The Broken Mirror

Can't Help Falling In Love (A Thousand Years)

Space. I had wanted space. Now, I don't want space, and he does. I selfishly just want to spam his phone with text messages and call him twenty-four hours, seven days a week. What really upsets me about this is, when did I become this girl? I didn't sweat men. I cared about music and parties, obviously drugs, too, but that's not something to care about. This is what I was trying to avoid.

I don't know why I wanted space. I was scared. I don't even know what I feared. Possibly getting what I've been wanting, which was him? But why would I fear that? Maybe, because it sounded too good to be true. Maybe I feared that things still hadn't changed. Now I am staring at my phone waiting for a phone call or a text message. I literally go into our conversation and the last text I have is him telling me to go outside.

A woman obsessed is all I can describe myself as. Apollo's graduation was at the end of June, I barely saw any of it, because I was busy looking at my phone. I even used my social media pages, to see what he was up to. Stalking his every move. Ethan said Xavier would talk to me, again, but when? How much space says that it's over? Xavier did not say he needed space, Ethan did, maybe Xavier just did not want anything to do with me.

The only peace I received from my obsessive thoughts came when I was at the studio recording or dancing. My father was planning a showcase in the middle of August with music execs. He was hoping for my first record deal. He wanted me to do everything I can do, play my guitar, sing, and even dance. All this pressure was testing me. Testing my resolve. Could I stay sober?

It was time to start working on the tattoo on my back. Roberts, along with Gabrielle, worked on my back. It was painful, but I was ready for it. I did not need Gabrielle to hold my hand as much.

"So, how do you know when it's over?" I asked Roberts. Gabrielle has not wanted to talk about it with me since she is stuck in the middle.

"Can we not have this conversation?" Gabrielle answered before Roberts could say anything. She sat on the bench watching him go over the details in my back. He loved how interested she was in what he was doing.

"I need to have this conversation with someone. I get that I broke up with him before I went, but then we had s*x, and now I'm confused," I tell them. I swear I can hear Gabrielle's eyes roll.

"It sounds to me like it's over," Roberts says to me. My heart sinks. "A man knows what he wants."

"Don't give advice to my best friend about my other best friend," Gabrielle snaps at him. "He does this."

"But I'm sick of this whole 'space' s**t. What the hell is that?" I ask her. Gabrielle starts laughing.

"The same s**t you wanted. You wanted space, and now you have it and it's driving you insane." She is right, I cannot be upset. I pushed him away, but I was done with space.

"I don't want to give him--- damn Roberts, are you trying to rip my skin open!" I yell at him. Roberts ignores me and keeps the needle going, not stopping. Gabrielle looks me dead in my eyes.

"Then f**k his space," she says to me. I look at her completely confused. "I don't care that he is my best friend. f**k his space. You two belong together. I need a movie night." That was one of the things we were missing on. Movie night. Her working made it hard, but when she had time, we had to do it at my house, and it was not the same.

Hearing the guys groan, us making inappropriate jokes and replaying the scene where Baby and Jonny have s*x repeatedly because what they say to each other is what anyone wants to hear, we couldn't get at my house. Instead, we had to watch once, and we had to be quiet at a certain time.

Roberts finishes up my second session. It looks more like the sketch, but it is still not complete. Only one wing has all its details. Gabrielle drove me this time. I was down for the mission of f**k Xavier space. Yet, I was still anxious, I did not know how he would respond to me being in his home.

She pulls into her driveway and his truck is missing. I can feel the anxiety slowly subside. He will still walk through those doors at some point. He will see my red-hair and know it's me. I follow inside the house and I see Ethan and Kristin sitting on the couch. He's rubbing her feet. She jumps off the couch and runs to me.

She throws her arms around me and her baby belly making it hard for her arms to get a close hug. I yelp in pain and she backs up. "Si! I'm so sorry! What is wrong?"

"She got a massive tattoo on her back," Gabrielle informs the two of them. Ethan jumps over the couch.

"Let us see!" Kristin says quickly.

"Kris let her breathe," Ethan tells her. He turns to me. "...but let us see." I lift my shirt to show them my incomplete wings. They gasp.

"Wow! This is dope! What made you choose this?" Kristin asks me.

"I didn't exactly choose this," I inform her.

