The Broken Mirror

Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene

The sound echoed through the building and I turned around to see X rubbing the back of his head. I was about to hold in my laugh, but I burst out laughing instead. f**k diplomacy, he just trying to make me feel like crap.

"Had to smack some sense into him," Ethan grins at me. I nod at him and walk back over. My anger know quieted.

"I know exactly where we could get lunch. Ever had a Poke Burrito before?" I ask them. Ethan shakes his head no, while X ignores me. "It is basically sushi rolled in a seaweed wrap. Come on, there is one up the street."

They follow me out of the door. X following behind Ethan, no longer having a say in the situation. I head to my car and watch them get into theirs. I pull out my car first and they follow behind me. It is not too far from the school. Probably just a block, depending on which part of the school you are leaving.

We enter the place that is connected to a bunch of other stores. The place is brightly filled with wooden benches and wooden high tables. It's got a sleek look to the place. It reminds me of a mom and pop restaurant in New York, but cleaner. We give our order to the very familiar waitress Janice. She is the daughter of my grandmother's church friends.

"Siren! Wait, where is Mrs. Ramona?" She asked me curiously.

"Picking up my nightmares from the airport," I answer her, she laughs at my response. We are not close, but she is aware of my situation with my parents, well not fully. Only our family knows everything, which is how we want to keep it. The guys listen to our conversation as she prepares the burritos for us. She takes them to the register.

"Paying separately or together?" She asks. I say together, and the guys say separately at the same time. They both look shocked.

"I owe... X?"

"Xavier," Xavier, finally giving his full name, responds.

"Yes, I owe, Xavier some food. Had a little mishap." Janice smiles. "Go get us a table," I tell them. They take their food.

"Where did you find both of those amazing specimens of testosterone?" Janice whispers to me. I smirk at her.

"School," I respond. She rings up the food.

"Keep me posted, I need to know, who's single, who you are taking, and which one I can have."

I begin to laugh. "I am not taking anyone," I tell her. She looks at me confused. "I don't do boyfriends." Her mouth gapes and I could throw a paper ball in her mouth with how wide it is. "I'll talk to you later."

"Tell your grandma I expect to see her tomorrow in here!" I wave at her as I go join the guys at the table. I take a seat pulling my red hair away from my face.

Now the awkward part is about to begin. I should have kept up with my no, but I did not want to eat alone. I might be a screwed up person, but I enjoy being screwed up around other people. Misery loves company.

"She seems like cool people," Ethan said as I sat. I nod my head. Xavier eats quietly as if he is trying to endure my presence.

"Yeah, but she is always trying to get me to my grandmother's church's young adult ministry. No, thank you!" I answer him. I dig into my food.

"So, no church for you?" Ethan asks laughing.

"Yeah, do not want to get struck down when I walk into the building," I reply with a devilish grin.

"So, out of all the places, why this place? I did not know this place even existed." I shrug my shoulders. I eat here almost every day. It is becoming part of my routine with Cookie. Which was why Janice was shocked to see me here without Cookie.

"My grandmother started coming when Janice got the job here. Close with her parents," I explain to him. I can feel Xavier's eyes burning holes into my face as Ethan and I speak. I turn quickly to look at him and he quickly looks down at his food. "I don't really know anyone else, so Janice is the closes thing to a friend I have."

Ethan raises both of his eyebrows at me, "so, you're not from here?" We both begin to laugh at his question. It is like a dumb question here in Tampa, that people still ask. We just want to know who the unicorns are who were born and raised here.

"Guess where I'm from?" I challenge them both to answer. I know Xavier and I did not start off well just an hour ago, but geez his silence is getting more obnoxious than his rude behavior earlier.

Ethan gets a twinkle in his eyes and grins as if he already knew. "New York," I laugh and nod. "Let me guess, you also live in New Tampa, with the rest of the refugees from New York?" The other joke about Tampa is more than likely you are speaking to a former New Yorker. "X and his family are New York refugees, too." Xavier's head pops up the moment he hears Ethan divulging more information about his life than he is willing to part with. I turn to him and raise an eyebrow, waiting to hear something finally come out of his mouth.

