His (BxB)

Part 17

I try to move my feet to walk away after realizing that I've been staring at the disturbing scene for a little bit too long. It's not that I want to take my time watching them, I just feel like I don't have the energy to do anything else besides standing still and crying. I can't believe this is happening. I love William so much that it hurts. But I never know that this feeling can also make me feel like I'm being crushed into pieces, together with my crumbling reality. And this is the exact same feeling that has been providing me with a sense of warmth and security all this time.

He never stops making effort to constantly remind me that I've always been wanted by him, desired even. Everything that he's been doing this whole time is trying to convince me that I am somehow important to him. Are those lies? I really want to ask him that. But right now, I can barely even make a sob. I feel suffocated. I know I have to leave right now. Not sure where to go, I just want to be anywhere but here.

I turn around and drag my feet, one step after another, away from that place. I do it silently, not because I do it on purpose. It's because I really don't know how to react right now. My tears are still flowing non-stop and I have no idea how to stop it. I walk slowly and aimlessly, passing near the tent and the table settings. I don't really look at anyone that I come across with. I just wish that no one will notice my tears and start asking.

I know that I've walked far enough as I finally reach the parking area. Now, there are almost twenty cars that parked here, including William's. My heart lurches as his name is being mentioned again in my head. I keep walking, following the row of cars until I reach the end of the row. There's a tall tree near the last car on that row. I stop under the tree because there's no way I can walk any further. This is the end of Jess' parking area.

What am I doing here? I can't possibly go home walking right now, can I? Without telling Jess, she will be worried. And William... William will be furious.

This is the moment when I just break down into tears. No one will hear me anyway. I don't care if I'm now turning into a sobbing mess. I can't hold it any longer. My chest hurts so bad. I just want to cry the pain out of me this very instant. I have no single clue of what I should do. I guess no one would know what to do if the ground that they're stepping on is suddenly crumbling, right? That is exactly what I feel.

"Louis?" Says someone from behind me. I recognize the voice immediately. That's why I choose not to turn around and face him. I don't want him to see me. I stop my sobbing immediately.

"Move along, Ethan. I don't need any of your s******c remarks. Not right now." I counter him bitterly, even though I know it might cost me being his punching bag. Somehow it doesn't bother me as much as usual. I don't even care if he's just beat me to death right here.

"Were you crying?" He asks again.

I give him no response. I don't know how long he's been standing there before he decided to talk to me.

"Where's your boyfriend? Why is he not with you?"

Boyfriend. I think my boyfriend is getting another boyfriend. Of course, I can't tell him that. Not after William parading our make out session in front of him just now. A mere thought has successfully sent me back to crying again. I try so hard to hold my sobbing but fail miserably. Now, I sound so pathetic. And helplessly disgusting. I really want to go home right now.

Ethan slowly closes his distance and stops right before me. I have to look down to hide my face, but he suddenly pulls me into a hug. I freeze in his hug. Since few years back, my body has developed some kind of involuntarily response from the fear of making contact with Ethan. I've been beaten too many times by him in the past. And I don't think I can get rid of this reflex easily.

I shift my body to free myself from the hug. I'm not feeling comfortable being hug like this by someone other than William. It feels wrong and it creates goosebumps on my sensitive skin as I think about how badly William would possibly take it. I place my both hands on his broad chest and try to push his body away. But rather than letting me go, he's tightening his hold on me instead.

"What are you doing, Ethan?" I ask. I have stopped crying by now, but my face is still wet all over. "Please let me go."

"I'm so sorry." He whispers an apology.

"What?" I mean what for. But I think he knows.

"But this wasn't solely my fault. It's yours too." He continues to talk without bothering my question.

"What are you talking about? Please let me go." I'm still begging him to free me.

Ethan's current behavior is very unsettling to me. But I can't really put effort to think about it since half of my mind is busy resounding a familiar constant reminder. I should never let others touch me because William doesn't like it. And I'm utterly clueless as to why I still care if he is pleased with me or not. Maybe it is also some sort of a reflex.

"It's your fault, Louis. We were happy back then." He's still not willing to let go of me. "Why did you have to say it out loud?"

