Perfectly Broken

(16) Doomed From the Start

~Ryan's POV~

"Ah-choo!" Emma sneezed for the hundredth time. She was in her room along with Tori who was equally sick. Yesterday, those dummies decided to stand in the rain and stay in their drenched clothes during dinner. They deserved to be sick.

"What are you cooking?" I asked Chelsea. She was running around the kitchen and I paused when the gut-churning stench of garlic hit my nose.

She kept her eyes focused on the pan in front of her. "Tomato soup, grill cheese, and garlic tea."

I winced at the last one. "Garlic tea?" She nodded. Thinking back, she was always the one to experiment with food that wasn't of common knowledge. I guess if there was one thing I missed about her, it'd be her cooking. Whatever she made, you knew it was going to be worth the wait.

She smiled beautifully, soft and delicate like always. On the inside, I knew she was still broken just staring into her eyes but unlike me, she could make anyone think she had it together. "I didn't stutter, mister," she said sarcastically, making me smirk. "Garlic tea is good for the sinuses and makes the body feel good." I chuckled when she shook her hips saying makes the body feel good. "What?" she asked, knowing why I was laughing when she shook her hips again.

I shook my head, looking away. "Doesn't all tea do that?"

She rolled her eyes. "Do you really want me to give you a lecture on the positive effects garlic has on the body?"

"Not really."

She scoffed. And then the tormenting silence began while I stood at the doorway, watching her cook. In front of people, she would pretend I hadn't broken her heart, reminding me of our past time together and, honestly, it felt good. Things at home and with Emma and Alec hasn't been going that thrilling, however, she took my mind off of those things. Even for a minute, I enjoyed it.

Alone was another thing...

"Ryan," she said, setting down the spoon in the pot. Her bright green eyes fell on me and I fidgeted, knowing what she wanted to talk about. "About what I told you earlier, I meant it. I...I hold no grudges about our breakup and...I still love you."

All I could think of at those words were: If you were Emma, I'd take you in a heartbeat. Selfish, I know, but it's the truth. I could handle being Chelsea's friend but anything more, I wanted out. However, we were in the same boat. Chelsea made me happy, she still does, because, we could relate to each other so well. We've had similar backgrounds and complimenting personalities.

But my heart yearned for Emma nonetheless.

I sighed, pushing back my hair, disgruntled. Now how can I break her heart a second time? "Chelsea, I—"

"Hold it!" she ordered, taking me by surprise. She had a stern expression, her captivating eyes silencing me, her lips puckered a smidge. "Before you say anything, let me lay it down, I also hate you." Oh joy, I thought mockingly, internally rolling my eyes. I was wondering when her true colors would emerge. "You know why? Because the 'it's not you, it's me' line didn't go over well with me. So I realized, after foolishly crying over your dumbass, there must have been another reason for you breaking up with me. Maybe it was...another girl."

I couldn't stop myself at reacting to her truthful accusation. Blinking several times, taking a staggering step back, she noticed she just hit the bulls-eye before I could conceal it. The bad thing about having been with her for two years, she harnessed the ability to read me like a book.

A victorious simper touched her lips, walking towards me seductively. "So where is she?"

I crossed my arms, staring her down. There's no way I was going to let her read me, so I kept my expression blank. "Where's who?"

"Don't tell me she flaked on you."

My jaw clutched at the words, yesterday's argument with Emma suddenly unraveling in my mind. She took it that whoever she pictured in her mind refused to go out with me. And although it was true, it was more complicated than her imagination would ever know.

"You'd be happy about that, wouldn't you?" I shot at her. It came out bitter, expecting her to back off when she closed the gap between our bodies. She was so close I could smell the familiar scent of coconut oil lingering off her skin.

Her small hand touched my chest. "I'd never be happy seeing you sad, Ryan. I might hate that I love you but I'd never want to see you go down that road. Not after what you've been through."

I glowered at her, an ambiguous feeling sparking inside. Stepping back, I barked harshly through my gritted teeth, "Don't you dare pity me. You know I hate that."

She stared at me as if examining every aspect of my features that changed during the speck of time we last saw one another. Her fingers traced the hallows of my cheeks, the muscles in my neck and arm, then working her way up to twirl a lock of my hair. All while never removing her eyes from mine. Her touch burned my skin but it wasn't the addictive, intoxicating feeling Emma would trail behind, which would leave me yearning more.