I watch as Xavier's elbows Ethan in the ribs.

"Ethan is not the only person I asked to have lunch with," I give Xavier the evil eye. He will not let up from a simple mistake, that should have been rectified. He rolls his eyes at me.

"Fine, my dad transferred down here like ten years ago. We left just before I turned ten."

"Now was that so hard?" His hazel eyes turn to stone and I shake my head and turn my attention back to the more agreeable friend.

"Just ignore him! Obviously, that New York attitude has not left him, yet."

"A New Yorker attitude comes in handy," I respond while giving Xavier my best do-not-mess-with-me New Yorker face. Ethan breaks out into an infectious laugh and I cannot help but join his joy. I have not laughed like this in so long. I feel normal right now. I feel like a real young adult. Carefree.

In the middle of our laughter, a woman plops herself down next to me. I nearly jump out of my seat from the intrusion, but she smells amazing, I would guess Bath and Body Works from the intoxicating smell. She has golden-brown skin and a head full of big kinks and curls. I can tell she is not that tall, but her features scream cover model.

She smiles at the guys and then at me with curiosity. She grins at Ethan and shakes her head.

"You didn't say anything did you?" She accuses Ethan. Is this his girlfriend? "I am Ethan's sister, Gabrielle. He told me to meet you guys here. Thought he would have said something, instead of me scaring you." I look at the two of them. His skin is darker than the normal white person, but she is clearly a black woman.

"Sister?" Last thing I would have guessed. Is this that thing where people claim friends as siblings? They both can see my puzzled face.

"Yup, his dad is white, and mines, well isn't," she laughs. "E, next time warn people of extra guests. He can be so obnoxious."

"He has actually been the sweet one, so far," I explain to her. She shakes her head as if she does not understand what I am saying.

"Did you two swap bodies today? E is usually the rude one, right X?" She turns to Xavier and he smiles for the first time. His cheeks give way to deep dimples and his eyes scream mischief. I cannot help but stare at him during this brief revelation of who he is. He turns his head to face me and he looks down immediately as if the heat of my gaze is unbearable. Nope, still obnoxious.

"Yeah, well, I was busy talking to her. I forgot about you..." I hear shuffling from under the table and Ethan groans from what I assume was Gabrielle kicking him. So far, these two have kept whatever awkwardness I thought would happen between this lunch at bay.

"Like we were saying, my mom likes a bit of everything. Our stepdad is Asian. You should have seen our high school graduation photos, looked like the United Nations," Gabrielle fills me into their interesting family history.

"Ha! You are not the only mutt. Do not let this red hair fool you, my dad is half black. My sister and I took after my mother and grandmother," I explain to them my heritage. I do not claim to be black, not because I am ashamed, but because I was raised mostly as a white girl. However, I do not claim I am white either.

"Sister, huh?" Ethan asks, just as my phone vibrates. I look down at my phone to see Cookie has sent me a text to say she has my family. While also reminding me that I have dinner to go to tonight at some restaurant. Hanging out with these three made me forget what I have going on later today. I roll my eyes at my phone. "Wow, sorry I asked."

"Huh?" I respond to him confused.

"E, she was looking at her phone. He asked about your sister. When do we meet her?" Gabrielle swoops in to save this conversation, but my heart starts to race at the mention of my sister. The wounds of her death are still so raw. I swallow hard, as all three stares at me with anticipation of an answer.

"You don't... you can't," I finally say, but refuse to elaborate any further than that. Ethan and Gabrielle shrug instead of pressing the issue any further. I look down at what is left of my food, but I can feel the heat of Xavier's gaze. I look up at him and his eyes read of... empathy? Did he understand what I meant by my answer? His stare feels like it is penetrating my mind and emotions and I cannot look away. I don't know how long we hold this gaze, but his eyes are searching through my pain.

