His (BxB)

Part 18

I wake up to a dim-lighted and quiet surrounding. I blink my eyes a few times, trying to adapt to the minimum light. I start to inspect the foreign scenery around me. There's a whole set of TV backdrop in front of me, complete with a very big flat screen TV attached to it. I think the size should be around fifty inches plus. A clock near the door is currently showing 4.10 AM. There's no light in this room, but there's a small window glass on the door that allows small amount of lighting to get in here. And that's enough for me to tell that the size of this room is quite large. Outside that door is probably a corridor because it is so bright out there.

I guess I'm at a hospital right now, judging by the shape of the bed I lay on and a hanging IV bag beside my bed that's connected to the needle stuck on the back side of my right hand. I remember being shot last night and brought to hospital by William. He is now sleeping in a sitting position on my left. He rests his head on my bed with his hands being the support, facing me. His black hair looks a bit messy. I hold the urge to hand-comb a few strands of hair that are rebelliously spiking up on top of his head. I don't want to wake him up. He must be exhausted that he's able to sleep in such an uncomfortable position.

I take some time staring at his sleeping face, can't help admiring even. But his current face doesn't look peaceful at all. He probably has spent too much energy to feel worried sick about me. I feel a sense of comforting warmth radiating inside my chest. I feel grateful. No one has ever been so caring about me besides my parents. And he doesn't expect anything in return except for me to simply love him, which I find very easy to do. It's not difficult to love someone who's always been taking a great care of you, isn't it? I now realize that I never loved someone as much as this before. I don't even remember being in love with anyone before I met William.

I love him so much that it's starting to hurt now due to the cheating incident. It's weird because I should be feeling angry at him for what he's done with Ivan. But instead of feeling angry, I feel rather scared right now. I'm scared for I have no idea what I should do. I know I'm going to feel devastated if I decide to start to undo all my feelings for him. My heart burns just by the thoughts of it as it is so close to impossible. But still I have to swallow the bitter fact that William never loves me. Yes, I'm aware of it. I'm aware that I'm just too pathetic to be considered lovable. Anyone would prefer Ivan in a heartbeat.

I lift my left hand that isn't attached to the IV line, and bring it up to my face. I wipe the wetness on my cheeks due to occasional tears. But the more I wipe, the more my tears flow. Then a second after, series small sobs escape my lips. This is stupid. Why do I cry so easily?

"Lou?"

William suddenly awakes from his light sleep. He rises from his chair to check up on me. He fondles my hair carefully like it's a fragile object and closes his face onto mine in order to get a better view. I can see a thick layer of worry shielding his tired eyes as he finds me with tearful eyes.

"Where does it hurt, Baby? I'm calling a nurse, okay?" He whispers.

"No." I stop him from pressing the nurse call button near my bed.

"Do you want me to get your dad? I just found out that he works here when I called him last night and he's currently on duty. But your mom's not here. Your dad asked her to just come in the morning because you're still unconscious."

I shake my head, declining his offer. "No need."

Now that I feel a little bit calmer, I put my hand back down which he holds it immediately. "Do you feel any discomfort? Please tell me."

I stare at him, contemplating whether or not I should bring up the cheating issue now. Whether it is the appropriate time.

"Does this still hurt?" I flinch as he gives a light touch on my left cheek. It's probably bruising there. "It looks bad. What did Mikey hit you with?" It seems easy for him to guess that Mikey wouldn't be able to inflict such bruises with only his bare hands.

"It was Ethan."

"What?"

"Ethan hit me before Mikey came and shot me." I briefly explain to him.

"That sick as$hole." He grits his teeth when speaking. "I'm going to f*cking kill him."

"Let him be, William. He didn't do it on purpose." I want him to just drop this matter.

He searches my eyes, probably guessing whether I'm just covering Ethan's fault. "How did you get there, Baby? Why did you wander yourself out to the parking lot? Why didn't you come to me?"

"I did look for you but..." My tears start flowing again without needing for commands. I can see William's face starts to grow panic. Making me cry seems to be on the top of his biggest don'ts list. "William, are you leaving me?"

"What are you saying, Lou? Leaving you how?" He has no idea what I'm talking about.

"I saw you with Ivan." There it is. I can't bring myself to add more description on it. I simply can't because I'm starting to sob.

"Sshh... Calm down, Baby." He fondles my hair again and brings my hand up to his face to kiss it gently. "Just because you saw me with Ivan, you practically think that I was going to leave you?"

I nod to answer. "He's beautiful."

He snorts at my remarks. "I must be losing my mind if I ever choose him over you."

