Between Christmas Lights and Shadows

"Thank you, folks. Come again," I said with a sarcastic tone. Looking at the measly dollar tip that the two men had just left me in my section: “the season of ‘giving’, huh.” I huffed. Along with the absolute mess they had left at their table. I'm pissed, I thought. You'd think dogs quickly ran by and tried to take what they could, eagerly, and vamoosed out of there! No. The anger really set in more because I had a goal. I was only $25 from being able to rent a cheap hotel for the week. With the blizzard coming over Christmas this week, I wouldn't survive in my car... and we got paid weekly, so what I had or earned could last me. I felt the angry tears pricking at my eyes. The flash of mom's face rushing through my head — making my heart flutter in a yearning ache. Almost like a scratch, you couldn't quite reach to itch... And it only got worse and worse... I shook off the emotions. I saw a few people come in, but they went over to Charlene's section. f**k. And she wouldn't share anyhow. She was an angry b***h. Mean too. I scoffed, rubbing my sweaty hands on my black apron. Charlene began greeting her guests when Phillip came from the back of the breakfast bar. Making eye contact with me. "Gia! You're cut." No...! "I can stay if you need — ..." I began. "Nah, nah. I have got too many of yous here right now. Go home." I felt a panic bubbling in my gut like a volcano. Where could I even park where my car wouldn't be impacted by the weather too badly? "I just gotta make about $40 more bucks, Phil, come on." He tilted his head at my statement. A sly smirk spreads like butter on his red, sweaty plump face. "Okay... Come here," He motioned me closer. A little ray of hope shined in my heart! I met him where I was about a foot and a half away from him. He lowered his voice, placing a heavy coffee pot on the bar, leaning closer. "I'll — uh — I'll give you 50 if you..." His clammy, dark eyes looked down toward his junk... That's when my heart folded inside out and dropped in my stomach. "You know...." He continued, "Those pretty lips look like they could — ..." Before he could finish, I grabbed the hot coffee pot that Phil had just sat down on the counter while he was talking to me and splashed it into his stomach! "Oh! OW! s**t! That's HOT!" Phillip grabbed his stomach and screeched out in pain! I turned around quickly and went to the register, taking everything I had made today only as well as grabbing my check. "How about you go suck your own d**k, you pervert? I quit," I said, tearing my badge off and tugging my apron off, throwing it at his feet. I grabbed my jacket and coat, and ran to the door. Flipping the bird behind me. He didn't care, I left and Phil kept jumping about in pain, while concerned staff and bystanders watched, from what I could see through the long window until I couldn't anymore. And I just kept walking until I started running. Sometimes I wish I had the capacity to think before I acted. I sat in my car underneath the South Tunnel's bridge, counting up my tips and my now cashed check. I only had 900 dollars. A week at a hotel or off of the Super Stay App would be $400 plus. And I just quit my only source of income. I sighed and let my head fall back onto my driver's seat headrest. Closing my eyes. I let myself fall into my happy place. Christmas 10 years ago. Mom, Aunty, Me and Lola — my sister. We're all sitting around the living room in Grandma's with a tree up and decorated tackily. Music playing, fire in the fireplace. We're all happy. It smells like cinnamon and cookies. My heart felt like it squeezed itself and it ached so badly! To the point I came to from my daze, breathless. Like I was just without oxygen! I looked around, and it seemed darker outside the car. Had I fallen asleep? I checked my phone, and it read 12:08am. Damn, I did. My phone was at 10% too. I sighed again, unwinding my legs and feeling for the keys in my ignition. When my hand found them, I turned on the keys to start my car. Nothing. Nothing but faint clicks and a slight rock to my car that I couldn't tell if it was the hard, cold Chicago wind or the engine trying to start. No crank. When I did it again, it only clicked again. f**k! NO! After a couple more tries, I succumbed to the defeat that washed over my body along with the chill from the cold outside, seeping in. I can't stay here. I thought. Angst beginning to form a ball in my throat. I looked at the locked door handle. It was way too late to be walking around South Chicago this late, with all of my things. Which only consisted of my duffel with 5 sets of pants, shirts, 3 pairs of shoes, and toiletries. My phone is now at 6%. After a moment of being ready to leave the safety of my car, I decided against it. I'd have to make it through tonight and tomorrow I can go to the Labor office and do a day's work for a set amount. And then I'd find a cheap place to stay. Yes... I said, trying to convince myself. I grabbed my larger comforter I'd knitted myself and tucked myself in. Cold chill pricking