New and Unbroken

Once upon time... that doesn't seem quite right. Once in a place not so unlike you are living now a life unfolded like a fairy tale. Allen's Pov I lived in a small town. I honetally hated it, everyone was always in everyone else's business. Now I say small but it was really about 12 000 people which is small, but with that big a number I still couldn't figure out how everyone seems to know everyone else. Espcially my partners father I couldn't do anything without him knowing, and he didn't agree with anything I did, so that was always a fantastic experience. Today I'm at the store picking up groceries, It's a bad pain day but with 3 kids I just have to push through. Did I mention I have fibromyalgia, I so often have to choose between myself and my children. I always choose my kids, who wouldn't . I'm short 5'4" and probably 300lbs, shaved head, and brown eyes. I want to exercise and be healthy but with chronic pain any amount can put me out for days and I can't do that to the kids. As I'm getting the usual milk, eggs, cheese I am sure I can feel someone watching me. I also have pretty bad anxiety so I put the feeling aside thinking it must just be my hatred of public spaces. When I finish grabbing everything I went to self check out. This store recently started craving for bags and they will try and shove everything into as few bags as possible, I'm all for the environment but I would like my bread in one piece. Maybe one day I will remember my cloth bags I roll my eyes at my self, pay, pack the car and prepair to head home. As I'm climbing into the car I'm sure I feel the eyes again, and is that salted caramel I shake my head I'm losing it. I pull up in front of my house, well I say house it's an attached townhouse basically a sideways apartment building. I walk in the front door "I'm home guys" . My kids greet me and I track down my partner who didn't even call out a hello. When I find him he asks "have a good trip?" "It was alright got everything I needed anyway" "Would you mind bringing the stuff inside?" He looked annoyed but got up to help. My partner and my kids bring in the stuff while I start to put it away. While I do this my mind wanders to happier times. Don't judge me too harshly but I used to love my partner, and maybe part of me still does. I could have spent hours lost in his eyes, or just chatting about nothing. Now however I start talking and he picks up his phone and starts reading so he has an excuse not to listen. I've stopped trying to have conversations now (it's lonely). We used to do everything together now when I ask him to join me he just looks angry and say it makes more sense to go myself. He cheated on me a while back and I was scared and dumb I forgave but the cycle seems to have started again. I'm continually being gaslit no matter what it is its my fault, when I express this is a problem it's also my fault that it's my fault. The last straw he grabbed me and slammed me against a wall. Sorry for that I didn't mean to be depressing. You must be asking yourself why I have stayed well with the chronic pain working got to be too much I am looking for somthing lower impact but it's hard when you didn't graduate ( that's a story for another time). He agreed to support me and he has never hurt the kids. I can't help thinking I have to get out me and my kids but I don't know how. I know it seems dramatic but we have been together more then 17 years there doesn't seem to be a spark left. I can't get him to look at me like he used to and that makes me very sad. As I make dinner I am deep In thought and burn the onions, "sigh" I guess I will be starting again. My husband works evenings for a job that pays him to little and expects the world (just one more fight). We are always struggling I don't say much because I'm not really contributing, but I guess I figure that if he is gonna work so hard he forgets about us it should pay enough (money doesn't but happiness but it does buy food). I eat one meal a day, I get no Christmas, birthday, etc.. presents just to make sure the kids have enough. Eating that little I will never figure out how the weight sticks. Just as my mind starts to wander to all the fun we used ro have together the youngest child walks in. "Hey Theo what's up?" "Are we having pizza for dinner mom?" I chuckle to myself pizza is his favorite. Not today, today we are having meatballs. "yay! meatballs" He says and runs off. I finish up the meatballs and place them In the oven to finish. while the cook I go sit on my bead and think about how life used to be. He would never take his hands off me, he was alway touching or kissing me making sure the kids were not in the room but not it doesn't happen if I don't start it. Larger girl or not I'm a se*ual person (the libido of a she wolf I always say). I just want a romantic kiss to turn into an afternoon quickie, to feel loved, maybe even needed. I let out a heavy sigh I'm just depressing myself for now this is my life and complaining won't help. I vow to suck it up and figure it out. I decide ro break the cycle I just hope I'm strong enough.