My Sweet

JAMES

"Ahh f**k not again! I've been to a party thing last week. I hate that f*****g stuff."

Days like these I wish I had an Aiden again..

Mandla and I are a great team but neither of us like the PR stuff.

Then again, there isn't much I like since Liv left.

"You have to go. That's where the business are. You want me to call Katie for a dress for Candy?"

I give Rachel a f**k you look after that question.

"Rachel, stop your s**t. You know how Katie feels about Candy. I won't be taking her, anyway." I grumble at her, I don't have the strength for her.

Candy is... I don't know what she is.

She's not a friend.

We don't really talk.

We don't know each other, really.

We use each other for publicity. We most definitely not having s*x. The opportunities were there, but I just can't..

I'm in permanent darkness.

I don't taste anymore.

I don't see color, everything seems dark or grey.

People laughing is like nails scratching a chalkboard..

I'm moody.

Nothing excites me.

I work, eat, drink and sleep. That's the cycle of my life. Over and over again.

Everything is bland

My sweetness is gone.

With my Sweet..

"Why don't you just call her? It's been 5 months already.." Rachel been whining the past two weeks..

"5 months and two weeks.. SHE LEFT! SHE CAN CALL!!”

I snap at Rachel.

“s**t, I’m sorry.. I don't know if she is ready yet. I don't want to set her back." That's my reason everyday.

The real reason is that I won't make it if she tells me she moved on.

"Ask Katie or Em.. They are itching to meddle.. Then Mandla and Em can go on too.."

"Mandla and Em? Are they serious?" How did I that.

He never told me he is serious about her. Sure he didn't, I've been a shitty friend.

Fuck, I need to get my s**t together.

"Just talk to Mandla.. Maybe he knows something. Please just do something. This limbo, zombie state of yours are getting old and frankly I don't like you most of the time.. He is in studio 1.." Rachel is a saint putting up with my s**t. She gets the brunt of everything.

She is the only one that doesn’t take my shit..

"What's he doing there? We don't have a recording, do we?"

"He is hiding from you, can you blame him?"

I really need to get my s**t together

"Hey man." Mandla is gauging my mood. Hell, I feel shittier.

"Hey brother.. f**k man.." I don't know how to start. I rub my face with frustration.

"What's wrong? You look more troubled than usual.. I didn’t think it was possible."

"I need something from you and I'll understand if you don't want to get in the middle of this.."

"Well I would say yes but I'm not into men. Not even a run in with your crazy ex could turn me. You’ll have to get laid by yourself." He teases me.. I actually smile. A real honest smile.

"He smiles! What can I do for you?"

“How is Liv? I… I just need to know if she.. She with someone?”

My heart hurt when I utter those words.. I can’t think of anyone touching her.. Tasting her..

Mandla gives me that million dollar smile.

“Em says she’s good. She doesn’t talk as much.. She doesn’t laugh as much. She’s practically just like you are now. Except with her kids, they are her joy.. And no, there is nobody.. Not as far as I know..”

“That’s great news..” I say relieved.

“I don’t know what to do? What to say? I miss her so much, the next moment I want to hit my fist through the wall.”

“Email her.. Then you can get a feel of where she is right now. And you won’t say anything you’ll regret..”

“I can do that.. Thanks bro. Sorry for being such a sour puss..”

I say to Mandla while walking out..

I sit at my desk. Watching this bloody line blink, like he is taunting me.. I’ve started the email ten times already..

I open my drawer, take out the framed photo of us. It’s when she accompanied me to the awards.. She looked beautiful. We look at each other with love and wonder..

I put the frame back and start again..

My dearest Sweet,

Please, please, please come back. I’m lost without you. I want to die without you.

WHY!!! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!! YOU PROMISED ME A WEEK!! YOU OWE ME!!

You filled me with hope, I took that leap with you and you broke me.. You made me have faith in something I’ve never really knew.

YOU LEFT ME!!

YOU LEFT US!!

YOU GAVE UP ON US!!

I LOVE YOU

I love you

I love you

Come save me again

I’m dying..

I’m dead inside..

That’s what I want to send. I want her to feel as s**t as I do.

No, no I don’t.

I just want her back in my life. Even if she is 13915 km from me. Yes I checked. I check everyday and it’s still the same distance..

Let’s try again…

Delete…

Oh s**t!!!!

I pressed send!!

Shit!!!

I’m done!!! She’ll never talk to me again!!

Fuck!!