TRAUMA RETURNS

7 YEARS AGO: my father lay wide eyed on the ground a massive whole in his chest where his stomach should have been. Blood kept spattering out in large amounts pooling on the floor and he started choking out blood. "Im too young to die" his voice cracked looking up at me with desparation. "You dont think i was too young for everything you did to me" i bellowed. "Please dont do this" he pleaded. "Your begging well guess what i begged too i begged so f*****g much and you never stopped" i cried. "You will always deserve everything bad that comes your way. I will laugh at your suffering from above" he whispered and thise lines will torment me for as long as i live. He never failed to remind me of my value. I was nothing. Suddenly his eyes rolled backwards and he lay still and i felt happy for what i had done to him. I felt like i just accomplished something amazing and i didnt care if that made me a bad person. I would never regret that moment. Suddenly i heard loud footsteps. My mother and my sister rushed into the room and saw the bloody knife in my hand. My mother sunk to the floor her knees giving out as she wailed loudly. Rose wrapped a comftorting hand around her sobbing loudly. They looked at me like i was some sort of monster. "Your evil. I raised the devil get away from me oh you've killed my husband my husband is dead. You dont deserve to be in this family. My husband is dead" my mother panted and screamed frantically scurrying away from me. I stepped closer and my sister jumped backwards fearfully. Get away from me she yelled. "WHY ARE YOU CRYING WHY ARE YOU f*****g CRYING" i screamed grabbing lilly and throwing her to the ground as i now felt damp tears of my own falling down my cheeks. "Hes our father" she whispered. "He was never my father and you guys know what he did to me. He doesnt deserve anyone to moarn for him" i shouted. "He was a good father and what he did was out of love and care for you" my mum defended and i turned towards her lifting up my knife."He r***d me and abused me. He didnt do any of that to you or to you" i cried out kicking my fathers body again and again remembering everything he did to me ignoring my mothers loud pleads for me to stop. "He never cared for me " i bellowed. "He knew i wasnt his mum he knew and so he mistreated me and you guys let him" i shook myself as they looked down in guilt. "He deserved it" i started."He did not deserve that" my mum yelled. "He r***d and abused your daughter and you still think he was a good man" i Trembled. "You never loved me either neither of you. My mother and my sister never batted an eyelash when i was put through all of that. Im twelve mum why am i doing this" i screeched grabbing my knife and plunging it into my fathers dead body over and over again despite my familys screams. "Why" i repeated. "What did i ever do to you. I tried my best i tried so hard but you never stopped you never stopped and mum you never stopped him lilly you never stopped him. Nobody cared enough to give me happiness. Not the person who gave life to me the people who share my blood." I looked up at them through my teary blury eyes." I want to know why"i asked and they both ignored my request. Lilly burried her hands into her face and my mum kept her eyes on my fathers body. "I WANT TO KNOW WHY" I bellowed. "I dont know" my mum softly muttered. "of course you don't" i chuckled miserablyput of besbelief. "Im sorry" lilly mumbled. "YOUR f*****g SORRY I JUST KILLED SOMEONE LILLY DO YOU THINK AN APOLOGY WILL SOLVE ANYTHING" i shouted. My mum still had her gaze sadly on her husbands body. "Why do you still care". I swept tears off my cheek looking at my mum. "He did all this to me. He made me like this and you still care." My mum slowly looked at me. "He did nothing and I love him i always will" she whispered and i grabbed the table next to me and threw it across the room with rage. "You love a r****t and a abuser " i yelled in disbelief. "What should i love you a murderer" she snapped and i felt my heart tear apart. If was confirmation that she might have cared about me but it was never enough. "I wasnt always a murderer and i didnt always want to kill that man" i whispered my eyes pooling up with tears again. "You know when i was five years old the first time it happened when he ripped off my clothes and when i refused he punched me i was confused i was scared and i was worried and i looked to you for help. I looked to my mother because she was who gave birth to me. I looked to her for comfort. I needed someone but no one was ever there because you did nothing. You heard my screams and cries for my mummy and you did s**t. You dont