at my spine and the cold wind rocking my car gently. I just focused on Lola and Mom in my head. We're eating pizza in the kitchen at our apartment we had shared when I was a teen in high school. I was home. I was safe. I wasn't alone. And in due time, I'd lulled myself to sleep. I sat up out of a dead sleep, stiff and shivering. Exclaiming a weak and shaky grunt of frigid discomfort! The Blizzard wasn't predicted to get here until Sunday, before Christmas. It was 3 days early! I put on my second pair of gloves and rubbed them together. I could hear the wind outside still. It was so fast and strong. My phone was dead but the light blue and gray light that was behind the snow on my windows let me know it was early in the morning. I said a small prayer and reached for the keys. I turned the keys. Nothing. I tried again, again, and again. I felt the disappointment creeping in again. I said my prayer one more time. Anxiety filling me as I prepared to turn it. A couple of clicks and stutters... And then my car roared to life! Oh! Thank you so much! I kissed my steering wheel, joy making me tear up! I laughed and tossed my comforter in the back and put my car in drive, heading to the Rec! Thankfully, the Rec was 24 hours. I gathered my toiletries and clothes for the day. I was grateful for this Rec center. It was free as long as you had a library card that was right next door and a student ID. I wasn't a student anymore, but Dallen the security never checked the year on it. It made it easy to keep my hygiene up while living out of my car. I walked up in the cold wind, my body caved in, like if I straightened my spine and neck, they would snap! They were so stunned by the cold! I reached the door and tugged on the handle. It didn't pull open. It was locked! I looked up from my frozen paralysis to see a sign that read: CLOSED Due to weather conditions and repair through 12/29. Happy Holidays! If I were a cartoon, my jaw would’ve fallen through the cement under me! Please tell me this is a joke! I smacked on the doors! “You’ve got to be shitting me!” I was ready to rage! I trudged back to my car, huffing and puffing, maybe a little dramatic but not far off. Once, I was in my car again and locked in. I sat back and sighed. That bubbling anger in my pit feeling stomach. Which I realized was hunger as well… I wouldn’t say 10 years ago that life was perfect either. I wouldn’t even say twenty years ago that it was. But once aunty was murdered, Grandma got sick, mom got addicted to opioids… and Lola… Her pretty, young face flashed in my face. She laughed. “Gigi!” Her voice, a phantom’s cry. Now in my memory. Life just went downhill. And I’ll never forgive mom for getting Lola hooked too. I’d lost my job, my studio apartment, my scholarship because of them — overall my whole family and life at once. Now I was homeless, alone and now unemployed — again. But I’ll take that that was my own doing…. I was shivering in my car. Debating on what to do. My car charged my phone enough for me to look up hotels. After some scrolling and minor history look-ups, I found an Inn about five blocks from me. I put my car into drive and pulled out of the Rec lot, and off toward the Inn. “So,” the hefty and rough woman began before unleashing a smoker’s cough so deadly, I thought she might pass out! “Sorry… so it's thirty a night. We got towels, hot water… The basics. No wifi.” She unlocked the room, pushing it hard and letting it bang against the wall or at least, I thought. Behind it with a sealed-off doorway... weird. The main door slams shut, making me jump. We walked a short distance, her not moving, so I was forced to shove past her. I looked at the small space. A full-size bed, half of a counter next to a mini fridge and a TV so old and the size of a computer monitor, and a bathroom to the right of us with a small standing shower and oddly small toilet. The walls were an old mustard yellow, with a faint white or tan that was super faded out. It smelled like very faint cigarettes and cleaning products. “The bed is new. And the room got fumigated again so no bed bugs or other pests… You basically got the Presidential suite up in here.” The woman coughed and laughed, I actually wasn’t sure which it was at first and which it ended with, and then cleared her throat, “You gonna’ take it or not?” I looked around. Internally sighing and nodding my head. I handed her $210 for the week. And she so professionally shoved it into her bra and wished me a good day. Chicago folk were special. After a couple of treacherous trips outside and back to get my items from my car and the small little array of groceries I could afford without breaking my bank. I locked up and settled in. I clicked on the TV after a shower that was well overdue and made some instant noodles. It was mainly background noise. The weather channel was my white noise. They reported how cold it was and advised staying in. It was a literal blizzard outside. “Some winter wonderland,” I snorted to myself, then picked the rest of my noodles into my mouth. Drinking