Chelsea never had that kind of power over me.

"Ryan, what does she have that I don't?" Her hand was planted on my cheek, her thumb rubbing soothingly.

Staring into those eyes, I knew she was feeling self-conscious about herself. Even though she was beautiful, her childhood lacked reassurance of it, instead of enhancing her disgust for her looks. When she was with me, I made sure to tell her—to show her—that she was beautiful. However, her self-consciousness morphed into a rivalry. And this time, I couldn't reassure her that she was the only one because I couldn't bring myself to lie. My heart wanted Emma, it always has, and I knew it always will.

Grasping her wrist gently, I pulled her off of me, hesitating when I noticed the sorrow gleaming in her eyes. Anyone in the world, I could tear them off of me without a second thought, but when it came to her and Emma, my body retaliated. Unconsciously, I kissed the palm of her hand, looking into her eyes which begged for me.

"You wouldn't understand, Chelsea" I muttered, disregarding her pained expression. "I'm sorry."

Taking a deep breath, she quickly veiled her pained expression with a sincere smile that made me cautious. Don't be fooled by the pretty face, she will bite at the most unexpected moment. "She's really got you under her spell, hasn't she?" Her voice was filled with defeat I'd only heard once: when we broke up.

I scratched the back of my head, looking away when I admitted, "Yeah, kind of."

"Is she someone I know?"

I continued to look away, knowing she'd read me if I faced her and she'd know the truth. I've seen Chelsea's anger before and I refused to see Emma inflicted by it. "I don't think so."

"Is she someone from school?"

Turning back to her, now aggravated with her interrogation, I snapped, "Chelsea, why the f**k does it matter?! We're over! I'm sorry to say it like that but it's the truth!"

The smile faded away, replaced with an infuriated scowl, her nose quivering in anger and her hands balled up at her sides. "Because it does matter, Ryan, no matter what you want to tell yourself, it matters! I freakin' loved you, I gave and told you everything, you were the only person I had when I was down in the gutters, and then you practically told me we were nothing! And that I wasn't worth having a long distance relationship with! But for some reason, this girl..." A heartbreaking chortle escaped her, her eyes swelling up with water. Oh man, I'm not good with girls crying. I'd usually ignore them but Chelsea wasn't the type I could ignore. "...this girl...I just don't know."

When the slimmest morsel of a tear escaped, I decided to let her in. Drawing her into my arms, I held her to my chest which she complied with hesitantly before wrapping her arms around my torso. This was a rarity that she'd cry in front of anyone so I knew she was hurting inside. Just like she hated loving me, I hated getting soft when she was around (emotionally, not—get your minds out the gutter!). She sniffed against my shirt before looking up, her eyes rimmed with red.

"Can I ask you something?" she sniffed again. I didn't reply before she went on. "Just until spring breaks over, can we please be like what we were before—just to see if things between us can be fixed? And in the end, if you don't feel the same way, no hard feelings, deal?"

A part of me wanted to agree for her sake, knowing beyond her hard exterior, the small pieces of her were still large enough to shatter more. Personal, I knew it'd be a waste because for years I've fought this unrequited love for Emma with no effort. What could a couple of days change? Plus, yesterday, I told Emma that I was tired of her blindness to my feelings I practically threw in her face every day for the past three months. Maybe some time to get my mind partially (because who am I kidding? She'll never completely leave my mind) off of her would do us both some good.

"Sure, why n—"

Chelsea's lips reached mine before I could finish my words, her familiar cheery lip balm taking over my senses. She knew I liked it. And when I pulled her closer to get more of the fruity taste, she smiled against my lips, all too eager to bask in it. Her lips weren't as plump and addictive as Emma's but damn, did they taste good.

"Ah-hmm!" someone cleared their throat. We rapidly pulled away, turning to Alec's cocky expression, containing a hint of...victory? "Don't let me cut in on your porno. Just came to get some food."

Upon hearing that irritating voice, my hand clenched in a fist on instinct. Chelsea stepped away by the time I sent him a raging scowl. He's been secluding himself in his room since yesterday and I've been holding back some words for him.

"We need to talk," I growled at Alec.

