Stories We Keep And Those We’re Trying To Forget

SUMMER The morning of March 15th was mildly hot. I woke up to birds singing in the trees and a warm sunbeam hitting my face. A gentle reminder that summer is near. I checked my phone to look at the time. It says 7:00 am. I dressed quickly and prepared because we had a rehearsal for a play in English that morning. I wore my long tee shirt and tight ripped jeans that make old people squint their eyes at you when you walk past them in the street. Today was Chico’s birthday. He’s one of my new friends in school. He invited me together with my three other friends during rehearsal and we collectively decided to go. Our call time for the party was 12:00 pm but the rehearsal wasn't going to end until 4:00 pm. Luckily, RJ, my friend, found a way we could sneak out early. At the party, the first moments with Chico’s college friends were awkward. It was me consistently not talking to everyone. I don't know but I somehow felt like I was intruding or something. Moments had passed and the alcohol started to kick in and the happy-go-lucky-selves of people started to come out. The part of their unconscious brain that they usually try to suppress in fear of offending anyone. Dirty jokes started to be the topic and I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous and funny these new people are. Jude Dillon with his perfect little face was there. I haven’t seen him in a while. The last time I was with him was when my friends and I skipped school and got hammered during the university week. The subtle innuendo of my feelings for Jude started leaking out of my friends’ mouths. Because I barely know who he is and yet I was stupidly in love with him. When the clock hit 11:00 pm, everyone was clearly drunk. And this big muscular guy named Carl asked me if I wanted to trade seats with him so I could sit beside Jude. At first, I was very uncomfortable. Until a guy’s voice said “Hi!”. I looked up to realize that it was Jude talking. He was talking to me. He sees me. I said “hello” back after a minute or two because I was in shock. Once the excitement wore out, I was able to form and exchange sentences with him. In the back of my mind I kept thinking “Here I am talking with a guy I like” and, for a 16-year-old teenager back then, a little attention was enough for me to risk it all for him. We started taking shots of vodka together and then we talked about life stuff and his funny story about the time he was rushed into the E.R for swallowing pennies so Dennis the school bully would not be able to take his lunch money. He started to put his arms around me and I don't know how or when, but we suddenly hugged each other out of nowhere. I have no idea if I asked him to hug me or if it was voluntary, but at the time it wasn’t important anymore. All I could think was “So this is what it really feels like to have someone you like give you the attention you crave.” I tried to smell his hair so I have something to remember once the alcohol wears out and it smelled like sweat and cigarette smoke, but I still found it good. We kept telling each other how we would be such good friends from this day forward. I tried not to give attention to the nagging voice in my head that kept repeating the word “friend” in Jude’s voice. I must admit at that moment I felt something remarkably magical, something that I want to keep forever. But not everything is like that. Hell, there is nothing like that. It sucks that I'm getting my hopes up even though I have zero chance with him. Still, I was thankful for that. I'm thankful to Jude for making me feel loved and seen even for a number of hours. 5 days later, came the exam week. I went to school early that day to get my exam permit with my friends. Once we got our permit, we met up with Chico’s squad (the same people from the party) and we decided to hang out at the local school bar called G-mix. Jude was with them, standing with his bag on one shoulder while smoking a cigarette. He looks like one of those cool kids in cartoons with his jet black hair and his facial expression that says “ I'm too cool for anything”. I said “Hi” to him and then he said “hi too.” Just two toneless words and yet I was screaming inside from excitement. We sat together again inside the bar. Doing stupid stuff we did last time we were together. I absentmindedly smelled his hair again, a habit I picked up whenever I am drunk and close to him. His hair still smelled the same, a mixture of sweat and cigarette smoke. I also couldn’t help but notice the moles on the back of his neck. I always tend to memorize his body in an attempt to immortalize the moments when we are together. My god, he really was beautiful. On the morning of March 24th, I was really excited about going to school to see Jude. At the cafeteria, my friend Claire told me how he saw Jude texting with this girl from his year named Demy. And for obvious reasons, that made me sad and hurt, because the last few days of the exam Jude became my motivator and an inspiration. I told my friend Pau about it and she just told me “ You know, you should start to let go of something you clearly don't have '' That honestly made me even more sad. However, I chose to ignore the accumulating feeling of sadness because that’s what I’ve been doing these past few days. Because even though I know I have absolutely no chance to be with Jude, a tiny bit of me still hopes there is. I kept reminding myself, “well, as long as I'm happy, it doesn't really matter why”. I knew that I was putting my heart and well being on the line by having high hopes. But I'm trying to delay the “end” as much as possible and just live in the “now”. Once the school bell rings for breaktime. I did my absolute best to eat hastily since we were trying to sneak out of school to meet Jude and his friends at the local uni bar where they were waiting. But Rj got mad so we decided to go back to the classroom and take the remaining exam instead. When the exam proctor gave me the exam paper, I answered every question as fast as I could. Barely caring whether I'm answering them right. Just so we could finish early and catch up with Jude at the party. However, we were not allowed to leave the room until the last student finished the exam, making us even more late. On my way outside, some stupid girls in my grade publicly humiliated me for accidentally hitting one of them in the head. Outside the G-mix, I was on the verge of crying . I didn't want to go inside because I felt like s**t. Once I was inside, suddenly everyone in the group was saying they wanted to go home, since they had already been drunk since noon. Hearing that made me depressingly sad considering the amount of effort I made just so we could make it on time. I was looking for the familiar face of Jude, since he’s the only one I really wanted to see. Hoping he was here to comfort and give me the attention I needed to compensate for the bad day I just had. “Where’s Jude?” I said as my head swiveled. “Where’s Jude?”. But he was nowhere to be found. The guy that I like with his jet black hair and his blue backpack was nowhere to be found. “How can emptiness be this heavy?” This was the question that kept on circling around my head as I was walking home. “Maybe he didn't feel good so he went home early” I said to myself. Making up lies to comfort my loud mind. Over and over again. And that was when the accumulating sadness I tried my best to ignore started pouring out of me in the form of tears. In the back of my mind, there is this nagging voice telling me that Jude wasn't there because he ran off with the girl I think he likes, Demy. I do not know why but I just feel that way. “My god, I hope I'm wrong,” I said to myself. A few hours later, I was right. He was with her. And he’s totally into her. I'm completely shattered. I cried myself to sleep.