Dear Father

The Big Change

CHAPTER 4: THE BIG CHANGE

As I am writing now, I was writing then, the only difference is that I would mostly write with a pe and paper and whatever I wrote was for my eyes it was usually to vent or was coming from a place of anger and hurt. I never expected words I had written in my personal book to be read by somebody else, but she read it. She did. All the anger and hurt I had penned down because I had no one to talk to and felt no one would understand 6 pages of slander she read it. I find this out as I’m being made to pack my bags to go visit my aunt something I never requested but because I was no longer a ten-year-old little girl I knew it was planned I just hadn’t figured out what the reason was. I however wasn’t upset about it I loved going to visit my aunt. The day of my leaving to my aunt arrived and my dad would be the one to accompany me to the bus, so he did. For the first time in a long time, I got to see my dad smile and he did so as he was waving goodbye to me it was almost as if he was relieved that I was leaving, happy in fact. I almost shed a tear in the bus but ‘big girls don’t cry’ I held it in. I arrived by my aunt’s and because I had my suspicious of my visit being planned, I decided to search through her phone she barely locks it, I saw what I needed to see. There it was my dad asking his sister to call me and ask me to visit, I felt objectified for a moment. They felt like they could toss me around as they wished. Unbelievable I thought, maybe a part of me was hoping it wasn’t true, but it was. I then decided to ask my aunt what was happening, and she explained to me that my dad’s wife, I call her my second mom but for the purposes of this book my dad’s wife will work. So, my dad’s wife had apparently mentioned that I had written a letter of some very horrible things, which I did but it wasn’t an open letter that I left under her door for her to read I’d never want anyone to see such. This was something I wrote in pain and left it like that in my book I had even forgotten about it. However, this is when I got the confirmation that in fact, she did read it. She read it. I decided to call her and ask, she told me those words hurt her, but she had forgiven me. Confused as I was, I took those words as they were. This year then became my gap year and since I hadn’t seen my mother in a long time around May I decided to go and see my mother. This then added to the problems that were already because apparently, I was supposed to ask for permission or rather wait until I worked before doing such. I couldn’t wait, if something happened to her. The guilt and the pain would be carried by me, forever. I did what I needed to do in terms of getting a university, funding and all I needed to ensure that the following year I would be studying and fortunately, a university accepted me, and I got funding. My gap year went by quickly mostly because a lot happened in that year, I even met my first love in that year. That’s a story for a different book. The year for me to finally go register for my studies arrived, I was very excited as anyone would be. I had to now travel from my aunts to my dad’s so that on the day of registration he would drive me there and stand with me in the line like other kids. Or so I thought, what a dream that was. The complete opposite happened, my father personally called me to let me know that his house wasn’t an option for me, I then went to ask my aunt what the reason was. I was told it was because I went to see my mother and they don’t want me to go back to their house with muthi that could possibly break my dad and his wife up that I’d be given by my mother. Let’s pause for a minute and discuss the meaning of muthi. ‘’Muthi’’ is basically a portion, either love portion or one meant to cause harm. I was in complete utter disbelief of what I was hearing because the last time I checked my mother didn’t deal with such, I knew she wasn’t capable and not because she’s, my mother. However, that was the accusation that came up. I left it as it was and got on the bus to Gauteng, Johannesburg to be specific at this time my father was still willing to come pick me up. This woke up a bit of hope in me I thought maybe he’ll drive me to his place maybe he’s changed his mind. However, when they arrived to come pick me up, my father was even scared to touch my bag and so he didn’t. We then were on our way to in my hopes my dad’s place but after a while I noticed that the road, we were on wasn’t leading there and I was right he drove me to where my university was and booked me a guest house and got me food and left. I remember crying myself to sleep because I couldn’t believe I was sleeping in a guest house in a place id never been to instead of my dad’s house. However, it was my reality. The next morning came, and it was my registration day, after everything I still had hopes of my father being the one to hold my hand in the next chapter of my life but that didn’t happen. I thought he’d wake up early to drive so we could go together but he didn’t. he instead called in the morning and told me that he’d uber me to the university, then later told me that the uber wasn’t available so I’d have to take a taxi. I was in a foreign environment I didn’t even know where to find taxis I asked the manager of the guest house to show me and she did, bless her heart. I got on the taxi to what would now become my home for the next 3 years being the university. When I arrived, I immediately noticed that I was the different one everyone else came with their family and I was just by myself. It was that day that I realized that I was alone and the sooner I accepted it the better everything would be. I went about registering and fortunately later in the day my dad showed up and helped me settle in the residence that I was allocated in, days later he brought me blankets pots etc. I then went and settled into my varsity year mid-year before exams my father came alone to motivate me to do my best in my exams and that he’d get me something if I did pas the exams. I did just that and June of that year I went to my dad’s place but left within days.

