Don't Stop Believing

She's like the wind

‘‘Greif is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.’ – Vicki Harrison.

I stretched my arms above my head letting out a small moan. That was the first decent night sleep I have had in a while. I looked around the room and noticed I was still in the front room. "How did I end up here?" I said to myself.

I let out a small sigh when I realised that today was the day that I’ll be saying my final goodbye to Mum, oh how I wish things were different.

Everyone was rushing around getting themselves ready while I sat on the sofa feeling numb, I couldn’t move…my legs wouldn’t let me. I don’t know how I’m going to get through today.

“Crystal?” said Nan. “You need to start getting ready, darling.”

Charlotte took hold of my hand as she led me upstairs. My clothes for today were hanging on the wardrobe, I never once imagined that this is how my life would turn out. It doesn’t matter how old you get; you always need your Mum.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” I cried.

“Yes. Yes, you can, I’ll be there with you.” Charlotte wrapped her arms around my shoulders pulling me in tight, and for that spit second, I felt safe. I felt as if I can do this.

Later that day we arrived at Woodvale. The church was packed with mourners here to pay their respect for Mum. I was amazed at the turn out, she would be thrilled with how many people love her.

I stepped out of Nan’s silver car to be greeted with I’m sorry for your loss, she was an amazing person etc. Then why didn’t you tell her that when she was alive? If Mum knew that this many people loved her, then maybe things might have turned out differently.

I can’t go my whole life wondering what if’s…that’s not going to bring her back.

Skyline and Jodie approached with a smile on their faces. I think they were just as shocked as I was by the turn out.

“Hey, girls.”

Chloe and Lola were standing by their dad as he was nattering away with a few of Mum’s mates. I guess he knew them.

“Hey, girls.” I held Chloe’s hand ensuring her that everything’s going to be okay. It will be okay…or so I tell myself every day.

“She should be here by now.” Said Skyline looking at her phone which ready ten past two.

“Well, we did always say she’d be late for her own funeral.” I giggled.

Mum wasn’t one of those people who had to be on time for everything. She always arrived fashionable late, and that was one of the things we adored about her.

I turned around to be greeted by a black car driving up the hill slowly. There she was…lying inside that box, alone. I wonder if she’s with us now, no doubt she’d have a smile on her face at the turn out. Not even I realised that this many people loved her and missed her; she was an amazing person after all so why am I surprised. I pulled down my sunglasses, so it wasn’t obvious that underneath that smile I was breaking, I was hurting, my world was crumbling around me. As we all piled into the church I held on to my speech as it shook in my hands. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up in front of everyone, I was barely able to tell my family how I was feeling. This is the final time that I could say goodbye to her, how can I put into words how much I’d miss her, it’s impossible…

“Come on.” Said Jodie. We took hands and walked side by side as everyone’s attention was on us. We’ll always be known as those children who lost their Mum.

At the start of the service her favourite song was played. Even though Mum didn’t know her time would come to an end so soon, she still picked out her funeral song. “You better have this, or I’ll come back and haunt you all.” She would laugh. I sat there listening to every single word as it brought back a thousand memories, like the time Mum would have it on full volume while cooking dinner as she sung her heart out and let me tell you I thought cats were being strangled.

“Did you ever know that you’re my hearo? And everything I would like to be I can fly higher than an eagle for you are the wind beneath my wings” she would sing at the top of her lungs.

Skyline stood in front of everyone with Noah and Dad beside her. I was shitting myself for her, but I knew she had this in her.

“I just wanted to start off by thanking everyone for coming. I still cannot believe that I’m standing here today saying goodbye to such a beautiful woman. I only had her in my life for 16 years, but those were the best 16 years of my life. I wouldn’t change her for the world.” She wiped away the tears as she looked in Dad’s direction. I wanted to run up to her and give her a massive cuddle, I wanted to tell her that it’s going to be okay. “I love you Mum.” Skyline looked towards the coffin that sat behind her. “I’ll forever miss you.”

Listening to Skyline break her heart up there made me realise what a strong girl she was. She’d grow up to be a wonderful, independent girl. After her speech it was my turn…. I was shitting myself; I can’t do this. I can’t stand up there in front of 20/30 people and tell them how I truly feel. That’s when I decided to hand my speech over to the vicar who was happy enough to read it for me. He stood tall in front of Mum’s coffin. He cleared his throat before he begun…

“Crystal has asked me to read this out for her…Thursday 16th 2017 my world was torn apart. I didn’t just lose my Mum, but I also lost my best friend, my go to person, I remember when I would phone her up at random times while I was at work and just rant but never did, I hear her moan about it. If you knew Mum, you’d know that she was a party girl so every Sunday without a doubt she’d be in the kitchen with Whitney Houston full volume dancing along with Skyline and Jodie. She did love a bit of Whitney Houston. I only got to spend twenty years with her but oh were they the best twenty years. We did have some bad times and some good times, but that’s life for you. She’ll never get to see Lola and Chloe to grow up to be beautiful young girls. You’d be so proud of them already Mum. You’ll be missing my 21st, Skyline’s prom and Jodie’s 21st. But Mum if you are listening to this just know that I’ll take care of my sisters, I’ll guide them in life. You’ve got nothing to worry about for as long as I am here, I’ll do right by you, now rest easy Mum and I’ll see you again soon. I love you, forever and always.”

There wasn’t a dry eye in the building by the time he finished. I looked over at Lola who was cuddled up to her dad with tears running down her face. I wish they didn’t have to go through this at such a young age, but I’ve made a promise to Mum, and I’ll make sure I stick to it.

It was a beautiful service. A service that Mum would be proud of after all this is the last thing, we can do for her as a family.

We had three other songs that were played before the service was over. ‘She’s like the wind’ ‘There you’ll be’ and of course ‘can’t stop this feeling’ that was Chloe’s choice, it was the last movie that her and Mum went to see with the girls, I’m sure it’s called ‘The Trolls’ so how could we say no to that.

That night I went home and slept most of the evening away. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I wanted to be with myself and grieve in my own way and that’s what I done, and my family respected my decision…