Out of darkness

The darkness lays in me I embrace it with all my soul and to keep me stronger I started to feed it every day a little more. God knows why I did it. I needed a power to succeed in all my carefully designed plans. Power, hate and rage eats me with every single breath that I take and I don't know for how much longer I can keep with it. My soul is damaged and also my fiscal body got caught by evil force that lays within me. I have suffered for sou many years and I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of trying, maybe I lost hope already or I'm about to see the light once more again. Can you imagine what could happened to me to become like this? Well the answer is simple I was quite for sou many times, I kept in pain, blame and tears for many years that it turns to decades. For twenty years of holding it back I realize that the only thing that kept me alive for sou many years is me, myself and time. But I couldn't take all the credits, there were some people who gave me a hand when I needed it the most. My precious teacher the one who always stood by me, she was the one who encourage me to make a choice, choice that change my life forever. I still remember how she ask me to follow her to an empty classroom we sat at the table and she stroke me with words I needed to hear. She gave me chance to live and I can't forget not even for once in my life it's like she Knott her string of life inside me and that's what I need again right now. I was that kind of person who was playing a role of a good boy but deep down I wanted to be bad, bad as hell. While everyone laugh, hang out and live a moment like there is no other I was watching me become everything I said I hate and now it hurts like hell. For some reason I still can't overcome that particular period of my life, it's like I'm still emotionally in highschool sou alone and deeply inside myself, locked somewhere inside and still waiting to be released by the end of the night. But can night end in me? I still can't find a single light spot, no future ahead horison is still filled with darkness. Can you still imagine what caused all of this? Neither can I, I mean I can't anymore. Who would have thought that a boy like me will come to this? If only I can overcome these fears, fears of blame it's stresses me out. I keep wondering what is my purpose in this life I can't se clearly anything at all, everything is so blurry. The love of my life is disappeared or I just might think that. I can't see myself anymore. Can you? 2 life before darkness was shiny and filled with love and kindness, but somehow the wind from west appeared and then everything become dust. I wish that these feelings were never appeared but how I will otherwise learnt about life? I keep asking my self why did this happened to me and again there is no answer. Somehow I always felt that no one likes me cause everyone were mean to me. They kept telling me all kind of harmful stuff according to my weight, and the most of them tought that I'm into Men. There was one girl that stole my heart, with voice like an angel and the beauty I've seen deeply inside her. She kept calling me fegaout and I couldn't understand what that word means, at least now I know. Feeling that no one wants you, not even in school but also my family especially my dad who wanted more and more from me even if I was tired, tired of everything. Sometimes I wish I was dead, berried deep in ground just to be alone and away from world that kept destroying me. People always were mean to me, they were saying hurtful stuff that lead me to anexioaty and depression. I couldn't believe that I was standing still while everyone stab me with there's tongue. Only I knew how was it, only me and no one else. I always wanted to be an artist a painter and singer but right now I can only be a shadow in bitterness. I painted my world with black just to cloud my sight with shadows and darkness. I can not imagine what I did to myself but I know one thing I can't let anyone deal more damage not even me. I never look up for reasons to live, instead of that I lived every painful moment in my life. And who would have tought that I'll ended up here so far? The next thing I wish is that time pass more quickly just to realize that all years behind me could be used as a remission of my health. I figured out there is no going back. I am here and there I couldn't finish what I started over the past couple of years. There were no chance for me not a single shot. Sou me and my body decided that we will suffer in silence sou that no one can hear our screams. Shuttering in was only way to survive to build some strength after every single fight. Could it be I'm not that far for destroying me inside? I can't remember any single time that I was happy, I don't even know how positive emotion feels. I lost touch with every kind of emotional feelings, except one that's been followed with rage, and darkness. However main emotions that is landed inside me a decede can't come out. I am a person who accept it as a habit.