"What are we all star---," I hear Xavier say, and just like that anxiety takes over. I didn't hear the door open from all the commotion. I drop my shirt quickly and turn around to see him. I bite my lip from the nerves. He stares at me. Yup, still mad. "El, a word." He walks into the kitchen and Gabrielle follows behind him.

"Let's watch a movie!" Ethan says, trying to distract me from the verbal lashing Gabrielle is probably getting from Xavier. I sit on the floor while Ethan and Kristin sit on the couch surfing through Netflix to find a movie for us all to watch. I can hear Gabrielle and Xavier's voices rise.

"I f*****g live here, too, and pay as much rent!" I hear Gabrielle yell at him. "I'll have over whoever I want!" Any louder and their neighbors would be able to hear. Ethan turns on a movie and I try and focus on what is going on screen. Gabrielle storms out of the kitchen and sits on the floor next to me. She grabs the pillows and blankets and throws it over us.

Xavier exits the kitchen and heads to his bedroom and slams the door shut. I look at her, and she does not say a word. "Are you sure you don't want me to leave?" I ask her.

She looks at me as if she could kill me for asking. "f**k his space, remember?" She answers. I nod my head. I look up at the hallway where he disappeared. I don't even know what is going on in the movie, because the tension is high, even though he's not even in the room. At some point, Ethan and Kristin leave us and we turn on our constant.

"You are staying over," she says to me. I nod my head. I do not want them fighting over me.

Bedtime comes and I lay in Gabrielle's bed. She goes to sleep quickly like she normally does. I sleep until the hour I need water arrives. I don't want to get up, because it means I could possibly see him. I fight with myself about it. If I get up, I will see him, if I don't, I can forget sleeping. I stare at her ceiling. Needing sleep wins and I crawl out of her bed.

I quietly go to the kitchen and the light is still off. That is a good sign. I walk towards the kitchen and I poke my head in to see if he is just drinking water in the dark. He's not there. I walk in and go to the refrigerator to get water. I open the door and grab one quickly. I don't even stop to drink it in there. I make a mad dash for the kitchen entrance and bump right into him. Damn it!

"I...," I was about to apologize, and I stop myself. We glare at each other for a moment and I push past him to get to her room. With quick steps, I make it back to her room with my almost crushed water bottle. I lay down in her bed on my side. Tears fill my eyes. I'm still not going to be able to sleep tonight.

I'm exhausted but work on my demo must be done. I stand in the booth recording the only song that was not a love song. We hired an orchestra and they play the beginning of Bram's Symphony No. 3, III movement. My band begins to play with them, with Tyler being the lead violinist. He's capable of playing anything with a string. The song sounds delightfully haunting as I hear my vision come to life. My voice seems to reach new heights, as I sing the song that describes my battle with drugs.

We record it once. My father saying, that he does not think it could get better. We all listen to the rough take and it sounds incredible. Tears of joy and relief fall from my face. Tyler hugs me as we listen. I can tell it meant just as much to him, as it did to me. We plan to go out to eat after we are done, but I need to speak to my father first.

"The last song, done. And I am one proud father," my dad says to me. I smile at him. "Now for the showcase. We have a call out for dancers, and I am planning all the details, but I am going to have to get you a manager soon."

"You think I'll get that big," I ask him.

He nods his head as he takes a seat near the soundboard. It's just the two of us. "Yeah, I do. You embody music."

"I know this sounds crazy to ask, but you and mom reacted to what happened differently. If you could not physically do something, you threw money at it, and now all of this. Music and drugs are a bad mix, and I am more likely to join the twenty-seven club, like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse. Why have me pursue this?"

My father does not scoff at my question. He looks me dead in my eyes, I search them trying to understand. I watch as his eyes filled with love and adoration. "When the accident happened, they let us know you were dying. Then we lost Calypso, and the possibility of losing you was still high. But you survived. Then you struggled with guilt and the drugs and I realized I was still losing you. I could not lose both of my girls.

"Music has always been my lifeline and I knew it was yours. If I gave you back that lifeline, maybe you would fight for it, but I see now that is not what drove you. It has helped sustain you, but something else is what keeps you driven to succeed."

I knew what he was talking about. I did not even want to touch music, but someone opened my heart to so much and allowed me to care about the things I loved, again. That love has taught me that I need to love myself for it to work, for it to be, everything. I got up and hugged him. What's the point of having a purpose if you do not love? It's redundant.

