Perfectly Broken

(17) Every Rose Has Its Thorne

"...Sancta Maria, Sancta Maria, Maria.

Ora pro nobis

Nobis peccatoribus

Nunc et in hora, in hora mortis nostrae

Amen. Amen"

After singing, my mother, June, kissed me on the forehead with a tender smile, her bright hazel eyes smiling also. Her light brown hair coiled around her shoulders, my tiny fingers twirling them which made her giggle. "Good night, honey," she beamed, tucking me in.

"Good night, mommy," I returned, already curling beneath the covers. She blew me a kiss from the doorway before turning off the lights.

Who'd have thought it'd be the last time she tucked me in?

I've been staring at the ceiling for a good twenty minutes since I woke up. For a spring break trip, this really sucked. I've been trapping myself in this room majority of the trip and frankly, I was getting sick of staring at white walls. Running my hands through my hair groggily, I forced myself to get out of bed to take a shower. God, I didn't want to face them...face her. However, despite my childish ranting, I knew I had to face reality sooner or later.

When passing the mirror, my fingers ran against the darkened bruise that compressed after two ice packs and an aspirin. The slit in my lips wasn't that compliant to go unnoticed, still somewhat swollen, a scab forming. That damn bastard, I thought. Rage boiled inside me at the thought of my despicable half-brother, Ryan. My thoughts pondered on him, hating every fragment of his existence.

Why the hell does he have to be everyone's favorite?

I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my fathers' mouth.

"Your mother ran off with another man," he muttered, taking another sip of rum. He stared into oblivion, slouching in his recliner. "She's not coming back."

"Dad, I don't understand w—"

"Alec," he said, his voice cracking at the end. For the first time, his dreary eyes pierced into me, looking so lost and hopeless, I didn't know what to make of them. "You know Ryan?"

I nodded. Ryan was a childhood friend who I went to school with and would occasionally invite over to play games. But I hadn't seen him much at school lately. He'd usually come to school with bruises and cuts all over his body. Mom insisted I get along with him, always worried about him and asking about him every day after school. I was split between liking hanging out with him and jealous because mom was giving him so much attention without knowing him.

"Ryan's your half-brother," he informed me. At eight, I understood bother but not the half part. Inside, I was happy that I had a brother, always wanting a sibling, but dad immediately crushed it like a bug between his fingertips. "You're mother...was with his father first...then she had an affair with me—producing you. I told her she could bring Ryan here but she just..." He slammed his hand against the table beside him, the glass shattering beneath the impact, startling me to the bone.

I stood there staring at him in silence, his words revolving in my head like a merry-go-round until it finally sunk in. Mom had another son with another man before me. I was the product of an affair. The happy home I once inhabited no longer existed.

After that, it seemed not only did mom leave but dad did too. Since we lived in a tiny suburbia where everyone knew everyone and their grandmother, word spread quickly about mom leaving us. Dad was ridiculed and to escape it, he threw himself in his work, accepting assignments out of state—out of the country even—leaving me with nannies.

One of the nannies was a woman who'd bring her daughter with her. Her daughter named Julie.

"So glad you could join us," Ryan said when I appeared at the breakfast table. It was only him and Jude at the table.

Rolling my eyes, I took a seat, feeling a headache greeting me and I groaned at the pressure. "Where are the girls?" I asked. I mostly cared about where Emma was. Avoidance was no longer a priority to me. I needed to talk to her before she hated me even more. The thought of losing her haunted my dreams so much that sleeping was more difficult than memorizing pi.

Jude answered. "They ate early and went swimming." I made a plate, the food spread out in a buffet line, half gone. Jude continued to talk, looking me over. "So...why were you both fighting again?"

The question took me by surprise, the fork pausing to my mouth a moment. "We just don't get along," I answered, giving him a charming grin. I've learned years ago when to act like a gentleman and when to act like a brute. So far, Ryan was the only one who knew my brute side.

"Why?" Why do you care?! I wanted to shout but held my tongue. He wasn't on my vendetta list, I didn't have a grudge against him, and so there was no reason to show him that side.

I gave him a chuckle, the same gentle smile on my face. "Um, we—"

Ryan cut in. "I ruined his childhood," he bluntly put it, scrapping the rest of his food off his plate and into his mouth. A piece of me grew irritated that he'd state something so nonchalantly. Jude looked between us, confused. "You can call it a childhood rivalry he insists on extending." I gritted my teeth, hating that he was using this opportunity to humiliate me. A triumphant grin gripped his face when Jude looked at me oddly and I sustain the craving to smacking him. Ryan knew I hated humiliation, I hated failure, and I hated losing!

