After She Left

NINE

"I'll plant a row of daisy seeds, in the space below each eye, so they'll remind you of your beauty when they bloom each time you cry."

-e.h.

Angel, Luke, Hanna, Andre, and Lilly were all hanging out somewhere else in the house, whilst Blake had sat me and Eden on different sofas so now we were facing each other meanwhile he sat in the middle.

"We're solving this right now," Blake stated, his face showing that he wasn't playing around at all.

I groaned, rolling my eyes, attempting to get up once again, but Blake immediately reached out and pushed me back down.

"You have to stop acting like a b***h, because that is not who you are, Ru," Blake said, "the Ruby I know is gentle, sweet and selfless."

It got to me more than I thought it would.

But I still smirked, tilting my head at him: "oh, I think that one died together with cancer."

Eden raised her head for the first time in a while, her eyes now red. Blake just shook his head.

"Can you go at least 10 minutes without the sarcastic remarks?" he asked.

I raised my brow, thinking I'd comply like the girl he once knew just to see what would come out of this that wouldn't if I acted like usual: "Fine, I'll try."

They both stared at me in shock due to the weirdness of me complying.

"Great.." he nodded, "so since you two are complete idiots, let me help you two figure it out to make everyone's life easier."

"Not to be a bitchy or sarcastic person, but I've been up the entire time ever since I landed here yesterday and I'd like to go to sleep eventually, so..." I smiled awkwardly, "it would be good if we made this quick."

Blake once again shook his head. I was starting to feel like a kid that was non-stop scolded by his parents.

"Anyways," I said, since it was once again silent, "I don't see a point in this since Eden only stares and hasn't said a word for like 15 minutes now."

"Oh, shut up," Eden said, pain clear in her face, "you just told me you had cancer whilst we were dating and made me feel like crap for not helping you when I didn't even know in the first place. It wasn't my fault I didn't go after you, I thought that by leaving the message of "stay the f**k away or I'll make sure you're dead" you made a point you didn't want me near you."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes since I'd agreed to play the good girl: "Why are you acting like you're all hurt and so on? You caused this, made it what it is and even when I did come back you still acted like the stuck up person you are."

Eden furrowed her brows: "I can't change the past, but stop blaming it all on me when you weren't the only one who got hurt. This all could've been denied if you had been honest with me."

"Jesus, just shut up, would you?" I shouted, deciding I had had enough, "it's cruel of you to say it's my fault. Why the hell would me telling you I had cancer change anything? Because you felt sorry? Wasn't my love enough for you to drop the damn plan?"

I saw a tear sliding down her cheek, as she quickly wiped it away, making me think if it was ever even real. I had never witnessed her crying.

"I'm sorry, okay?" she stood up, taking a step closer, then sitting down on her knees in front of me, "I f****d up an-"

I cut her off, my eyes wide: "did you just apologize?"

"Just shut up and listen to me for once, please," she said, her blue eyes digging into my soul.

"That is my cue to leave," Blake got up, "don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

He left the room, as both of us followed him out with our eyes. Then it was once again silent while we looked at each other, her taking my arms in hers.

"Look.. nothing I say will ever make up for it.." she started, "but that day when I left, it wasn't to get ready to jump you or whatever, I wanted to cancel the whole plan which is why I first had to meet the gang. Ruby, I was a f*****g fool, I ruined us and you didn't deserve one bit of it. I wish I could turn the time back but I can't."

I took my arms out of hers, waves of the familiar tingles running through my body becoming unbearable. I stood up, needing to get further from her.

"I don't know what you want me to say..." I stated, stepping back, "it's too late."

She took a step forward as I took 2 back until I had nowhere left to go. She reached up, wiping my cheek. I hadn't even realized I was crying.

"I promise I will do anything in my power to make this okay if you only as much as allow me to, Ruby," she said quietly.

The sincerity I saw and felt frightened me, because this had happened before - me believing her and being hurt because of it. I didn't want to believe a word she said, but I knew it was the truth.

She closed the space between us, looking in my eyes as if asking me for permission, I don't know whether my eyes thought differently than my brain, but soon enough her soft lips once again connected with mine. She was kissing me gently, with love, while one of her hands rested on my waist, pulling me closer and the other was behind my neck.