I leave the studio and Tyler is waiting for me, so we can go eat. I get in the car with him and we head to a Greek restaurant for dinner.

"How is everything going?" He asks me as he takes a picture of his food, while I decide to dig in immediately.

"Why? So, I can talk about the person you hate?" I respond. He laughs as he bites into his lamb gyro.

"I just know, I would not be doing to you, what he is doing," Tyler says to me. I take a sip of my soda ignoring his comment.

"How many times can you push someone away?"

"You smacked me twice, and look I'm eating dinner with you," he laughs. I shake my head at him.

"You're also a masochist," I joke. "If you must know, I feel like it's time to give up and move on. Maybe go back to my no boyfriend policy. I just know I did not feel like this, then."

"You want to bring back that girl? She was fun," he responds. I shrug my shoulders. "Yeah, but she came with a lot of craziness," he adds.

"That she did. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm going crazy and foolish because I stare at my phone when I'm not doing anything music-related. Or I'm talking about it like I'm doing now, and I've never done this before," I admit to him.

"As your friend, maybe it is time. Now, I know someone who would love to move on with you," I laugh at him and shake my head no. "It was worth a try, but seriously. You are torturing yourself. You got clean to come home to mope after a boy?"

Thanks, Tyler, for making me sound absolutely pathetic. But he is right. It's July. We have not been together since March when I left for rehab. It's time to move on. This is the moment I realize; Dr. Bryce was right, I could not get clean for him or anyone else, but I needed to do it for myself if I wanted to stay clean. I would have been off the wagon by now. I have a promising career and friends, most of my family supported me, I don't need him.

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It's time for the monthly meetings with my mother. We have a new location today, by my mother's request. I walk into my father's den, back to the scene of the crime. My mother sitting in a chair and Dr. Bryce waiting for me to take my seat. I smile at her as I take my seat. For the first time, my mother does not stare at me with daggers.

Dr. Bryce talk for a minute, usual pleasantries. "Your mother thought it would be a great idea for you both to talk here. Unlike before, I am just here to be a mediator. You two will lead this session and I will intervene when things go negative."

"As in I cannot attack her, again?" I joke. Dr. Bryce looks as if she wants to laugh but she shakes her head no.

"I'd prefer that," my mother answers me. I tap my feet on the floor, really wanting to pace, so instead, I chew on my lip, nervous to what this session will be about.

"To get this discussion going, and the goal of being an understood, we need to rip off the band-aid. I think you two are ready for it," Dr. Bryce instructs us. "Siren, share with your mother how you felt when you woke up and she wasn't there."

"It's happened often," I told her.

"Then talk about it all."

I look at my mother directly in her green eyes. The same green eyes, I have. "Abandoned," I answer flatly. She holds my gaze, no discomfort in her face, no anger like she's ready to hear the bandage rip off her skin. "I woke up the first time, and I was alone, dad and Apollo show up, and they give me this excuse that you are devastated, and I didn't question it. I just wanted you there, though. However, with every missed visit, I began to feel like you abandoned me because you wished I had been the one to die."

She looks down when I say the last sentence. "I resigned myself to the fact that you hate me," I pause before I continue because those raw emotions are bottling up within me, the same ones that have caused so much damage. The emotions I needed to be numb from. "You wanted to bash my head into the floor when we fought and knowing you want that, I wanted you to do it."

My mother sighs, trying to hold herself together. She looks back up at me. Her eyes filled with pain this time. "Dr. Bryce has been pressuring me to talk to you...I..., I have not been honest with you, or Calypso, or Apollo, even your dad." I look at her quizzically.

"Addiction is a curse in this family. After hearing Cookie talk about her dad and herself, I realized I haven't been honest with anyone, including myself."

"Mom, what are you saying?" I ask her. She looks like she is about to lose it when I say, mom.

"When I married your father, your father's mother made it her mission to try and destroy me. I cried every night because of that woman. I started getting really anxious," she tells me. I knew my father's mom, was an evil old b***h. "Scared of what she might do to me and I began to develop panic attacks and they were so scary. Tyler's mom, Roxanne gave me Valium to keep me calm and it was amazing and then she brought me to her parties and there were so many drugs and---."

"You're an ADDICT?" I shout. I'm not accusing her, I'm just in shock.

