Never Love Me Please

Chapter 1

warning: frequent usage of the word die/death. this is not to encourage you to do the same thing as the characters written here does. please read responsibly and apply only the lessons and not the act. ty. lovelots, sn.

"Ms. Villegas, this is not your usual performance. What's happening? At this point, you'll have to retake this subject. You know that's a bad rep for your course right?"

Standing in front of my Law professor with this kind of reason was something that never happened before, at least, the person I was back then wouldn't even let this thought cross my mind but things changed now. And I think it's for the worse now.

Atty. Magbanua sat infront of me, skimming through my grade transcript for this semester. She actually didn't have to tell me because I already know and I am aware of the consequences that I have to face after failing almost all my major subjects.

"I'm sorry, Atty." my head remained at it's lowest angle. I was looking down at my shoes as if It can help ease the burden even just a little.

"Hija, I've been your professor for almost three years now and this is the first time your grades has fluctuated like this. Are you okay? Is something happening at home that might be distracting your studies? If you need help you know you can always come to me right?"

And the words continued. I kept hearing help and okay. Is it too obvious? Does my face screams finally giving up at life? And If I say I'm not okay but I don't need help, would they accept that kind of answer?

I'm so tired at people coming at me with worried faces and soft voices. I'm not even at the verge of giving up. I've already given up. So there's no use for motivational consolation to save the soul that has already left my being.

At this point I'm only living because I couldn't die.

"Syl, need daw mag comply sa three day seminar ng org." inilapag ni Aly sa harapan ko ang waiver slip para sa mami-miss na klase sa tatlong araw na 'yon.

Saglit kong tinignan 'yon bago ko ibalik sa banda niya ang papel.

"Hindi ako sasama." I've already decided that I won't go even before it was approved.

"Huh? E hindi ba ikaw ang nag propose ng project na 'yan last year? So bakit 'di ka sasama?" giit pa nito habang inuusog pabalik sa akin ang papel.

Ah. I remember the days where I used to fight for this project to get acknowledged by the department. But that was last year. When I was still giddy and excited over things like these. Now I just want to leave this place so I can finally rest... in peace.

"I already left the org. Si Nina na ang may hawak ng project na 'yan kaya hindi na ako required na sumama-

"But they never approved your resignation letter. The new vice didn't sign your paper so technically you're still part of the org and you're still required to come." Aly placed a pen on top of the paper for me to sign.

New president? I guess a lot has happened already.

I let out a sigh before folding the paper into two and putting away. I placed it at the back of my notebook hoping it would slip and get lost.

"I'll think about it." I said as an attempt to dismiss the topic but she was persistent.

"Why are you trying to leave the org when you're one of the few officials that built it to what it was now. Lower years look up to you don't you know?" she sat down on the chair beside me, trying to keep up with the conversation but I purposely look away so she'd feel awkward and leave.

"I don't know."

After saying that she finally stopped and just busied herself with the lecture. Everyone was busy listening while I just sat here, at the back of the room staring blankly at the board.

I used to be excited of lecture days. I would always answer to recitations and if I can I used to take notes and annotate on my books. But now all that enthusiasm just faded away. All I'm feeling right now was deep and silent emptiness.

It's like I'm here but not really here.

Looking down at my blank notebook I saw the letter again. Why was my resignation letter rejected? Who was the current president now? I guess I should go at the office and have it all cleared out.

I waited for another hour before the class finally ended.

Hindi na ako nagpa-alam sa kay Aly at nagdire-diretso na akong lumabas ng room. I have to see the president and have my letter signed so I can finally rest this problem.

Tahimik akong naglalakad papunta sa building kung nasaan ang organization office ng institute namin. Striding my way while inside the campus made me realize how different life is now back to when I'm still adjusting here.

It used to feel like I was always ready for a challenge back then. Always anticipating, waiting for another task to get accomplished. My enthusiasm for the things I wanted to achieve led to where I used to before. It made my life seemed perfect and full of goals I've already set as I convince myself it's what I love.

But in a span of a passing moments, all those joy turned into disappointment that soon became just an empty void of who I used to be.

I looked up to the bulletin board just beside the door of the organization office. They're still not updating it. My name was still plastered on top of the triangle along with my picture on top of it.

I used to love seeing this. Whenever I pass by this bulletin I remember feeling an immense pride just by looking at my name there with the face I can't recognize anymore. I looked happy there. Like life didn't just f**k everything up overnight.

"Syl! Oh my god! You finally came to visit!" Nina appeared beside me and attempted to give me a hug but I was quick to move away.

"Yeah. I was just about to make an appeal about my res-

"Resignation letter? Sorry Syl pero we still can't approve your leave because the election is still far from happening." she looked at me as if she was disappointed that I was bringing this up which I find weird because the last time I know was how bad she mocked me for unintentionally leaving my position after the death of both my parents.

"I see." I was about to turn my back on her when she suddenly grabbed my hand.

"Come by if you have time. We still need you, Syl. The org will not fully function without you. After all, you're the president."

