THE DESIGNER'S PRESCRIPTION

Marami ang new designs ngayon, Sir." Rinig ko ang boses ng staff ko habang inaayos niya ang mga tela sa rack. Tumingin lang ako sa kanya at tumango nang bahagya bilang tugon. Pagkatapos ng sampung mahabang taon, heto na ako at nakatayo na rin sa sarili kong business. I worked so hard for this. I am a designer, a model, and a coffee shop owner all at the same time. I am scared of love. Takot ako sa lahat ng bagay na may kinalaman sa pag-ibig. It is not because I am numb or I can't feel anything. Actually, it is the exact opposite. Natatakot ako dahil alam ko kung gaano katindi ang kaya kong maramdaman. I remember how many times I got hurt before. Ilang beses akong nagmakaawa sa mga taong hindi naman ako pinahalagahan. I chased people who were already running away from me. At sa huli, palagi lang akong naiiwang mag-isa sa ere. My heart is like a glass that has been glued back together too many times. Konting pilit na lang, baka tuluyan na itong madurog at hindi na muling mabuo. Kaya naman pinili ko na lang maging abala sa trabaho. I drowned myself in work and sketches. Mas madaling intindihin ang business kaysa sa nararamdaman ng tao. "Are you okay, Sir?" Napansin yata ng staff ko na natulala na ako sa hawak kong sketchpad. I forced a small smile and fixed my coat. Ayaw ko kasing makita nila na mahina ako. Sa mundong ito, kailangan mong maging matatag para hindi ka apapakan ng iba. But deep down, I am still that person waiting for someone to stay. Someone who won't make me feel like I am hard to love. Pero hanggang kailan ako magtatago sa likod ng tagumpay ko? Hanggang kailan ko pipigilan ang sarili ko na sumubok muli? I closed my eyes for a second. The pain of the past is still haunting me like a ghost. Ayaw ko nang bumalik sa dati. I don't want to be that desperate person again. Minsan, mas okay na ang ganito. I have my career and my dreams. Dahil ang magmahal ulit ay parang pagpapakamatay nang dilat ang mga mata. And I am not sure if I am brave enough to die for love one more time. Iniutos ko sa aking staff ang mga dapat nilang gawin para sa araw na ito. I need to make sure everything is on track. "Ginawa niyo na ba yung mga fashion gown? We need it next week at kailangan nang ma-polish ngayon," sambit ko sa kanila habang seryosong nakatingin sa mga sketches. Mahirap na kasi pag na-delay ang production namin. My clients expect nothing but perfection and I cannot afford any mistakes. I stepped into my private office and leaned against the door. "Fresh ka ngayon ah," biro ni Xynon sa akin. Isa siya sa mga manager ko na halos kasabay ko nang tumanda sa industriyang ito. Tiningnan ko lang siya nang bahagya habang inaayos ko ang kwelyo ng suot kong polo shirt. I need to maintain my appearance at all times. "Of course," maikli kong sagot. I smiled a bit just to acknowledge his joke. Kahit madalas kaming magbiruan, alam niya kung kailan ako dapat seryosohin. I am a professional and I don't let my personal mood affect how I look in front of my employees. "May lakad ka ba after this? You look like you're heading to a gala," dagdag pa niya habang binubuklat ang ilang folders sa desk niya. I checked my watch and realized I still had a lot of things to do. Marami pa akong kailangang pirmahan na documents para sa expansion ng coffee shop. I also have a fitting scheduled for later this afternoon. "I just want to look good for myself, Xynon. Hindi naman kailangang may pupuntahan para mag-ayos," tugon ko sa kanya. He just laughed and nodded. Sanay na siya sa pagiging perfectionist ko pagdating sa image ko. In this business, your face and your style are your best business cards. "Sabagay, Sir. Ikaw pa ba? The famous designer and model should always look top-tier," pang-aasar pa niya bago siya tuluyang bumalik sa trabaho niya. I walked towards the window and looked at the city view. Nang matapos ang lahat ng trabaho ko sa loob ng isang linggo ay nakapagpahinga naman ako kahit papaano. It was a long and exhausting week for me. Literal na puyat at pagod ang ibinuhos ko para lang matapos ang mga designs at masiguradong walang magiging problema sa boutique. "Wala kang appointment ngayon?" tanong ni Xynon habang nag-aayos siya ng mga papeles sa desk niya. "Wala naman. Ano beh, coffee?" tanong ko sa kanya. I just want to relax even for a short while. Masyadong naging mabilis ang takbo ng mga araw ko nitong nakaraan at kailangan ko ring huminga. Isa pa, kailangan ko ring bisitahin ang sarili kong coffee shop para ma-check ang operations doon. "Ay wow, sige! Hindi naman ako tumatanggi sa grasya lalo na pag libre," sagot niya na tila nagliwanag ang mukha. Napailing na lang ako sa naging reaksyon niya. He never changes. Kapag usapang libre, siya talaga ang mauuna sa pila. I grabbed my car keys and signaled him to follow me out of the office. "Let's go. My treat, so you better choose the best one on the menu," sabi ko habang naglalakad kami patungo sa parking lot. I need this kind of interaction sometimes. Kahit papaano ay nawawala ang bigat na nararamdaman ko kapag kasama ko ang mga taong matagal ko nang pinagkakatiwalaan. Xynon has been there through my ups and downs, especially during the times when I was still struggling to build this empire. "Seryoso ba 'to? Baka mamaya bawiin mo bigla ah," biro pa niya habang binubuksan ang pinto ng sasakyan. "Just get in the car, Xynon. Bago pa magbago ang isip ko," natatawa kong sagot. Binungad ako ng mga staff ko pagpasok pa lang namin sa shop. I can see that