"Yes. I don't hate you. I have never hated you. You were my baby, still, are. It's just you are so much like me, and I hate me," she tells me, the tears beginning to pour out of her eyes. "I made you feel like Calypso was the one I loved, and I love you both. She was the one I wished I could be like. When she died, it was like hope died. I know I can't lose you either, but seeing you suffer, I knew it was my fault."

"So, this whole time, you allowed me to suffer... on my own," I accuse her.

"Siren hear her out. I could see she had an issue the first day of family therapy," Dr. Bryce says trying to calm me down.

"I was high when I tried to bash your head in. I'm always high. When I looked at you, I didn't see you, but me. I wanted to kill me. I figured it was best you continued to hate me after that. I don't deserve to be your mother," she confesses to me. Our cheeks are soaked in tears. "I have been struggling to stay clean for the last few weeks. So, I am leaving after this for rehab. Hoping to be out in time for Apollo to move here for school and your showcase."

I get out of my chair and walk over to her. I squat down in front of her. She looks at me, waiting for me to do something, and I'm waiting to see how should respond. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm everything at once, but I know she does not need any of that. Instead, I wrap my arms around her. "Mommy, I love you."

I don't where she got the strength, but she grabs me, and I practically fall into her lap and I hold her as more tears come forth from us both. Dr. Bryce eventually leaves us alone to talk further, but it was mainly tears as we apologized for being assholes to each other for the last two years. This forgiveness thing, this unconditional love, pure love, is liberating.

My mother leaves for rehab with Dr. Bryce. The puzzle pieces to the destruction of my demons all coming together. I needed to hear that. I needed to tell my mother I love her. Healing looks different for everyone, but I am just happy to be able to heal.

                                                                                         -     -     -     -

With my mind even clearer, the showcase is now my only focus. I am singing covers of songs, my original work, and doing some modern dances to a couple of songs. My band, singers, and dancers hold my hand as my dad leads us in prayer before we start rehearsal. When We say amen, Tyler pulls out his phone.

"Si! Say whaddup to your fans!" Tyler yells at me. I block my face from the camera. "Don't be camera shy! You can't be a star without a social media presence." I begin to laugh and wave at his phone. "Sing a little something for them."

"Take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you," I sing to his phone. He whistles.

"Woo! Siren Alexander, ya'll!" He yells. I push him.

"Get to your guitar!" I yell at him. He stops recording and messes with his phone before going over to his guitar to start playing. We rehearse for the next few hours. When we are done, Tyler takes a selfie with me, we are both absolute sweaty.

"What's the caption going to be?" I ask him as we begin to walk out.

"Sweaty music," he laughs. I roll my eyes at him. When we get outside, he pulls out a cigarette and tries to offer me one and I turn him down. "Wow, you cut everything off. I wish I had that much strength."

I want to talk to him about what my mother revealed, but it's not my place to speak to him. "I didn't see the point in using something that would ruin my vocals."

"You didn't care before."

"I didn't care about a lot before."

"Wanna grab dinner," he asks me. I shake my head no.

"It's movie night with Gabrielle," I respond to him. He gives me this exasperated look.

"You are just torturing yourself!" He says to me. I throw up my middle finger as I hop into my vehicle. I drive to Gabrielle's place and everyone is home, I can tell by the cars in the driveway. I go to their doorbell and ring and Gabrielle opens the door for me with this bewildered look on her face.

"Gorgeous?" I ask her. She shakes her head at me. I walk inside. My body still feels like it's coated in sweat from rehearsal. "Okay, can I at least take a shower?" I turn to see everyone sitting on the couches staring up at me. The only person missing from the room was Xavier. "Reason for the awkward stares."

Brittany walks over with her phone and replays my stuff on my social media page from rehearsal. I shrug my shoulders.

"Can I take a shower now?" I ask them.

"You moved on with Tyler?" Gabrielle finally says. I stare at them all like they are crazy. Reasons not to use social media. I burst out laughing.

"Are ya'll deadass right now? He's my employee. Also, a childhood friend," I explained to him.

"Yeah, but last time we heard, he wanted you and you hated him," Gabrielle explains to me.

"Wow, I didn't know I wasn't allowed to forgive my childhood friend. Now, I need a shower, because I've been rehearsing for hours," I explain to her and leave them to their suspicions. I head to their shower and take one. I contemplate even staying here and just going home. I cannot run from this. I know nothing is going on, and nothing will happen. I change into something comfortable and put my hair up. I go back out and there is pizza sitting on the table that just arrived.