When it finally gets to be too much, I turn away from him. "I should really get going, I need to buy an outfit for tonight."

"Got a hot date?" Ethan asks me all nonchalant. I shake my head no.

"I wish! Parents are in town and my grandmother and I are joining them for dinner. My mother has high standards, so I would prefer to be dressed for the occasion," I explain, not sure if I am bothered by Ethan's attitude. Gabrielle gets up to let me out the booth we were sitting at.

"I know we just met, but I never turn down a shopping trip. Need company?" She asks me. This sounds like heaven to my ears right now. Shopping by yourself is never fun and if I can have her with me to distract from the bullshit, that would be awesome.

"The more the merrier," I respond.

"Well, El. I will see you later. X and I still gotta get our couch into the house. Don't forget to tell her about the party Friday," Ethan says as we are both getting ready to leave. She nods her head at him, and we wave goodbye to them. As we leave, I realize, they call her by a letter also.

"Do you all go by a letter?" I asked her. She begins to cackle as she heads to her car. We agreed to go to International Mall that is in Downtown Tampa.

"Ha! Yes, stick around long enough and you'll be S."

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I am happy I chose to go to the mall I did, it was close to the restaurant, Maggiano's. I changed clothes and freshened up my make-up at the mall bathroom. I know my mother's tastes in clothes. My dress a body con dress that has short sleeves and stops right above my knees. It's blue and accentuates my curves. I am what you call, bottom-heavy. I blame that on my father's side of my family because my mother and grandmother are quite skinny.

When I used to dance, I had been doing ballet, but I was getting quite tall and too hippy. My instructor would drive me insane about making sure I was skinny so that I could be lifted by dance partners. I eventually switched to hip-hop and modern dance, where it did not matter how wide my hips and ass were.

Gabrielle left me about an hour ago and helped me pick out shoes to go with my dress. The girl has good tastes, just not the pockets to back it up. Before she left, I planned another shopping trip with her for the following day, since this day had to be interrupted by my annoying parents.

I step into Maggiano's and tell the waitress who I am, and she leads me to the table my family is seated at. They all get up and my father is the first to hug and kiss me. My father has always been a handsome man, he has a few age lines near the corners of his eyes, that do not become apparent until he smiles. He has sandy-colored hair and looks as if he was made from gold from head to toe. I can see some gray hairs picking out on the sides of his hair. I inherited his freckles that just look like browner dots on his face, where mines stand in big contrast to my lighter skin. No matter what I feel, his hugs give me some semblance of love when he hugs me. There is no judgment in his hugs. That even though he was distant, I am still his little girl, and for a second I can pretend that our world is different.

Apollo my little brother, who looks more like my father than I do, walks over and hugs me. He is seventeen and officially taller than me. He lifts me off the floor indicating just how much he missed me. He does not know how much I miss him. We text and face time on a weekly basis, but it's not enough. I might have just moved down here, but I have been absent from his life a lot longer. I feel this aching guilt within me because I cannot be the sister he needs, the sister he deserves. But right now, I am going to enjoy his hug.

I turn to see my mother; whose arms are wide open to hug me. I stiffen up. As she comes to hug me. She pulls back her eyes are as cold as mines as we stare at each other. I slowly shrug her off, not to make a scene. Except that I have freckles and look like a red-headed Hispanic, I look more like her than my father. Big green eyes, high cheekbones, and full pouty lips. When I look at her, I feel like I am staring at my mirror reflection who hates me.

"I love your shoes," she finally says, as she backs away to give me space. I look down at the strappy clear pumps. They have a silver shimmer on the straps, but they are clear. Thank you, Gabrielle, because I could not listen to my mother criticize my style of clothes, likes she has done all my life.