deserve the title mum because i will never forgive you for doing nothing. Never. You have no idea how hard it was. You have no f*****g idea. I felt alone broken and vunrable my entire childhood and i had no idea what to do. I didnt know what to do all i knew was i wanted it to stop. You did this mum you made me like this because you didnt do anything you didnt help me and you can look at me with shame and digust for your whole life but you created this. You made me. In some way im glad you cared about him because it puts you through a fraction of what you put me through. You know i kept a book and i added a small cross everytime it happened. After a year the book the was finished. Completely done because of you." "Stop blaming me for what you have done my mother cried looking guilty. "Thats the thing despite denying it you know it was your fault. You weren't even ignorant. You knew everything you were doing and it makes it so much worse. I have no one my voice cracked." "My mum and my older sister are meant to protect and shield me. Your meant to give me unconditional love and thats something ive never experienced before. Why didnt you do everything you should have it was your duty mum it was your duty lilly. You dont even know" i yelled. "Do you regret what you did" lilly spoke quietly. "I will never regret killing that man. Seeing the light fade from his eyes was amazing to me. I will treasure that moment my entire life" i laughed making my mother gasp and cry again at the reminder of her dead husband. "I hope you feel that pain for years i hope you feel so alone that you want to kill yourself so bad for so long until you eventually do. So i wouldnt have to do it myself i yelled knowing i was bluffing. "She wouldnt do that" lilly resurred my mother. "What so now you know me so well okay lets make forever vows lets forget about everything. No so shut the f**k up lilly. Dont act like you know me so well but dont worry i know you well. I know that your a crap older sister that will let your sister being r***d and abused and do s**t about it. Any time in your life you could have thought oh i should do something i need to stop this. You could have called nine nine nine at any time and prevented all of this. I didnt want to do this lilly do you think i like this. I will carry the title murderer my entire life. I will always be the traumatised one who was driven crazy by that man and ill always be hated. Ill always have no one" i screemed. "I understand but dont take it out on lilly " my mum started. "You undertand?" I asked wide eyed with disbelief. "No you dont f*****g understand what do you understand mum. Nothing. You were not r***d. You were not abused. You were not loved by no one. Your loved ones did not betray you. You werent suicidal. You were something in life and you were happy dont you dare act as if you didnt have an amazing life" i yelled. "Stop mentioning it i tried hard to make him stop" my mum raised her voice acting inoccent. "You tried? So your fine with every shitty thing that happened to me because you simply tried? Well you didn't f*****g try hard enough because it still happened. It happened so many times. Too many times and your saying you tried. Your efforts dont matter because in the end it still all happened. What the f**k is wrong with you. Your trying to find exuses for what you did. You let it happen accept it. Why are you playing the victim? I ran my bloody hands through my hair. "And you know what the worst thing is ? The fact that im crying and i care about you all so much because i know you all couldnt give two shits about me" i said before i got cut off by lilly. "Thats not true i care" she claimed. "Then why didnt you do anything" i asked setting my bloodshot watery eyes on her. She remained silent. "See" i laughed "mabye in another world i wish i would have an amazing family and an amazing partner but i never did. I was never that lucky and thats why im jealous of you lilly. You have the life i always wanted. You have loving parents and an amazing boyfriend. Everyone loves you immedietly you've always been liked and popular everywhere you go for me its different at school at home ive always been nothing" i stuttered holding back yet another set of tears. Lilly furrowed her eyebrows looking at me with pity and sadness. She was about to open her mouth when i raised my hand to beckon her to stop. "No i dont want to hear your pity or your useless apologies. Too many days were spent quiet so now its too late. Its too f*****g late lilly. Its too late mum. Theres nothing you can do anymore" i whispered. "You call me evil but you will always be the real criminal here" i hissed.