, my eyes began

closing up slowly, I felt someone tug my hand roughly but I was too weak and

tired to fight back or even flinch from the touch. The last voice I heard was

momma’s voice coated in panic “Tobi please open up your eyes.

*******

******* ******* ******* *******

I opened my

eyes wide and quickly recognized my surrounding I was in my room, in the house

I dreaded so much. I turned around, shoving my thoughts aside as I felt the

urge to pee. As I turned, I felt something unusually smooth under my bare skin.

I looked down to see a white sheet of paper with something written on it. I

picked it up and read it without any difficulty, being learned had its perks.

‘Tobi I had to go back to the police station

to give my statement and submit the video and since you were still passed out,

I decided to leave you

Love

Mum’

So much for love and care I thought to myself, you loved me

and you still decided to leave me when I was unconscious. I knew that one way

or another I was still had to go to the police station, at least to give my own

statement, I mean the victim’s statement was always more important than any

other person’s. it didn’t take long for mother to come back, and take me back

there. She didn’t understand that I had gone through a lot for one day and that

I deeply needed rest no she just wanted get everything over with. The scene at

the police station was the same, only this time they managed to get my

statement. Apart from that, it was the same, the rude men behind the counter,

the judging eyes, my embarrassed mother, everything was the same. We got home

early, but I wasn’t ready for mother’s words so I hurried to my room and went

to sleep, remembering that we were to go see the lawyer the next day.

I was woken up by momma in the morning,

I really didn’t want to get up I was tired, I needed rest but she wasn’t

getting any of it. She woke me up at about 6 am ruining my beauty sleep. And

what was her excuse? “The law firm is really far we have to get there I already

booked an appointment so we must catch up with it.” I wanted to ask her why she couldn’t go

herself but I wasn’t ready to start up a conversation. I wasn’t going to lie, I

was terrified, I didn’t want to know how the lawyer would react when he found

out that his next case was that of a crazy person, I wasn’t ready to behold the

look on his or her face. I reluctantly got dressed and headed downstairs and I

could hear voices coming from downstairs, I wondered who it was momma never had

any visitors. No one ever came home apart from a few family members, no friends

no nothing. I walked down the stairs slowly, not really curious or anxious to

know the person or people sitting in my living room, I just prayed whoever was

there left before I got down there but I knew that would be impossible. I

didn’t want to go down but there was a war going on in my stomach and I had to

stop it. After walking down a few steps I quickly decipher the voice as that of

a female and I turn back the few steps I had climbed. I wasn’t ready to face

anyone, I wasn’t ready to face any lady, I wasn’t ready to have a break down

and I wasn’t going to have one. I

quickly scurried up the stairs, into my room and waited for fate to take place

as I really hoped that I wouldn’t have to do what I didn’t want to. I laid on

my bed and stared up to the ceiling as I drifted far into my thoughts. I

thought of many things I thought of dada I thought of momma, I thought of Aunt

Shelby I thought of everything. About thirty minutes later, mother comes into

the room and sees me laying on the bed she looked really angry. “I came about

two hours ago, telling you to get ready and instead of coming downstairs, you

decide to go back to sleep” she said calmly trying to hide the anger in her

voice. “Come downstairs now I have something for you” she said whilst going

outside my room. What did she have for me? Did it have anything to do with the

unknown lady? Were we still going to the lawyer? What was her plan? All these

questions came to my head in a wave of thoughts, making my head to pound and

ache. I decided to stop the line of thoughts but as usual it was really hard

and impossible so I stopped because I knew that if I had tried any harder, it

would only have increased the head ache. I stalked my way downstairs, reluctant

to go, I had a feeling that the lady was still there and I wasn’t ready to face

a female stranger. As I got closer, my suspicions were confirmed by the

unfamiliar still lingering perfume scent that attacked my nose. I could already

hear them talking loud and clear, and even if they hadn’t noticed me, I didn’t

want to eavesdrop. Over the years with aunt, I had learnt to not let my curiosity

get the best of me. I always stayed within my limits not peering into her business

or anybody’s business. I was brought back to reality when mother called my name

“Tobi” she started “This is the reason why I called you downstairs” I cringed

at her obvious tautology, even I knew that was a wrong statement. “This lady is

our lawyer and she would help us get justice from the court. I knew that you

would have been very uncomfortable with the eyes staring at you and you

wouldn’t like the attention that you got from strangers so I just decided on

bringing her over.” I looked at my shoes, knowing very well that she just lied

through her teeth. I saw a hand come in front of me waiting for a hand shake as

I heard a raspy voice say ‘hi’ I ignored both gestures. As my lawyer, she was

meant to know everything about me and shouldn’t expect me to say high or make

physical contact with a stranger; I hardly even did that to my mum she didn’t

have to expect anything different. After realizing I wasn’t going to reply the

gesture, the hand retreated. “Tobi why don’t you say high to Miss Amanda?”

“Don’t worry if he isn’t comfortable with the gesture I understand” It felt

like they were talking to a child but that didn’t bother me. what bothered me

was the height at which my mother’s selfishness had grown and the way in which

it grew. She lied to me trying to cover up her selfish intentions but I knew

very well that she was just putting up a show she reminded me of aunt Shelby

right now. I knew she didn’t bring the lawyer here because of the how people’s

reaction would affect me but how it would affect her. She didn’t want to be

disgraced, she didn’t want to be known as the lady with a crazy son so she took

the easy way out. And then out of all lawyers, she decided to bring a female

lawyer and then she wants me to communicate freely with her. “Have your seat

please” she said to me. I really didn’t want to do that, I was not comfortable

around her and I was hungry. “Tobi” she started, “I’m really sorry for all what

you had to go through” she said I gave her my best glare, I wasn’t pathetic, I

didn’t need pity. Why did she have to act so sympathetic even though she

wasn’t? I’m sure she was into this not for the justice but for the money. She

didn’t seem to notice the disgust and anger that came with my glare as she

continued. “I would just like you to try to recount whatever has been happening

between you and your aunty and for how long.” She said that as if it was a

mutual understanding between me and aunt, as if we agreed on doing something

together, as if we both were accomplice who had committed a crime and I was the

only one who got caught. I looked down not ready to answer but mother didn’t

seem to understand “Tobi she is asking you a question why don’t you answer her”

I looked up to the so called lawyer who clearly didn’t know the meaning of

feelings. She already had her notepad and pen out, ready to write down whatever

I said. She caught me staring and before I could look down, gave me a weak

smile as if telling me to answer her or else she would be left embarrassed. How

did they expect me to recount those horrible moments didn’t they put my needs

in front of theirs for once why did they have to be so heartless they wanted me

to remember the hate, the pain, the fear, the anger, the scars, the grips, the

videos but I didn’t want to. Before I knew it, was already having flashes of

those hurtful time and I began rocking myself back and forth. I didn’t know how

my legs ended on the couch and how my knees were pressed up to my chest, all I

knew was that I was rocking myself like a deranged child while my ears picked

up random words that fell out the mouths of the lawyer and momma. After I

calmed down, mum still made me speak of what had been going on, ignoring my

pleading stares. I totally doubt if the lawyer understood what I had told her

because I didn’t understand myself. She left after telling mom that she would

send file for a court order so my aunt would be sued in court and she would

start on her own personal investigation. She also urged my mother to try get

her hands on the video that she gave to the police unit as evidence as it would

be of help to us. I watched as she left, my mother escorting her outside. I

went up to my room I suddenly lost my appetite and I wasn’t ready to face my

mother. I soon fell asleep.