I shrug my shoulders and walk away to kiss my grandmother on her cheek. The only one who did not get up from the table. I take a seat next to her. Apollo sits down on the other side of me. My mother sisters next to my grandmother and my father next to her. They bring appetizers and bottles of white wine to the table. I stare at the pale-yellow liquid that pours out of the bottle into their wine glasses. The waiter comes over to pour in my cup and my grandmother places her hand over my glass.

"She just needs sparkling water," she says to the waiter before I even have time to react. I take a deep breath. I look down at the appetizers and quietly eat as they all make small talk. If I must be here, I will keep to myself.

Apollo smacks my hand and I glare at him. He laughs with his eyes, and I grin at him, knowing he just wants my attention. Something that does not come very often. I stick my tongue out at him. He stifles a laugh and makes an even weirder face. Oh, how I have missed him, but it's not the same, because we are missing someone. Although I was always his favorite. I was his crazy big sister who snuck him booze and lied when he went to sneak out to go have s*x. He would do the same.

The waiter places down my four-cheese stuffed ravioli in front of me. The smell is intoxicating. My grandmother grabs my hand before I can eat, and she leads us in prayer. It's not that I don't believe, I do, I just... life makes me question.

"So, mom," I hear my mother say to Cookie. "We were thinking of having a pool installed in your backyard. How does that sound?' Sounds like bribery to me. Cookie raises her eyebrows towards my mother, knowing this is bullshit as much as I do. She has lived in the house she lives in now for a long time. Now they want to put in a pool.

"Rebecca, why do you feel my yard needs this upgrade?" She asks her.

My father answers before my mother has a chance, which means, this is another bullshit attempt to wash away their guilt. "Well mom, we want to thank you for all that you do for us. Usually, when we come, you stay at our home, and live in luxury for a short while and then go back. A pool is the least we could do." Oh, yeah, this dinner is getting shitty. I sigh deeply, making sure they know I hear their crap. You send me down here to be her burden and you think a pool will make up for it, my parents never cease to amaze me.

"Is something the matter Siren?" My mother asks me. I chuckle a little.

"Trying to buy your way through the guilt? Money doesn't solve everything," I respond to her. Cookie places her hand on mines and that sugar-sweet smile is planted on her face, but her eyes were pleading with mines. I quiet down.

"Cookie, I think it would be awesome!" Apollo chimes in, the traitor. I shoot him a look to shut up.

"There is a nearby community center. We use it all the time or go to one of her church friend's houses."

"Can't you just say it's a great idea!" My mother's voice is escalating. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. I take a deep breath before I answer.

"Not when I know your motives aren't pure," I calmly say to her. Hoping this will keep her calm.

"How are they not pure?" She asks me, challenging me to say it.

"You feel bad because you forced me down here and poor Cookie has to put up with my continued care and sobriety," I answer, knowing it is the last thing she wanted to hear. She was hoping I would not speak of it. The table grows quiet.

"Your therapist recommended that you start somewhere fresh. Am I right James?" She turns to my father for support. My father hesitates to answer her. Staying calm is starting to fail me. Start fresh? Sure, he definitely did say that, but she is forgetting something.

"He said for all of us!" I yell at her. The people in the restaurant stop and turn to us and me; immediately I quiet down before I continue my rant, to not draw any more attention. Negative attention drives her crazy. In a whisper that sounds more like hissing, "But you couldn't give up your luxurious lives on the Upper East Side for your daughter, who needed you more than ever."

Cookie grabs my arm to get me to calm down a bit, but I am starting to lose my cool. This is why I did not want to go to dinner with them. Dinner always ends up like this. I told you it was nothing but cow dung.

"I think I need to leave before this gets any worse. I will see you all at home," I decide before I say something I will regret.

"So weak," I hear my mother whisper as I stand to leave.

"I'm weak! Says the woman who cares only about her image that she practically crushed the souls of her children!" Cookie grabs me and leads me out of the restaurant

"Go home, I will see you there in a bit. I'll bring you dessert." I nod and hug her quickly, because I know any longer and the whole restaurant was about to know all our dirty secrets.