He was grabbing an apple from the refrigerator. "Well, don't let me inter—"

"I need to talk to you, Alec," I corrected, glaring him down.

He rolled his eyes, tossing the apple in one hand. "We have nothing to talk about." He walked out of the kitchen. Determined to give him a piece of my mind, I followed, marching after him.

"We have plenty to talk about. Now it's between you get your ass outside voluntarily or I drag your ass out, which is it gonna be?"

Now close enough to see some expression on him, I could see he had bags under his eyes and he looked hell-a-tired. He was probably tossing and turning with guilt last night? Fantastic! "Ryan, I know what you're going to say, and it's between Emma and me. Not you." He turned to leave but I wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily.

"Outside now!" I ordered. I hated repeating myself and this ass was already on my hit list.

He sized me up for a moment, contemplating if I was serious about my threat. After a few seconds of frustrating ponder, he headed out the front door with me behind. "I know what you're going to say," he said pompously, walking towards the stone path in the woods. It wrapped around the entire property and was secluded. I avoided the thought of killing him without witnesses. "I shouldn't have told her my feelings like t—"

Abruptly, my fist collided to his jaw, red anger blinding me to see his pompous exterior, the only evidence of remorse in the bag beneath his eyes. The impact sent him staggering back, having to catch his footing with more effort than necessary. Blood gushed out of his lip and a bruise on his cheek darkened a shade by the time he got focused and glared at me. It only lasted a few seconds until, surprisingly, the guilt I expected earlier clouded his features.

He sighed, wiping the blood off with the back of his hand, smirking. "I guess I deserved that...if it was for Emma."

"It was," I snarled. "What happened to her being your best friend, huh? You broke her f*****g heart knowing what she felt for you, what she's done for you!"

"Hey!" he snapped, giving me the same lethal glare. Besides the similar furrowing of our eyebrows, the angular of our cheekbones, and the short-temper, you'd never know we were half-brothers. "I have as much power over her feelings as you do! Don't blame me for her uncontrollable emotions!"

"Why shouldn't I? You continuously provoked them and you drew the line when you lied saying you were s*x friend—"

"O-okay!" He looked frustrated. He was always one to get frustrated easily because besides me, who else was there, who knew his true nature, to berate him? He's a spoiled brat. "That was stupid of me but when she told me she's been sleeping with you...I had to do anything—everything—to keep her."

I scoffed. "Well, I hope you're happy because you f****d up. You crushed her heart in the most inexplicable way and on top of that, I'm sure you're going to be one lonely bastard. Way to go, best friend!"

He frowned at me for the sarcasm which I ignored. "This is your fault—"

"Learn to take credit when credit is due," I quoted, crossing my arms. "You shouldn't have started this game, this charade of yours. It was doomed from the start." Oh, it felt right saying those words, knowing I was advancing. "And Emma shouldn't have been the centerpiece."

"Emma is my best f—"

"Was."

He gritted his teeth. "Like hell. I'm going to tell her the truth."

I chuckled at the word truth, knowing he would never if it put him in bad lighting, and the truth was as bad as it could get for him. "So she'll know you only befriended her as a vendetta against me? Wow, I wonder how she'll take that." This was only getting better and seeing his face inflate like a red balloon was just the icing on the cake.

He skimmed his teeth with his tongue before replying. "Not that truth." I knew it was too good to be true, I thought mentally scoffing. "The truth that I love her like a friend, nothing more. And that I need her as my best friend. I want to get back to where we were. During these past two days, I've just been freaking out about...having s*x with her. She's beautiful but it'd feel weird like sleeping with my sister or something. And I want to protect her from guys like me because she's precious and I want to preserve that."

I smirked, rolling my eyes. "How heartwarming. But she's a grown woman, I'd know"—he shot me a deadly glare, knowing I implied it sexually—" and she only deserves the best. And the best for her right now is the truth. You've hurt her enough. Can't you grant her that?"

He mimicked my movement, crossing his arms conceitedly. "Hmm, you're acting like you don't have a truth to tell. Would you tell Emma the entire truth yourself?"

My jaw tightened at the question. Of course, I'd tell Emma over time. I had a hauntingly dark past and I wanted to be sure she could handle it. Alec, since he was a part of my secret collection, knew enough to make me look like the bad guy in her eyes. However, if I was the one telling her about my past, I was comfortable enough knowing she knew.