But most of all, I hated when he broke my two-faced mask.

"T-two-faced mask?" I asked Julie.

She nodded, drawing something in the dirt with a stick. We were in my backyard, her mom preparing lunch for us. "That's what my daddy calls it. It's when you p-pretend to act one way, hiding your...in-in-ten-chin. It's supposed to help you get ahead in life because it's a race."

"If life's a race, then what do you win at the finish line?" I asked, dribbling my soccer ball from foot to foot.

"You get to rub it in people's faces that you won." I liked that answer. From then on, I would practice my two-faced mask, pretending to be one way when I was actually another. I became so comfortable with it that it became second nature to turn it on and off. Especially at school when I saw Ryan.

Since he returned to school, he's been having fewer bruises which made me mad. I wanted him to hurt. When did I become so determined to see Ryan in pain? When he first returned to school and I saw mommy for the first time, dropping him off, explaining to the teacher why he's been absent for so long.

I caught her eyes for a split minute, seeing fragments of remorse when they connected, and she looked away quickly before I could notice something wrong. But I noticed it before anyone. She had a bruise running from her chin to her shoulder, fresh and gruesome. The teacher didn't seem to acknowledge it before mommy walked out.

I immediately blamed Ryan, knowing his father had something to do with it. He wasn't protecting her like I'd usually do, remembering mommy calling me her "little protector." I resented him more and more each day, with every new scar on mommy, my loath for him escalated. However, I just wore my two-faced mask, pretending to hold no grudges, but in the end, whatever he found happiness in, I'd wreck.

He didn't deserve happiness.

He was the reason mommy was going through such hardship.

I can't believe she chose him over me.

After eating, the guys joined the girls in the pool and I decided to bale, staying in the living room to watch TV. Since Emma got well yesterday, she's no longer in her room which meant she could spring up any moment. For some reason, nausea fluttered in my stomach that I'd have to face her again after hurting her like I did. It wasn't intentional, I hated seeing Emma sad.

"Damn," I muttered under my breath, hating that she was on my mind more often. And it always followed with a guilty feeling that sat on my chest until I could hardly breathe. I had to get rid of it and get my best friend back.

"Hey, Alec," Chelsea greeted, taking a seat on the couch beside me. I jolted in surprise, her coming out of nowhere which made her giggle. The last time I saw her, she was swapping saliva with Ryan. I liked this girl. She kept Ryan away from Emma. "Um, I have a question?" She said it rather awkwardly, playing with the strands of her hair.

I straightened, giving her my attention as I leaned back on the couch. "Shoot."

"Well...do you know this girl Ryan has a crush on?" Expecting a question about Ryan and I's relationship again, I prepared myself to answer it simply. But to get a question that could break Ryan only filled me with glee. After this morning's humiliation, I was ready for my daily dose of revenge. "I think he might have broken up with me for her."

Flecks of jealousy glimmered in her green eyes, mingling with insecurity. I've never seen a cheerleader so insecure with herself until I met her. I thought cheerleaders were supposed to be full of confidence. She apparently wavered in that department.

I turned to her with a forged puzzled look. "You don't know?"

"Know what?"

Internally, I smiled wickedly, trying hard to shield it on the outside. I looked at her surprised. "Well, Ryan seems to have been in love with the same girl since elementary school."

Her mouth dropped. "In love? Like, even while we were together?"

I pressed my lips together, tapping on my bruised lips. "I think so."

Her brows dripped in anger I'd never seen before, a scowl on her pretty face. "Who's the little b***h?"

About to tell her it was Emma, I halted my words before they could come out. Did she just call Emma a b***h? At first, I was gonna tell her to hurt Ryan but if she was the type of girl who directed her jealousy on the female party, going after Emma, there's no way I'd let that information slip. I'm all for hurting Ryan but I'd never intentionally hurt Emma more than I already have.

I frowned, turning away from her, now finding her inquisitiveness boring. "I assure you, it's no one of importance."

"Alec, I'd like you to meet Emma Thorne," dad introduced, gesturing towards a meek girl at his side. In his arms, he held a toddler boy who was asleep on his shoulder. "And this is Chase. They're one of my high school friends' children. She's in the hospital for a while so I told her they could stay here until she gets out. Emma will be starting at your school too."