I race home from the restaurant, which seems to always be a thirty-minute drive from wherever we are coming from. I park my red Range Rover in the garage and go inside my grandmother's home. My new home. She might not be rich, but the house is pretty huge.

The front and back yard is huge, with lush green lawn, and filled with flowers she has planted. This area is one of the greenest areas of Tampa, with manicured lawns everywhere with tall pine trees and palm trees. I march into our open-concept home, kitchen, dining room, and living room all visible from where I stand to go to the steps that will lead up to my bedroom. The walls are white, except for the red accent wall in the dining room. All her furniture is bright and comes in cremes and light tans.

I run up the stairs that are covered in family photos, of my family and my aunt's family. Heavy memories and I try not to look at them when I walk by because she stands in almost all of them. Our baby picture where we cradle each other, inseparable. I go straight into my room, that is totally opposite from the rest of the house. I painted the walls black. My bed frame is dark wood, and my sheets are red. The dresser and draws match the rest of the bed. Dark...

I rush into my closet, that is filled with clothes. Clothes that do not make sense. Some of the clothes look like the dress I have on now, but the others are more me. Clothes that look like they are doing some type of weird time warp to the nineties and sixties. Do not judge that I mix the decades. But the clothes are not why I am in this closet. I pull off the sheet to a full-length mirror that stands in here. I usually have a hard time staring at myself in the mirror, because all it does it make me think of Calypso. My mirror twin.

When I want to be close to her, I come in here and I just stare, pretending the reflection staring back at me is her. But it's not. It will never be her again. All I can do at this very moment is sink to the floor and allow the tsunami of emotions that is always at the brink to spill out, to come out. I cradle myself on my closet floor and just cry myself to sleep.

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August 22, 2017...

Sprawled out on my bed, my head feels so heavy and an empty bottle lies next to me. I sit up and look for the bottle of pain pills. It's empty. s**t, f**k! I climb out of bed and go into my bathroom that I used to share with my sister, but her bedroom door will never open again. I go into my massive walk-in closet that could have been another bedroom. I grab a black hoodie and black sweatpants and throw on sneakers that I bought from Target because I do not want to look like a target.

I head to the elevators that lead me down to the streets, away from the life of luxury I live. I step outside and begin to walk to get to a subway. The Six Train is just in the station as I am going through with my metro card. I run to the door and jump in before the door closes.

"Stand clear of the closing doors," the automated voice says, but no one ever listens, because the door pops open to let you know someone still tried to get in before the doors closed. I take a seat and put my hoodie over my head. My red hair attracts assholes. I put in my earbuds and stare off into space with a face that screams touch me and I'll rip your d**k off.

When the train stops on 125thstreet in Harlem I hop off the train and head upstairs. The smell of New York City smacking me in my face, smells likes, exhaust, piss, and garbage. I know awesome right? I walk to the west side of Harlem. I watch as the drugs addicts that litter this area walk around like zombies, slowly skulking around. This street is also known as zombie land. I do not pity them, or judge whatsoever, a fellow zombie can't say s**t, can they?

I get to the projects I was headed to and walk inside. The place smells worse than the outside, piss and cigarette smoke. I won't help the cigarette smoke much, because I pull out one and light up as I wait for the elevator. I get in and head to the third floor. Once the elevator releases me, I go down the hall and bang on the door while inhaling the nicotine.

"Who the f**k is it?" I hear Bam's voice scream. I roll my eyes.

"Is that any way to talk to your best customer?" I scream back and he throws the door open. Bam stood at the entrance leaning against the door frame. He is average height for a man, making him just an inch or two taller than me, and built like a football player. He has a thick Dominican-New York accent when he speaks. His skin, a creamy tan color, that looks almost artificial. I am always tempted to lick his face when I see him. I push past him and throw myself down on his couch. "What do you have for me?"