Confidently, I told him, "Yes, I would tell her."

The corner of his sinister smile faltered, expecting the opposite answer. But that smile held on. "Oh...I'm sure Uncle Scott would love to know about you telling his personal business."

My eyes widened at the threat before rage took over. "You wouldn't!"

"I would! Now isn't that funny? We both have secrets...how about we keep it that way." His brown eyes bore into me, challenging me to tell Emma and reveal the asshole he was. He was determined to prolong my anguish if it meant Emma would stay by his side and not mine. No, I've come too far and I wasn't going back to being her enemy.

I bit my bottom lip, suppressing the need to punch him again in the same bruise that was now darkening into red. "Fine. Two can play that game." The corner of my lips tilted. "You know, just a week or two ago, before she went missing, I was talking to Julie Carter."

All traces of tormenting pleasure were erased with that name and it only encouraged me to continue.

"We were talking about the past and caught up on a few things. I'm sure Emma would love to know your connection with her. Say, Alec, when was the last time you talked to Julie? You know, before the 'incident.'"

He was at his boiling point, both hands in fists. The muscles in his body strained in anger, gritting his teeth, eyes looking like they would shoot lasers at me any second. "You bastard!" That's when he charged at me, a tornado of rage. He knocked me to the ground, my back hitting in the side of a tree and I groaned at the pain. The moment my senses awakened, I gave him a knuckle sandwich, hitting him square in the jaw. He staggered back, the pain dawning on him for a split second before he scowled at me, charging once more. This time, I was prepared, kneeing him in the gut and watching him fall to the ground with oomph.

On the ground, cradling his injured ribs, he looked up at me, catching his breath. When a tiny smile arose, I could see blood running along his gums. "Like father...like son, eh?"

And with that, he ruptured my breaking point. We had an unspoken agreement we'd talk about neither of our fathers, especially mine. But he thought he had the exemption to speak of my father. He thought wrong.

Bringing my foot back, I slammed it into his gut when he attempted to stand, knocking him to the ground a second time. "Don't you ever compare me to him, you got it?!" I stomped off before he could reply. Needing time to clear my head, I decided to jog the rest of the trail. What he said about being like my father cut deep and he knew it. That was a touchy subject for personal reasons and he knew never to bring that asshole up. And to compare me to him? Alec better hopes I didn't break any ribs because if I saw him any time soon, I'd be overjoyed to fix that.

At the end of the trail, I was so breathless and sore that it took my mind off my thoughts as I strolled to the front door. I quickly headed to my room which I shared with Jude, taking a shower, and changing before checking up on Emma.

I knocked on the door, opening it after Tori giggled, "Come in." I did, noticing Emma quickly hid under the covers while Tori and Jude laughed on the other side of the room.

"I knew it was Ryan," Tori stated giddily before sneezing. "Pay up, sucker."

Jude frowned at her while I walked inside. "We didn't make a bet."

Tori put on an angelic face. "Hey, you wanna make a b—"

"Too late, sweet cheeks, too late."

They laughed and I just shook my head, half-smiling when I stopped at Emma's side. I poked her, hearing her yelp like a squeaky toy, making my smile grow full. "Why are you hiding under the sheets?" I asked her, finding this amusingly childish.

"I'm sick and I don't want you to see me," she answered, her words slightly muffled.

"What's wrong with me seeing you?" I grabbed a chair by the desk, dragging it over to sit by her side like Jude was to Tori. "It's not like I've never seen you before."

"I look indecent."

"Indecent? Then Jude shouldn't even be in here." Jude laughed and Tori did the same.

"Not like that!" she sounded like a kid, making this even more enjoyable. "Plus, I don't want to see you."

"Why?" The blue covers wrapped around her like a cocoon so much I couldn't see her hair.

"Chelsea told me." The smile on my face evaporated at the mention of Chelsea. Looking over my shoulder, I noticed Jude and Tori quit laughing and were looking down, embarrassed. A sinking feeling churned in my gut.

Tori cleared her throat. "Um, Jude, can you carry me like the princess I am to the living room? I want to watch TV."

"Of course, you're royal I better get something out of this-ness."