Ethan is at the door paying while the girls are already tearing into it. Kristin has her own box of pineapple pizza, that she is eating to her heart's content. They all look up when I come over to grab some. When I walk over, their eyes do not follow me. I turn around and realize Xavier was behind me. Yup should have gone home. He sits down on one of the recliners and grabs a slice of pizza and ignores that I'm even there.

We all eat silently, but awkwardly.

"There is an interesting movie on Netflix with that girl from Disney," I suggest, pretending like everything is normal. They look at me like I have two heads, except Gabrielle.

"That sounds like a good idea," she says. I smile at her and relax into the chair as if nothing is wrong. She turns on the movie and it helps to kill some of the tension in the room. My phone vibrates and I pick it up. It's Tyler sending an idiotic meme and I giggle a little bit. I respond to him to go to bed. He responds with a pic of him pretending to sleep and I laugh harder.

I look up to see them all staring at me, well Xavier is glaring at me. Geez, a girl can't even text? I put my phone away, pretending as if nothing happened. I turn my attention back to the movie and watch it quietly. This was the quietest we have all watched a movie and that could be because of an elephant in the room sucking up all the oxygen.

When it's over we all go to our rooms quietly. Gabrielle sits quietly next to me.

"Tyler to me is how Xavier is to you. He was one of my closest friends as kids. We grew up together. Our moms are friends. He got my love for music," I explain my relationship to her without looking at her. Both of us staring at her vanity dresser that faces the bed. "I felt betrayed by him. But while in rehab, I realized I needed to be forgiving if I was going to forgive myself."

I see her turn her head and I look at her. She nods her head as if she understood.

"Goodnight gorgeous," she says to me as she gets up under her sheets.

"Goodnight beautiful," I respond. I get up under the covers and I feel Gabrielle push her butt against mines. "Hey!"

"Move your fat ass," she says laughing.

"Lop off your massive t**s, first," I kick her back laughing. "Love you!"

"Uh, huh!"

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I look over to see Gabrielle peacefully sleeping. I need to see if this is a medical condition or something. She also needs to invest in a mini-fridge, so I had cold water at night. I am not even going to fight myself on this. The longer I wait, the longer it takes for me to go back to sleep.

I walk into their kitchen and go straight to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water. I drink it back like I've been trapped in a desert somewhere. I hear footsteps and I knew he was coming. He steps into the kitchen and I move over so he can grab the water he needs. I toss the bottle into recycling and go to walk out of the kitchen.

"Were you going to tell me about Tyler?" He asks me. I smirk and turn around to face him. Showtime!

"Tell you what? I don't owe you any explanation," I answer him. The cold anger I'm now used to seeing appears on his face and I welcome it. His hazel eyes look like they are frozen and I'm here to set him ablaze with equal anger. I walk closer to him, smirking at his anger, reveling in it.

"So, you move on that quickly?" I begin to laugh at his question.

"That's what you're worried about? That I moved on? You won't speak to me, but you're worried that I'm f*****g my childhood friend?" I ask with the angriest laugh I could muster. His jaw clenches staring me down.

"Are you?" He asks me coldly. I give him my best Cheshire cat grin.

"Wouldn't you like to know," I answer him. He turns from me and throws the bottle of water across the room. It hits the kitchen window and I am a little shocked and amused by his display of anger. "That answer was worth the response."

"Be honest with me!"

"No! Just like I don't get to have space when I need it, you don't get to have answers," I yell at him. "What did you want me to do? Walk back into your life like the wilting flower that you were hoping I was?"

"I don't see you as a wilting flower. I just...!"

"You just what? I needed time to be alone when I got home. I realized that while I was away. I'm sorry that I did not tell you, but I had to do that for me," I yell at him. "For me!"

"What is going on in here?" Xavier and I turn to see Ethan, Kristin, and Gabrielle standing at the doorway. I look at Xavier, contemplating how to answer.

"Teaching him how forgiveness works," I tell them, before turning from him. I walk past them and head back to Gabrielle's room to go back to sleep.

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Tyler listens to me complain about the night before as we make our ways to the tattoo shop for the last session. When I get there, Gabrielle is already there, giggling with Roberts. When I see them, I fold my arms across my chest and stare at the two of them. "You two look cozy." She smiles at me, but her eyes say she's been caught.