I was just stuck, unsure of how or if I should respond. I had spent so much of my time hurting because of this girl, yet I couldn't seem to resist her. My mind and heart were in constant battle. For a split second did my lips answer hers.

And then I pushed her away.

I had forgotten the most important thing - it wasn't just the two of us. Hanna was now my girlfriend and I couldn't do this to her. I looked at Eden who didn't have any shame in what she had just done.

"Why would you do that!?" I demanded.

She ignored my question, once again stepping closer as she placed a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Just stop, would you?" I said quietly, my power suddenly disappearing once she'd come closer, "I can't do this. It's wrong in so many ways."

She looked in my eyes, so many emotions coming through her as she said: "I still love you, Ruby. I can't pretend that I don't."

I turned my head away, not able to look at her anymore. She can't be doing this to me, it had to be a joke.

"I have a girlfriend. Just because you now realize how badly you messed up and finally apologize does not mean it makes it okay and I'll come running into your arms. It does not mean I can just move on as if it never happened. The effect your actions left on me is still a thing I have to deal with on a daily basis, it does not magically disappear once you apologize, Eden."

"I always knew that my actions were wrong, it just took me time to admit it," she tried to convince me as I tried to ignore the fact that I knew it was true.

"It took me months, you know," I choked up, remembering that time, "at first I cried. Partly because I just couldn't get rid of you - you were always there, in my head. I dreamt of you nearly every night, your face haunting me, waking up crying because you simply weren't there when I woke up. The other reason was that I hated myself for still loving you. I felt like I'd betrayed myself, given my all for a person who wouldn't even lift a finger for me. I was so f*****g weak and shattered and I only wanted you no matter how wrong it was. Do you know how much it messed me up?"

"Ru.." she softly said, placing a hand on the side of my neck, rubbing soothing circles there with her thumb.

I looked into her eyes: "please, just keep your distance. I'd never do a thing to hurt Hanna when she is the only person who was there for me."

Eden seemed annoyed as her brows furrowed:" you don't love her, Ruby, not that way. We both know it was just a temporary fix until I was by your side again."

This made me mad. Who was she to say such things? No matter what I felt for Eden, Hanna was still one of the most important people in my life.

"I think you better go now," I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Ruby, don't act like a kid," Eden sighed, probably disappointed in me, very much like everyone else.

"Then don't make assumptions about my relationship," I bit back.

She ran a hand through her hair, a clear sign of the frustration she felt: "It's far from being an assumption since we both know it's the truth. I hurt you and she was a plaster to put on the wound I made. But plasters are only temporary, I'm the one that's meant to heal you completely, I made the wound in the first place."

I looked at her, knowing deep down she was right. It was how life worked, or at least mine seemed to.

She once again got closer, close enough to press me against the wall and tilted my head up to her eyes with fingers, then said: "I know you still love me, Ruby. I've missed you so much."

I thought back to how her eyes shined, diamonds in them when she told me 6 months ago she loved me. The way her soft lips kissed mine, and her fingers ran against my skin. It was as if at that moment the world stopped just for a second as I was completely vulnerable in front of her and she finally was to me. She had been the star that I watched and adored all times of the day, but at that moment she became the whole galaxy, swallowing me whole.

But she wasn't my world anymore, I had to pull myself out of it and heal myself. The help of Hanna or Eden could never heal me fully the way I could myself. 

I put a hand on her face, touching her jawline, cheeks, and lips, while she leaned into my arm. She was so beautiful, so cruel yet sincere and tempting. Everything in her was a never-ending battle. 

I removed my arm, stepping to the side so that I wasn't against the wall anymore: "I can't."

She furrowed her brows, probably confused as to why my actions didn't match my words, so I said: "don't put me in this position again. You have to respect that I have a girlfriend. And it isn't you in case you haven't realized that already."

"But, Ru-" she tried stepping closer.

"No," I shook my head, stepping back, "it's over."

I breathed hard, thinking about all the time we had spent together and apart. A year full of ups and downs, heartbreak and feeling the best I ever had, sometimes both on the same day. She had become my everything, so it was only natural it would take a lot to feel myself after her. I never had the chance to move on, yet it finally felt like it was possible. 

"It's over," I repeated to myself.