Steel Hearts

Chapter 4

Chapter 4 - Nightmares That Haunt

       I was so excited as I heard the phone rang. I scurried to the living room, not minding if I may stumble or break a leg on the day of my birthday. 

"Hello, Tay?" I excitedly answered. "Makakauwi ka po ba?"

      There was no answer. For a minute there was silence before everything broke into chaos.

      Then I heard people shouting. A lot of curses followed noisy yells. Afterwards, there were explosions and countless exchange of what seems to me, are bullets.

      My heart raced.

"T-tay?" I nervously called for him.

       There was no response at all but I knew it was not a misdialed call, so I did not end it. I kept waiting for him to speak up even if I was already on the verge of crying. My knees are shaking and my body trembles.

"Ril." Tatay's weak voice brought my hopes up.

     My eyes widened.

"Tay!" I exclaimed. "Tay, asan ka? Ayos ka lang po ba? Ano po yung maingay na naririnig ko? Baril po ba yun, tay? Nasa misyon ka po ba?"

        I had lots of questions and I spoke so fast I was not even sure if he caught up even a bit of what I said.

"Happy birthday, Ril." He said, his voice shaking. I heard his sobs. "Please... please always stay strong, anak. Keep defending what we protect, my brave, brave, girl. Remember... Tatay loves you."

      My tears fell. It was a very short greeting but it was the greatest birthday message I received.

"I l-love you too, Tatay."

       Then there were consecutive gunshots that shook my eardrum. I almost dropped the phone in shock. I was so sure it was taken at a very close proximity for it hurt my ears badly. It’s as if I was the one being shot. But what hurt it even more were the words of a stranger at the background with a thick and weird native accent.

"Patay na to!" Followed by a devilish laugh. "Tara, pugutin natin ulo!"

"NO!" Sigaw ko.

        Napabalikwas ako sa kama. Pawis na pawis at hinahabol ang sariling hininga.

"No, p-please. N-no." I sobbed.

        Hingal na hingal akong bumangon at umupo sa gilid, umiiyak. Ipiniid ko paalis sa aking mukha ang aking magulong buhok. Tinignan ko ang relo sa pader na nasisilawan ng ilaw sa labas.

         0200 H.

         Ang bigat bigat ng dibdib ko sa bawat pagpatak ng luha. Para akong sinasakal ng alaala nya. Ilang taon na ang lumipas pero sariwa pa rin ang lahat sa utak ko. Tandang tanda ko pa rin kung paano umuwi ang bangkay ni Tatay na pugot ang ulo gaya ng narinig ko. Isa itong nakahihilakbot na bangungot na patuloy akong hinahabol makalipas man ang ilang taon.

         Hinilamos ko ang aking mga palad sa aking basang basang mukha.

         Hindi na ako matutulog pa.

         Ilang minuto rin akong nakatulala at umiiyak bago ako mahimasmasan.

        Bumangon na ako. Naligo. Nagpalit ng damit at saka dumiretso palabas. Nadaanan ko ang barracks ng mga robot at nakita kong nakaawang ang pintuan. Tinignan ko iyon nang ilang segundo bago lapitan. Baka hindi naisarado ng maayos kagabi. Nilapitan ko iyon saka dahan dahang isinara.

Malamig na hangin ang sumalubong paglabas ko.

       Wala pang gising sa kampo bukod sa mga rumorondang military police na sumaludo pa sa akin. Nasanay na rin sila na minsan ay wee hours ako kung lumabas at magising. Hindi na ako bumabalik sa tulog kapag naging laman sya ng panaginip ko dahil bumabalik ang karumal dumal na itsura ng bangkay ni Tatay sa akin. Bumabalik ang sakit. Bumabalik ang pagsisisi ko.

       Niratsada ko ang daanan ng kampo. Kinakaripas ko ang pagtakbo na para bang katapusan na ng mundo. Nakikipagkumpitensya ako sa hingal at pagod ng aking mga binti. I love how running makes me feel invincible. But I hate my mind for reminding me of my past.