"He was just showing me how the needle worked," she explains. "You're late."

"No, you're early," I respond to her.

"Okay! Let's get this show on the road," Roberts says pointing towards the cover. He and Tyler walk out, so I can disrobe the top of my body. I lay back down on the table. Gabrielle sits on her usual stool.

"So, you are not even going to explain? I thought Roberts annoyed you," I ask her. She looks at me.

"Assumptions. We are both artists. You can't say anything, when you're hanging out with the guy you swore was your sworn enemy," she replies. I glare at her. She glares even harder. I begin to squint my eyes at her.

"I'm not stupid," I finally say. "My assumption is not the same as your assumption."

"Really? Why is Tyler here?"

Roberts and Tyler enter the room. They can tell that Gabrielle and I have had probably the oddest argument. I shake my head at her. There is no confusion on my part when it comes to Tyler. Roberts begins work on the second wing. We all talk to each other, but Gabrielle treats Tyler like he's vermin the entire time. He tries his best to ignore her comments, but he lets slip some shots at her. I highly doubt they will ever get along. When it's over and it's complete, we all admire Roberts' work. It's beautiful. I feel like Nike can finally take flight.

"My outfit for the showcase cannot cover this up," I tell them. They nod their heads.

                                                                                           -    -    -    - 

I stand in the center of the rehearsal space my band and dancers have been using for the last few weeks. They are watching me rehearse Can't Help Falling in Love. I planned on singing this and while a male dancer danced around me. I play my guitar to the beloved Elvis Presley song. I found this new arrangement of the song that is breathtaking. Tyler plays his violin to accompany me. As I sing, we reach the part where the music stops and I keep singing, removing my guitar.

I reach out my hand for the dancer. He wraps his arms around me as we sway to the song. When I finish singing, and the band continues to play until the last chord of the song, I begin to set myself up to dance to A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. The backup singers take their places as I dance with the male dancer to the song. Our bodies moving in sync, creating visual art. It's my favorite part of the whole performance. We create shapes and movements that express the song.

The moment the song ends, I hear clapping. I look up to see Xavier standing there. The male dancer releases me from his arms. Everyone in the room looks at Xavier, astonished by his presence. They don't know how he got in here, because you must have permission to have access. I try to read his expression, but I am drawing a blank.

"Take five everyone!" I yell. My hair is in a messy bun and I'm in a sweaty leotard. They all get up to leave. I see Tyler hesitate. I wink at him and he nods to leave the room. "Who let you in? I need to know, so they can get fired."

"I don't think you'll fire your father," Xavier responds. My father and his meddling. I walk over to my water bottle and towel and wipe off the sweat. I look at him waiting for him to speak, raising my eyebrows signaling him to start. "The last song you sang. Do you have a recording of it?"

"Yeah, on my phone. Why?" I ask him.

"I want to hear it, again," he tells me. I roll my eyes and I get my phone out and pull up the song. I go over to a speaker and pull out an auxiliary cord to use. I plug it in. When I turn around to face him. He's right behind me. "Dance with me."

"We're going to just dance?" I ask him.

"Just shut up and dance with me," he says. I give him my hand with a glare. He pulls me to him, and he sets us up to dance the waltz. I give him a curious look. He begins to dance around the room.

"When did you learn how to do this?" I asked him, highly amused. He smiles at me.

"Back in April. I know you like to dance, so I wanted to make sure I could keep up," he answers. I smile shaking my head.

"But a waltz?" I ask him.

"It was ballroom, I figured you knew it," he says laughing.

"I know it because I was a debutante thanks to my other grandmother," I tell him. He laughs. He spins me out and brings me back to him. Pulling my body closer to his. For a few minutes, I forget we have been fighting. I forget that he's been an unforgiving asshole for the last two months. Listening to the words, and the familiar feeling I've been aching for months for is back. The comfort of his arms. He spins me, again towards the end of the song and pulls me, so close, that I can bury my face in his neck. The song slows down.

I look up at him and begin to sing with Christina Perri. "I have died every day waiting for you.

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you. For a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more." He kisses my forehead.

"And all along I believed I would find you. Time has brought your heart to me. I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more," he half sings to me, trying not to sound awful. I don't care, he could croak through the whole thing, and it would have sounded beautiful to me. I run my fingers through his hair and bring his face closer to mines. He closes the distance and kisses me.