Emma was a pretty girl with light blue eyes and short dark hair, wearing a shy, sad smile in her white sundress. Even while meeting her, the first thing I did was compare her to Julie. Emma wasn't as tall, she squinted a lot, her hair didn't shine like Julie's, and she seemed plain. Either way, if she was the reason dad was staying home longer than usual, I accepted her happily.

She got a warm greeting at school, kids wanting to talk to the new girl. She could paint very well which amazed most of the kids. And then I noticed Ryan looked happier when his eyes fell on her during class.

"Hi, Ryan," I greeted with a fake smile. He hadn't seen through it, I practically using it every time I talked to him. "What're you drawing?"

He focused on coloring, not looking up when he said, "Emma."

I looked at the drawing, seeing a little girl who sort of resembled her. It looked like one of those abstract paintings dad would pay a lot of money for although it looked like a kindergartener just threw paint everywhere and smeared it around. She looked like a jigsaw puzzle, her body with spaces between them.

"Why does she look like that?" I asked, actually curious about the answer.

"Because she's broken."

"Why?"

"So she can be mine. I need to break her."

That sent a wave of distress through me, the girl I barely knew immediately going on my radar. He had already broken mommy and Emma brought dad back, I couldn't let him break her.

Determined not to let him hurt someone else in my life, I glared at him. "Don't go near her, she's mine!" I told him before racing to her side.

"Hey, Emma," I greeted, seeing she was sitting on the pier by herself, kicking her feet in the water. "Can I sit here?" I wanted to be as cautious as possible. This was the first time I've talked to her since I broke her heart.

She looked up at me, her blue eyes void of life which pricked at my heart. "Do what you want," she stated, looking back over the lake.

I took a seat beside her, cross-legged so my legs wouldn't dangle into the water. Taking a deep breath, I let the forest air fill my lungs, preparing myself for a sprinkle of the truth. Just a sprinkle. "Emma, I want to apologize about what happened between us. I never meant to break your heart. I love you like a sister and I like what we have, our friendship. Don't you miss our friendship?"

She stared over the water for the longest, the sun's reflection hitting the water, capturing her attention more than my words. After a while, she nodded but said nothing, continuing to kick her bare feet.

I continued, staring over the glimmering lake instead of on her. "I shouldn't have agreed to be s*x friends because I'd rather have you as a real friend, my best friend. You've been by my side and making things complicated between us could break us, you know?"

Again, she nodded, breathing deeply. Silence erupted between us, a thick tension floating in the air above our head, practically suffocating me. By the way, she fidgeted slightly I could see she felt it too. Time ticked as we sat quietly, listening to the chirping of birds and the rustle of nature.

"...why didn't you say no in the first place?" she asked, barely audible.

A knot formed in my gut but I ignored it, willing to answer her questions, enough to know we were back to our old selves. "At the party, while drunk, you told me you and Ryan were...sex friend." That caught her attention, her eyes darting to me for the first time in a while. "It infuriated me that he'd gotten so close to you behind my back."

"Why?"

"Hmm?"

Her eyes gained a figment of life, unable to grasp it completely. "Why do you hate Ryan so much?"

Emma, her mother, Linda, and I were headed to the hospital so Linda could get a quick synopsis from her doctor. It's been a couple of years since she was hospitalized, visiting the doctors once in a while. She told us it'd only be a couple of minutes then we could go to the bakery to pick out some sweets.

In the waiting room, I continued to fidget, hating to stay in one place for a long time. So I made an excuse to walk around, telling Emma I was going to the bathroom while she read a book. For about ten minutes, I walked around the halls, doctors hardly noticing me in their rush from patient to patient. Then I spotted something—someone in a room.

It was mom.

She was lying on a bed, pale with a broken arm and scratches on her face. I tipped toed in quietly, hoping not to disturb her placid state. It proved to be futile when her hazel eyes fluttered open, head swerving to gaze at me weakly. The gentle smile I've only dreamed about caressed her lips. I missed her. I missed my mom.

"Hey, honey," she smiled. Her voice was so feeble, if it was physical, it'd shatter at my feet. "How's my little protector doing?"

I exhaled, not realizing how heartwarming it felt to be called that by my mom. I rushed to her side, throwing my arms around her which she returned with her good arm. She felt fragile, feeling her ribs through the thin material of her gown. I didn't mind though, haven't felt her motherly warmth in years. She brushed back my hair and without being asked, she sang Ave Maria.

It was soft, soothing, rich, the only strength she seemed to have left. It brought tears to my eyes and I buried my face in her chest, never have cried since I found out she left.

When she was done, I asked, "Can you come home now?"

