Highlander Ever After

Anna The sky was gray and bleak, like my mood lately. There was a timid knock on my bedroom door and I rolled over in bed. Angus grunted as my foot hit him. “Sorry boy, you know what happens when you hog the bed.” He shot an annoyed look and I winced as he struggled to stand up. He had to have another operation done on his knee and he was still recovering. “Can I come in momma?” My eyes stung and I swallowed the sorrow that was threatening to overwhelm me. “Come on in Caleb, thank you for knocking,” Angus whined and his tail wagged erratically as the boy Alexei and I adopted came into the room. He grew up like a weed since we took him away from Claire’s friend Maddox. It wasn’t his fault that he did not know how to take care of a child. I learned later that Caleb’s mother was the one who would leave him with Maddox and then disappear for months. Caleb climbed into bed with me and I rested my head on his. “Can we go see Papa?” I didn’t like him to go to the old church by himself. They were still doing some structural work on it and I didn’t want him getting underfoot. Besides, I had the irrational fear that Claire was going to resurrect and steal him away. “Sure, go put some warm clothes on. It looks like it might rain. Also, ask your Baba if she wants to go.” He stopped at the doorway and his little cheeks blushed bright red. “She went riding with Grandpa Felix.” My eyes went wide and I sighed. “Ok honey I’m going to track her down, she knows after she fell off Rasputin she isn’t supposed to be horseback riding right now.” He rolled his eyes and apparently, the kid knew as well as I did that Alexei’s grandmother would not listen to us or her doctor. “Felix tried to tell her they could take the four-wheeler. She insisted they go riding. I’m going to find Sully.” He was staring at me as if he wanted to say something else, concern creased his little forehead and I swear the kid was older than four years. “Are you sure you are alright momma?” he chewed on his lower lip and I stared out the window. I had days where I felt everything, grief, anger, rage, and even guilt. I should have paid better attention to Alexei. Then there were days I felt nothing at all and that was when I grew worried about my mental well-being. It seemed as if I were just suppressing everything like poison and if I just shoved it away to a dark corner of my mind, it could fester in peace. Those were the days I barely climbed out of bed and when I did, I was on autopilot and just went through the motions of doing chores. I hated myself on those days and I hated what I was becoming. This was not the woman Alexei Nikolaev fell in love with and this was not the woman he would want to carry on his memory. It was hard to cope with his death. I also had PTSD from Claire kidnapping me. I was a mess; I did see some people to help with the grief and PTSD. The paranoia played in my mind, though these people could be friends of Claire's. What if they told her where I was? Shuddering, I forgot that Caleb was still watching me. “Momma will be fine; she is just tired.” He didn’t look convinced. I smiled at him and sent Angus with him. He closed the door behind him and I stood up on shaky legs and walked over to my closet. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and cringed. No wonder my kid thought I was losing it. I looked like a mad woman from a Regency novel. My hair stuck up in all directions and I ran a hand through it to tame it. I had it cut when I returned to Holly Hall and I placed the ponytail under a tree with some of Alexei’s ashes. This way, a part of me would still be with him. My skin was very pale and I had dark bruised circles under my eyes. Jer would say I looked like a hot mess and I would agree with him. I picked up my phone to see if there were any text messages from him. I was the one who insisted that he and Daniel go on their honeymoon. I should have taken him up on his offer to stay here. I promised myself I would stop being selfish though. I scrolled through my contacts and my finger hovered over Gregor’s name. He disappeared after reading Alexei’s will and it baffled me. Jer asked that we leave the room so he could read that part of the will to Mack. When I asked both men about it, they were tight-lipped and somber. Which was strange for my best friend Jer, he couldn’t keep a secret if his life depended on it. Sighing, I slipped the phone back into my desk and looked at the picture of Alexei and me from after the Yule Ball. Eugenia had taken it when she came home with Sinclare and she caught the two of us in the library trying to play chess. I never could figure out how to play chess. I ran my fingers over his smiling face and wondered why I never saw the look of pure adoration in his eyes. I knew he loved me and I loved him, but I guess I never knew the extent of it. I played with the ring on my finger. He had it custom-made for me and it was engraved with a Russian vow to love me forever. Tears stung my eyes and I wanted to throw the ring against the wall and scream that forever didn’t happen because he ended up getting sick. Closing my eyes, I swallowed the pain that was aching in my chest and walked out of my room. I had a home to run, people who depended on me, animals that needed me, and a kid to raise. I did not have time to wallow in self-pity like a sulking child. I stopped and saw a picture of Alexei and Caleb and my throat tightened again. Six months ago he was here and now he is gone. Grief is a real b***h.