He slams his door shut and shakes his head at me. "Usual?" I smirk at him. He tosses to me a bottle of Dilaudid and I feel like a little girl in a candy store. I finish the last of my cigarette while he sits down at his table near a caged in window. I get up from his dingy couch and join him at the table and hand him his cash. He picks up a blunt that I will assume he rolled up before I got there. He lights it and begins to pull.

I look at him and smile. I crook my pointer finger and point to his blunt. He hands it to me. "You going to pay me for it?" He asks. Without the blunt still in my mouth, I get up and position myself between him and his table. I lower myself over his lap. I pull on the blunt and swallow the smoke down while staring at him. His eyes follow mines and then I lower my lips to his neck, nibbling on his thick neck.

I feel him begin to grow beneath me. I pass him the blunt, while I continue to kiss on his tattooed neck. Licking on the ink. I find the button to his pants and snake my hand into his underwear. He groans from the touch of my hand. He pulls on my shirt to take it off and then my bra follows behind it.

He cups my breasts and begins sucking on each of them. His mouth begins to move further up towards my neck, and I can feel him bite down on my skin. The pain mixing with intense pleasure. The weed slowly making this feel a lot more intense than it is. I get up and pull him towards his gross couch. I know I am not the only girl he has on this couch, but I have no claim on him. I pull out a condom from my pocket.

"Why do you carry those?" He asks me.

"For this very reason," I answer him. He thinks it's odd that a girl would carry a condom. I believe in being safe when it comes to my p***y. He pulls off my sweatpants and thong and quickly takes off his clothes. I help him roll on the condom and before I know it, he is between my legs.

He places a hand around my throat and puts a little pressure to my throat. Just enough that I get high due to the lack of oxygen, while he thrusts into me at a perfect rhythm. My body reacting to his every touch, his every move. I scratch at his arms as the intensity builds. An orgasm is on the horizon and our movements become more frantic until we both explode from the pleasure. He collapses on top of me.

"No, cuddling," I say, and he laughs at me. He sits up as I pull my legs back. I quickly grab my clothes to get dressed so I can leave and take a good bath.

"You are the most ruthless chick I have ever met," he says laughing at how I just got up and began getting dressed.

"What do you expect of me? Beg to be your trap queen?" I respond while throwing on my hoodie. "You know how this is. I buy your drugs; you give me your d**k. Now, before my parents know I am missing. I need to go." I pull out a fresh cigarette and head towards the door. Bam follows behind me and before I can open the door to get out, he pushes it close.

"You would make a perfect queen," he says to me. I roll my eyes.

"Bye, Bam!" I open the door and leave.

When I get back to my penthouse apartment, I just feel extremely dirty. I head straight to my bathroom, even though my family's nanny is calling my name when I enter. I turn on the jacuzzi that is in my bathroom. I go back out to my room and look underneath my bed for the bottle of tequila I wanted.

I head back into the bathroom and while the tub is filling up, I take the Dilaudid with the bottle of tequila I had stashed underneath my bed. I get into the tub and just allow myself to relax and wait for the drugs to kick in. The bottle of the tequila sits on the edge of the tub, waiting for me to drink it down like it was water.

I need my mind to stay numb. I cannot think, because if I do, everything that I have been holding in feels like it will just destroy me. It's easier this way. She's gone and I cannot have any memory of her enter my mind. Especially... I cannot even say it.

I can feel myself slipping. I grab the tequila and drink more down like it is the most refreshing thing in the world, but all it's doing is burning my throat. Maybe it'll burn out the pain I feel. I would deserve it.

My eyes begin to shut, and it becomes a fight to keep them open. I know it's time to get out of this tub, but I cannot even move. I try to move, and my body feels like dead weight. I continue to fight to keep my eyes open, but the room is getting dark and it's becoming harder to breathe. I want to cry out for help, but even trying to open my mouth becomes impossible, until finally, it all goes black.