Don't Stop Believing

Winds Beneath My Wings

It had been two weeks since we found out about Mum’s passing, and today’s the day we were able to view her body. I stared at myself in the long white mirror preparing myself for today. Last night I made the mistake in doing re-search, how bad can it be? I thought to myself. Well, I’ll let you know afterwards.

Noah had decided that he wanted to take the girls to the funeral home, which made sense after all they do all live together. In took us half an hour to get there. I thought it would at least be an hour but with Dad’s driving we arrived there with ten minutes to spare.

“Hey.” Just behind those doors was Mum, I wonder if she was ready for us yet?

“Hey, shall we go in?” asked Noah.

We were welcomed by a lady that was no older than 25, what makes somebody want to work in a place like this? I wonder if she was the person who dealt with Mum. Her eyes were dark green, blonde hair and no taller than me.

“Hello, please follow me.” She led us into a room that had just been freshly painted. We all waited patiently for the funeral director to introduce himself.

“Where is she?” asked Jodie.

I pointed to the door in the far-right corner. “Behind that door.” I whispered. Jodie was under the impression that she would be in the room we’re in now, but little does she know that I had done my research. We’ll be going in one by one and for how many times we like until we’ve all had our closure.

“Hello, I’m Simon.” He extended his hand to Noah. “She’s just in there. Please take your time.” That was it? That’s what we were waiting for? Surely, she could have done that herself.

I looked in Noah’s direction waiting for him to take the lead. “I’ll go in first.”

He opened the door slowly and gasped. This wasn’t a good sign.

Five minutes went by before he came back out wiping away his tears. I could tell by the look on his face that we shouldn’t be doing this; I had the opportunity to back out. I didn’t have to put myself through this, I could keep the last imagine I had of her.

“Come on.” I held on to Skyline’s hand for dear life. We had decided to go in together while Jodie wanted to be with Dad. She was still unsure whether this is something she wanted to do; I wasn’t going to force her into seeing Mum. This was her decision.

I took one look at her beautiful face and broke down.

“Oh Mum!” I sobbed.

There she was, lying in a shiny brown coffin with her hair perfectly laid out on either shoulder. She would be thrilled with that; she never did like her ears to be on show. I stood beside her coffin wondering how life got like this. How did we end up like this? Our life was far from perfect, but it was normal. We had a happy household, loving family and a Mum that was still alive now look at us broken…

As we stood beside her coffin taking in the full horror, I reached out to touch her hand, she was ice cold, and it was a cold that you couldn’t explain. I quickly moved my hand away in shock, the cold sent shivers down my spine. I never expected her to be this cold, her skin felt like marble and her features were starting to fade away. I stood there taking in the rest of the situation; I was still unable to wrap my head around it. Though she looks asleep you imagine her breathing. I was expecting her to jump up and scream “BOO!”

“She looks bigger.” Said Skyline.

I read that when you die, they pump your body with formaldehyde to preserve you; this gives the family a chance to say their goodbyes.

“I love you, Mum.” Wept Skyline.

I held Skyline’s hand not only for her comfort but for mine; I also needed my sisters…maybe more than they needed me.

“Goodbye Mum.” I placed a gently kiss on her cold forehead before leaving the room. I didn’t want this to be the last memory I had of her.

I rushed outside taking in a deep breath. I needed fresh air; I needed to be alone for a few minutes. I stood in the parking lot feeling the wind brush up against my face. I closed my eyes for a minute while images of Mum flood my mind. It’s crazy how you can be going about your day then the next thing you know your loved ones are surrounding your coffin saying their final goodbye. Life is so precious, tell your loved ones your love them, if you want something in life GO FOR IT, tomorrow isn’t promised, and neither is today.

After the pain of today I wanted to go home and shut myself away from the world. I sat on the edge of the bed as it sunk it. She’s gone…. that’s the last time that I’m ever going to see her. I have regretted that I never told her I loved her enough, I should have made sure she knew how much I loved her. But I can’t go my whole life with regret I just have to hope that she knows.

I laid flat on the bed staring up at the ceiling hoping that I was drift off at any minute…

The light beamed through the window. I rubbed my bleary eyes and walked to the window. Today is going to be a good day, I muttered to myself. I had no time to cry, Mum’s funeral was in less than two days and things had to be done. For starters I was due back at work in less than two hours.

I rushed over to my wardrobe thinking ‘f**k, f**k, f**k’ I had no idea where I put my work uniform after all that was the last thing on my mind but of course, Nan had already washed and ironed it. Where would I be without that woman?

I skipped downstairs with a smile on my face. Nan and Dad were enjoying breakfast in the kitchen. “Good mood?” questioned Dad.

“Of course. I can’t be sad forever.” I turned back on them while I poured myself a large coffee. It was my first shift back as supervisor; I needed as much strength as I possibly can. I know it’ll be twenty questions. How did she die? How are you feeling? Should you be back at work? I’ll only have one answer…it’s none of your damn business. The only plus side to working there is the manager who has become a second mum to me; she’s also a family friend. She know everything that has happened, she’ll have my back.

“It’s your first day back, want me to take you?” smiled Dad, scoffing his face with his fry-up.

“That’d be great!”

I headed back upstairs to get showered and dressed. I stared at myself in the mirror, I could see the pain behind my smile and no one else could. You must be strong I said to myself.

Later that day at work I was welcomed back with questions wondering how I am. If they could get me anything? Yet again I am being labelled as the girl who lost her Mum, I even had customer ask if I’m okay…How do they even know?

I was counting down the hours until I could go back home and cruel under the blanket and never leave me room. I thought today was a new day, I could go in with a smile, boy was I wrong.

It daunted on me that tomorrow was Mum’s funeral. I still hadn’t had time to finish off the speech that I offered to do. How can I put into words how I truly feel when I was unable to express my pain to my family, luckily, I had my best friend on her way to meet me from work. She had been there through thick and thin; she’s witnessed things that no one should witness. I’d be lost without that girl.

“Heey.” She bounced through the door with two bottles of wine. “This will cheer you up.” She laughed.

“I’ll go and get my things.” I chuckled.

I poured two glasses of wine as soon as I got home. I needed one after today.

“This is for Mum.” I lifted the glass above my head. I blinked rapidly as I held back the tears. “To the wonderful lady who we were blessed to know and love.”

“To Elena.” Cheered Charlotte.

I’m defiantly not Mum’s daughter. After two glasses I passed out on the sofa, and that was the first night that I had slept properly since losing Mum.

Meanwhile Nan, Charlotte and Dad stayed up as I was fast asleep on the sofa.

“She needs this.” Said Nan. “She hasn’t slept properly since her Mum died.”

“She needs to be able to grieve.” Charlotte looked over in my direction as she tried her best not to cry. “She needs to put herself first.”

“We’ll get them all through this.”

And they were right. We will get through this with the help of our family….