Fancy hearing that from her after she went telling the whole team that I was irresponsible as I mourn the death of the people that pushed me into becoming who I was back then. If only I didn't hear what she said about me I would've appreciated this kind gesture even though it's only for a show.

"I'll try."

I remember the times where I would spend almost all the hours of my day here in the university than at home. If only I had known they'd be gone so soon I could've just spent all of those days with them.

The freshman me would be disappointed to see me leaving school too early because she would rather stay here and guide the new recruits in the office or host events and travel around for experience. Because the me now would rather just spend the day rotting away in my bed.

Even after they left me I still stayed in our house. With all the insurance and savings they left It will be enough for me to live by myself up until I finally graduate and have a job of my own. As much as I want to leave, this house will be my only reminder of them. And I'd rather die rotting here than leave it to the hands that tries to covet it.

Nang maisara ko na ang pintuan ay umakyat na 'rin agad ako sa kwarto ko. This has always been my usual routine. I seldom eat dinner when I get home so I would sleep with my empty stomach. And everytime, I would imagine my mom nagging at me for skipping dinner and dad bringing up food for me to eat at my room as he entertain me with his silly antics and dad jokes.

Hindi ko na namalayan na tumutulo na naman ang luha ko habang naka higa ako sa kama at naka titig sa kisame.

I miss them. I miss the times when this house used to be so warm and bright. Because right now it's just an empty dark space filled with memories that will haunt me forever.

Kung sana'y maibabalik ko lang ang mga oras na nasayang habang buhay pa sila. Maybe then I wouldn't regret it so much. Maybe if I had spent a little more time with them I wouldn't regret being me now.

I closed my eyes and grabbed the duvet that I took from their bedroom. I still couldn't stay long in that room without wanting to kill myself so I just settled with only this. It's been a year since they've been gone but their scents are still here.

Ilang oras pa akong nanatili sa ganong posisyon hanggang sa nakatulog na ako. Nagising lang ako nang biglang tumunog ang doorbell. I looked at the clock and saw that it's still 9pm.

Kunot noo akong tumayo mula sa aking kama at tsaka binaybay ang daan pababa, papunta sa pintuan nang nag pupungas pa at iniisip kung sino ang posibleng naroon.

Walang peephole ang pintuan namin kaya hindi ko malalaman kung sino ang naroon kung hindi ko bubuksan ang pintuan. Ang unang hinala ko ay ang Tita Rosalia pero nagkamali ako.

It was the guy that always bring food in this house even though I wasn't ordering anything. I couldn't remember the exact day he started bringing food here but I'm certain it was after my parents died.

His cold irritated eyes bore into me as he hand me the plastic bag with all the food with it.

"H-hindi ko inorder 'yan." I said, still looking down at the bag he was holding.

Naaamoy ko ang masarap na adobo na naroon. Bigla akong naka ramdam ng gutom habang naka-tingin pa rin 'don. Nung isang araw ang dinala niya sa akin ay sinigang.

"I know and I don't care if you take it or not." isinabit niya sa knob ang plastic at tsaka tumalikod.

Binuksan ko ang pinto upang subukan na habulin siya.

"Teka. Magbabayad ak-

"Wag na. Hindi naman namin binebenta 'yan. My mom just pity you that's why I'm here." aniya habang bahagyang naka tingin sa akin ang masungit niyang mga mata.

Pity? Napa tulala ako sa harap niya. Why didn't I thought of that? He must be living nearby for his mom to take pity on me. She must be seeing my life huh?

I smiled bitterly with the sight of him looking at me as if I'm a baggage and a burden. I can't blame him though. If I were him I'd feel the same.

"Eat it or throw it away. I don't care."

After saying that he finally left. I watched where he went and when he entered the house next to ours my hunch was right. After all, they wouldn't pity me if I was not around right?

Bumalik na ako sa loob matapos kong kunin ang pagkain sa knob. Dumiretso ako sa kusina at tsaka inilapag sa lamesa ang pagkain.

Parang nawalan na ako ng ganang kumain. This was the first time that someone actually said that they pity me after the incident. Napa upo ako sa stool at tsaka pinagmasdan ang kakalagay lang na plastic bag sa tabi ng iba pang containers na naipon sa lamesa na nanggaling 'rin sa kaniya.

For a second I thought I'm finally deserving of living life a little. I guess I'm still not? Natawa ako ng bahagya bago tinulak ang pagkain papalayo sa'kin.

Tumayo na 'rin ako at umalis 'ron matapos uminom ng tubig. Itutulog ko na lang siguro ang nararamdaman kong 'to. Kung hindi man ako hahayaan ng tadhana na gawin ang gusto ko, sana bukas sa pag gising ko bawasan na lang niya ang sakit na kahit ako ay hindi ko maibsan.

Sana bukas ay nakalumutan ko na ang lahat... na sana bukas pag gising ko panaginip lang ang lahat ng 'to at nasa sala lang sila mama at papa, naghihintay na magising ako sa bangungot na 'to.