Dream Journal

I look around. I have been been transported into my grandmothers house. The tidy and usual surrounding, which should be comforting and familiar, have shifted the home is dark with an ominous hallway leading back into the bedrooms. I sit in the living room, at the center of the house. I open the back door and step out onto the patio. My two sisters are there along with my grandparents. I walk out to say hello and spot a rattlesnake curled up on the patio. For some reason I reach my hand down, I guess to block the snake from lunging at me. The snake immediately slivers up my arm and coils itself around my wrist. I feel my whole body tense up. Every starts shouting at me- “Relax! If you relax it won’t hurt you!” The words RED DIAMOND BACK RATTLESNAKE scream in my mind. I look at the scales in the shapes of diamonds on its body. I’m frozen in fear. The snake looks at me and opens in mouth, bearing its venomous teeth at me. I prepare for it to strike me. But it doesn’t. I clamp my eyes such and let out a breath. I lower my hand down and the snake slivers off and turns back to look at me, content with the fear it’s sent through my body and mind. I wake up. Anxiety races through my mind. Another strange dream. The red theme seems to continue. I grab my leather journal from the bedside table and jot down all the details I can remember. Diamond back rattlesnake. Red. Fangs. Venom. Family. Old. Young. Scared. Tense. Red make me think anger, rage. A snake represents some one who is sneaky or sly. Is someone trying to trick me? Or am I just paranoid about being tricked? The snake didn’t actually bite me, it just threatened to and when I relaxed it left me alone. It did seem satisfied with my fear, my anxiety. Someone wants me to be afraid. Too afraid to move. Too afraid to breathe. They won’t do anything but they’ll make me think they will. They’ll make me positive they’re going to hurt me, but they won’t. Then they’ll laugh at me and sit back and watch me squirm as I try to decipher what just happened. What about my family? They were all shouting at me, wanting to help but all they did was make my anxiety increase. My fear spilled out of me. They watch me struggle and try to tell me what to do without actually doing anything helpful. Their best insterest don’t matter when they only make the fear worse. They watch from the sidelines as I get stuck deeper into a trap that threatens to go off and kill me at any second. But what could they really do? If they move towards the snake it will bite me or them. Any sudden movement could mean death. Would the death be bad? An end to something causing me so much dread? Or an end to me? Could it be the death needs to happen? The fear can then be released and that relief will wash over everyone in waves of sadness and joy that the anxiety is over. The relief, like an ocean. Waves wash over, some enormous and some just a gentle splash. The water cool and calming but the salt and the wind burning. A chance to relax. But the water then fills your lungs and you drown in your grief. The salt burning in your nose and throat, making your tears dissolve into the water around you. No one sees it happening. They piddle around in their own heads and worlds contemplating their our issues and relationships and jobs. They don’t see how much you need someone to toss out a life raft and pull you in. Hit you on the back and make the water shoot out your mouth. Breath life back into you so you can keep on doing whatever it is you’re doing with your life. No, they don’t see. They imagine you swimming across the ocean yourself,. Three creatures tied to you, all swimming in different directions. Tugging them along helps a little but they slow you down. Sometimes the days are calm, the sun shines and warms your face, you all float for a while and drift together. Your hands intertwine and you talk about the clouds in shapes of whatever we’re craving to eat. A warm breeze warming our faces. Other days I can barely stay afloat. The waves crash over my head and I gasp for air only to inhale a spray of salt water. We get tangled in a mass of floating seaweed. I have to thrash through it, all while trying to untangle my three companions who are frightened and looking to me to save them. I’m not sure I can save myself. My three fishy friends may be better with someone else. Someone with a nice boat, docked in a glittering bay. They can swim around the clear water and play all day, without worrying about our journey to finding a safe home, across the thousands of miles of ocean and the storms and the seaweed. I think of the beaming sun, the slaying water, the warm air, the lush, green land I long for. A bed in a garden full of the most vibrant leaves you’ve ever seen. Big canopies of leaves and vines all around. Golden light shines through and warms my skin. I curl up into a nest of foliage and drift to a dream. My children now looking more like children, than sea creatures I don’t know. Skin bronze from the light, soft and supple from the salt water and sand. Touching their soft little heads brings me peace. The dark brown curls, now lightened by the sun while forever be my favorite feeling. Squishy cheeks and button noses. Beautiful blue eyes that remind me of the ocean we traveled so far in. Pink little lips that plant sweet kisses on my cheek. And those cute little chins with a dimple right above them. Yes, I think these are worth staying for. I can push on and look forward to the abundant forest that awaits us. With our great green bed and our meadows to frolic in. Our endless gardens to pick through and caves and mountains to discover. We will reach it. It will be worth it. We will look back on that great big ocean and remember. Happiness will engulf us and we will snuggle up and watch the stars and drift to sleep.