The Mirror

It had been many miles from the first time I was arrested. My first brush in was when I was 10. My mom just did'nt possess the necessary skillset to nurture me so when I would have fits, she would let the shrinks just have at it. I have been on some form of antipsychotic or another for about as long as I can remember. I have slept over in temporary state housing multiple times as a kid and yet no one ever stopped to blame the medications. So, by the time I hit puberty, my testosterone monster was Hannibal Lector. I can't dare say the things I have done aloud. But there are times I look back, like now, as I sit here in an orange jumpsuit, for the probably 12th time, that nothing will ever change. And all I can think about is that I just tossed my life away. It's odd that I always have that little tug of anxiety every time this happens, like I might be in real trouble. But it is a joke, this system. And then I go back to my normal routine: 3 hots, a cot, school, gym, work program, then probation, then I end up here again. I am a model prisoner. But I cannot for the life of me exist in the real world without constant friction and conflict... Why? Why do I do this to myself. What the hell is wrong with everyone else, why can't I just be myself. All I hear is that I am wrong for existing. It occurs to me now, that this judge whatever her face is this time, may have read my file. Maybe I should look at my file, since everyone seems to think I am such a specimen of degradation. I wonder if it would even matter to me if I saw what they called my "condition" was at this point. No one ever told me. I'm nothing but cattle. And that is probably all I will ever be. Someone's thing. I'll bet my son's mother is just salivating with joy to post that she is having the best day on earth since she is safe from me. But she will low key post some Pinterest filtered display of female dominance and really- she is just a scared little girl who could never handle a real man and I got sick of her being so needy, and pathetic really. I could never love someone as weak as that. They aren't my equal. What was I thinking, breeding like that. Well, its in my nature. Well.... here we go, judge is preparing to say something. Maybe this time, I can have a stretcher. I'm thinking 3-5 would be doing me a solid. I would be grateful... She is smiling at me. She's introducing herself. She is focusing on my hair. Yeah, whatever. She is saying things to me about myself. I'm 37, I have a past history, I am violent, I am cruel, I am sadistic, I am out of control....Danger to the public...I have not killed anyone yet.. But I am clearly taking advantage of a tax funded system by treating them like a hotel.... Wait...WTF....now I am listening and shutting up.... "In closing, I am remanding you to a private facility that was newly contracted by the State. They have a rehabilitation program that I feel could be mutually beneficial for all parties involved with having to experience any encounter with an individual such as yourself. This is an experimental program and I will expedite your sentence to 48 months, provided you comply with the program, since you already are such a model inmate for your last six stays with the Department of Corrections....I believe there is still hope for repeat offenders, but in your case sir, this will be the last stop. So for lack of a better term, don't defecate all over your last chance. This will be something new, and positive and may potentially impact your life for the better. Just be advised that you will add six months to your sentence for every violation. And it will have severe consequences, the likes of which you have not experienced. So, I wish you luck and Merry Christmas." All rise for the judge..... She was pretty. I liked her. Too bad she is sending me to jail....