I looked up into her eyes, pleading for her to come back. I knew why she was in the hospital, I could see it the moment I walked it. She had to come back so dad and I could protect her. However, she shook her head lazily.

"I'm sorry, honey. I have to stay for Ryan."

The name had me gritting my teeth, my hair disguising the fury in my eyes, body trembling. And I couldn't hold in the anger of my motherless years because of him. "WHY RYAN?! WHAT ABOUT ME?! I NEED A MOM TOO! WHY DOES RYAN GET YOU AND NOT ME?!" Burning tears were now running down my cheeks. "COME HOME, PLEASE! YOU CAN BRING RYAN BUT PLEASE COME BACK!!" My tears overflowed and I continuously wiped them away with little accomplishment as more trickled down.

Through blurry eyes, mom trembled in sadness, a tear of her own shedding. Voice cracking, her words stabbed me when she said, "I can't, honey, I'm—"

I didn't listen anymore, running out the room without as much as a goodbye, running to the bathroom so no one would see the boy crying.

I would have stayed longer if I knew that'd be the last time I saw her.

"Before you came around, Ryan and I already had problems with each other," I told her, the most honest I've ever been with her. "You could say he's always been a rival to me, making me feel inadequate, and a failure. So that's always provoked my hatred for him."

"Was it because of athletics or school?"

I chuckled, "Yeah, it was school."

We sat in silence for a while, the noon sun high in the sky above the trees, heating us up. Several minutes passed before she finally spoke again. "I forgive you," she muttered. When I looked at her, I could see her words were genuine. "Honestly, I missed my best friend and it's been weird fighting with you lately. I don't like it."

"I don't like it either."

Gradually, she scooted closer to me and tentatively placed her head on my shoulder like she used to. I placed my head on top of hers, feeling at peace for the first time in a long time. Sighing in relief, I felt myself loosen up, gazing at the mesmerizing scene before us.

I cried by the large oak tree, a couple of yards away from where mom was being buried. Dad had the guts to present himself, standing by mom's little brother, Scott, while a few people in town mourned along. I couldn't accept that she was dead. That the last words she'd ever hear from me were to come home, screaming it only to fall on deaf ears.

Then I saw Ryan marching towards me and I felt myself quake with rage that he'd show his face to me. When he stopped in front of me, eyes sorrowful, all I could do was throw a punch in his face.

"Why you?!" I screamed, taking out all my rage on him. "Why did she have to love you more?!" I punched him over and over again, getting him on the ground with me on top, hitting him uncontrollably. He never fought back, grief probably numbing him to the core.

Then arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me off of him. His face was bloody and a black eye was swelling up rapidly. I hated him! I hardly had the chance to be with her. He had every chance and he never valued it. If he did, he would have protected her.

He never protected her. And if he couldn't protect our own mother, he'd surely let Emma be the next to the graveyard.

Chelsea seemed to be the self-proclaimed chef in the cabin, making dinner for all of us. Emma was in there helping also. It felt good knowing we had mended things between us and for once, I felt relaxed.

"Oh, let's watch a movie while we eat!" Tori suggested excitedly, already rummaging through the movie collection. How someone remained to be so perky was beyond me. I slumped on the couch, for once, feeling drowsy and hoping this wouldn't be a long movie so I could get some sleep. "Alec, as the host, what do you think we should watch?"

This was the first time she's talked to me in a while. I knew she was furious with me about hurting Emma but I think she told her we fixed our friendship, so she was actually speaking to me.

I shrugged. "Anything you want to watch."

She picked out one. "Titanic it is!"

Immediately, I gulped at the name.

"Let's watch Titanic, Alec," Julie urged, pulling me into the living room. Her mom had stopped being my nanny long ago but we still hung out, actually, we were dating. In secret though. Her father was very strict about her dating someone before eighteen. Yet, at fifteen, our romance couldn't wait to blossom.

Julie had blossomed herself. She was beautiful, intelligent, funny, and a complete success, wanting to be class president or vice. She's been homeschooled majority of her life and she convinced her parents to let her go to public school for high school. However, she couldn't date, so she could focus on her school work.

We watched the movie and during the romance part, we became curious, the furthest we've ever gone being intense make-out sessions. This time, we were so curious that we were slowly taking off each other's clothes before realizing it. Our lips were tangled within one another and it wasn't until we were only in our underwear and lying on the floor that we realized we were about to do it.

"You want to?" I asked, knowing wholeheartedly I loved her.

And she loved me too. "Yes."

