Dear Father

Things fall apart.

CHAPTER 2: THINGS FALL APART

Shortly after the funeral I was ready to go back home to my mother but I was then advised not to by my cousin because I apparently was supposed to travel with her and a few of my other cousins to ‘Joni’(Johannesburg) where my father lived. I was caught off guard because nobody had told me about the trip and it seemed like I had no say I was going whether I liked it or not I’m not even sure if my mother knew. The time came to finally travel to Joni and since my cousins all knew about the trip they had packed enough clothes whereas me on the other hand only had a few clothes because I was set to go back home to my mother in just a few days. I was however reassured that I’d get clothes where I was going. We then travelled to Joni and life as I knew it changed then forever.

I come from a poor background that I’m not ashamed to admit, all I knew was playing and doing my homework after school and as a child you don’t really pay attention to what happens around you as long as you played and had something to eat before bed and that was my life until this one day…I still remember it like it was yesterday my mother was unemployed, there was no food in the house I remember her making pap and frying onions for me while she had pap and salt and while as a child I didn’t quite understand the situation she looked at me and said ‘’vusiwana byi ta hela nwananga’’ which basically means if I am to directly translate ‘’being poor will end my child’’, it was that particular day that it hit me that surely not everyone lives like this something isn’t right.

Let’s ravel back to me being in Joni everything was so different I got introduced to so many things that I didn’t know like pizza, burgers a flat screen tv that played all channels just all things that I didn’t realize were lacking where I was which they weren’t because back home I had love. The trip had its ups and downs I met my step- mothers first born we didn’t click initially we even fought physically I was an angry and confused child. After spending some time in Joni the time came to leave and I was ready as everyone else was however they allowed me to pack but when the time to leave came I was called to my dad and step-mothers room and told that my mother wanted to speak to me I ran to the phone and my mother didn’t waste any time she asked me if I wanted to stay behind by my dad’s and go to school there, I immediately responded with a yes because what else could I say as a ten year old who was just showed a different side to life than she was used to. Little did I know that a simple ‘yes’ would then go to change my life forever. I didn’t fully grasp what that yes meant for my life and I soon realized.

The trip was during the December school holidays so when the decision was taken in January they had to find me a school. I understood English but I couldn’t speak it but I could read and write it, the only language I could speak was Tsonga which unfortunately a lot of people where I was didn’t understand and were honestly not open to it so I’d try my level best to speak at least English so that I could get friends because all the kids my age at the time could speak English and other languages. As if that wasn’t enough at home now only my dad spoke my language my step- mom and my step- brother spoke xhosa/zulu so that was also a challenge.

So the time came for me to finally get a school my father was so excited and so hands on he was literally going up and down ensuring that I got a school and not just a school but a good, eventually we got a school however because I was all the way from the village they made me take a test to check if I knew my English and maths and I passed with flying colours. So in me passing meant I could go to the grade my previous school promoted me to. So I’m in a new school now everything is different all my teachers are white it was probably the first time I saw white people that close. I remember this other encounter with a girl in the early stages of my being in the new school, she bullied me verbally with no shame she told me that my lips were too big and that I had a big nose long story short when she realised I was doing well academically she all of a sudden was kind because I could be a possible hand that ‘fed’ her. After my first day in school there were days I didn’t want to go I’d literally cry on my way there but after making friends it got better well at least more bearable. I eventually got used to the new way of living so much so that I started forgetting my own mother brutal I know, it’s not so much of me forgetting that I had a mother I just got used to not seeing her because every holiday when I asked to go see her they refused and gave me excuses. I remember this one time the first time I saw her after the big move I was allowed to go visit my aunt in Limpopo so because she wanted to see me she came when she had to leave I cried so much that’s when I think now looking back the child in me was longing for that mothers love again my step mom was trying but she wasn’t my mother and the bond wasn’t the same, this meet up was in 2010. I saw her again in 2012 for a short while again it was less emotional. The living situation by my dad’s wasn’t the best my father is a very strict man, barely smiled it was always his way or the highway. My mom and dad’s separation only affected me when I got to live with my dad because things would happen and I’d get reprimanded and I’d wonder if would be the same if my mother was around. Now that I think about it even when I lived with my mom I’d wonder what it would be like if my dad was around because to me he was an angel, I saw no faults in him until I got to live with him. My father was my father when no one else was around and it was just him and I he’d ask me about school- work, help me schoolwork and whatever else I needed but as soon a someone else was there he’d go as far as telling me to go to hell. I very vividly remember this day like it was yesterday. I was going to a high school that paid school fees, so every month my dad would either pay himself or give me cash so that I paid myself so this one time he gave me cash in the morning so I could go and pay my school fees because my school was very strict and harsh to non-payers. He gave me the exact amount I needed to pay no extra change for sweets or anything and I got to school and paid the fees. Fast forward to afterschool many times I had to wait for him to knock off and work and come pick me up at the library where I would wait for him. So as I entered the car I felt tension and immediately my dad’s spokesperson(wife) asked me if I had not received extra money in the morning as my dad’s money is missing. I replied and said no and immediately my dad’s speech returned and he said I was lying because his money was missing and that I am the only one that’s responsible or that I was the only culprit. Under normal circumstances I’d just keep quiet and accept however I refused to be silenced and I replied and said ‘’ I did not take your money’’. All hell broke loose from this point as he now got very angry was shouting while he’s driving and lil old me is also shouting back because I did not take his money. We almost had an accident however by the grace we made it home I’m baffled, him and his wife remain in the car and he’s still shouting and I heard him say ‘’she can go to hell’’. Words I’ll never forget. To summarize the story I went to the courtroom also known as their bedroom and my dad’s wife was the only judge she was telling me that she knew some guy who has a mirror that can show her things and she would go to him and things would not end well for me. I advised her to go to the guy because I had not taken their money. Days later she came back to me and said she had a dream and it showed her who took the money and it was my little brother and that my father said ‘’sorry’’. ‘’sorry’’ was the apology I got, during that whole scene there’s a day I went to school and I broke down in class I had to tell the teacher what happened and I couldn’t even finish a sentence without crying the teacher offered me the money and I refused and said they’d say I was returning the money I took and I hadn’t taken their money. However all I got was a ‘’your dad said sorry’’.