Is he talking about our past? Our childhood?

"We could always do everything together. I could hug you whenever I wanted. We were happy." Ethan keeps continuing. "Why did you have to make it a thing? Why did you have to confess?"

He's talking about the time when I finally broke it to him that I liked him, and I didn't want us to be just friends.

"How could I respond to that? I'm not gay, Louis. I don't want to be called a fag. I only wanted you. Why couldn't you just keep your mouth shut and cherish what we had?"

My mouth is gaping as I listen to his babbling. Does that mean that he liked me as well back then? I guess he's trying to explain that he rejected me because he doesn't want to be gay. But he wanted me.

"Ethan, I think... you're confused." I offer a comment. Maybe he's gay but still in the closet. "Are you sure you're not gay?"

Suddenly, he unfolds his hands and frees me from his hug. And a second after, a heavy force of his strong fist directly collides with my left cheek. It happens very quick. I find myself fall on the ground and the stinging sensation on my left cheek reminds me again of who the person in front of me actually is. He is a bully. Always have been, always will be. And I've had the experience of being his regular punching bag for quite some time.

"I'm not a f*cking fag, you piece of s**t!" He warns me.

Holding my stinging cheek, I try to get up. I can taste an iron-like flavor on the left corner of my lips. My lips are bleeding, I'm sure of it. It isn't the first time I experience something like this. It happened a lot in the past.

"Are you done, Ethan?" I ask with a weaker tone. I guess I'm just emotionally tired. I have a lot in my plate already and I don't wish for him to add more spices. "Please just go, if you are."

He seems to be taken a back as he realizes what he's done. "Oh, sh*t! Louis, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You triggered me."

He pulls me into his hug again. I try to resist but he's too strong. He holds me very tight to his chest while murmuring series of apology. Why is this even happening to me? It's only been a short time that I'm away from William and this happens. Hot tears are starting to make their way across my cheeks again. I really don't want to go back to being unhappy again. Am I asking for too much?

"What exactly do you want, Ethan?" My question sounds more like a whisper. I wipe my tears with the back of my hand.

"I don't know." He answers right away. Frustration runs thick in his voice. "I just want the old us."

He's obviously confused. But I don't think I can be any help to him. He has to win his own personal battle regarding his sexuality and his social image himself. "You know that's not possible. We're grownups now."

He doesn't give any response. I'd like to think that he understands that also. There's no way we can be as close as before without being seen as gay couple today. Moreover, people know already that I am gay. It will be impossible for him if he insists to never being associated with anything gay. Besides, I'm still pretty scared of him.

"Can you please let go of me?" I plead. It sounds ambiguous, I know. But I really want him to free me from the hug and his uncertain feeling. He has to make a decision.

"And then what? Let you be with that rich boy? Do you actually love him? Why are you even alone now?"

"Ethan, this isn't about him. You don't even know what you want." I try to respond as calmly as possible. I don't want another blow to be directed onto my face again just because I trigger his anger.

He stays silent. Probably having no idea on how to answer that. He gazes at my eyes with a deep expression. I don't know what he's thinking about and I refuse to return his gazing. It makes my skin crawls to even look at his eyes. I'm not sure whether I feel uncomfortable because I fear Ethan or the possibility of William finding me like this, in the arms of another guy.

Without any warning, Ethan suddenly pushing his lips onto mine again, just like yesterday. I push him in reflex, but he doesn't budge. I hate that he keeps doing confusing stuffs like this. It's a meaningless gesture. What's the kiss for? He can't even answer that.

"Wow! Look what I found here." Someone speaks from behind me. His voice is thick with mockery.

Ethan parts the kiss and the hug hastily, of course. We both turn around to look at the person. My gut feeling says this is going to be bad news. Oh, no. Mikey is standing ten feet away from us for God knows how long already. There's a smirk of satisfaction drawn on his face.

"Aren't you the luckiest w***e ever?" He throws a question at me that doesn't need answer.

At this point, I feel like being trapped with nowhere to run or hide. I know that whatever excuses I make will definitely be used by him against me. So, I choose to stay silent. He won't even take a pity on me if I consider to beg him to leave me alone.