they are doing good and managing the place well. Malinis ang bawat sulok at maaliwalas ang paligid, sapat na para gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. "Good morning po, Sir! Oh, take a seat po. Ano pong coffee?" tanong ng isa sa mga baristas ko habang nakangiti nang malapad. Dumeretso kami sa paborito kong pwesto sa gilid, malayo sa ingay ng pintuan. I checked my phone for a second before looking up at her. "Matcha sa akin. Ikaw, Xynon?" baling ko sa kasama ko. "Yung best seller niyo," sagot niya habang inilalapag ang bag niya sa upuan. "Strawberry," mabilis na sagot ng babae habang isinusulat ang order namin. Tumango lang ako at hinayaan silang ihanda ang inumin namin. I appreciate how my employees handle the shop even when I am not around to supervise them. Ramdam ko ang dedikasyon nila sa trabaho, at isa iyon sa mga bagay na ipinagpapasalamat ko. "Grabe, sikat na sikat talaga itong strawberry drink mo, beh. Kahit saan ako magpunta, ito ang hinahanap ng mga tao," komento ni Xynon habang inuunahan na akong mag-relax sa upuan. "I personally picked that recipe. It took me months to perfect the taste," sagot ko naman habang tinitingnan ang paligid ng shop. Everything seems to be in order. Ang mga customers ay tahimik na nagtatrabaho sa kani-kanilang laptops, habang ang iba naman ay seryosong nag-uusap. It is a peaceful scene that I always look forward to after a hectic week at the boutique. Maya-maya pa ay dumating na ang mga order namin. The vibrant green of my matcha and the pink hue of Xynon's drink looked perfect under the warm lights of the cafe. "Cheers to a productive week," sabi ni Xynon bago humigop sa straw niya. "Cheers," tugon ko bago dahan-dahang tinikman ang inumin ko. "It's been ten years. Wala ka pa ba talagang plano magkaroon ulit ng ka-relationship?" he asked. Napatigil ako sa paghalo ng matcha ko dahil sa tanong ni Xynon. He was looking at me with genuine concern, but it was the kind of topic I had long buried under my piles of fabric and business contracts. Tumingin ako sa labas ng bintana ng coffee shop at pinanood ang mga taong naglalakad sa kalsada. "No, wala akong plano," mabilis at seryoso kong sagot. I didn't even have to think about it. For me, ten years is not just a number. It is a decade of building a fortress that no one can easily break into. Mas gusto ko ang ganito dahil alam ko kung saan ako lulugar. "Grabe ka naman. You're at the peak of your career, you're successful, and you're still young. Sayang naman kung tatanda kang mag-isa," hirit pa niya bago sumipsip sa strawberry drink niya. I leaned back against the cushioned chair and crossed my legs. I know he means well, but he doesn't understand the weight of the fear I carry. It is easy to say 'try again' when you're not the one who was left shattered on the floor multiple times. "I am not alone, Xynon. I have my business, I have my staff, and I have you guys. That's more than enough for me," giit ko sa kanya. Relationships are unpredictable and often lead to disappointment. In business, I am the boss and I control the outcome. But in love, you are at the mercy of someone else's heart. And that is a risk I am no longer willing to take. "But don't you miss having someone to share your success with? Someone who will hold you at the end of a tiring day?" tanong niya ulit, tila hindi pa rin sumusuko. I felt a slight pang in my chest, but I quickly suppressed it. I've mastered the art of hiding my emotions even from myself. Binaba ko ang baso ko at tumingin nang diretso sa kanyang mga mata. "I'd rather have a quiet night alone than a loud heart crying over someone who might leave anyway. Ten years or twenty years, it doesn't matter. I am staying where I am safe," huling sambit ko bago iniba ang usapan. Isang buwan ang mabilis na lumipas at naging abala na naman kami dahil sa dami ng customers sa boutique. Halos wala na akong oras para maupo dahil sa sunod-sunod na orders at fittings. Pero sa gitna ng ingay at pagkakaabala ng lahat, biglang bumukas ang pinto. Isang lalaki na naka-white coat doctor uniform ang pumasok. He was wearing glasses and a sleek black watch on his wrist. Mula sa kinatatayuan ko, abot ng pang-amoy ko ang pamilyar na scent niya. It was a scent I tried so hard to forget for the past decade. Hindi ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko. I felt like my feet were glued to the floor and I couldn't even find the strength to walk away. My heart started pounding so hard against my chest. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko dahil sa sobrang gulat. "Do you have available wedding gowns?" he asked. Nagbago na ang boses niya. It sounded much deeper and more authoritative than before. I stared at him and for a moment, the world around us just stopped. "U-uhm yes Doc, m-meron po," nauutal kong sagot. I tried my best to keep my composure, but my trembling hands betrayed me. I looked at his eyes behind those glasses. He was Felix. He was my greatest love. The man who owned my heart ten years ago and the same man who became the reason why I am so terrified of love today. Seeing him here, asking for a wedding gown, felt like a sharp twist of a knife in an old wound that never really healed. "For you and for your future wife po ba, Doc? Bakit hindi niyo po kasama ang asawa niyo?" I asked. Pinilit kong gawing propesyonal ang boses ko kahit na halos gumuho na ang mundo ko sa harap niya. I tried to maintain my customer service persona even if my heart was screaming to run away.