       Kung sana ay sinabi ko agad kay Nanay ang naririnig ko, baka nakatawag pa sya sa kampo at natulungan pa si Tatay. Pero wala akong ginawa kundi ngumalngal. Naging mahina ako. Naging ngatal ang buong katawan at tinig ko dahil sa takot sa narinig ko. I was a silent witness to his brutal murder. And that murder, haunts me up to this day.

          I stopped the running to a halt. 5 kilometers in 15 minutes. Not that damn bad, Ril.

         I performed a set of stretches and a series of strength exercises before proceeding to my ritual.

      100 push ups, 100 sit ups, 100 squat thrusts and then 100 jumping jacks --- the secret to my four pack abs and lean body. I want to divert my attention with busying myself, but that nightmare won't leave me alone. It replayed in my mind like a broken record on repeat.

          I angrily grabbed the fist wraps from their box and enclosed my hands with them.

         Gigil kong sinunod sunod ng suntok at sipa ang punching bag sa harapan ko. Kalansing ng kadenang nagbibitbit dito ang tanging tunog na nasa gym. Sumasakit ang mga binti at kamao ko sa bawat pagtama ng malakas kong pag-atake pero hindi ko ito ininda. Gusto kong maging manhid. Gusto kong hindi na ako masaktan sa susunod. Dahil kapag masakit, mahina pa rin ako. Dahil kapag may nararamdaman ka, talo ka pa din.

"Gigil ah?" A voice suddenly boomed from behind, interrupting my combinations.

       Napakunot ang noo ko nang lingunin ko kung sino iyon. His hair was combed back to a neat setting, emphasizing his face even more. His jaw is hardly set, and his facial features broadened. Damn the model charisma he's highlighting!

     Tinignan ko ang relo sa pader ng gym. 0300H pa lamang. 

"Bakit ang aga mo? 0400 H pa ang Reveille." Utas kong walang gana. 

"Can't sleep. Wanna grind." Matipid nyang tugon. "Ikaw? I can tell by your sweat you are here earlier."

       I glared at him.

"Mind. Your. Own. Business." I barked and he chuckled.

      Inalis ko na ang tingin ko sa kanya dahil ayokong mas lalong tumindi ang pagkasira ng umaga ko. Sa simpleng pagkakita pa lamang ng mukha nya ay napipikon na ako ng sobra.

       Ibinalik ko ang atensyon ko sa pag-bakbak ng suntok at sipa sa punching bag. Isang malakas na straight punch sana ang papapakawalan ko nang biglang may pumigil sa bag mula sa likod kaya hindi iyon tumama.

       Nagngalit ang ngipin ko sa ginawa nya kaya sinamaan ko sya ng tingin. Honestly?! Is he pissing me off intentionally?

"Ano bang problema mo?!" Asik ko. "Bakit mo ba ko pinapakialaman?!"

         He laughed at me.

"Do you talk to your superiors like that?" He asked.

"Why? Are you my superior?" I asked, annoyed.

"Technically, I am a rank higher than you." He explained.

       My mouth fell to a sarcastic laugh.

"Technically, you aren't a part of the active ranks yet. And technically, I am your superior because you are assigned under my supervision." I said through gritted teeth. "So back off with your own feet, or I'll make you."

       He did not make a step back. He even inched closer kaya ako ang napaatras. Punyeta. I was supposed to be the one threatening him!

     His hazelbrown eyes darted to my soul and pierced it. Damn, he can kill with those stares! Ayokong aminin pero nakararamdam ako ng kaba at takot sa tingin nya. Sa tinagal ng panahon, ngayon ko na lamang naramdaman ang takot mula sa isang buhay. Lagi lang kasing mga panaginip ang nagdadala ng matinding kaba sa akin.

    I don't run. I will not run. I won't chicken out. I did exactly what I was always doing when I'm afraid.

      Act brave and scare them too.

I stopped stepping back and tried to grab him by the collar but he gave me a dodge attack.

        Natawa ako sa ginawa nya kahit pa muka iyong isang kabadong tawa.

"You want another round of defeat, huh?" Insulto ko, ngatal ang labi sa kaba.