He picked her up nonetheless. "What you get is the opportunity to be in my presence. Now chop-chop, there's a shirtless Jensen Ackles coming on and I don't want to miss an inch of him."

They walked out together, Jude struggling to close the door and keep his arms around her highness. I turned back to Emma who hadn't budged an inch since she last spoke.

"Chelsea told you what?" I prompted. Whatever she said, I knew it was bad news for me and I was prepared for that.

For the first time, she crawled out of her cocoon, pressing down on her sexily messy hair. Her nose was red and swollen from sneezing and her magnificent blue eyes were rimmed with darkness. Cold or not, she still got my heart racing at the sight of her. Why didn't she realize that?

"You lied to me," she frowned sternly. "You told me she broke up with you, not the other way around." This is too much conflict in one day, I thought, pushing my hair back in aggravation. She crossed her slender arms, the frown tantalizing even under these circumstances. "And I can recall several occasions where you used the excuse of missing her—hell, our relationship was based off you getting your heart broken by her—to have s*x. So is it true? Was our entire s*x friends' relationship a lie?"

Taking a deep breath, I scooted closer to her, noticing her recoiling, pissed off. "It's true." She exhaled and I realized she was holding onto hope that it'd be a lie. "But I did it for you."

Her eyebrow arched. "For me? You lied to me for me?" She looked like she would laugh if she wasn't so angry about my deceit.

I nodded. "Would you have accepted being s*x friends if I told you I was the one who broke up with her." Her silence told me the answer. I just had the guts to say it out loud. "No, you wouldn't. Because you'd think I was just using you—"

"Weren't you?" she shot back, hurt coursing through her words. She looked hurt and I hated that I was the culprit this time and not Alec. I was hurting her as much as Alec was by lying. I realized that a long time ago, however, it was different seeing it. Her already pale face seemed to turn ghost white, sucking on her lips when she looked away.

"No, Emma, I never once wanted to use you in the benefit of hurting you."

Her eyes darted to me, glossed over with penetrable tears. "You've been with so many other girls—prettier girls. Why me?"

The first comment made me grin a bit. "First of all, I can count how many girls I've slept with on one hand, which is good for a guy with my reputation. And second, it's always been you, Emma." I grasped her hand lying on the comforter. "I thought the only way I could ever get you were making up being s*x friends."

She didn't refuse my touch when she muttered, "Why?"

I looked deep into those blue sapphires when I said, "Because I love you." She inhaled harshly at the words, clutching her chest as if she were having a heart attack. "I've loved you since the moment I set my eyes on you in elementary school. However, because of my past and how I was raised, I thought being in love meant having to hurt you. So all the bullshit I put you through for the past nine years was my idiotic attempt at loving you. I was stupid, I still am, yet, I've never stopped loving you.

When I was with Chelsea, it was you who continued to race through my mind. When I wanted to talk to someone, it was your voice I wanted to comfort me. And when I was so down on my luck, it was the thought of a future with you that helped me up. It's always been you, Emma, only you.

Breaking up with Chelsea and seeing you crying that day seemed like the answer. I'll admit I yearned for you so much that I couldn't wait to have you in my arms. That's why I proposed being s*x friends. I couldn't control myself. All I had to do from the start was show you how much I loved you—telling you, giving you gifts, hold you—but, for the love of God, I didn't realize it until now. And I'm guessing now is...too late."

She stared at me silently. I could practically see my words turning in her mind despite her expressionless mask. Every second felt excruciating to bear, waiting for her to reply. Telling her all of that hadn't been the agenda. It relieved some of the pressure on my back, though, making me wonder if the boulder of my past could be lifted away by her.

Then she spoke, "I...I need to...to think." Her stuttering words worried me. I should have expected she'd need time since we haven't been the best of friends over the years. And her only love and best friend had broken her heart in so many pieces I feared I'd never been able to rebuild it. "Um, can I...I'm going to take a nap."

The fearful look in her eyes startled me, looking down at her sheets, lost in thought.

"Emma, I also want to talk about the par—"

"Ryan." She said my name sorrowfully, begging me not to continue. "Please."

She's put up with me for nine years. I could wait for a decision. I nodded after a second, getting out of my seat, and walking out the door. Taking one last glimpse of her, I closed it behind me, hoping she'd see through the years of idiocy to see the specks of goodness.