The year that rocked us all then came being 2020. I hadn’t even settled into my second year when the news broke that the first case of covid-19 had been reported in south Africa. This was around March I thought I would stay in res because I assumed it would blow over in a week or two, another dream. When all my friends had left, and the university switched off the Wi-Fi I realized I couldn’t stay in the residence anymore. I called my father to come fetch me. And he did, the ride home was great we were speaking about this whole covid situation and what it could mean for the country and the world. We arrived home everyone was happy to see me. The president announced the first lockdown everyone was happy because again we thought it was something that’d last a week, but it didn’t and after the first lock down I had to now be introduced to online learning, my university still wanted to save the academic year. I was studying financial accounting and contrary to anyone else’s belief you can fail while having book right in front of you. Accounting is a course of understanding. However being at home I was expected to always be free to do house chores because I was studying online meaning I could copy which was true however I’d still fail if I didn’t understand what I was studying in order to pass and online learning became more difficult than I anticipated so I decided to dedicate all my time to my books and when I took breaks I would then either eat or try to clean then back to my books. My stay was proving to be better than I expected by my dad’s house, until a certain morning I remember it like it was just yesterday on this day I decided that I would first clean before anything else because I had a test, it was a taxation test. My dad and his wife were out, they came back before I was done with cleaning they arrived when I was washing the dishes, so my dad first called my step brother to the couch and spoke to him briefly then called me to the couch as well and pretended to be kicking both myself and my step brother out the house but because I wasn’t slow I immediately realized what was going on and I went and packed my stuff and watched my step brother pretend to be packing as well and before I knew it we were in the car driving me to the bus station but because it was already passed 10am there were no buses available to travel to Limpopo so the next option was a taxi my father with urgency walked with me to the ATM to withdraw money that he had sent me. He then walked me to the taxi asked me if I wanted any food I said no and that was it. He left and never wondered what time I’d get home he didn’t even bother calling to check on me along the way. I arrived at Limpopo at 1am as the taxi only took off around 6pm after sitting at the rank since 1pm when I arrived. It was on that day that I told myself that I’d never=er allow this man to ever hurt me again. This is when the numb phase started, and I decided to keep my distance because every opportunity he got he made sure to show me that he didn’t want me to be around his space.

CHAPTER 5: FORGIVING

Where do I even begin forgiving? I haven’t even received an apology. I started going through a phase of hatred I had concluded that I didn’t have a father anymore because why would he do such to me. If anyone mentioned him, I’d become very upset. This went on for almost a year where I’d declare that he didn’t exist. I then decided one day that for my sake, for my I had to forgive him this proved to be more difficult than I had hoped. This is when I started to pray for God to remove the resentment and help me to forgive not for him but for myself because wherever he is he’s not worried about what I’m doing or even how I’m doing. I even decided to go to therapy and would talk about the situation and how it made me feel. At this point the relationship was so bad that even if I called he wouldn’t pick up and didn’t even want to come pick up my clothes at year end when we had to move out of the residences.