Happy, Truly

Well, this is hard. That was my first thought today. I've tried a lot and whenever it seems like I'm making progress something messes it up. That's the worst feeling ever. A little backstory so you can follow. I'm beginning my junior year in high school. I'm that girl that never actually fits in. Coco has been the only person that makes me feel regular- like me, like I belong somewhere. Well, maybe I should just marry him. Too bad I can't, I've sworn off romantic relationships. They always end in tears, not like I have any experience but I don't want to find out. My years in middle school were not the best. I had these girls I thought I was friends with, turns out they were only keeping me around to be able to copy off me during exams and the moment I showed resistance, they dumped me like a hot coal . That sucked a lot, I actually thought we were friends considering that I did everything for them. Anyways fast track to High School,when I thought it was almost impossible, I made friends other than Coco because Coco is science inclined while yours truly is arts inclined. He couldn't be my only friend forever, not that I mind. My first female friend was Christabel. it's funny because I didn't like Christabel in middle school at all. She just gave bad vibes. However, here I am in high school and we are very good friends. She is the it girl, she's smart, opinionated and fun. We like the same books and all. She was it. And, there was Flora, she was a lovely friend too. she wants be a Writer but her parents won't hear of any profession that's does not involve them becoming parents of lawyers. I feel bad for her because she's such a sweet girl. Then there is Ken, he's a sweet young man. Not the kind of attractive you see at first glance but if you actually look, it's there. He's cute, matches my sarcasm and has a beautiful sense of humor. I think I like him. I'm finally at a place where I feel like I belong, I'm top of my class. i actually have more than one friend and I have a boy that I "think" I like that might actually find me attractive and like me back and I have to leave all that and for what? College. Ugh! Like I said, this is hard. I happen to be a lot of things, I've always wanted to be one of the boys. I actually am because I'm cool with all the guys and we like the same things. The fact that I love football plays a great role too. Still, I'm not a Tomboy. I'm just a tall girl, deal with it. I can't play any sports to save my life I could have been a great footballer but according to my Dad, 'Women don't play football'. There is a whole lot women don't do in my household. Women don't spread their legs wide, women shouldn't be fat, women cook and do dishes and the list is endless. It's so long that most times I always feel like I don't belong even in my own household. That's a lot. All my life I've strived to be the child my parents want and the one they are proud of. It never works, something always backfires especially when I try to do something with the best intentions no one ever sees the thought behind it and they always find something wrong with my actions. It's tiring because most of the time I can't even be myself and with each passing day I have no idea who of who I am or becoming or what direction my life is taking because it doesn't feel like I own it. I'm confused on how to find myself and not go to College at least not now. My parents want me to skip Senior Year entirely and move to college since I'm smart enough for it. It's Senior Year, If I don't experience Senior Year what's the point of going to High School, have I truly lived without Senior Year. What of Prom, I've looked forward to that ever since I entered High School. I always felt like I never belonged anywhere and now that I'm beginning to settle in, I'm about to lose it all. I have to talk to Coco. I can't do this on my own. I rush to Coco's class so we can talk a little before classes start. I see him on his desk talking to Olive his classmate, I really don't like that girl. "Coco" , I call out "Jemma", He answers with enthusiasm My heart calms down. The amount of peace and calm I feel around this young man is overwhelming. He leaves Olive and meets up with me. We stroll outside. "Why is your expression like that?" He asks "Well, nothing I'm fine..." I mumble "Girl, talk to me, what's going on. I know you whenever you say I'm fine then you're most definitely not fine" He replies Of course he'd know when something is up with me "Well, my parents want me to skip Senior Year and Move straight to College, I don't want to. I can't leave you here and go alone to college" "The Jemma, Jemma, Jemma!!! My Girl!!!, If there is anyone in this school that can pull that off it's you. You really are amazing" He exclaims It's only this boy that will start hailing me in such a situation like this. "Coco, I'm serious, I don't want to go" I fuss "Why? What are you waiting for? there's nothing in Senior Year. You're getting ahead. You're making great progress. I'm proud of you" "I don't know. You won't be here" "I can't possibly be wherever you are. We'll be apart a lot in the future, that's what growing up does but that's doesn't mean I'd ever forget you or I'd love you less" "Well..." I stutter "When you get this type of opportunity don't you ever look back. Even if you're disappointed, trust me, every disappointment is a blessing okay. You'd look back to today and be glad that you chose to go, I promise" "Since you said so, I guess it must be true, Thank you, Coco, really. I don't know what I'd have done without you" "Please spare me all that, you'd do the same for me even better. You've always been a good friend to me. Cheer up okay. It's almost time for class so let's go back to classes. I'll see you later okay" "Alright, have a good day okay, Bye" I wave enthusiasticly and he waves back with the same energy"