After She Left

FIVE

"I really can't explain the winter. I can only say it's hard to breathe, but it's worth the smell."

-Hillel Rosenshine

I was thrashing around the bed like a crazy person, groaning from the headache that was currently trying to kill me.

"f**k me," I groaned, finally deciding to get out of the bed and find some pain killers.

Noticing Hanna wasn't in my bed, I felt bad for making our first day here quite bad for her. It had to be since she wasn't laying next to me.

I stripped out of my shirt and shorts, wrapping a black silk robe around me. Since I could barely see a thing I assumed it was the middle of the night or early morning. At least I'd have some time to make myself look and feel somewhat representable.

Grabbing my phone with me, I walked out of my room, greeted by the moonlight coming from the outside. I think it was best to stop the drinking for a few days at least because I clearly had trouble dealing with the amount I had drunk on my first day back. I stumbled my way to the elevator, reaching the first floor in a few seconds.

There had to be someone in the kitchen or one of us had forgotten to turn off the light. Needless to say - I hoped for the latter, since I felt and probably looked like a complete mess, also not quite ready to face anyone after my drunken behavior.

I held a hand on my forehead to stop the light in the kitchen from digging holes into my brain since it hurt that much to be in bright light whilst dealing with a hangover.

Walking over to the shelves, I rummaged through them, trying to find anything that could help the torture I was enduring currently.

"Looking for something?" I heard her ask from behind.

I froze in my spot for a second, soon regaining my composure by clearing my throat and looking at her.

"Yeah, pain killers," I couldn't tear my eyes away from hers even if my life depended on it, "any idea where they might be?"

Eden put her pudding and spoon on the counter, walking in front of me and reaching for the top shelf, handing me a package of pills: "here."

I blinked once, then twice, taking the package from her hands, trying to ignore the fact I got goosebumps the second our fingers lightly brushed against each other.

"Thanks," I said after a few seconds, staring at the package, popping 2 pills in my hand, then dry swallowing them. She did break my heart, but my parents had taught me manners well enough.

I knew she was looking at me by the way I felt or maybe it was just the hungover or the alcohol still existent in my body.

Walking over to the freezer, I opened it searching for some ice cream and finding my favorite, which was probably bought by Andre. I smiled to myself once I'd eaten the first spoon. Was I even hungry or simply finding excuses to stay here with her? Whichever it was, I tried to think about it as little as possible.

After a few minutes of silence, I looked at her and decided to ask what had been bothering me for a while: "how much?"

She furrowed her brows, but then the realization hit her as she avoided my gaze: "is that seriously the first thing you're asking me in 6 months apart from the ridiculous drunken act?"

I laughed, ignoring her comment: "how much?"

She groaned, running a hand through her hand: "for f**k's sake, Ruby, it doesn't matter."

"How much, Eden?"

"I said it doesn't f*****g matter!" she shouted, slamming her hand on the counter.

"If it doesn't then what did?" I asked her as she finally looked at me.

"Ru.." she ran her hands across her face, clearly frustrated.

But she had already popped open the stitches I'd thought were healed: "don't call me that, Eden! Don't call me anything, damn it. Just tell me why the hell I spent months hurting, why I had to move away from home and lose trust in everything I'd believed in, why did I need to give up the one person I'd loved and felt safe with? Why, Eden? Because it didn't matter? Goddamnit, at least help me put a number for what I went through, all I can hope is that it was big enough, it sure as hell feels like it should be."

"You don't understand.." she said quietly.

"Please tell me your kidding," I laughed, "you're the one that doesn't understand what you did and then comes here acting as if I'm the bad one. All I ever did was love you like a hopeless i***t whilst you were planning to stab me in the back all along you pathetic egoistic coward."

She clenched her jaw, coming closer: "don't disrespect me Ruby."

"Or what?" I stepped closer, smirking, "there's nothing you can do since you mean less to me than a speck of dust in the air, Eden."

She pressed me against the corner, kissing me passionately. Her fingers were both freezing and burning me, the same for her lips. It was deadly and toxic. You always wanted more, but the more you got, the closer to death you got.

For a second I was about to give in but then I bit her lip, giving her a hard shove, wiping my mouth whilst laughing.

"You disgust me, Eden," I said, venom dripping from my tongue, "that's the first thing you do? Really? Kiss me as if I'm some sort of property to claim after that's all you treated me as? News flash, I am no longer yours to treat that way."

She looked at me, smirking, as she wiped the blood dripping from her lip: "we both know you still love me, Ruby."

There was no way, the person in front of me was nothing like the one I'd fallen in love with originally.

"Look at you," I saw the emptiness in her eyes, "there's nothing left to love."

And it was the truth, the Eden I'd loved was gentle, my home, my everything. She was smart, loving, talented and of course mysterious. Or perhaps it was just the idea I made of her. Now all that was left was emptiness, a person that was lost in herself, no love, no feelings, no emotions, she simply existed as a person that once broke me.

I turned around, ready to leave this apartment as fast as I could, but first I had to change and figure out my escape. I wondered how hard it'd be to run away without anyone noticing.

Eden's voice shouted from behind: "let's see how long it takes you to fall for me this time, Gold."

I flipped her off, going to the elevator, soon finding myself in my room, pressed against the door. I breathed heavily, feeling my heartbeat as if I'd just ran a marathon. What the hell just happened? I'd hoped I was dreaming enough of times today and it had never been the reality, so I knew I had to give up on hoping so this time. Her touch still made me shiver, her lips making me dizzy and bothered, but she wasn't the Eden I loved, such Eden never existed and I had Hanna - the one person with whom everything was real.

Fuck, Hanna. I had yet to figure out a way to make this day up to her. It was supposed to be our day, our home, yet all we got was everything but. Couldn't be denied that I was the one who let the circumstances f**k it up for us, but I felt there was no way around it, I just couldn't control my emotions nor pretend they didn't exist. If I deserved one thing after what happened then it was this - making them realize how badly they'd hurt me. I guess I wasn't as over it as I'd originally thought. But if you gave it a thought - I'd never seen any of their faces after finding out the truth, of course, apart from Blake's. So it was only natural I'd go full on crazy at them.

I pushed myself up from the ground, searching the room for my laptop. It had to be here somewhere. And sure enough, I soon found it in my nightstand. I hated that I couldn't even unpack my own stuff, it had been unpacked before we even came up.

Since there had to be multiple ways they'd be able to track me down or see what I'm doing on my own laptop to make sure I was 100% safe, I decided to start by finding them all and getting rid of them. Blake had to be the one to be taking care of all security systems, laptops, phones, tracking, cameras and so on, so I thought it'd be the best idea to do this through his laptop and since it was somewhere within this apartment, that was quite easy to do. I made sure to make it seem as if nothing had changed, putting up a picture of me sleeping when it came to my bedroom camera, freezing the rest of them, also freezing all trackers as well as making it seem as if nothing was done on my laptop.

After finding the secret exits of the apartment, since taking the elevator would be too risky, not to mention dumb, I only grabbed my wallet, sneaking my way out of the building. Of course, I made sure to leave my phone and laptop behind since I could never be sure just how many trackers they have in them.

I looked around the familiar city, smiling at the nighty sky.

Freedom, here I come, I thought, making my first steps without any security guarding my fabulous ass.