My Sweet

LIV

"Morning Liv. How you been doing?"

Doctor Anmar Nielen ask.

I'm here for my weekly session. I don't know why. I'm still f****d. I still feel guilty. I still wish I didn't leave him.. That's my only regret.. JAMES!

"I'm good.. Everything is just great!" I'm over selling it and the good doctor knows it.

"What's the problem Liv? Still feeling guilty?"

"Yes.. I know it's irrational. I still think if it were anybody else she wouldn't have done that. Then I feel guilty for leaving him.. My brain is tired. My heart is tired.."

I rub my chest again..

Anmar watches me..

"You went to the doctor for that chest pain?" She points with her pen.

"You know it's psychological. No GP can help me with this. " She nods her head and scribbles something..

"Let's talk about the first part of that sentence. Have you ever thought what would've happened if it weren't you in that car? Let's say James had another girl with him, do you think she would've done the same to save him? Or you both for that matter? He could've been dead if it weren't for you.."

That sinks in. No, I haven't thought about it like that.. What if it was Candy, would she have done the same..

My heart hurts just thinking of James dead in the car.

"It's understandable that you would pull back from a similar situation that didn't end well years ago. There is a reason you and James survived. Why would you hold back if you know what the outcome could have been... You think that you bring out the worst in situations."

Nielen watches me intently, make sure that what she just said is sinking in..

"You saved him Liv."

"He said the same thing.. 'you saved me, again'" I remember what he said

"Again? What did he mean by that?" she asks

"I don't know. I never asked.. I miss him. I want to call him but he has moved on.. I really don't know how to deal with that.."

I rub my chest again.

"Mmmm. I'm going to show you something.." She stand and take two TABS out of the desk drawer.

"Never saw you as an gossip girl, doctor."

"We all have our little obsessions.. "

She put the one magazine on the coffee table in front of me..

"Here is a photo of you and James.."

It's one of us on the blue carpet.. He looked so handsome and dapper. He was hot..

"Here is a photo of him and Candy Flax. Yes, that's her real name.." She give me a smile.

"Look at these photos.. Really look at them.. What's the difference?"

"His dates.." I say quickly. I really don't want to look at him and Candyfloss..

"Yes that too.. Look at him.. Really look.."

I look. First, our pic.. We are looking into each other's eyes.. I'm standing in front of him.. His hand on my naked back.. We are happy.. We look so carefree and content.. We look in love..

I touch his face like I always did.. I miss that special smile. My smile..

I look at him and Candyfloss.

He looks pained.. troubled.. dark..

Shit..

"You see it, don't you?"

"Yes, you not making me feel better.."

"That's just it. Does this look like he moved on? That doesn't look like a happy man. If he did move on, then you can let go.."

"Go home, take some time and think about the life you could've had, while you are mourning the life you put on hold."

"Thanks doc.."

I leave for my happy place.

~

I sit on Chris’ bench. It’s the bench we usually sat on and watch the people in the park. This is where I talk to him.. Where I b***h and moan.

Yes, sometimes I swear I hear him..

These last 5 months he was really pissed at me..

Today, I don’t feel him..

Today, is not a good day..

I’m sorry Bee. Why can’t I feel you?

OK I know.. I know you are pissed about James.

I thought it was best to leave..

I don’t know why I didn’t call him again..

OK, OK!! I’ll call him.. Jeez! You still a pain in my arse..

I love you Bee..

That’s how it sounds in my head. If Anmar hears me she’ll lock me in the loony bin ASAP.

My phone is vibrating like crazy with emails, voice messages and missed calls.

Back to reality..

I run into my bookstore. Em is standing at the counter, busy training our new employee.

“It’s about bloody time! I’m itching to look.. I didn’t, but next time I’m not waiting!”

It’s our favorite part of the week. We look at all Katie’s outfits in all the magazines, then we call her and have our girl time..

“Can I just look at my messages. My phones been going crazy all morning..”

“Probably Katie. She called me to ask when we going to look.”

I roll my eyes.

“Then let's do that first.. They can wait another 30 minutes.”

"Well Katie I have to say.. You did great.. All these looks fantastic!"

Em and I are praising her..

I go to the next page..

I froze.

"Shit.." is all I can get out.

There he stands. With Candyfloss in his arms. He has a big goofy grin on his face. My smile, my special smile.

The magazine put a big circle on her left hand, there is a big ass rock on that finger. I didn't even read the headline. I can't. I don't have to. I can see it on his face..

"Oh hell no!" Em shouts when she saw what I'm looking at.

"What? What's going on?" Katie is concerned.

"Katie, look the next page. Is James and Floozy-pop engaged?" Em asks before I run for the hills.

"Oh f**k no! Liv, you know these magazines. They like to make up stuff. Please, don't give up on him.. Please.."

I calm down. Of course! Katie would know.

"Yes. I know.. It was just a shock to see him.. With her, like that."

"I bet.. I know for certain he is not taking her to the gala tonight. I think it is over.."

These two are still chatting away. I'm still looking at his beautiful face. My beautiful smile.

This could be me. It should be us!!

Stupid, stupid woman.

"You two can finish. I have a call to make.." I wink at Em. Her eyes go big when she realize who I'm going to call.

I close my office door. I hear the two squealing.

I tried his cell twice. It just keeps giving me a busy tone. The man must be busy. I called his office. Rachel says he ran out of there without a word which is not unusual these days.

Shit, maybe he is with Candyfloss.

I'll email him.

As soon as I log into my email account I see a lot of mails from no other that the man himself. I'm having heart palpitations. My smile is so big my face hurts. I feel myself flush..

I scroll down to the first one...

FUCK! I broke him.. I f*****g broke him.. He said so himself..

You selfish f*****g b***h!

The tears starts to flow.

Em burst into her office. Shouting on her phone.

"She read it! You stupid man! What were you thinking! You are on my shitlist James! I'm watching you."

She throws the phone on the desk.

"I'll be waiting outside. You call me if you need my Liv.. I'LL CUT YOU O'BRIEN!"

I'm so shocked at what I've just witnessed.

I take the phone.

Deep breathe.

Put the phone at my ear.

Close my eyes.

Please God save us..

"Hello." I whisper.

He gasps.

"Hey Sweet.."

My heart starts to beat.

My blood is on fire.

"I'm sorry for that mail. That's how I felt at that moment. I wanted to delete it but pressed send.. I'm so so sorry.."

"Well it's true. I was selfish.. I thought I was protecting you. All I did was hurting you. Us.. more than a gun to a head can.. I'm so sorry I put you through all that.."

I hold my breath.

Please forgive me

"Never thought I'll hear your voice again..

The darkness it gone, just by listening to you breathing.."

"My sister's pen cup is bright pink."

That's all I can think of.

"What? What do you mean?"

"I've never noticed. I mean I know it's here. I know the cup... It's the first time I see it's bright pink.. You bring the color back.."

"f**k Sweet.. How are you?"

"I'm better.. Still working on some stuff but I'm good."

"Can I help you? I want to help you.. I need to help you.. Is there something I can do?"

"Yea. Call me everyday. Or when you feel like it.. Hearing your voice gives me hope"

“ Everyday.. I promise..”