"But..." I try to bring up the cheating issue.

"Listen, Baby." He cuts before I can start arguing. "I'm not leaving. We belong with each other. And I won't allow you to leave me either."

"But what about Ivan?"

"What about him?" He frowns at me.

"Are you going to leave him?"

"That's not necessary. He's not my boyfriend, Lou. You are. And I don't intend to lose you anytime soon or ever. I only want you."

"Then... why're you cheating with him?"

William takes a short pause and gives me a long contemplative gaze before he answers. "Baby, this might be difficult for you to understand. But I can I assure you that I will never cheat on you."

"But what I saw back then wasn't exactly matched with your words."

I swear I can see his cold eyes lit up for a split second when I speak. And it is when I realize that I might say a wrong thing or it isn't the right way to talk to him. Maybe I have to apologize. Fortunately, he chooses not to act on his displeasure and contains it with a calm facade. "What did you see, Baby?"

I'm totally dumbfounded by his question. Does he seriously ask me that? "I saw... You and him doing..."

"Something s****l?" He tries to complete my answer.

I nod at his guess.

"And that was exactly what happened. Some s****l thing and nothing more."

I still don't get it. Why did he even do that? "Do you love Ivan?"

"You don't make sense, Lou. You know I don't." He gives me a curt answer.

"Then why did you do it, William?" I ask in frustration. "How did you say that it wasn't cheating? I don't understand."

"I don't need you to. I told you that it's not going to be easy to understand. That's why you just have to trust me, Baby. I didn't do it because I wanted to be with him or I liked him or something like that. And it has nothing to do with me trying to leave you either. Mark my words, I will never ever leave you." He puts more weight on the never ever part.

He doesn't seem to be lying when he promises me that. But is he going to keep whatever it is he is having with Ivan? "William... would you mind if I... ask you to n-never do it again with him... or anyone else?" I force myself to ask despite of my nervous voice.

He falls silent at my question and eyes me with stern expression. I know I am not supposed to tell him what to do or don't do. But I want him to understand that his s****l activity with other guy does bother me a lot.

"You won't like that, Baby." He finally answers. "I'm afraid you will soon leave me if I do that."

What? His answer doesn't sound make sense to me. Why wouldn't I like something I really yearn for. Moreover, he mentions about being afraid. That's not a regular word in his vocabulary. If he uses it, it means he's deadly serious about it.

"What do you mean? Why would I leave if you could stop doing it with others?" I believe he can feel my confusion right now.

"Because if I stop doing it with others, I'd be doing it with you more and more often." He explains it shortly like it's a simple Algebra. But to me, there's no such thing as simple Algebra.

I am sort of stranded between being confused and embarrassed knowing that we're currently discussing about s*x. A matter that I never find myself very comfortable talking. I think I'm blushing right now even though it isn't really the right time.

"We've been together for few months now, I guess you already know how extremely demanding I am. Most of the time, I can easily use force on people to get anything I want, including sex." He tries to explain from a different angle. "But I can never do that to you. I treasure you so much, Baby. I'm afraid I would scare you away if I ever force myself on you. That's why we only get to do it once after so many months together. I've been restraining myself a lot when I'm with you. And just so you know, I have quite big appetite in regards to sex."

My mouth gaps as I listen to his explanation. It feels like I'm being bombarded with too much information at the same time. And somehow, I remember Mikey saying something like William needs s*x more than anything. Also, Ivan's remarks when he tried to encourage me to have s*x with William, he said William's simply a healthy young man. Now all the pieces of the puzzle seem to fall into place.

"So, you've been doing it with Ivan and Mikey this whole time because you think you would scare me away?"

He nods. "And with some other people also. Because you were virgin, I didn't know how you would take it, Lou. I never had a boyfriend before. You could have seen me as some oversexed freak." He fixes his serious gaze at me. "I really can't afford to lose you."

I fall silent at that. Is he indirectly asking for my agreement to just let him have his way whenever he wants s*x in the future?

"Do I scare you, Baby?" He asks in a deep voice.

I reply his gazing and shake my head. "No. Never." I'm never scared of him. I love him.

"Promise me that you'll never leave." He whispers, closing his face towards mine.

I allow a comforting smile before answering. "I promise I'll never leave."

"And I promise I'll stop doing that with others." He says his promise before he decides to kiss my lips. He does it very carefully for he knows that my torn lips aren't fully healed.

As we part from the kiss, I take my time admiring his handsome face. I see him reciprocating my previous smile with a type of smile that I come to recognize very easily. The smile of victory.

***