"No. I don't hit girls without orders." He replied darkly.

"Well, you have one now." I said. s**t! My damn legs are shaking in fear. I faked out a smile. "Fight me, Captain. And that's an order."

   I am mentally cursing as he approached me with his dark stare. I raised my fists in the air. He can't get near me anymore. I won't let him. Not with his deadly gaze.  I launched a jab and hook but he was quick to catch both of my fists and lock them on his palms with no effort. What the f**k am I even doing?

       Damn! Even my freaking fists are shaking!

 His grip tightened at them before he pulled me in.

      Sa lakas ng hila nya ay tumama ako sa katawan nya. Before I knew it, I was enveloped by his arms into a hug.

      What the...

     I tried pushing him away but he was strong to keep me in place. Walang point na pumalag. He got me cornered with his embrace. It was warm and comforting that I forgot how cold the night was. It felt like home. It felt like I was healing when he held me in.

"Pakawalan mo ko." I ordered with authority.

"Are you scared of me?" He asked, chuckling.

     Kahit tumawa sya ay mas bakas ang gulat sa tono nito. He didn't tell that to mock me but to just genuinely ask. He was shocked, I can say.

"Why would I be? Do I look like some girl who'd easily cry?" I lied.

     I will never admit it. Ever.

"I saw your legs tremble. And I can clearly feel you shaking now." He said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

       I gave him a strong nudge but he didn't even move.

"Let go, then! Pagod ako sa training ko!" I insisted. "What's the point of this.. damn hug?"

       He didn't move even an inch as I continue to unlock his embrace.

"To take the fear away." He said straight. "This is how humans do it, right?"

        My arms weakened on pushing and punching him. My shoulders dropped.

      When Tatay died, no one had been there to comfort me again. No one asked if I'm scared or sad or dying. To tell me they'd take my fear away. Everyone believed my strong facade. Everyone believed the lie I gave. No one unveiled the mask I put on. No one saw past the wall that I purposely built – a wall of lies and pretention.

      When Tatay left, I had been on my own. I was left to fight my fears alone even if Nanay and my brothers were still around. I had to be strong, because no one will be strong for me. And I learned to do that alone with no one to pick me up everytime I break. I learned to fight alone and not depend on anybody. Dahil takot akong idepende ang sarili ko sa iba, knowing that they too will leave me anytime. Takot akong maattach sa mga tao. Takot akong ipagkatiwala ang laman ng puso ko sa iba, dahil lahat naman aalis. Lahat iiwan ka. At sa dulo, ang hirap hirap pulutin ng sarili mo kapag nawala na yung taong sinasandalan mo. Ang hirap paikutin uli ng mundo kapag wala na yung kinasanayan mo. Ang hirap bumangon at hanapin yung parehong lakas ng loob, determinasyon at saya kapag nawala bigla yung kinasanayan mo.

    Alam mo kung anong matitira sayo kapag inalis yun ng mundo? Galit. Galit sa lahat, galit sa sarili mo. Kakainin ka ng matinding emosyon at pagtataka. Ang dami mong tanong. Ang dami mong gustong hanapan ng sagot pero wala kang makikita. At doon ka lalamunin ng dilim. Kakainin lahat ng natitira sayo, kahit yung katiting na pag-asang pinanghahawakan mo na magiging ayos din ang lahat. Lahat ninanakaw ng kamatayan. Lahat kinukuha ng paglisan.

      And I'm not gonna be swayed and be swooned by a false hope.

      With all my strength I gave him a strong push that broke the hug. I stared into his eyes and saw my reflection in them. I wonder how the world looked like in those orbs. Are they just as plain as it is with my eyes? Because they look so extraordinary. They look like they are made to see right through your soul. It was as if they are engineered to know the secrets of your being.

      But...

"You're not human. What do you even know about being one?" My tone spoke too much emotion in it. Like I was hell desperate for him to actually be real. Because a part of me does wish that he is.

    I gave him a hard look.

     With that said, I turned my heel and walked away. I did not look back to see his hypnotic eyes because I might just regret doing so, if I see no trace of emotion in them like I wish.

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