I kissed her lips tenderly before progressing my way between her thighs. She screamed at the pain but told me to continue, digging her nails into my back. Lust overwhelmed my senses so much I hadn't felt her nails, kissing her to soothe her pain although I was already trapped in pleasure.

Once she finally fell into ecstasy's grasp, our lovemaking intensified, growing hotter and hungrier for each other with every thrust. Then we came together, losing our virginities to Titanic.

"Yes, Leo!" Tori gushed, Emma laughing beside her. "You are the king of the world!"

"So glad he won a Oscar, I was getting worried he'd never get it," Jude mused.

Growing tired of watching this movie, only to reminisce on the past, I got up and headed for bed. Hearing footsteps behind me, I swerved to see Ryan walking down the hall behind me, stopping at my doorway.

I groaned. "What do you want?" I was tired as hell and I really didn't want to deal with his lovesick s**t. "You have thirty seconds to explain yourself."

He tucked his hands into his jeans, tightening his lips in a line before speaking. "I heard you and Emma fixed things."

"And?" I could barely keep my eyes open and my stomach clutched in need of some rest. "If you think I told her the whole truth, then you're mistaken."

He shook his head. "You're not the miracle type so I didn't expect it. I just want to know if you've given up on this silly pursuit to keep Emma from me. Because...I told her I love her and I'm waiting for her to tell me something, anything. So you're going to stop?" God, he sounded like a lovesick puppy and for some reason it disgusted me less than it usually did. It was probably the earlier thoughts of Julie getting to me.

Julie.

I took a step into my room, frowning. "Again, you're mistaken." I slammed the door in his face.

On her sixteenth birthday, I gave Julie a heart shaped pendant that resembled the Heart of the Ocean necklace on Titanic. It was smaller but I knew Julie didn't like long necklaces. After our first time, we loved each other even more. And love came with more arguments.

You see, Julie, who taught me the lesson of the two-faced mask, had one of her own. She was a good girl but she loved to fight, she loved the aggression of a relationship, and so did I. We fought to keep our relationship thrilling and invigorating and I absolutely loved it. And what made it more sensational was that it was a secret, no one knew but us.

Then I made a horrible mistake.

We went to a party, and dunk off my ass, I had s*x with someone else. A girl I thought was Julie but was too drunk to recognize.

"You cheated on me!" she screamed, catching us when she was searching around the house for me.

"Julie, I can explain—"

"Save it!"

She ran away and in my pursuit to find her, she disappeared until I had to give up. I tried to get in contact with her, talking to people around the party, I even called her parents. She was nowhere to be found.

Then I found her in the last place I'd expect: In Ryan's arms in one of the spare bedrooms.

I quickly looked through my bag for some pajama's, grabbing a pair of basketball shorts. It was too hot for a shirt. In the process, I slipped out the Heart of the Ocean pendant I always kept by me since that day.

Laying it on the bedside, I headed into the bathroom to take a shower.

Jealousy would rupture through me each time I saw Julie and Ryan talking, even though it's been years since that night, now eighteen. She had a new boyfriend and I had moved on. No matter, I still loved her.

Then I asked to see her one last time after breaking up with Brooke. She finally replied, asking me to meet her at the park during sunset. Although she had a boyfriend, I knew our hearts were still connected.

"Hey," she greeted shyly.

"Hi," I returned, feeling weird. It's been two years since we cheated on each other. I'd never forgiven Ryan but if I had the chance to get her back, I'd forgive Julie in a heartbeat.

"I'm sorry," we said simultaneously, astounded that we were still in sync. We smiled at each other and the closer we got, the more I noticed she still wore the necklace. I've never felt happier in my life. When I traced it with my fingers, she closed the gap between our bodies, her enticing scent of peaches wafting around us.

It'd be a crime if I hadn't pulled her closer and kissed those lips that always melted me to the core. She deepened it and soon we were hungering for more, needing one another, the addictive spark between us never faltering after two years.

Then she opened her eyes and gasped, "Trent!"

I pivoted around soon enough to see her boyfriend's fist about to knock me out, ducking before it did so. He swung again, failing, then again, failing. He eventually gave up, grabbing Julie's arm roughly. I rushed towards him, trying to rip him off her. Then he actually got a swing, hitting me to the ground so hard I blacked out.

Finally, I crawled into bed for the sleep I so desired. I held the pendant in my hand. When I woke up, it was the only thing I had left of her. Returning back to school two days later, I found out she was missing.

How was I supposed to know it'd be the last time I saw her?