the warm broth after. Hours passed as I sat on my phone and applied for some other jobs. I stared out the window into the car lot and the train tracks bridge. I needed something fast, I thought. I’d run out of money soon. More of my time is spent now looking in the paper that was left for guests for jobs hiring and fighting off my anxiety when the sudden thought dawned on me. There was money appointed to us for grandma… mom put her in the home but never reported she stopped caring for her. I left my search engine and went to my contacts. The last number I had blocked off my mom’s was a prepay. I hesitated. But then I took a deep breath, pressing the green button to call. It rang a few times. Come on… On the 6th ring, a sudden silence. A long silence. “Hello?” Mom’s tired, raspy voice hummed into the phone. Tears threatened to spill. “Mom?” “Gia, is that you?” She asked, the familiar cheer in her voice was underlined with worry. “Yeah, mom. I um — …” I began. “G, it’s good to hear your voice, honey. I thought of you the other day,” she interrupted. “I was thinking of you too. I hope you’re staying warm,” I said. More so worried she’d spend her money on her fixes rather than the utilities. “Yeah, of course. You too. Where are you living?” Mom asked. I sighed, “That’s kind of what I’m calling about… I’m homeless right now.” Breathe. I tried to relax, shakiness beginning to enter my voice. “And I just need some help… ‘Money’ help.” I finished. Feeling so exposed and vulnerable. “Oh, G… Honey, of course I can help… You can come stay here.” My angst and worry began to feel silly. If I could go home, I wouldn’t have so much pressure! Maybe things weren’t as bad as I’d thought after all this time. “We’ll need a little help with rent, that’s all. At least 2 months upfront.” A laugh of confusion escaped me… “I don’t have a job right now… could I maybe pay it once I get another job?” Oh, no… my anxiety and frustration have begun to creep in. “Oh well, honey, it’s rough, and I can’t have another person -adult at that, just couch warming. And didn’t you have a problem helping out last time we spoke?” Mom asked, in that snide and sarcastic rhetoric-voice because she knew damn well how the last time went. The truth. “I know exactly how the last time went… and if you were truly in a bind like you’d lied about being in while I went to school, it wouldn’t have been a problem to help then. However, I actually am in a bad spot, mom.” I choked on the word mom. Don’t cry. “Well, then, like you ended it last time… ‘I’m sorry I just can’t help you’.” Click. The very sound of the imaginary gun she just pulled the trigger right into my heart. I let my phone fall. More mad than anything that I thought, even for a second, she had charged. That meant Terrence must be the boyfriend she still has… Three years, he’s standing strong. I mean that’s why mom's habit is worse and mom and I are at odds — aside from her own actions. I sighed, straightening my legs and taking deep breaths. Buzzz. Buzzz. I looked down at my phone, its vibration startling me. Mom’s number. I almost didn’t want to believe it. I answered, raising my phone to my ear. “Hello?” And that’s when I heard her. “Gigi?” Lola. “Lo? Hey! Oh my God, it’s so good to hear you.” I meant it when I said it. Besides the differences, my little sister always brought me joy. “I thought that was you that mom was talking to. How have you been, G?” I sighed, “I’ve been better… I’m just happy to hear from you. That you are home and safe.” Last I talked to them, Lola was down bad then. “Yeah… Gigi, I’m sorry about how things went… really. I’m getting clean now. Got a job. Did you need anything?” Tears fell down my cheeks. I suppressed my emotion, pushing it deep down. “I’m just in a rut. Nothing I can’t trudge. I’m proud of you, Lo. So proud.” Silence hung on the line son loudly it was deafening. Lola cleared her throat, “Where are you staying? Because of the winter storms and such.” I laughed, “Some shady Inn or something. I’m on 7th and Creed so, not anywhere I don’t know of. I just never knew there was an Inn here all this time.” We chucked together. “Alright, well, mom wants her phone. I love you, G.” I smiled, “I love you more.” The click was fast. I sat back and stared at the ceiling and its paint that was beginning to crack and peel in some spots. I heard the Christmas song, Happy Holidays, playing merrily from the TV station as it broadcast more weather and news. I let my head turn toward the TV, and now I watched a montage of candid holiday shots of families, babies, and the festivities. You couldn’t get me to ever think Christmas was anything short of the best time of year 10 years ago. Now, I dread it for the weather and because it seems the best time of year to let your family just fall apart. When greed sets in. The pit in my heart throbbed almost of the discomfort and sadness it caused me. I turned back to the ceiling. The heaviness brought on a heavy migraine. So I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. Eventually lulling off to sleep.