Don't Stop Believing

“To Mum, I still can’t believe that I’m writing this. How could this of happen? I only spoke with you the other day. It’s amazing how life can change in a blink of an eye. I wish I could have saved you, and for that I am deeply sorry. I miss you so much, sleep well my little nutjob”. I stared at the paper that lay perfectly on the desk in front of me. I felt numb, I felt as if I could cry for years and years. Mum wasn’t your typical Mum; she was even better. Long black hair that was normally up in a beehive, she was the only person I knew that could pull of pink lipstick. I remember I tried it once…. yeah, as you can imagine I looked ridiculous.  One thing I won’t forget is her laugh which was more like a cackle, that’s something that her kids have got from her. You can tell that we’re her daughters by the way we all laugh. I laid my head on the pillow staring up at the ceiling as tears began streaming down my face. The thought of her lying somewhere brought tears to my eyes. I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that she was no longer here. I still remember the day I was told…. I was due to do a nightshift which I was dreading; anyways Nan was due home any minute along with my McDonalds. I kept an ear out for her as I only had two hours before my shift and, in that time, I needed to have dinner, shower, make-up and get dressed and as you know being a girl it isn’t that easy. It’s never straight-forward, well not for me anyways. I remember darting down the stairs, as soon as I saw her, I could tell something was wrong. I had already thought that day was weird as Mum would normally call…I took one look and new someone was dead…that’s when Nan broke the news to me. That was the worst day of my life!   I’d never forget that day. How could I? It was the worst day of my life. “Crystal?” said Nan. “You want something to eat?” I shook my head. I didn’t have the energy to get up, let alone speak. “Crystal, you need to eat something.” She sat at the end of the bed with a concerned look on her face. “Your Dad will be here soon.” Dad was due to fly from sunny Australia to shitty England, why bother? I hadn’t seen Dad in a few years, and if he were here for another reason then I would be thrilled… but it’s to say goodbye to the mother of his children. What a way to spend time with your girls. I’ve been living with Nan and Grandad for a year before Mum passed away. We fell out, and I moved out. I’ve never looked back since; living here has changed my life for the best. I’d be lost without them. I’ve grown up my whole life in Hove, a place that’s none stop drama so going from Hove to Ovingdean was a big step. The only drama you have here is parking spaces and even then, no one says anything. Nan calls it gods waiting room which I sort of get, it’s full of old people in their 70’s.  The only downside to living in posh Ovingdean is I’m an hour away from my sisters. The night we got the call about Mum, I was unable to get to them straight away. I guess an hour later is better than not at all. Time was ticking on, and the girls were due to arrive at any minute along with our dad who was staying with us. It had been a long time since Dad and I spent a week together, this should be interesting. “Crystal!” Shouted Nan. “Girls are here.” I’ve never ran so fast in my life…If you ever see me running it’s normally from someone. “Hey!” I ran in to Skyline’s arms. I was over the moon to see them. “Hey, crystal.” Said Dad, wrapping his massive arms around his three girls. “It’s going to be okay.” I looked into Skyline’s eyes as they filled with tears. “I’m here now.” I whispered. I grabbed hold of Skyline’s and Jodie’s hand. “I’m here.” I exhaled. I was unable to look after myself or take care of myself during this difficult time, but they didn’t need to know that. I was here to look after them; I made a promise to our beloved Mum. I promised I’d look after all four of them no matter what. That’s when I remembered I hadn’t checked in on Noah in the last twenty-four hours. Noah and Mum had been separated at the time of her death; they were together for nearly twelve years. He must be feeling some sort of pain. “Give me a second.” I gently placed a kiss on both of their heads. “Hey, Noah. It’s Crystal…. Yeah, I’m good.” I walked into the other room where ears weren’t listening to our conversation. “How are the girls? I’ll be over tomorrow to see them…. yeah okay, you take care too.” I quickly wiped the tears that managed to escape. I needed a moment before seeing the girls. Now that Mum was no longer here, I must be Mum. I must be the strong one otherwise how are they going to get through this. That night I curled up in bed and stuck a movie on. Dad was sound asleep in the room next to mine; a few beers and you won’t hear a sound from him until the next morning. All I wanted was Mum, that’s what I craved the most.                   I tossed and turned all night. This was my third night in a row that I was unable to sleep. I rolled over to see that it was only half 2 in the morning, I sighed with frustration.  Every time I shut my eyes, I dreamt of her. I dreamt of her lying on that cold slab all alone, I wish I could be with her. I wish I could tell her that everything’s going to be alright. It was only a week left until we were able to view her beautiful body, which was also going around my head. I’ve never seen a dead body before. I’ve watched programs, but those are actors, of course they don’t look dead. If you looked hard enough, you’d see them breathing. I stared up at the ceiling with an image of her beautiful face. I wish I could have saved her. By the time I had finished overthinking day light was approaching. I was unable to stay in bed all day, things had to be done, and my sisters needed me the most. “Morning.” Said Nan opening the bedroom door slowly. “Morning, Nan.” I smiled. For the first time in a week, I got out of bed to greet her. Mum wouldn’t want us moping around; she’d kick our arses if she was here now. “What are you doing up?” I questioned. I looked over my shoulder to see it was only half 7. “I heard you up. I wanted to check on you.” “Thanks. I’m fine though.” “You want breakfast?” I nodded with a smile struggling to get through. I was fighting hard not to let myself be happy. I didn’t see the point in being happy when she’s not here, that would be disrespectful to her. I headed downstairs to be greeted by Grandad with a hot cup of coffee. “Morning.” He smiled. “Hey, grandad.” How long is it going to be before they started treating me like I was before. Yes, I get it, my Mum is dead…I do not want to be known as the child who lost her mother. That’s not me, and I will not be label as that either. I noticed how Dad was not up yet. His normally up, breakfast done and watching TV by now. “Dad?” I questioned with a frown on my face. “He went out early this morning. That’s what woke us up.” Said Grandad. “Oh.” I knew exactly where he went. He has always favorited the youngest, Skyline. “He said he’ll be back in an hour for when you wake up.” I rolled my eyes, Skyline and Dad have always had this special bond, a bond that I’d never understand. Must have something to do with the fact she’s the youngest.