"Why would you settle for just one guy if you could have many more? Right, Louis?"

"Hey, you misunderstand, okay?" Ethan tries to reason. He has no idea that it's going to be useless. Mikey has been holding too much grudge and hatred towards me.

Mikey chuckles at Ethan. "Who would've thought that the infamous Ethan Lynch turned out to be falling for his bully target? Aren't your both lives so interesting? You could make a good cheesy novel out of those."

Ethan doesn't talk back. I can see worries coloring his face. He's worried that Mikey will spread the news of what he witnessed just now. The hugging and kissing.

"What do you want?" I ask calmly, trying not to sound trembling. I can't figure out what's the worst thing that he could do to me and it scares me.

He laughs at my question. "What do I want? You freaking know exactly what I want, b***h!"

Slowly, Mikey rises his right hand to show something in his grip. He points the shiny thing in my direction. Is that a g*n? My eyes open wider at that sight. My breath is hitched for a second in my throat. I have to force a gulping motion to clear out my respiratory track. Has he been holding that thing the whole time? Is he coming to this party with a sole purpose of using that thing on me?

"M-Mikey... Wh-What are you doing?" I can no longer hide my fear. My voice is trembling.

"Hey, do you want to go to jail?" Ethan tries to make him reconsider. But I don't think he will listen.

"I f*cking hate you."

That is his final words before I see him moving his finger to pull the trigger on that thing. I hear a very loud bang before finding myself landed harshly on the ground at the next second. I instantly feel an excruciating pain radiating throughout my body without knowing where the source actually is. Grunting in pain, I writhe my back slowly until I can feel the asphalt ground under me. I can't feel anything but pain.

"Louis!" Ethan rushes towards me. I can see an utter horror in his face as he kneels beside me.

"Just die already!" Mikey snaps at me. He hasn't left.

"HELP!" Ethan screams as Mikey is about to walk closer. "Somebody! Help!"

Mikey stops in his track and looks at the tent's direction. The gunshot was so loud. People in the tent should hear it despite of the party music. Moreover, Ethan is calling for help. They can't be ignoring those. I guess someone is really coming when I see Mikey is proceeding to leave this place. He turns around and runs away as fast as he can, leaving Jess' neighborhood.

"Louis, are you alright?" Ethan's probably shaken, or else why would he ask me that?

I give him no reply. I barely have the energy to talk. Currently I'm just trying to control my breathing and not to lose consciousness. I can hear some people come running closer and get shocked when they see me. They start speaking something like 'Oh my God. What happened?', 'I heard a gunshot', 'Is he shot?', 'Call 911!' and so on.

People are all gathering around me. And somehow that makes me feel suffocated. I drag my hand up to my chest and move it to my shoulder. I whimper at the pain as I touch my left shoulder. I guess that is where I'm shot. Mikey might have missed his shot.

My eyes start to get blurry as I see someone comes closer after passing through the crowd of people who are surrounding me.

"Baby!" He shouts by the time he sees me.

It's William. There's a noticeable tone of worry in his voice. Does he still care about me?

"What the f*ck did you do?!" He pulls Ethan's a little bit away by his shoulder. He probably accuses Ethan to be the one who causes me pain since his position is the closest to where I lay down.

"It wasn't me!" Ethan denies his accusation. "Someone shot him. It's... Mikey or something."

William doesn't seem to care too much about his defensive reasoning. He quickly kneels beside me and motions to lift my body. I groan in the process. My left shoulder hurts so much I almost cry.

"Please hang on, Baby. We're going to hospital." He whispers those words to make me calm.

I feel my body being lifted by William and brought to where his car is parked, leaving everybody else behind. He slowly puts my feet down before opening the car door. Once he settles me in the passenger seat, he hastily gets into the car and starts the engine. He drives his car as fast as he can. Thank God it's in the middle of the night. The road is clear. I hope the hospital isn't very far.

"...hurt." Erratic small sobs escape my lips. I'm losing my breath. So, this is what it feels like to be shot.

"Please stay with me, Baby. We're almost there."

***