One Big Happy Family

“I don’t love you anymore. In fact I’ve never loved you i just felt like I had to. And now I can’t stand to look at you, you’ve gained so much weight you look completely different and even worse, I can’t help but see her in you. That woman who hurt us so bad and tore us apart and stabbed me in the back. I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Wincing at the pain of the memory of his words. She slides the blade across her thigh again, as she does every night once the children are asleep. Laying the blood soaked metal down she lays back in the tub sipping from the bottle of wine as her body becomes numb again and her brain focuses on the burning in her thigh. As every night for as long as she can remember she thinks back to that night at 15. How she should have just taken the damn pills. Then she wouldn’t have to see the pain in his eyes. Their eyes. All of them. The deep emerald eyes, the honey topaz eyes, even the mixed match hazy diamond and amethyst eyes. The resentment and disgust. Regret of ever even meeting her. The children, thats the only reason them and the pity. Those are the only reasons they stay. The only reason she still gets to see them. Levi, Hunter, and Alexander, the ones who hold her heart in their palms. But she knew she didn’t hold theirs, never did, never would. So what is the point in living? Picking up the blade again she raises it to her throat. How easy it would be to finish what she started at 17. All the pain of the years would flow away. Down the drain with the rest of her bath. Just as shes about to press there is a small knock. That tiny knock is what saved her then and it saved her now. “Mommy, I don’t feel good.” Her youngest Mason says whimpering on the other side of the door. Putting the blade down she lets the bloody water drain while climbing out. She quickly wraps a fresh bandage on her wounds and puts yoga pants and a tank top on. Satisfied that all evidence of what she has done is gone she opens the door, and scoops up her toddler. “Whats wrong honey? Wheres your daddy?” She feels his warm forehead while heading to the kitchen looking around to see where everyone was. “He’s with Cat lady talking outside and papa is sleep with momma Jen, daddy Levi said come find you.” 4 year old Mason stated matter of factly. Beaming with pride he pats his mom’s cheek making her smile at him. The toddler not being able to tell though that the edge of her smile falters slightly as all the pain comes flooding back. “Well lets get you fixed up so you can get back to bed.” She rest the kid on the countertop and goes about taking his temperature seeing it being 101, then doses out the medicine to take with some juice. “There baby you will feel better soon.” Picking him up again she stands in the middle of the house looking around again. Such a big house with so many people yet there she was feeling so alone. “Good night my loves.” She says loud enough but not to loud but as every night doesn’t really get an answer. Letting her shoulders slump in defeat, she heads off to the bedroom she shared with Mason. She tucks him in to his mountain of pillows on his side of the queen size bed before settling down. As every night she listens to the small snores before letting the tears fall, the so s shaking her softly as she falls in to darkness.