"I missed you," I say to him when our lips part.

"I missed you, too," he quietly responds. We stay in each other's arms for a few minutes longer. There is a lot that needs to be said and I cannot forget how these last couple of months have played out.

"Meet me at my house later." He nods, knowing that we need to talk.

                                                                                                 -    -    -    -

I step out of my bathroom, needing to remove the rehearsal sweat off my body. Xavier sits on my bed, waiting for me. A towel is the only thing that covers me.

"Did not expect you here already," I tell him.

"I didn't want to waste another minute," he explains. If that's not the best way to explain the last couple of months, us wasting time. I walk over to my vanity and find the mirror that I made in rehab and bring it over to him. I sit on the bed next to him in my wet towel. He takes the mirror and studies it. "What is it?"

"I told my therapist about Calypso's mirror in the beginning. I told her about how I stared at it wishing to see Calypso's face, but she showed me that that's not why I was doing it," I look down at the mirror. "I didn't want to see my sister's killer. I saw a monster when I looked at the mirror."

"You're no monster," he says to me.

"I know that now. She broke the mirror intentionally. Showing me that I was broken and then she had me put this back together with what I wanted to see." He studies the words on the mirror.

"When weren't you beautiful?" He asks me.

"Beauty that is only skin deep, is not beauty. How beautiful could I really think I was if I viewed myself a killer?"

"That's what I mean, you have always had a beautiful soul," he answers. I rest my head on his arm as he continues to look. "Talented, that I will never doubt."

"That was not a wanting. I see it, it's the one thing I'm sure of."

He continues to look at the next few words. "These other words, goddess, defender, victorious, loved, you were already these things. I could see all those things when I met you."

I bite my lip wanting to kiss him, but we have more to discuss. "The first three words describe my middle and last name. Alexander means a defender of people. My middle name means goddess of victory. I used to be proud of my name, of who I was, and these evil kids bullied me into hating my middle name. Nike," I say to him. He looks at the handle to see that there is not an N, but the name is spelled out.

"The mysterious N," he quietly says.

I get off the bed, the towel somehow stays on my body. "Love, I didn't know it was available to me, until this year, and then when I had it, I didn't feel deserving, like the other foot would drop and I'd lose it all. I went to rehab with the intentions of getting better so I can be the woman you deserve. I found her, but you were right, I was still scared," his eyes meet mine. "There were no more barriers to use to push you away, and I think I was more scared of getting real happiness with you then I was of losing you."

"You could have said that to me when you got home," he says to me. I shake my head no.

"I couldn't because I didn't know. I just knew I needed to process what I was feeling. Hope is scary," I explain to him. "I learned that I have lived in guilt for the last couple of years. I could only experience love unless I forgave myself and I knew I needed to forgive others. Love, real love, allows for mistakes," I say to him. He looks at me, realizing I have turned the conversation on him.

"It's hard to forget what people have done to you," he says to me.

"No one is saying forget. But holding onto that anger, it destroys people. It's not the secrets, it's the holding onto bitterness. I remember saying that I was nothing like your mother, but that's not true. She is so bitter, because she has not forgiven herself, and you all push her away. I was able to do what I've done so far because everyone stood by me, extending forgiveness."

"She almost killed me," he shouts.

"I killed my sister, yet you love me anyway," I answer back. "Do you know that my mother and I have reconciled? She is in rehab right now," I tell him. He looks at me in shock. "The same kindness you show towards me, you need to show towards her. I only say this, because I see the same bitterness in you and we almost lost each other because of it."

He looks down at the mirror still in his hands. Silence falls upon us. He places the mirror down on the bed and gets up and walks to me. He wraps his arms around me. "You're right. I only showed up when I thought I was going to lose you to Tyler."

"You were never going to lose me to Tyler," I say smiling.

He kisses my neck. "Turn around for me," he whispers in my ear. I shiver from the caress of his breath. I turn around for him. He moves my hair to one side of my body. He kisses the back on my neck. He stops at the top of one of my wings. He tugs on the towel and it loses its grip from around my body, exposing my naked back. I feel his lips kiss and lick at my back, making me melt in his hands. He gently caresses my skin and follows the outline of my tattoo. He stands back up and walks away.

"What are you doing?" I ask him. He locks the door.

"There's some repentance I need to do to my goddess."